


If it's all in my head, tell me now

by DAgron01



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brief mentions or references to suicide and drug use and abuse and homophobia, Dot and Fatin BROTP, F/F, Fatin and Toni bonding, Fatin is a treasure, Found Family, Leah and Toni BROPT, Leah is amazing and you cannot convince me otherwise, Shelby needs a hug, Some Humor, Team Bonding, Toni is very soft in this, Very slowburn for both couples, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 120,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28492824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01
Summary: Leah's parents assume she's gay and Leah doesn't correct them, and now she's friends with Toni Shalifoe and they are starting a GSA club and she wonders if maybe her parents were right all along. Fatin sees an opening to make good on her crush on Leah, and Shelby starts to question if following her heart is the only way to go.orThe HS AU that no one asked for but I've been consumed by.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 516
Kudos: 1047





	1. Chapter 1

Leah is beyond horrified when she is called to the principal’s office during her last class of the day and finds her parents sitting there waiting for her. The rest of it is mostly a daze as she sits and watches her mother cry about missing the signs and wanting to do better. She knows it’s about her break-up, if you can call it that. She knows she hasn’t been the same all summer, and that ending the inappropriate relationship with Jeff, who was nearly twice her age and had been a mistake (and crime) from the start, was for the best. It didn’t mean that the break-up and the prior relationship hadn’t been damaging to her psyche. And she appreciates that her parents are worried about her.

But to have them show up at school for an intervention on the second day of the new school year is not something she had predicted and not at all what she wants or needs right now. Suddenly, a piece of paper is thrust into her hands and she glances down at it. It’s a pamphlet on how to come out. Her eyes widen. 

“You think...I’m gay?” She looks at her parents. 

“We know you were in a secret relationship and that the break-up has been hard, but we thought we were close enough as a family that you could tell us these things.” Her father tells her by way of answering.

“And we’re not mad. It’s a relief really, to finally feel like we understand you.” Her mother says as she wipes at her bloodshot eyes. 

Leah frowns. They don’t understand her. They never did. 

She sighs and clenches her fists, which wrinkles the pamphlet. “So...you pulled me out of class...for what, exactly?”

“We came to see what kind of support the school offers its students.” Her mom tells her.

“Their  _ gay _ students.” Leah corrects. 

“Well, yeah.” 

Her eyes land on the principal. “And what support is there, exactly?”

She wonders not because she needs it, but she figures some people would. She doesn’t have any friends who are...well, she didn’t actually have any friends at all. But she knew that there were students in the school that were out. Toni, the basketball star, was open and out and Leah was pretty sure she had a girlfriend. If the rumors were to be believed. And she always thought that Dot, who she shares a lot of her classes with, was a lesbian. But there had to be more than that, right? 

Her mind races through all the faces in her grade trying to fit them into different categories. She realizes that she doesn’t actually know a lot of the kids in her grade because she has been a loner for so long, and consumed with Jeff most recently.

“We don’t currently have any clubs or anything, mostly because no one’s particularly expressed interest. But your parents have decided to start up a PFLAG group that will meet in the gym once a month.”

“PFLAG?” Leah wonders and then shakes her head. “You know what, nevermind. I don’t actually care.”

She stands up.

“Leah, we’re not finished here.” Her dad calls after her, but she walks out of the room anyway and collides with Toni.

She looks up to apologize and is mildly terrified of the anger she sees on Toni’s face. She is aware of the stories about this girl--about her anger on and off the basketball court. But she’s always identified with it, in a way. The feeling of being so overwhelmed by emotions that the only one that is able to surface is anger. Or in Leah’s case, frustration. Anxiety. Paranoia. Those feelings are easier to access and process than the real culprit from whatever mood she’s in.

She braces herself for a verbal, or even physical, assault but it never comes. She chances a glance at Toni and sees her face has morphed into that of understanding and perhaps, acceptance. 

She follows Toni’s eye line and realizes that she’s looking at the pamphlet in her hand. Before she can correct any of Toni’s obvious and entirely wrong assumptions, Toni smiles at her. She has a nice smile, and it’s soft in a way that makes Leah feel like they are sharing a secret. And to Toni, they seem to be.

“I mean, I suspected, even hoped once or twice, but wow. I’m still surprised.” Toni looks up and locks eyes on Leah’s. “Congrats, I guess. For taking the next step. Accepting it yourself can be the hardest thing of all.”

And Leah decides that she doesn’t want to correct Toni. Because this was the first actual conversation she’s had with someone her age in forever. And it’s nice. Maybe it’s wrong, but there are worse things she’s done to get someone to see her. 

“Wait...are those your parents?” Toni’s eyes wander to the principal’s office. Her eyes widen. “Are they...you’re safe, right? They aren’t homophobes or anything.”

Leah actually laughs at that because, well, they are the opposite of that. But then her eyes land on Toni’s concerned face and her entire being softens. She thinks the whole world has Toni wrong. The compassion and worry she is showing for Leah, even though this is the first actual conversation they have ever had in all the years they’ve gone to school with each other, tells Leah everything she needs to know about this girl. 

“Actually, they ambushed me. They…” She sighs and leans into Toni. “They were worried about me and thought calling an intervention in the middle of the school day was the correct parental thing to do.”

Toni swallows thickly and avoids eye contact.

“Toni? Are you...okay?”

Toni’s eyes find hers again. “You’re lucky. Please, never forget that. And I know it might be embarrassing and you might be upset, but...they care, you know? Not everyone is as lucky.”

Leah stares at her and she sees it. The brokenness, the sadness, all the stuff that the anger typically hides. And she knows that Toni is the one trying to support and protect her, but...maybe she can be unselfish for the first time in her life, and she can be there for Toni in return.

They are interrupted when the office door opens and her parents walk out; their principal is behind them.

“Toni? Again?” She asks with feigned agitation.

Leah respects their principal in that moment, because she knows that she also sees the real Toni. 

“Sorry, I had to fight the power.” Toni smirks at Leah. “And really, they had it coming.”

Toni nods her head at Leah in some sort of solidarity thing, Leah figures, and marches into the office before collapsing into the chair Leah had previously vacated. When the door shuts, Leah redirects her attention to her parents.

“I appreciate you guys, for supporting me and wanting to help me. Sorry I didn’t say that earlier.”

She catches the look her mom gives her dad and frowns because whatever that look meant, it couldn’t be good for her.

“Is that girl a friend of yours?” Her mom asks.

“I...we sort of…” Leah sighs. “We don’t usually talk. She’s on the basketball team. Toni.”

There is a short and very awkward silence.

“Well, I should get back to class.” She looks at her phone. “For the next five minutes.”

“Nonsense. You can just follow us home. We should have a family dinner or something. Really talk.”

That did not sound enticing to Leah in any way. Then she thought about what Toni said, about how lucky she was that they cared and accepted her, even if their acceptance was based on incorrect assumptions. 

“I would...but, I think I’m going to wait for Toni. See what she’s up to after class.”

Another look passes between her parents, but eventually they nod in acquiescence.

“Don’t be home too late.” Her dad tells her.

“Maybe...I could pick up a pizza on the way home and we can have a late dinner together?” She extends an olive branch to them and they both beam happily.

“Sounds perfect.” Her mom replies.

They leave wordlessly and Leah sits in an empty chair outside the office waiting for Toni. When the girl walks out of the room, she stares at Leah.

“You...you waited?” She asks with surprise.

Leah shrugs. “It was either that or go back to class.”

Toni rolls her eyes playfully and walks past her, so Leah follows. “What’re you doing now?”

Toni keeps walking, but glances at her. “Basketball practice.”

“Oh, right.” Leah’s an idiot.

“You can stay and watch, if you want. Martha does sometimes..”

Leah nods and follows her. They walk toward the gym in silence, but Leah feels comfortable in it. Safe.

Eventually, she knows she needs to come clean. “Hey, Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“I…” Leah sighs. “I’m not actually.” 

Toni frowns at her in confusion. Leah shakes her head and looks around. The hallways are cluttered with students hurrying home or anywhere but home. She grabs Toni’s arm and leads her into a less trafficked hallway. 

“I’m not gay.” Leah tells her and closes her eyes tightly because she knows that Toni will be mad at her for lying. 

When Toni doesn’t respond at all, she opens her eyes.

“Right.” Toni says, studying her. Then her eyes widen. “You actually believe that.”

“I...I’m not.” She groans. “This is embarrassing, and if I tell you...you can’t tell anyone.”

“You know I won’t.”

And even though they barely know each other, Leah believes her.

“I was in a relationship...with an older guy. Much older.” Leah doesn’t dare look at Toni. “It was all-consuming...and I realize now, how wrong it was. For him. How he took advantage...how he...I…” She’s quiet, searching for words when she feels Toni’s body press against hers. Toni is hugging her tightly and Leah lets herself fall into her warm embrace.

“You don’t have to say anything. Okay? I understand.” Toni whispers. “I’ve got you.”

And Leah hugs her back fiercely. Like she’s been drowning in the ocean and Toni is her life jacket. And for the first time in months, she feels like she can breathe again.

“I would say, get a room. But...I don’t intend to encourage...homo-erotic behavior.” Shelby fucking Goodkind interrupts the most pure moment Leah has ever had in her life.

Leah feels Toni stiffen, and she holds her tighter. She won’t make Toni fight this battle alone. 

She forces herself to step away from the embrace, but holds Toni’s hand tightly in hers. She doesn’t miss the way Shelby’s eyes immediately land on their hands.

“What’s your problem, Shelby?” She asks her.

Shelby looks from their hands, glancing at Toni, and then settles her gaze on Leah. “You mean other than the obvious.” She steps toward them slowly. “Look, I don’t hold hate in my heart for either of you, but I feel obliged to tell you that…”

“Save it, Shelby. I heard it all before.” Toni states evenly. “And Leah doesn’t deserve your shit, okay? Leave her alone.”

Toni pushes past Shelby, checking her hard with her shoulder as she walks past. Shelby winces, but turns to watch her leave, then turns back around and looks at Leah questioningly.

“Since when did you and Toni, you know...hang out?” Shelby looks flustered. Upset even.

“Toni is a good person, really good. And...I’m not one to get in other people’s business or judge someone’s opinions...but in this case, you’re wrong. About all of it.”

“So...I’m not allowed my own opinions?”

“Not those ones.” Leah tells her honestly. 

Shelby avoids eye contact. Then sighs and when she looks up, her gaze seems different than before. Less full of hate and instead filled with something Leah doesn’t understand.

“You never answered my question.” Shelby says.

Leah furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “I don’t think I owe you an answer, not after how you treated her.” She glares at her. “Is this how you always are? Do you bully her?”

Shelby’s eyes widen. “I’m not a bully.”

“Shelby, if you share your  _ opinions  _ with her every chance you get...that’s bullying. And for what? You know nothing about her life, or mine for that matter. And because you assume you know who we are, you think you have the right to try and make us feel guilty about it? To what end, huh? Does putting us down make you feel better?”

There is a loud, slow clap coming from the other end of the hallway. Fatin and Dot are staring at her with pride. She has never seen Fatin this close before, they never had reason to interact. So she’s surprised she’s looking at her like that. And even more surprised that she’s with Dot.

“I didn’t mean anything by it.” Shelby whispers and honestly, Leah forgot she was still there. “I just...I’m sorry.”

She walks away, awkwardly passing between Fatin and Dot as she leaves.

“That was epic.” Dot tells her and extends her hand for a high five.

Leah shyly high fives her as she walks the same direction as Shelby had. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Fatin says, following behind with Dot at her side. “I’m impressed. Truly. I didn’t think you had it in you. I’m Fatin, by the way.”

“I know who you are.” Leah says as she continues toward the gym.

“Aww, you’ve heard of me. I’m flattered.” Fatin teases with a smirk.

Leah stops and stares at her. “Do you even know who I am?”

Fatin swallows audibly, and then nods slowly. “Of course. We’ve been in school together for six years.”

Leah frowns. Then she looks at Dot. Dot is still smiling at her. She shakes her head at herself. Everyone seems to know her, and yet, she always felt invisible. She wonders if that was more her own doing. She never let herself try to know them. She kept herself at a distance. Always telling herself that it was them who didn’t want to know her. But maybe she was wrong. She was wrong about Toni, she could be wrong about these two as well.

“You’re right. We have, and in all that time...this is our first real conversation.” Leah tells her.

“That’s not true. We do projects together all the time.” Dot says.

Leah rolls her eyes. “When the teachers assign groups and you and I are the only ones left without a group?”

Dot nods. “Yeah, but I also didn’t want to be partners with any of them. You’re smart and actually do your share of the work.”

Leah studies her for sincerity, and finds it. Huh? She really did have things wrong her whole life. She is lost in thought as she continues to walk.

“But seriously, where are we going?” Fatin asks again as they follow her.

“Basketball practice. I promised Toni.” She says.

Fatin frowns. “Wait...so what Shelby said is right? You’re together?”

Leah stops and stares at her. “Don’t tell me you have a problem with gay people, too.”

Fatin’s eyes widen and she shakes her head. “Absolutely not. I’m pan.”

It’s Leah’s turn to stare in shock. “Oh.”

“Yeah, and I’m bi.” Dot says. “Not that I’ve ever dated a boy or a girl, or anyone. But yeah…so, no, we’re not like Shelby. At all. We’re just surprised. Not about you, because I sort of called it two years ago.”

Leah’s jaw goes slack and she doesn’t know how to respond.

“But...you and Toni? Yeah, that merits attention.” Dot finishes.

“And isn’t she dating Regan?” Fatin stares at Leah awkwardly. “Not that I’m judging...if you’re into sharing or whatever, I…”

“Okay. Stop. Please for the love of God, stop.” Leah groans as she pushes open the gym door.

They are met with the sound of squeaky tennis shoes and basketballs being dribbled down the court. Toni shoots a three pointer and it goes in the basket, nothing but net. Leah smiles at her when she turns around and stops so quickly she nearly trips when she sees them. Leah waves awkwardly at her and Toni’s smile lights up the whole room. 

Leah is aware that Toni probably assumed she would ditch her after the confrontation with Shelby. Especially for getting harrassed about being gay when you weren’t. But Leah didn’t want to let Toni down, not after the kindness she showed her today. She walks the long way around the gym and smiles to herself when she notices that Fatin and Dot are still following her. She settles in the front row, Fatin and Dot sit behind her.

“Honestly, I can see the draw.” Fatin says. 

Leah turns around and sees Fatin watching Toni.

“She’s like a fire-cracker. She’d probably be fantastic in bed.” Fatin continues.

Leah knew of Fatin’s reputation with guys, she hadn’t realized that the reputation extended to more than just them.

When she didn’t respond to Fatin, the three of them fell into a comfortable companionship as they watched Toni’s practice.

Halfway through, when the coach gives them a water break, Toni jogs over to them with a smile.

“You’re here.” She says simply.

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

Toni licks her lips and cuts her eyes to the others. “And you brought friends.”

Fatin stands up and extends her hand. “Fatin...but I’ll assume you remember.”

Toni shoves the hand playfully away. “I do, but I don’t know where that hand has been, so you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t shake it.”

Fatn’s entire face lights up at the insult, and she laughs out loud. “I missed you.”

Toni grins. “Yeah, well, what’s not to miss?” She says as she dusts off her shoulder smugly.

Dot smiles, but Leah is confused by the interaction. Toni takes a quick sip of her water bottle and then runs off as soon as her coach blows the whistle.

“If you are into sharing...I’m officially throwing my name in the ring.” Fatin says conversationally and Leah chuckles at her openness.

“You think she’s joking.” Dot mutters.

“Oh, I don’t joke about sex. Sex is the only thing I take seriously.”

Leah smiles. She admires that about Fatin. Her ability to love and respect all aspects of herself too much to allow anyone to shame her.

And this time, she doesn’t even wonder why she fails to correct them on their assumptions. About her being gay. About her relationship with Toni. 

Toni joins them about a half an hour later, in the meantime, Leah, Dot and Fatin fall into a comfortable rhythm of playful banter. 

“Hey…” Toni greets them and Leah smiles at her genuinely.

“Hey, back.”

“So…” Toni starts, but trails off.

“Oh for the love of Sappho, can you two homos please stop eye fucking each other long enough to tell us what we’re doing next?” Fatin groans as she stands from the bleachers and stares at them with exasperation.

“I...what?” Toni’s eyes widen. “I feel like I missed something.” She leans into Leah. “Did you not tell them...you know?”

Leah shrugs. “It never came up.”

Toni stares at her incredulously. Leah knows it’s crazy to keep letting someone assume you’re gay when you’re not. But, it felt kind of nice to feel like part of something even if it was based on a lie. Then she frowns because, that’s how the thing with Jeff happened. A ball of lies that turned into something so toxic that it nearly destroyed her.

“I’m not gay!” She blurts out under the pressure of the memories.

Fatin and Dot burst out laughing. “Right. Yeah.”

Leah looks to Toni for help. 

Toni grins. “Well, you tried.”

Leah bites her lips. “I did.”

“If you don’t mind staying another ten minutes, I need a shower. Then maybe we could grab food. I’m famished.” Toni says to all of them.

Fatin licks her lips and snaps her eyes and mouth shut and Dot laughs at the action. Leah rolls her eyes knowing exactly what vision is going through Fatin’s head at the moment. And suddenly, she blushes as well. Because Toni naked in any scenario is something to admire. In a platonic and not at all sexual or gay way, of course.

She clears her throat and forces herself to answer for the rest of the group.

“I...I promised my parents I would eat dinner with them. I was going to bring home a pizza...if you all wanted to join me. Us. At my house.”

They stare at her in silence. Toni is the first to recover.

“I...if you’ll drive...I’ll go wherever.” 

“I could do pizza.” Fatin says and glances at Dot. “You should come. I know you have to get home, but…”

“Maybe next time?” Dot offers.

Leah loves the sound of that. Next time.

“Perfect.” Leah smiles at them. “Fatin, why don’t you go pick up the pizza and I’ll wait for Toni. We should all be done together, and you can follow me to my house.”

Fatin nods and salutes her. Then she and Dot head off.

“So...how did  _ that  _ happen?” Toni asks, pointing to the two who are departing.

“They sort of overheard when I told Shelby off.”

Toni’s eyebrows rise so dramatically that Leah barely contains her laughter.

“You...you did that. Why?”

Leah looks at her feet shyly and kicks at the floor with the toe of one of her shoes. Then she glances back up at Toni. “You were great with me...when you thought I was coming out to my parents. And with the...what I told you. You’re a good person, Toni. And you don’t deserve the things Shelby says to you.”

Toni swallows audibly and it looks like tears are pooling in the corner of her eyes, so Leah looks away. She didn’t want Toni to feel so exposed.

“So...I was thinking. To piss Shelby off more...what if we started a Gay-Straight Alliance Club at school. You, me, Fatin and Dot.”

Toni laughs out loud, and discreetly tries to rub at her teary eyes. “Martha too. And Regan...maybe.”

Leah smiles. “The more the merrier.”

Toni nods. She looks like she wants to say more, but doesn’t. She excuses herself to go to the locker room and take a quick shower before their pizza night. Leah texts her parents to let them know about the change in plans, and they seem happy that Leah invited friends over. They probably are, since she never has before. 

Toni and Leah chat about nonsense on the way to Leah’s house. Favorite movies and music and books, and then a random game of ‘would you rather’ that leaves them both cracking up. Fatin pulls in behind them in the driveway and they all walk to the house together. 

Leah’s parents bend over backwards trying to please her friends, and it’s...really nice. Only Toni knows everything. Every sordid detail and small lie. And yet, as she, Fatin and Toni laugh and joke together in the living room while her parents desperately try to be the ‘cool parents’, Leah has never felt less invisible. Or more understood and  _ seen.  _ As she feels Fatin’s thigh pressed up against her own underneath the coffee table, and sees the look of contentment on Toni’s face in this moment...she feels like maybe she found her people. And if that’s true. If it’s these two...what does that mean for Leah? She finds herself leaning into Fatin a little further when she says something hilarious that has Toni falling into her. Fatin’s breath is warm on her neck when she exhales shakily. And Toni’s weight in her lap brings with it a warmth that Leah recognizes. Yeah...she might not be as straight as she always thought she was. And even though things in her life are likely to get more complicated than ever, she can’t help being excited for what’s to come for the first time in her entire life. 

  
  
  


XXXX

Toni doesn’t remember the last time she genuinely had this much fun, especially with people other than Marty or Regan. Yet, this feels different somehow. It makes her feel a bit freer, without all the extra baggage between them. Sure, they had gone to school together most of their lives so Fatin and Leah had to have heard some of the broad strokes about Toni’s sorry little life. But not the details like Martha did, and they never caught glimpses of it the way Regan has. She figures this must be why it’s so easy to unburden yourself to strangers at a bar. A little liquid courage and someone who typically doesn’t mean shit to you...and it’s a recipe ripe for personal exposure. But it didn’t feel like that with these two, it felt wrong to call them strangers now. It felt wrong to assume that after tonight, they could go right back to practicing indifference for each other.

“How about you, Toni?” Fatin asks, pulling Toni from her thoughts. “Need a ride?”

She looks around the room and finds everyone looking at her. “Right, it’s getting late.” She shakes her head. “I don’t need to put you out, I can just walk.”

Fatin frowns at her. “I know you live on the other side of town, I’m not making you walk home.”

Toni furrows her brows in confusion and then her eyes widen in realization. “Oh, I don’t live there anymore. Different place this time. It’s not far.”

It was still miles from here, but Toni wasn’t about to tell her so.

“What do you mean, different place? You moved?” Leah wonders.

“I..” She points at herself. “Foster kid. I’ve had twelve in the past five years.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “I didn’t know.”

“S’okay.” She shrugs. “Not something I tend to advertise.” 

She leaves off the fact that they also never really talked before. 

“So, that ride then.” Fatin says, as if she knows at least some of the story or maybe she just knows the feeling of not wanting to talk about things that are painful. “I’m not taking ‘No’ for an answer.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “Then why even ask?”

“To appear like I care.”

Toni smirks. Giving her a ride is proof she cares, and the way Fatin stares at her trying to appear otherwise warms Toni’s heart.

“Thank you for letting us crash your family dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Rilke.” Toni tells Leah’s parents politely and they smile at her despite the pity still showing on their faces.

“Anytime, dear. Same to you, Fatin.” Mrs. Rilke tells them.

Before she and Fatin can leave, Leah throws herself at Toni and hugs her awkwardly. 

“Thank you for...today.” She whispers in Toni’s ear, and Toni squeezes her tighter in return.

“Any time.”

Toni lets go and smiles at Leah, and then follows Fatin out the door. The first mile or so, they ride in silence as Toni navigates them.

“So...you and Leah? When’d that happen? I thought you were still with what’s her face…”

“Regan.”

“Yeah.” Fatin glances at her. “And I...I didn’t know Leah was...you know…”

Toni doesn’t answer at first, she continues to direct Fatin to her place. When they arrive, it’s completely dark. Fatin parks her Mercedes and shuts the car off. Then she turns in her seat until she is completely facing Toni.

“Is anyone home?” She asks with concern.

“Likely not. They haven’t been in days.”

Fatin’s eyes widen in alarm. “I...I would say that I wish I had your freedom.” She sighs. “But I know better. Are they nice, at least?”

“Better than most have been.”

Fatin frowns. “That’s not an answer.”

“Why did you pretend you didn’t remember Regan’s name when you’re in band together? I mean, orchestra. You practice together every Saturday. Cello, still? She says you're good.”

“I’m more than good.” Fatin says smugly before deflating. “And that’s because my mom won’t accept anything less. She thinks I’m practicing at the studio tonight, actually. If she finds out...I’ll be grounded the rest of the school year.”

“Then why risk it?”

Fatin gets a faraway look in her eyes, and Toni recognizes that look. She also knows that today wasn’t just about being rebellious and having some freedom, not for Fatin.

“She isn’t actually gay.” Toni feels like she owes it to Fatin to tell her. Leah had tried to earlier, so she thinks it’s okay to correct Fatin’s mistaken assumption.

“Right…” Fatin says, drawing out the word playfully. Then she notices the seriousness of Toni’s expression. “Shit. Really?”

“As far I know. She told me as much today. And I...I thought you should know, before you...in case you...”

They are quiet for several minutes.

“How did you know? About me...that I was interested in her?” Fatin questions quietly.

“There aren’t a lot of non-straight people at the school. I tend to notice those who are.”

“Awww, you noticed me.” Fatin teases. “I’m flattered.”

Toni laughs and Fatin smiles at her.

“I’m not with Regan anymore. Like...we’re not a couple. Sometimes, it’s sort of a friends with benefits thing.” Toni doesn’t like talking about it, the break-up still hurts.

She jumps when she feels Fatin’s hand on her forearm. “

“Sorry.” Fatin says and pulls away. “Want to talk about it?”

They’re silent again. Just before it becomes too much for Toni, and she decides to leave the vehicle, Fatin speaks up again.

“Then, why did she want to start the GSA thing? Leah, I mean.”

Toni shrugs. “To be supportive? And to piss Shelby off.”

Fatin smiles at that before growing serious again. “I never pegged you for an after school club type of person, so why’d you agree?”

“I guess...I know what it’s like to have questions about yourself and yet feel so sure about certain things at the same time. I know what it’s like for people to make assumptions about you. I guess...if she needs this, to help figure it out...I want to help her. Because I don’t even think she realizes she’s not as straight as she thinks she is.” Toni looks at her with more vulnerability than she’s comfortable with. “And I could use more friends, ever since Regan…”

This time, when Fatin slowly reaches over and pats her on the shoulder, Toni leans into the touch. So Fatin rests her hand there.

“She said she couldn't handle my fighting all the time. I think I scare her.” Toni sighs, frustrated with herself for how little she can control herelf sometimes. “Plus, she wasn’t exactly out. Not really. So we mostly had to sneak around anyway, and I think that got to her, too. So now we just have sex sometimes.”

“That’s bullshit!” Fatin yells so aggressively that it startles Toni. “I’m sorry, but it is. She shouldn’t get to make you feel like a dirty secret. I am sex positive in all the ways, you know that, but to dump you and still want you as a side piece...that’s not okay, Toni. You know you deserve better than that, right?”

Toni shrugs off Fatin’s hand because suddenly the kind gesture starts to burn. 

“Toni...you…” Fatin scoots closer to her and makes sure Toni is looking at her when she continues. “You deserve someone who wants to be with you, openly. Who isn’t ashamed of you. Because you’re...you’re good. And you’re fucking hot and you deserved to be showed off and treasured.”

“Aww, Fatin. Are you offering?” Toni teases because she’s uncomfortable with the attention and the compliments. Especially, because they don’t sound like shallow platitudes coming from Fatin.

“I mean, I’m not  _ not  _ offering.”

Toni laughs. “What does that even mean?”

Fatin collapses back into her own seat with a loud sigh. “I don’t even know.” She frowns. “I think I just maybe propositioned you. And I’m not even on the market for a girlfriend, I’ve...I’m...I get sex. Sex is easy. I understand sex. I enjoy sex.”

“Can you maybe stop saying sex?”

Fatin smirks and rolls her eyes, then she drops the facade and her face turns serious. She looks five years younger. “I think you deserve a lot, Toni. You definitely deserve better than Regan. And me. For what it’s worth. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Hey, don’t sell yourself too short. I think you’re pretty great, too.”

Fatin’s eyes light up.

“But I’m not sleeping with you.” Toni challenges and Fatin shakes her head and pouts at her. Toni shoves her playfully. “You’re ridiculous.” 

She opens the door and climbs out of the car, then leans in. “Thank you. Not just for the ride.”

Fatin nods. “Thanks for being my alibi. I was practicing cello all night if anyone asks.”

Toni nods back and stands again, ready to shut the door.

“Toni?”

“Yeah?” She leans back down.

“If the foster parents are ever...not nice. Call me, okay? You can stay with me, whenever you need.” She raises her hand. “And scout’s honor, I will keep my hands to myself.”

Toni laughs out loud. “How many boy scout’s did you sleep with to learn that gesture?”

Fatin laughs and flips her off. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“I thought that was your MO.”

Fatin’s smirk falls. “What if...what if I don’t want it to be anymore?”

Toni sighs and climbs back into the car. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are, Fatin. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

“I know...but what if...what if…”

“What if Leah is into girls and you want her to give you a chance?” Toni whispers gently.

Fatin nods. “Yeah.”

“I think Leah would be lucky to have you, regardless of whether or not you change your ways.”

“Yeah, but…”

“We spent the afternoon with her and she let you believe she was gay. She defended my honor to Shelby Goodkind. And she wants to start a GSA club at our school. I think that Leah doesn’t seem like the type to judge someone based on who they used to be or who the school thinks they are. I think that  _ if  _ Leah decides to take a trip to the dark side, there’s no better person to show her the way.”

Fatin licks her lips and then exhales shakily. “I’m sorry.”

Toni frowns. 

“We used to hang out when we were kids. You, me, Martha. Rachel and Nora. And somehow, we all fell apart. And I know that you’ve had it...bad....and I, I always asked Regan about you. Checked in. But, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I didn’t know what to say.”

Toni nods. “I’m sorry about the divorce. I...I know you were close to your dad.”

“Fuck him.”

“Oh, wow. Do you want to talk about it?”

“He cheated. He ruined our family.” Fatin curls herself up into a ball. “I think that’s what I’m most scared of. Becoming like him. I think that’s why I stick to sex with no strings.”

“You’re not your dad, Fatin.”

Fatin nods. “And you're not your mom.”

Toni swallows thickly. “I....”

“I know...well, I can’t possibly know...but if it’s anything like my dad. The fact...he didn’t love us enough to stay. To make it work. He didn’t love us enough to fight those...impulses. I blame myself, and I know I shouldn’t...but it’s hard not to think that maybe if I had been better, that he would have cared enough to try to stay.” She reaches her hand out and Toni holds it. “If it’s anything like that...for you...and your mom. Her addiction...that’s on her....and has nothing to do with you deserving to be left behind. That’s what I understand. Or what I can relate to.”

Toni squeezes her hand. “I...I wanted to be enough for her. To be worth stopping for. But...yeah, it hurts that drugs meant more to her than I do.”

“But that’s not what it is, you get that, right?”

“And you get that your dad...that his cheating...it doesn’t change that he still loves you.”

Fatin holds eye contact with her. “For what it’s worth. I’m glad today happened. Not sure still,  _ how _ it all happened. But I’m glad that it did.”

“Me too.”

They hug briefly and then Toni crawls out of the car and walks alone to the darkened trailer. She doesn’t bother turning on any of the lights as she wanders through the empty place and makes her way to her shared bedroom. 

The next morning, Toni is uncharacteristically happy when Martha picks her up for school.

“Who are you and what have you done with Toni?” Martha teases with wide eyes and a questioning smile.

“I had a good night.” Toni shrugs.

“Really? Practice went well? Did your coach name you team captain?”

“Not yet. But...I hung out with Fatin and Leah after school.”

“Fatin? Really? How is she?” Martha smiles excitedly as she drives toward school.

“Okay. Good, I guess. It was really nice to catch up.”

“Do you think you’ll hang out again?” Martha asks.

“Actually, yes. Leah suggested we create a Gay-Straight Alliance for school. So yeah, we’re going to hang out. I’m supposed to tell you and Regan about it. So...there you go…” Toni trails off awkwardly.

“Leah? Remind me who that is again?”

“We have like three classes with her, Martha. Leah Rilke. She’s the cute brunette with those...those eyes. Very blue.”

Martha frowns trying to place her.

“She always teams up with Dot when we’re assigned group work. Otherwise, she sits in the back and never answers any questions. Keeps to herself. Reads a lot.”

Martha’s eyes light up in recognition. “Yeah, I know her.”

Toni fills her in on an abridged version of her day yesterday, and Martha does the same to her. Then they pull into the school parking lot. Martha parks next to Shelby Goodkind, and excitedly greets her. Shelby smiles and greets her back before her eyes fall to Toni. 

Toni never had much of a problem with Shelby before. She moved here from Texas last school year and they never had much of a reason to interact even though they did share a few classes together. Shelby is kind to Martha, which tends to piss Toni off. But she was never obnoxiously rude and awful the way she had been yesterday.

Toni is caught off guard when Fatin’s scream fills the air between them.

“Morning, bitches!” Fatin yells as she jumps on Toni’s back without preamble. Toni laughs and her knees nearly buckle at the surprise attack.

“Seriously, Fatin. Warn a girl.” Toni chastises playfully before adjusting herself so she can better carry Fatin’s weight.

“Do you think that’s entirely necessary?” Shelby questions. But it lacks the bite it held yesterday.

Fatin slips off Toni’s back and approaches Shelby. “What’d you say?”

Shelby shuffles uneasily and glances between Toni and Fatin. “I don’t mean...it wasn’t...I just think that being overly sexual is inappropriate on school grounds.”

Fatin scoffs. “Are you insulting my promiscuity or our sexual orientation?”

Shelby’s eyes widen and she stares at her feet rather than them.

“Both then, huh?” Fatin jeers.

“Hey...don’t bother.” Toni says, pulling at Fatin. “It’s not worth it.” She stares at Shelby when she meets her eyes. “She isn’t worth it.”

Shelby exhales shakily and then swallows visibly.

“What? I...she didn’t mean anything by that. Shelby isn’t…” Martha looks from Toni and Fatin to Shelby. “You’re not...you don’t judge them for who they are...do you?”

Shelby looks pleadingly at Martha and then her gaze settles on Toni. “I wasn’t trying to…” She shakes her head. “I…” She lowers her voice and steps closer to Toni. “Can I talk to you? Alone, please?”

“Oh, hell, no. You can say what you need to say to all of us.” Fatin demands.

Shelby bites her lips and sighs. “Nevermind. Forget I said anything.”

She walks away silently. Toni watches her go in confusion.

“She’s such a bitch. You should have heard how Leah told her off yesterday.” Fatin states and replays the whole scene for Martha’s benefit.

Toni can’t help watching the slump in Shelby’s shoulders as she walks into school. And she doesn’t understand why it bothers her for Shelby to appear so defeated.

Toni happily trounces into her third hour because that’s the first class she shares with Martha, Leah and Dot. Leah is already in class, sitting alone in the back of the room. Toni unceremoniously plops down in the seat beside her.

Leah’s eyes widen in surprise when she does, as if she assumed that things would have gone back to normal after last night, but then her lips curve into a small, yet genuine smile.

“Hey you.” Leah greets her happily as Martha takes a seat in front of Toni. 

“So, you’re sitting with us at lunch today, right? No more spending the lunch hour reading a book alone.” Toni says instead of a proper greeting.

Leah blushes. “I...yeah. Sure. I’d like that.”

“Perfect.” Toni smiles back until movement out of the corner of her eye distracts her.

Dot sits down in front of Leah and smiles at them. Martha waves at her and Toni nods her head in acceptance. 

Then she sees Shelby enter the room. Toni forgot this is one of the classes she shared with Shelby as well. Their eyes find each other, and Shelby immediately looks away. Martha doesn’t even casually greet her this time, not like usual. 

Leah and Toni entertain themselves by passing random notes throughout class. Usually just ridiculous observations about their classmates or their teacher. One such note makes Toni laugh out loud, which Leah hushes her with a slap to her shoulder. That doesn’t help her calm down, and she’s happy the teacher has decided to ignore the outburst. But when Shelby turns around and frowns at her as she raises an eyebrow, she simply raises one of hers back in return. Shelby closes her eyes and then turns to face the front of the room. She doesn’t turn around the rest of the class. 

When the bell rings at the end of class, Toni tells the others to head on without her. She doesn’t have any other classes with any of them until after lunch. But her next class is with Shelby. So she slowly approaches her.

“What did you want to say to me this morning?” Toni asks. 

“I’m surprised one of your girlfriend’s is letting you talk to me.” Shelby spits out.

“So it was going to be an insult about my sexuality.” Toni says with disappointment. “I’m an idiot for giving you the benefit of the doubt and thinking there was more to you than the homophobic bitch that you seem dead set on being.”

She catches Shelby flinching at her words just before shoulder checking her as hard as she can as she walks past. She doesn’t get far though, before long, pale fingers wrap around her wrist.

“Please...wait.” Shelby pleads with her. “I didn’t mean that. I don’t even know why I said it.”

Toni turns to face her with a glare. “I have a few guesses as to why.”

“I don’t hate you, Toni.”

“But you do, though. I can see it all over your face.” Toni sighs. “I don’t understand though...I mean, yeah, I’m out. But I have been for years so it isn’t big news. It’s not like…” She frowns. “I’m trying to figure out how you knew. Or why you care. We haven’t said more than two words to each other since you moved here. You don’t even know me, and you hate me. Just because of who I am.”

Shelby looks grief stricken and tears form in her eyes. “I promise it’s not hate. I mean, I was taught…” She shakes her head. “But I...I don’t want to be like that. Like my Daddy…” Shelby collapses in her chair and looks up at Toni with pleading eyes. “I actually meant to apologize to you. That’s what I wanted to say this morning. That I’m sorry.”

Toni recoils, she is absolutely stunned by this version of Shelby. She’s usually so put together. So perfect. This Shelby looks...broken.

“My best friend back home...I...she…” Shelby clears her throat and licks her lips and Toni hates herself for staring at the quick swipe of Shelby’s tongue across those pick lips of hers. “I was awful to her. And I still haven’t forgiven myself for what happened....but yesterday, Leah...she called me a bully.”

“You are.” Toni says as she sits in the seat beside her. “What you said yesterday to me and Leah. How you made me and Fatin feel today...you  _ are _ a bully, Shelby.”

Shelby swallows audibly and cuts her eyes away from Toni. “I don’t want to be. That’s what I wanted to tell you. That I’m sorry. And that I will do my best to change. I...please be patient with me.” She stares at Toni with wide eyes. “Please don’t hate me.”

Toni is frustrated. Shelby bullied  _ her. _ And now she wants Toni to be patient with her as she attempts to change. Toni wonders how serious Shelby is about this turning over a new leaf thing.

“If you’re really serious, we’re starting a Gay-Straight Alliance at school.” Toni nearly smirks at the wide, terrified look Shelby gives her before she forces herself to continue. “You could go...maybe if you actually got to know some gay people, you wouldn’t recoil at us in disgust.”

Shelby shakes her head and clears her throat. “I think it’s great that you all have a club to support each other...but…”

“But you don’t want to burn in hell like the rest of us heathens by socializing with us?” Toni ventures with a raised eyebrow.

“No...that’s not…” Shelby attempts to stand up, but Toni beats her to it.

“I don’t accept your apology, Shelby. I can’t until you actually mean it.” Toni tells her. “So just go on pretending I don’t exist, I think I prefer it that way.”

She walks away before Shelby can respond.

At lunch time, Toni is sitting outside next to a large oak tree when Leah approaches her and sits beside her happily.

“Dot and I were in class last hour and we came up with a schedule that works for her for our club meeting. We still have to run it by you and Fatin.” Leah says, then her smile drops. “I didn’t know Dot’s dad was sick. I’ve been partnering with her for the last two years every time partners are required for projects...and I didn’t know.”

Toni rests her hand on Leah’s knee and Leah immediately places her hand on top of it. 

“Hey...she probably didn’t want you to know. I know I don’t like talking about my shit, you know?”

Leah nods but frowns. “I didn’t know about you either. I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not though.”

“I’m selfish. I spent the last few years so caught up in my own head...in my own drama…”

“Leah...it’s okay. You’re here now.” Toni smiles at her and Leah smiles back.

Toni feels someone watching her, so she looks up and sees Shelby in the distance watching them. But as soon as she looks at her, Shelby turns away. 

Leah must follow her gaze, because she says, “Fatin told me about what happened this morning.”

Toni looks at Leah. “Actually, she apologized to me after one of our shared classes. About yesterday and this morning.”

“Really? And are...are you okay with it? With her?”

Toni sighs. “I’m sick of hating the world. I’m exhausted from being angry all the time.” She stares at Leah with glassy eyes. “This morning...when Shelby confronted me...normally...normally it doesn’t take a lot to set me off. I would have had no problem fighting her. But Fatin, she got so angry on my behalf. She…” Toni looks away. “I’m used to fighting my own battles. It was nice that someone had my back. But…”

“But what?”

Toni glances at Shelby who’s already looking at her. Shelby gives her a strange, but sad looking smile. Toni furrows her brows in confusion, so she doesn’t return the smile but she gives her a barely there nod instead. That seems to satisfy Shelby, because she turns back to the conversation she’s having with her friends.

“I think she isn’t as bad as I assumed. As  _ we _ assumed. I think she’s trying to be decent.” Toni looks toward Leah and smirks. “She really didn’t like that you called her a bully.”

Leah smiles darkly. “I don’t usually do that. Confront people. Call them out on shit.”

“Thank you. For doing that for me. Like I said, I’m not used to people having my back.” She removes her hand from underneath Leah’s. “It’s like...for the first time for as long as I can remember...it’s like...I can breathe again. I don’t have to keep watching my back. I don’t have to always be on guard. I can rest. Maybe...maybe I can learn how to live again...instead of just surviving.”

She’s knocked over when Leah hugs her harshly and laughs as she falls to the ground. Martha immediately joins in the group hug when she arrives, as does Regan. 

“So...this is a thing we do now? Fornicate openly on the lawn?” Fatin teases in a badly exaggerated Southern accent that makes all the girls laugh. 

“Get down here, you know you want to.” Toni tells her.

Fatin shakes her head. “Nope. Not doing it. I can’t get grass stains on my new Gucci.”

That causes the girls to laugh harder. Eventually they break apart and Fatin settles between Leah and Regan, sitting across from Toni. Toni meets her eyes and smirks at her, and Fatin can’t maintain eye contact. Dot settles in a moment later, sitting beside Fatin.

“Did Leah show you our tentative schedule yet?” She asks them.

“Schedule for what?” Regan wonders.

“GSA.”

Regan looks at them in confusion.

“Gay Straight Alliance.” Dot explains.

“Oh, I’m not sure I can do it.”

“Can’t...or don’t want to?” Fatin asks with a bit of a bite, and Toni knows she’s protecting her again. 

“I just…” Regan lowers her voice. “I’m not ready to announce it to the world, you know?”

“No one asked you to.” Leah says. She seems to be picking up on the discomfort that Fatin and Toni are emitting regarding Regan’s indecision.

“Hey, who are you to judge me? I don’t even know you.” Regan tells Leah.

“I’m not judging you.  _ We _ were talking about the club we’re starting. You asked about it. We told you. No one’s making you go.” Leah holds her ground.

Regan stands up. “I don’t need this.” She looks at Toni. “I’ll call you later. Maybe I can stop by after practice.”

“Don’t bother, she’s busy. You know, with the club.” Fatin tells her.

Regan glances back at Toni and then walks away.

“What was that?” Martha asks nervously. “Regan’s our friend. We don’t need protection from our friend.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should pick better friends.” Fatin mutters.

Toni kicks at Fatin’s shoe with her toe. Fatin looks up at her. “I appreciate you looking out, but Martha’s right. Regan’s not our enemy here.”

Fatin sighs. “I just hate how she treats you like you’re disposable. You’re not.”

“Definitely not.” Lea agrees.

Toni sighs. “So, about the schedule?”

Dot and Leah animatedly launch into their ideas for the club and the schedule they planned out for it. After several minutes, they fall into a comfortable conversation amongst the group.

“But like, I still don’t understand how you and Dot became friends.” Leah says to Fatin.

“I don’t either, actually.” Martha says and Toni nods her head in agreement.

“I’m her drug dealer.” Dot says simply.

Fatin’s eyes widen and find Toni’s. “ _ Was. _ Right after my dad left. I don’t do that anymore.”

Dot narrows her eyes and glances between them. “She hasn’t bought from me in months. Do you have a problem that I deal?”

The question is directed towards Toni. And Toni doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“Her mom...she’s an addict. It’s why Toni’s in foster care.” Martha tells them after Toni nods at her in approval to do so.

Dot and Leah’s eyes soften.

“I...I don’t do it just for something to do.” Dot says awkwardly. “My dad is dying...and it’s hard to make ends meet since he can’t work and I’m still in school.”

“Hey, Dot. No judgement, okay?” Toni tells her honestly. “Let’s decide on that as a group. Our mission statement for the club or whatever. No judgement. No pity. And what is discussed here, stays here.”

“Deal.” They all respond in unison.

“I stopped taking pills because I realized what I needed more than a high...was a friend.” Fatin tells them quietly. “That’s why Dot’s my girl.”

Toni nods, because she gets it.

“I let my parents believe I was gay because...because Toni thought I was and she immediately accepted it. She was kind. And...I was lonely, too.”

Dot’s mouth drops open in shock. “Wait..so...you’re not gay?”

Leah shrugs. “I honestly don’t have a clue at this point. Still figuring myself out. If that’s okay.”

Toni’s eyes catch Fatin’s and they share a knowing smile.

“It’s more than okay.” Martha tells Leah as she scoots closer to her. “And we’ll help however we can. That’s what friends are for.”

They are interrupted when a shadow hovers over them. Toni shield’s her eyes from the sun and sees Nora Reid standing in front of them. She’s shuffling from foot to foot and looks anxious.

“Hey, Nora! What’s up?” Martha greets her warmly and although Nora doesn’t meet any of their eyes, she does smile shyly at them.

“I overheard Leah and Dot talking in class...about a club.” She thrusts a piece of paper at them.

Fatin is closest to her, so she grabs it. She shows the group. It’s a beautiful drawing of their group of friends and a homemade logo that has GSA in the center. “I made this for you. For posters. Like for recruiting.” She finally stills her movements and her eyes rest on Toni’s. “And I want to join the club.”

“The gay club?” Fatin questions.

“Gay Straight Alliance.” Dot corrects. “You don’t have to be gay.”

“So can I?”

Toni realizes that Nora never actually says whether she is gay or not. Not that it matters, but Toni is curious.

“Of course you can join.” Toni tells her, smiling. 

Nora nods, gives another small smile and then marches away from them without another word.

“Look at that...the old group getting back together.” Fatin smiles widely.

“Do you think…” Dot trails off. “I mean, I have a feeling...but I also might have been wrong about Leah, so I no longer trust my instincts.”

“Hey!” Leah shoves her playfully. 

“I’m starting to think that there might not be as many straight people at school as I thought.” Martha hums with amusement.

Toni distantly hears her friends descend into laughter, but her eyes seek out Shelby again. Shelby once again is already looking at them, and as soon as her eyes meet Toni’s, she looks away.

“Yeah, I’m starting to wonder about that as well.” Toni comments as her eyes furrow in concentration. 

There’s something about Shelby Goodkind that doesn’t sit right with her. And she plans to get to the bottom of it.


	2. Chapter 2

Fatin drives home with a sense of ease for the first time. Or, maybe not ease, but no longer a sense of dread. Today is the best day in her recent memory, and she’s thinking that Toni might be right. About her. About life. When she gets home, her mom is sitting alone on the couch drinking a glass of wine.

“You’re home late. Were you practicing?” Her mom asks, not looking up from the newspaper.

Fatin sits beside her on the couch and studies her closely. She sees the dark circles under her eyes from numerous sleepless nights. She sees the wedding ring still on her finger. And before she can think better of it, she leans into her and hugs her.

Her mom startles at first, then she slowly puts the wine glass down on the coffee table and pulls Fatin in closer for a tighter hug. 

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I think I like it.” She tells her.

Fatin smiles against her. “I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

Fatin didn’t realize how much she longed to hear those words from her, until she’s suddenly crying in her mother’s arms.

“Oh, honey. What is it?” She soothingly rubs up and down Fatin’s back. “Please tell me you’re okay. I worry about you. So much.”

That only makes Fatin cry harder.

“Fatin? What’s wrong?”

“I...I didn’t play cello today. I...I was with friends.”

Her mom pulls away. “I know I push you really hard....but, I want what’s best for you, and...if you need some time with your friends, you don’t need to feel guilty about it.”

Fatin wipes at her eyes and shakes her head. “It’s not that. It’s...I was with Toni.”

Her mom’s face softens. “How is she? I know she hasn’t had an easy time of it.”

Fatin laughs humorlessly at that. “You could say that. Mom, I...I’m sorry about Dad. And that I treated you so badly after. I know he did that...it wasn’t anything you did. Or me.”

“You, sweetheart? Why would you think it was ever your fault?”

“You guys fought about me all the time. I just figured if I was better, if I just listened to you instead of always arguing and causing problems...that…”

“Fatin, no. Our relationship problems were never on you. Yeah, it was easy to fight about you, but that’s only because we fought about everything. I’m proud of you. I always have been.” She sighs and grabs her glass and drinks the rest of her wine. “I know I made mistakes with you. I pushed you really hard. I’m sorry I kept you from your friends for so long.”

Fatin leans back into the couch. “You didn’t keep me away from anyone, really. I didn’t have any friends.”

Her mom stares at her with mortification. “Fatin...I...wow. I really screwed up.”

“For what it’s worth...I...I have friends now.”

She shares a proud smile with her mom and tells her all about her day. It is the perfect ending to the perfect day.

The next day at school, she glides through the hallways excited about the one class she shares with Toni. She wants to thank her for reminding her how lucky she is to have a mother who loves her. But part of her worries about saying anything at all, because she didn’t want to shove that in Toni’s face either.

She settles into her seat in quiet contemplation until Toni flops down beside her. They were in the middle of the room, where Fatin usually sits. Toni typically sits on the other side of the room, in the back, with Regan. 

“What’s up?” Toni says with a smile.

As Fatin is getting ready to answer, a loud bang echoes in the room as Shelby’s book hits the floor. Fatin isn’t convinced that the fall is accidental, and when she sees Shelby glance at them when she picks her book up, she figures it was intentional.

Regan walks in a few seconds later and her face falls when she sees Toni sitting by Fatin instead of her usual seat.

“Girls and their drama.” Fatin mutters with a shake of her head.

“I’m sorry...but coming from the biggest drama queen I know, that’s rich.” Toni mocks her as they wait for the teacher to enter the classroom.

Fatin rolls her eyes playfully and takes out her nail file to work on her nails. Toni laughs out loud.

“Case in point.” She says as she leans closer to Fatin. “There is no way you can convince me you are anything but a pillow princess with nails like that.”

“Fuck you.” Fatin smirks back giving her the finger for good measure.

Toni rolls her eyes. “I believe we already had this conversation in your car last night.”

The sound of a chair scraping against the floor distracts both Toni and Fatin from their conversation as Shelby storms out the door, nearly knocking into their teacher as she exits.

“Shelby?” He turns to class. “Where’s she going?”

“Bathroom, probably.” Rachel answers from behind Toni and Fatin and the teacher nods in understanding. Then she leans forward. “So...you two...are what, exactly? Friends again?”

Fatin turns around in her seat to face Rachel. “Yeah, actually. Nora, too. Sort of, anyway. We’re getting the old gang back together.”

Rachel raises her eyebrows. “The club she talked about non-stop last night. That’s...you guys?”

“We’re starting a GSA.” Toni tells her.

“I heard...and I wondered what could have possibly gotten Nora so geeked about it.” She says and then she frowns. “Nora isn’t...is she...you know…” She looks around the room to make sure no one is paying attention to them. “She can’t be gay. I...I’d know. She’d tell me, right?”

Rachel looks uncertain.

“You don’t have to be gay to join, she could just be an ally.” Toni tells her and shrugs. “Either way, I’m excited that she wants to join us. It’ll be nice to hang out again.”

Rachel nods and then studiously avoids their eye contact as she pretends to pay attention to note taking.

“You’re more than welcome to join, too. It’ll be nice catching up. I know you’re not currently in diving season…” Toni offers.

“It’s always diving season. You don’t stop training just because there are no competitions to compete in.” Rachel cuts her off, harshly. “Sorry. I...sorry, Toni.”

“That’s fine. I’ve said and done far worse to people.” Toni says sadly.

Fatin reaches out and touches her shoulder softly in comfort as she turns back around to try and pay attention in class. She lasts five minutes before she caves and pulls out her phone. She texts Toni several random emojis that she hopes Toni understands. 

When Toni snickers and looks at her with a smile, she knows that they still get each other. They always will.

Ten minutes later, Fatin realizes that Shelby never came back to class after her storm out, so she asks the teacher to be excused as she goes to look for her. She finds her on the third attempt when she walks through the door of the barely used bathroom on the second floor. Shelby stares at her with wide, wet eyes as she quickly covers her mouth and faces away from Fatin.

“What are you doing here?” She mumbles barely coherently while refusing to look at Fatin.

“Actually, I was looking for you. You never came back to class.”

“Don’t pretend like you were actually worried about me.” Shelby says as she turns back toward the sinks and washes her hands.

“I won’t lie to you. So yeah, it was more out of morbid curiosity and boredom. I didn’t want to get in trouble for using my phone in class, and it turns out both Rachel and Toni want to get good grades to stay on their teams...so they’re like...taking notes.”

Shelby actually smiles at that. “Maybe you could learn a thing or two from them about that.”

“What’s up with you?” Fatin wonders, point blank.

Shelby flinches. “What? Why do you think anything is wrong with me?”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Apart from you storming out of class and refusing to look at me…” She walks closer to Shelby and Shelby automatically backs away. “Relax, you can’t catch  _ the gay.” _ Fatin drawls out with a bad, imitation accent. “And I don’t currently have any STDs that I’m aware of.” She adds with a smirk.

Shelby scoffs.

“I remember you from last year. When you first got here. You didn’t always have a stick up your ass. You were a bit too faux-cheerful to be anything other than fake, but you weren’t a straight up bitch.”

Shelby glares at her. 

“I heard...mostly by insta-stalking...that you and Andrew seem to be on the outs. If him sucking face with Megan last night is any indication.” Fatin feigns disinterest. “If it’s about that douche-face...you don’t have to worry. Good riddance, I say. Cheaters gonna cheat.”

Shelby pushes past her toward the door.

“Seriously?! And people say I’m not a feminist!” Fatin groans. “I’m trying to like...support you. And it’s really hard, because seeing your pompous, holier than thou, homophobic face makes me just want to punch you. But...you looked upset. And dammit all to hell if I didn’t just go all soft and shit, but...I wanted to make sure you were  _ really _ okay. Because...it seems like it’s got less to do with Andrew and more to do with anything else. Moving away from home...from everything you know…all your friends...it’s gotta be hard. Right?”

Shelby barely nods at her, but at least it’s something.

“Well, if you need friends…” Fatin’s eyes widen. “This is absolutely not me offering. It’s just free advice. Stop acting like a raving bitch.”

Shelby snarls at her, but says nothing. She just walks out of the room. Fatin sighs. At least she tried. She’s a little proud of that.

At lunch, she finds Toni, Leah, Dot and Martha already sitting by what Fatin has come to acknowledge as their oak tree. She squeezes between Toni and Leah. Leah smiles at her as she scoots over a little more to make proper room for her. 

“What’d I miss?” Fatin asks.

“A lot actually.” Leah tells her. “Shelby confronted Andrew about cheating on her, and he dumped her in front of the whole quad.”

Fatin stares slack jawed at the jock table and sees that Shelby is nowhere to be found. She smiles with a bit of pride, because..good for Shelby. Not for getting dumped and embarrassed by the asshole, but for confronting him and thinking she deserves better. Maybe there is hope for her after all. Maybe she isn’t as shallow as Fatin thought she was.

“I feel awful for her.” Martha says sadly. “I know she isn’t the nicest to you guys, but she’s not a bad person. I know she doesn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, either way, no one deserves to have been embarrassed like that. Andrew’s an asshole.” Toni says and the others nod their heads in agreement.

They’re all surprised when Nora sits beside them and smiles at them.

“Hey, Nora.” Fatin smiles and the others greet her as well.

“I meant to say yesterday, but the picture you drew for our club was really amazing.” Leah tells her. “I...I hung it in my room.”

Nora practically beams at that. “I can always make another one, so you don’t have to use that one. I have a lot of ideas.”

“That would be great. Plus, you need to make sure that you include yourself in the drawing next time.” Leah says and Fatin’s crush on her multiplies times a thousand.

She feels Toni laughing against her and slaps at her in retaliation. “Shut up.” She hisses which only makes the laughter worsen.

“What’s so funny?” Dot asks, looking between the two. “Share with the class.”

“Hey...guys…” Rachel says awkwardly, as she comes to a stop before them. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Nora smiles brightly and tugs at her sister’s hand to pull her onto the ground beside her.

“Rachel!” Martha greets with pure giddiness that melts Fatin’s heart. 

Martha was always the most innocent, the most pure and genuine of all of them. 

“Hey, Martha.” Rachel smiles back. “So, I can only commit to like an hour a week, but...if it’s okay with you...I would like to hang out with you all again.”

Toni sits up. “Of course.” She puts her arm around Fatin and rests her head on her shoulder, and Fatin leans into the touch.

As she watches her friends chat and laugh together, she takes it all in. She can’t wait to share this day with her mom tonight.

  
  


xxxxxxx

  
  


Shelby spends the rest of the day dodging everyone and skipping classes, but can’t bring herself to ditch school entirely because that would mean going home. And she isn’t ready for that yet. She doesn’t think she ever will be.

She waits for most of the students to clear the parking lot before she even attempts to walk to her car, and when she sees Martha walking alone, she hurries to catch up with her.

“What are they all saying about me?” She asks pleadingly.

Martha stops walking and frowns at her. 

“You know how the school is...it will be old news by tomorrow.” She says in what Shelby assumes was meant to be a concerned and soothing tone.

“I don’t care about the damn school. Your friends...what’d they say?” Shelby asks with annoyance. “I’m sure Fatin and Toni and Leah all had a really good laugh at my expense.”

“No one laughed. We’re all sort of pissed actually. Andrew’s a dick.”

Shelby’s eyes widen. She is not used to hearing words like that coming out of Martha’s mouth.

“So...worse than laughing then. You all pity me?” Shelby wonders sadly.

“What? Shelby, no. Where is this coming from?” Martha reaches out toward her and rests her hand on Shelby’s forearm. “Here, come with me. Let’s talk.”

Shelby wants to argue, but she doesn’t. She follows Martha to her truck. They sit in the cab wordlessly and Shelby waits Martha out.

“Did something happen this summer?” Martha asks.

Shelby stares at her. “Why would you ask that? Did someone say something?”

Martha sighs. “We’re friends, right? Or...we used to be. Last year, we talked a lot. So much that Toni actually got jealous.”

Shelby frowns as she tries not to appear as interested as she is. “Why would she be jealous?”

“It’s been just me and Toni for so long. We’re each other’s person...or we used to be. She was scared that I would leave her. She doesn’t handle rejection well.”

Shelby nods. “So I’ve seen. Is that why she went all...commitment free this year?”

Martha furrows her brows in confusion. “What do you mean? She’s not...Toni’s like...she’s the most loyal person ever. And yeah, Regan broke her heart a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t...she’s not like you think she is. She’s just hurting. And scared of being hurt again.”

“I didn’t realize they broke up. They didn’t last long.” Shelby knew exactly how long they lasted because she knew exactly when they got together. Not that she would admit that to anyone, ever. “What happened?”

Martha shrugs. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“Oh, right. Yeah.”

“Shelby, you’re not...you don’t hate her and the others because they’re gay...do you?”

“I don’t hate anyone. Except maybe Andrew right now.” Shelby admits with a huff. “And even then, it’s hard for me not to blame myself for how that all ended.”

“You don’t get to feel bad about him after how he treated you. You did nothing wrong, Shelby.”

Shelby nods, but doesn’t actually believe her.

“But to answer your question...I don’t hate them because they’re...gay.” She plays with her fingers and avoids eye contact. “I sort of envy them for their freedom. They get to be whoever they want to be, they don’t give a shit about what others think of them. And here I am...miserable...because I try so hard to please absolutely everyone that I don’t actually end up pleasing anyone.”

“Oh...Shelby.” Martha’s voice is gentle. And Shelby feels drawn to her. Like she can trust her. Like maybe Martha is different than everyone else in her life.

So she swallows her pride and she reaches into her mouth and she takes out her mouthpiece. Then smiles briefly at Martha, whose only reaction is a brief flicker of surprise in her eyes and then a genuine smile. Shelby quickly re-inserts her false teeth and wipes her hands on her pants.

“I’m a fraud. Nothing in my life is real. Not my friends. Not my boyfriend. Not the reason we moved here. Nothing. And it just hurts….all the time....to always have to be anything but...me.”

Martha scoots closer to her and hugs her. Shelby melts into the embrace.

“My best friend back home was...gay. We moved right after she...died.” Shelby shares only what she’s comfortable sharing. She doesn’t share that she blames herself for her friend dying. She doesn’t share that she’s gay, too. She doesn’t share that her parents hate her for it and tried to change her by moving her thousands of miles from home. She doesn’t share that there is absolutely no way that she could ever hate Toni, when all she has wanted to do since they first met was kiss her.

And even though she still keeps the most important parts of herself secret, she somehow feels lighter. Free for the first time. Maybe a little bit less invisible. Less fake. And she feels like maybe for the first time since Rebecca, she actually has a real friend.

They talk for a little longer until Martha needs to head home to look after her little brothers and sisters. 

Shelby is driving aimlessly down the road just after sunset, because she’s not ready to go home yet and she has nowhere else to go. The soft Taylor Swift music keeps her company and when the rain starts, her mood doesn’t change. Instead, she sighs, because really, can her life get much worse? It’s not that she is all that upset about the break-up, but it’s easier when she had Andrew. Not that he made her happy at all, but having a boyfriend did keep her dad off her back. She isn’t ready to lose some of that freedom yet. How controlled and small it was.

Her headlights catch someone walking down the other side of the street. She slows down and squints in an attempt to see better. She slows to a stop when she realizes who it is. Toni doesn’t notice her--she’s too busy trying to pull her damp hoodie strings tighter so that the hood covers her face. Shelby can’t help smiling at how adorable she looks right now. She violently shakes that thought from her mind and rolls her window down.

“Need a ride?” She yells so Toni can hear her.

Toni stops instantly and looks around confused, as if she’s only now realizing she’s out in the rain, alone, at night.

“Shelby?” She asks as she walks toward the car.

“Get it, I’ll give you a ride.” Shelby tells her and is surprised when Toni doesn’t even argue with her.

She’s silent as Toni gets in the car and shakes the wetness off like she’s a Labrador Retriever. Toni glances at Shelby strangely, so Shelby quickly averts her gaze.

“Sorry I’m getting your car soaked.” Toni says quietly.

“It’s fine.” Shelby tells her and starts driving again.

She expects the silence between them, so she focuses on driving and Taylor Swift. She’s aware of Toni shifting in the seat and glances to see her pulling out her phone. Her wet backpack sits on the floor by her feet.

“Hey!” Toni says into the phone and turns toward the window for more privacy. “I tried calling Martha and Fatin but they didn’t answer, hope this is okay.”

Shelby can’t hear the other person, so she doesn’t know for sure who Toni’s talking to. But she has some ideas.

“Yeah...it’s just...my foster parents came home from what was apparently a bender.” Toni lowers her voice and Shelby finds herself straining to eavesdrop even though she can only hear Toni’s side of the conversation. “Only once, I got out of there before any real damage was done. But...I need a place to stay.”

Shelby swallows as she listens, and slows to a stop on the side of the road because she’s not sure which direction Toni will have them heading next.

“And you’re sure your parents don’t mind?” Toni pauses for the answer. “I really appreciate it. No...I have a ride.” Shelby feels Toni look at her. “You’ll see. We’ll be there soon.” 

Shelby sees Toni set her phone on her lap, and then she nervously plays with it turning it over in her fingers. When she finally looks at Shelby again, her eyes are filled with sadness and anger. Shelby can’t bear the sight so she looks back through the windshield.

“I don’t need your pity.” Toni mutters angrily.

Shelby frowns as she turns back toward her. “I’m not. I don’t pity you, Toni.” She sighs. “I was just thinking that it’s good that you have a place to go. That you have friends to call when you need to get away.” She awkwardly taps the steering wheel. “You’re lucky.”

Toni scoffs loudly and Shelby winces and closes her eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that....” She turns so her whole body is facing Toni. “I know...I didn’t mean to hear...but...I just meant, you’re lucky you have friends to call. I don’t have anyone to call...if I needed...if...yeah, that’s all I meant.”

Toni relaxes her posture slightly and looks back out the window. “So...what were you doing out this way, anyway?”

“Driving.”

Toni faces her as she rolls her eyes. Shelby bites her lips with embarrassment as she squeezes her eyes closed.

“Right. You knew that. I...Andrew and I broke up. Which I know you saw.” She opens her eyes. “He broke up with me...because I wouldn’t sleep with him.”

“Fucking bastard.” Toni mumbles which actually makes Shelby smile.

“Tell me how you really feel.” Shelby teases.

Toni smirks at her briefly before shaking her head. “He’s an asshole and you deserve better.”

Shelby blushes at that.

“Shelby, no one deserves to feel pressured into sex. And besides, I heard he was cheating on you anyway...so that makes him double the asshole, in my book.” Toni’s voice is soft even though it carries a bit of bite to it. And it warms Shelby’s heart to have Toni so protective over her in this moment, even if she feels embarrassed that Toni knows about the cheating. “Not that it’s my business, but I’m proud of you for standing your ground...with the sex thing. I think  _ you  _ should have dumped  _ his  _ ass, but that isn’t for me to say.”

Shelby smiles as she studies her fingers intently and refuses to look at Toni. “But you did...just say it.”

Toni laughs. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

They are quiet for a few minutes, but it’s not completely uncomfortable.

“You know...if you need someone to talk to…” Toni starts but trails off.

Shelby stares at her with wide eyes. “You’re offering?”

Toni shakes her head. “Me? No. I meant...I know you’re friendly with Martha...and if you ever need a place to get away to...her mom is the best person I know. So...there is a place for you. You have friends, Shelby.”

“A friend, you mean.” Shelby corrects sadly.

“And...the sex thing.” Toni continues, ignoring Shelby’s bout of self-pity.

Shelby blushes again. This is the most surreal….but nice conversation she has ever had. Nice because it’s with Toni and not because it’s about sex, she corrects in her own brain. Then corrects again and reminds herself that it’s  _ nice _ because she needed someone to talk to not because it’s Toni.

“It’s okay to not want sex. Now or...ever. Asexuality is a thing. That’s what I meant to say...earlier...if you need to talk to Martha, she’s ace, too.”

Shelby stares at her in confusion. “What?”

Toni waves her off. “I’m not saying you are or you aren’t. I’m not judging. I’m just saying that you’re entitled to how you feel and it’s okay to be confused about it, too.”

Shelby isn’t sure how to answer that. Or if she’s expected to.

“Is that...I’ve been thinking...you never said much about my being gay until...it’s the sex thing, right? You don’t like PDA. That’s what was upsetting you. And, I get it. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable, I make sure to tone things down around Martha usually, and I can do that for you, too. I’ll talk to Fatin…”

Shelby squeezes her eyes shut and slams the steering wheel loudly. “Please...just stop.”

Toni immediately stops talking and Shelby looks at her apologetically. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry I overstepped.” Toni tells her. “We’re heading to Leah’s by the way. Just get back on the road, and I’ll direct you.”

The conversation ends there as Shelby does what Toni says and soon they are pulling into a driveway not far from Shelby’s neighborhood. 

“Thanks for the ride.” Toni tells her with a strained voice.

“It’s not...you. I’m not. I don’t…” Shelby can’t seem to find the words.

Toni nods. “I know.”

“And I’m not...opposed to sex...it just has to be the right person.” Shelby tells her quietly as she steals a glance out of the corner of her eye at Toni.

Toni nods. “For the record, you made the right choice then...not giving it up to Andrew.” 

Shelby forces a small smile. “I’m glad you approve of my heartbreak.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

This time, Shelby’s smile is real. “I know.”

Toni climbs out of the car when Leah opens the door. She doesn’t look back as she walks toward her and when they hug, Shelby looks away. She notices Toni’s backpack on the floor of the car and grabs it. Shelby shyly walks toward them with the backpack in hand when Leah awkwardly steps out of the embrace. Neither of them notice Shelby’s presence yet.

“You  _ are _ hurt.” Leah says with concern as she reaches for the hem of Toni’s shirt.

She lifts it slightly and the light from Shelby’s headlights allow them to see a large bruise on Toni’s stomach before she pushes Leah’s hands away.

“I’m fine.” Toni argues.

Leah hugs her again, more gently this time. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Her eyes catch Shelby’s as she says it and they widen as she steps away from Toni in surprise. “Shelby gave you a ride?”

Shelby awkwardly clears her throat and lifts Toni’s bag in the air. “You forgot this.”

Leah grabs it so Toni doesn’t have to carry it.

“Thank you.” Toni says honestly. “For the ride...and my bag.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Yes, thank you, Shelby.” Leah says as she grabs Toni’s hand and attempts to lead her away.

Shelby’s eyes zero in on their linked hands and she shuffles awkwardly, yet somehow rooted in place. She wants to leave. She  _ needs _ to. But she can’t seem to make herself.

“Just a second, Leah. I’ll be right in.” Toni states as she pulls her hand out of Leah’s and steps toward Shelby.

Leah glances back and forth between then, and then nods. “I’ll set your things in the guest room and get you some dry clothes.”

She leaves them alone and Shelby doesn’t even mind that she’s shivering and standing in the cold rain right now, because Toni is looking at her with such genuine care that it makes everything in Shelby’s world feel right for once.

“I just wanted to say...I forgive you. That I accept your apology.” Toni tells her. “And...you don’t just have Martha. We’re all here, if you need someone.”

“You’re club?” Shelby guesses.

“Well, yeah. Like not officially, I don’t actually expect you to go to any meetings or anything. But the people. They’re good people, if you give them a chance.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “Not sure they’ll be willing to give me a chance.”

Toni smirks. “Yeah, well, you won’t know if you never try.”

Shelby doesn’t have a response to that. As usual, Toni leaves her speechless and flustered.

“Just think about it...okay?” Toni says before she turns and walks away.

And yeah, Shelby’s pretty sure she’ll think about nothing else the rest of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there isn't much Leah/Fatin content in this chapter, but I did warn about it being slow burn. And now that the gang is slowly getting together, we will be having a lot of different scenarios/interactions among the girls. I hope you enjoyed the insight into Shelby a bit, and as always, Fatin is a delight to write. Back to Leah and Toni POV's next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this is an intense chapter and where the tags/TW come into play (mentions about abuse (sexual and physical) and some homophobia) but I don't go into much detail about any specifics at all. This is the heaviest chapter, the rest will be less angsty and a bit lighter. I am very proud of this chapter, perhaps the proudest I am of anything I've written because of it's personal nature and I really hope you enjoy it and that it can bring some peace and healing to anyone who may need it.

After leading Toni upstairs to the guest room and giving her clean towels and clothes, Toni takes a warm shower and Leah heads back downstairs to talk to her parents.

“Is she doing okay?” Her mom asks with worry etched on her face.

“I really hope so.” Leah tells them honestly. Because she doesn’t know any other way to answer it. “Thanks for letting her stay over.”

“Of course, sweetheart. Any time.” Her dad tells her and she thrusts herself into him and lets him comfort her. 

“I just...I’m so scared for her. I wish I knew what to say...I don’t have a clue how to make this better for her.” She shakily breathes out as he holds her.

“Sweetie, I think you just being her friend and being here for her...I think that’s all you can do for her right now.” Her mom says as she kisses her forehead.

“But it’s not enough.” She looks at her mom. “She deserves more. She deserves so much more.”

She lets herself be held a little longer. Leah has never been more grateful for her parents in her entire life. She regrets taking them for granted. As she steps away, she wipes at the tear tracks on her face and knows she looks awful.

“I...um...called Fatin and Martha, too. Martha’s Toni’s best friend. I hope that’s okay?” Leah mumbles.

“Yes, absolutely.” Her dad says.

“Why don’t you go up and check on Toni and we’ll send the girls up when they get here.” Her mom suggests and Leah nods in approval as she slowly treks back up the stairs.

She doesn’t hear the shower anymore, so she makes her way to the guest bedroom. The door is slightly ajar when she approaches it, so she walks in without knocking.

Toni’s struggles with putting her shirt on, and Leah sees numerous scars marring the expanse of her otherwise flawless back and she exhales heavily. 

Toni turns around quickly, pulling the rest of the shirt down to cover her. She seems to take in the anguished expression on Leah’s face because she smirks and responds with, “You should see the other guy.”

Leah forces a laugh as she crosses the distance and wraps Toni in her arms. The girl is shaking as they embrace, or maybe Leah is.

“Seriously, though, it looks worse than it was. Promise.” Toni whispers in her ear and it brings Leah absolutely no comfort.

Leah waits a moment or two to reply, because she doesn’t trust her own voice right now.

“I called Martha and Fatin, they’re on their way over.” 

She feels Toni nod against her, but she doesn’t answer otherwise.

“Are you ever going to tell me how Shelby was the one to give you a ride?” Leah attempts levity.

Toni chuckles and pulls away. Before she can answer, Fatin and Martha rush into the room and sweep Toni in a group hug. Leah backs away awkwardly, taking in the scene. She thinks about how much her life has changed in the last couple days. How these three have somehow become her world.

Eventually, the four of them make it to the bed and cuddle together--not just to fit on the bed, but because they all need to feel the closeness. The warmth. The comfort. At least, Leah knows she does. Leah is holding on to Toni tightly, and Martha is on Toni’s other side. Fatin on the opposite side of the bed. They share eye contact briefly, and Leah figures that the intensity of Fatin’s obvious concern is mirrored back in Leah’s gaze. She smiles softly at her, and Fatin smiles back, albeit more subdued than usual. 

Fatin and Leah are sandwiching the best friends, holding them fiercely. As Toni recounts her evening of terror, Leah’s hand settles over Fatin’s outstretched one, and she inhales at the warmth and comfort it gives her. She listens intently to Toni and scoots a bit closer to her because she doesn’t want Toni to feel alone and Leah doesn’t want her to disappear. She needs them. These girls. She thinks maybe she needs them more than they need her.

“And I know that I fight a lot, that it always seems like I’m looking for one...but this time...I swear I didn’t do anything this time to cause this.” Toni’s words fall out quickly and with passion. Like she needs them to believe her. And Leah does. She absolutely does.

But also, “No, hey, I don’t care if you were being an asshole...which I know you weren’t...you never deserve this, Toni. Even if they are just random foster parents who don’t give a shit about anything but themselves...no one should ever lay a hand on someone they are meant to protect.” 

Leah says with equal passion. She notices Martha squirm uncomfortably and that Fatin nods in agreement.

“Leah’s right.” Fatins replies softly in the space between them.

They fall into silence for a while. Leah worries that Toni’s lost in thought and beating herself up about tonight...and maybe every other night. 

“I think...I think I start fights because it’s the only time I get to fight back. Like...for the first time in my life...the pain...it’s  _ my  _ choice. That I finally get to control something in my life. And I know a lot of people think I fight because I can’t control my feelings or my anger...but it doesn’t feel like that for me. For me…” She sighs and then whimpers a bit as she sniffs and wipes at her eyes. “Anger is easy. Hate is easy. I don’t know how to let anything else in...I don’t know how to ask for help...because...I don’t know what I’d do...if I reached out and no one was there. I...I need to believe that I can do it on my own, because the worst thing is finally deciding to let someone in and finding out that they can’t handle it...that they don’t care. I just...it hurts to not be enough. I can’t get myself rely on people. It’s easier to be alone, because then no one else can hurt you.”

Leah swallows thickly and buries her face in Toni’s hair as she lets her own tears silently fall. Her heart breaks for Toni--it’s in fucking pieces. 

“Hey...maybe Regan couldn’t handle what you showed her...but you have never been alone.” Martha mumbles and tightens her grip on her friend.

“Yeah, fuck that bitch. You’ve got us now, and we’re not going anywhere.” Fatin tells her with a fierceness that makes Toni laugh and Leah smile.

Leah squeezes Toni a little tighter by way of agreement and sighs happily when Toni starts to relax in her arms.

Silence overtakes them again, and Leah forces her mind to stay in the present. She listens to their ragged breaths, the occasional sniffs from crying. She feels Fatin’s warm hand beneath hers, and notices when Fatin turns her hand over so that Leah can lace their fingers together. And it’s that lifeline that completely shatters her. Leah starts sobbing silently. If anyone notices, no one comments.

After what seems like forever passes, Fatin speaks up.

“Are you ever going to tell us how you ended up in Shelby Fucking Goodkind’s car?”

Leah smiles, Toni huffs out a laugh and Martha looks at Toni expectantly for an answer.

“She was driving and happened to see me.’ Toni shrugs. “Pretty sure she didn’t realize it was me she was helping or otherwise she probably would have kept driving.” Then she sighs. “That’s a lie. I...Shelby’s not actually that bad. She helped me when she didn’t have to. And she didn’t even try to pry. She was respectful and...genuine. I think maybe, we were wrong about her. I know I was wrong about her.” She shifts a bit in Leah’s grasp and looks toward Martha. “I actually think...I think she’s like you.”

She says it so silently that Leah nearly misses it, but when Martha replies with a briefly surprised expression and a nod, Leah wonders what she’s missing.

Fatin nods her head. “So...forgive and forget it is.”

Leah wonders if it’s really that easy. To move on. To let go. She hopes it is. Not just because even Shelby deserves a second chance, but because maybe she does too.

“I actually wish I was more like you, Martha.” Toni says. “You always see the good in people. And I have to admit, that it gets fucking annoying a lot of the time. Except...that you always saw the good in me when no one else did, and you never gave up on me.”

“Yeah...I...I used to think that you lived in some fantasy world. Like living in the clouds.” Fatin frowns. “Shit that sounds awful. Like...I didn’t realize how patronizing I had been. I always wondered what it’d take for you to fall to Earth with the rest of us...but then last year…” Fatin closes her eyes and rests her head against Martha’s. Leah squeezes Fatin’s hand in hers, hoping to bring her back to them. Fatin opens her eyes and they lock with Leah’s before she redirects them in Martha’s direction. “I’m sorry that I ever wanted you to be anything other than who you were. I hate when people have unrealistic expectations of me...and in my own head...I did the same to you. I just...you’re optimism is a lot to live up to, Martha. I think I just always envied it.  _ You _ . Until…”

She trails off and Leah wrecks her brain trying to remember. There are vague bits and pieces of memory about a trial and some rumors spreading around the school, and then it hits her full force. She remembers. She hates that she didn’t care enough back then to follow the story. To remember the outcome.

“It’s not real, you know.” Martha says quietly. “I mean, it’s real, but I have to try very hard at it. It doesn’t come naturally.”

“But still, for someone to have gone through what you did. And still see the world and the people in it as good and worthy of kindness and forgiveness and love...you could have turned out like me...you could have given up. But you never did.” Toni tells her adamantly.

Martha exhales shakily. “I have to believe in redemption. I have to believe that people are good and…” She swallows audibly and closes her eyes. “I need to believe the best in people...because if there’s even the slightest chance that the worst person can be forgiven...can be loved...then...then that means there’s hope for me.” She opens her eyes and she’s thoroughly crying now. “I need to believe that there’s hope for me. That I can be good enough, too.”

“Martha…” Fatin breathes out and hugs her with all the strength she has. 

Leah takes it all in, and she’s crying, too. She’s fucking sobbing in a way she doesn’t ever remember doing before. She holds on to Toni like her life depends on it, and maybe it does. Maybe it fucking does.

“I hate myself...that I...that I lied. I will never forgive myself for it.” Martha wheezes. “But even before that...what happened back then...it made me feel dirty. It made me feel like no matter what I did...I was...I was tainted. Ruined. Like...like I was incapable of anything good. That’s why I had to re-create my world. To make it livable...to survive. To counteract the fact that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. And then...I…” She’s breathing so shallowly, so quickly that Leah worries she might hyperventilate. “I took his shame...I lived with the guilt and the self-hatred...and then...when others were brave enough to come forward...I was too invested in the false reality that I created. The story I made up that everyone deserves a second chance...that I...I lied. I lied and I let those other girls live with their shame.. _.and _ mine. I made their burden heavier.  _ I  _ did that. And I hate myself for it.” She wipes her eyes and looks at each of them. “Please don’t admire me or want to be like me. I’m a coward and a liar.”

They collapse around her, wrapping her in their arms. Leah whispers right along with Toni and Fatin that Martha is a good person. That she is strong and brave. And that making a mistake out of pain, out of fear, out of survival doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her human. And as such, it’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay not to always wear a mask to cover up the hurt. It’s okay to let herself cry and feel and hurt, because she doesn’t have to do it alone. They were there. They would always be there.

They stay like that, until their breathing evens out and the anguished sobs become fretful whimpers and the others soon descend into a fitful slumber. And yet, Leah lies there. She remembers now. The trial. She wasn’t at their school when they were kids--when the accident happened. So she didn’t know Martha then. But last year, her physical therapist was on trial for sexually abusing multiple patients, Martha among them. But on the stand, Martha perjured herself and told the world that nothing happened. Apparently, it took its toll on her. And Leah hates herself for her own blissful ignorance about all of it. 

She thinks about Martha and what she went through. She thinks about Toni’s life. She thinks about her own. About this past summer. How Jeff made her feel. At first, it was flattering and felt good to be noticed, to be wanted, to feel like she mattered to someone. But then things moved too fast, and it wasn’t flattering anymore, and instead made her feel filled with guilt and shame...she felt trapped. Like she was in too deep and didn’t know how to get out. When he left her, moving away without a word, it crushed her. But now...she shudders and her eyes widen. She was a victim. No, she’s a survivor. Like Martha. Like Toni. And that’s when it hits her. She wasn’t in a relationship, she didn’t have a boyfriend. No, what she had was something that nearly destroyed her. And not in the way she thought. She realizes how many things she kept at bay because the truth of them hurt too much to explore. She acknowledges that what happened to her wasn’t puppy love or first time romance. She knows it’s much more sinister than that now. And she knows that she doesn’t have the strength to carry this knowledge alone anymore.

“Fuck…” She breathes out.

“What?” Fatin whispers from the other side of the room.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you were still awake.” Leah whispers back.

“My two favorite people in the entire universe are hurting like hell, I don’t think I’ll sleep for the foreseeable future.” Fatin admits honestly, full of pain and vulnerability. “I...we used to be friends. All of us. As kids. I was friends with Martha when she had her accident. And Toni when she first went into foster care. But somehow we lost touch. Moved on. And I...I kept tabs on them. A little here and there. But...I never knew. I didn’t know the extent of…”

She cuts herself off, but Leah understands.

“You were a kid, too. It’s not your fault. Whether you stayed in their lives or not, it wouldn’t have changed anything that happened to them.” Leah tells her.

“Yeah...but...the pain they carry. The shame. I could have done something about that. I would have fought the world for them...just so they didn’t have to do it alone.”

“And you would have been amazing at it.” Leah says because she doesn’t know what else to say.

“I fucking would have.” Fatin smiles at her sadly. Then her face falls. “You’ve been crying. What’s wrong? Besides the obvious?”

Leah swallows and closes her eyes and then falls apart again. Instantly, Fatin crawls across the bed and stops in front of her. “I want to try something...I…” She opens her arms wide. “Can I?”

Leah collapses into her and wraps her arms tightly around Fatin. She feels Fatin hold her securely and it feels good, it feels safe. She feels strong enough to tell her the truth. To tell her everything. So she does. And Fatin listens. She kisses the top of her head softly and hums affirmations here and there so Leah knows she’s present. That she understands. That she’s here and it hasn’t changed the way Fatin sees her. She isn’t disgusted or ashamed of Leah.

“And I just...I realized. God...I never saw myself as a victim before.” She exhales. “Or survivor. Neither of those things feel right. They don’t feel big enough for what happened. What I endured. What Martha and Toni endured.”

“No, they don’t. They’re just hollow words, really.” Fatin says. “But also, sometimes, words are all we have. And even if they don’t encompass our entire experience...it doesn’t mean they can’t help us understand.”

Leah nods. “I just...I thought it was love, you know? I thought I was lucky to have found someone.” She laughs sardonically at herself. “How could I be so stupid? I don’t have a clue what love is. I…”

“Hey…” Fatin says quietly. Then she looks Leah in the eye. “You’re not stupid. And you do know what love is…” She gestures towards their friends who are sleeping and smiles at her. “I see how you are with them. And that’s love.”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because it isn’t romantic love?” Fatin wonders. “Fuck that. I have decided to make it my own personal mission to eradicate the false ideal that somehow romantic love is more important or powerful than any other kind of love.” She weaves her fingers through Toni’s hair. “I fucking love these girls. You and Dot also. And...I will not let anyone tell me that what I feel for them is any less pure or special or fucking all-consuming as what some asshole feels for their current fling.”

Leah stares at her in awe. But she gets it. The utter ridiculousness of the distinction. And it’s true. No one can convince her that love in all forms isn’t something to celebrate. So long as it’s pure and good and not twisted, corrupted or a lie. And that’s when she realizes it, that Fatin is right. That she does know what love is. And she is capable of it. That she loves these girls more fiercely than she ever loved Jeff. And just like Fatin, she would die for them. She inhales and takes them all in and smiles. Yeah, she would die for them. But she would much rather live for them. 

  
  


XXXXX

Toni wakes up the next morning and thinks that she should regret her vulnerability from last night. She worries that things will be awkward. She hates that she expects them to pity her this morning. But when she looks around and sees Martha’s contentment as she sleeps, and the way that Leah is cuddled into Fatin so securely...Toni realizes that things  _ have _ changed. But not in the way she feared they would. 

She slowly makes her way downstairs so she doesn’t wake them up. Even though they all have school this morning, they deserve the extra few moments of blissful sleep before the real world comes for them again.

When Toni gets downstairs, Leah’s mother is up and making waffles.

“Morning.” She says as she wipes the last remnants of sleep from her eyes.

“Oh, hey!” Leah’s mom turns and smiles at her.

Toni’s surprised that there isn’t pity reflecting back at her, only acceptance and concern. And it does something to Toni, something she doesn’t understand. She can’t help the reaction as tears swell in her eyes and she collapses on the stool by the counter. She’s quickly wrapped up in a warm embrace and she revels in the comfort it brings her.

“Sorry...I don’t...usually Mrs. Blackburn, Martha’s mom, is the only adult who’s actually happy to see me. And you...you made breakfast. And you’re...you’re here. And you don’t even know me but you let me stay the night and…”

“I don’t know what you’re used to, but in this house...any friend of Leah’s is instantly part of the family.” She tells her and pulls away slightly. “Plus, I owe you and Fatin a great deal of gratitude. The other night...when you were over for pizza. I don’t remember Leah being so genuinely happy for years. Maybe ever. And I hate that I never realized it until that moment...how little we ever saw her smile. How lonely she must have been. How heavy that secret must have been...and how scared she must have been to feel the need to hide a part of herself from us. But seeing her with you guys...and just...I feel like you’ve somehow given us our daughter back. And for that...you will always have a place here.”

Toni swallows the sob that threatens to overtake her again. No one has ever thanked her for anything or assumed that she was a  _ good  _ influence to have around. No one in her entire life ever expected anything of her, and...even if Leah’s mom seems to expect miracles...Toni finds that she has every intention of delivering on it.

She steadies her breathing and tries to regain her composure. Then a plate of waffles topped with fresh strawberries and whipped cream is placed in front of her and she almost loses it again. She must be about to start her period. That’s the only explanation she can think to explain her sudden vulnerability and attuned to any other emotion besides anger and resentment.

She’s halfway through her glorious breakfast when the other girls join her. Fatin kisses her temple as she passes, Leah wraps her arm around her as she stands beside her, and Martha stands behind her and collapses into her. And it feels perfect. It feels more like a fairy-tale than any embarrassing fantasy that Toni ever allowed herself to have when her whole world crumbled around her.

They laugh and joke and tease each other as they eat breakfast (Toni absolutely goes for seconds), and Toni notices how Leah’s mom keeps glancing at them and smiling softly. And Toni feels like maybe, this time, she found a real family that loves her. And this one, she got to choose all on her own.

They leave for school and Leah’s mom tells Toni on the way out, that she fully expects her to stay over again. And asks what her favorite meal is so that she can make them dinner tonight. Toni thinks it’s perfect. Everything is perfect.

“I think my mom thinks you’re my girlfriend.” Leah states with a blush as they get in Fatin’s car. 

Leah rides shotgun, and Toni sits with Martha in the back seat.

“Like you could handle this.” Toni smirks as she blows her a kiss and wiggles her eyebrows.

Leah bites her lip and shakes her head, but she’s blushing and Toni almost feels bad that she flirted with her.

“Now that I’m starting to realize that maybe I am actually into girls…” Leah looks out the window as she talks. “I…” She sighs loudly. “It amazes me how blind I was. Because like...every single girl is suddenly really hot. And I…” She plays with her fingers nervously. “It’s like the world is in color for the first time and I never realized I had been living in black and white.” She runs her hands through her hair. “God, I’m a mess.”

“Big gay mess.” Fatin teases fondly and Leah slaps at her playfully, but lets her hand rest on Fatin’s arm before slowly winding down and resting on her hand.

She awkwardly pulls away when Fatin moves to put the car in gear, and Toni raises an eyebrow at the development. She glances at Martha and Martha shrugs her shoulders questioningly. Neither of them knows when  _ that  _ happened. But Toni fully intends to ask Fatin later. 

As they walk in the school, they hear laughter and see Shelby surrounded by her locker by a bunch of Andrew’s asshole friends. They’re making fun of her for the break-up and calling her a prude and a dyke, as the kids standing around them in the hallway laugh at her. And Toni loses it. She barrels into the nearest jock and tackles him to the ground. 

Fatin and Leah are instantly at her side. Fatin is telling off the student body and Leah extends a hand helping Toni up. And Toni is filled with pride. She isn’t in this fight alone, and neither is Shelby.

“That’s right. Move along, you assholes.” Fatin says loudly.

Dot joins them soon after and adds, “You really want to do this? I’ve got dirt on all of you, so if you so much as look in Shelby’s direction again the rest of the year...I will air your dirty laundry.” 

“Whatever.” One of the football players says as he walks away.

A few of the others follow. But most of the students are still looking at them all.

“You got something else to say?” Rachel asks as she comes to a stop in front of them. “Go ahead? What, are you too chicken shit to say anything when you aren’t praying on Shelby alone?”

Shelby stares in amazement as she is surrounded by Nora, Rachel, Dot, Fatin, Toni, Leah and Martha. Even Regan steps up to join them, which makes Toni feel proud for her.

“That’s right. If you come for Shelby again...any of you, you have to go through all of us.” Toni says and the last of the students scamper away.

When Toni turns around, Shelby’s mouth and eyes are wide open and her eyes are glazed over with unshed tears.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve that...but thank you.” Shelby says in awe.

Toni shrugs. “You saved my life.”

Shelby’s posture relaxes and her gaze softens. “Are you...okay? I’ve been worried. I…” She looks around and then stares at the ground shyly. “I wanted to check in...last night, or this morning. But...I didn’t want to overstep. I...I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And safe.”

Toni nods. “I am. Thanks to you. And my girls.” Her eyes widen. “Not like... _ my girls,  _ we’re friends. Just friends.”

Shelby laughs. “I knew what you meant, Toni.”

The bells rings and startles them all so they separate and arrive late to class. And if Shelby suddenly sits by Fatin, Toni, Rachel and Regan in their shared first hour...no one comments on it.

Lunch is the same. Their group now includes Shelby, and it feels, to Toni, that she always belonged with them. That it was meant to be this way. She looks around at her friends. Nora, Rachel, Leah, Fatin, Martha, Shelby, Dot, and Regan and takes it all in. This is her family. Chosen yes. But also maybe something more. More like destiny. If Toni believes in that stuff. Which she never used to...but now she isn’t so sure.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The TW are mentions of suicide and homophobia, but again, not in detail. Also, spoiler alert to those who haven't watched Warrior Nun. I talk about it briefly and there is a quote from it. It's in Shelby's POV if you want to skip the first couple of paragraphs. I included it because I felt like Shelby would be able to relate to Beatrice and wanted to explore that. 
> 
> This is a lot longer than usual, because there are three different POV's. Dot, Fatin and Shelby. I intend to feature a couple unique POV's aside from the normal four, because I want the depth of all characters. I hope you like it. I was worried I set the bar too high after last chapter that I wasn't sure how I felt about this as I wrote it. But I'm satisfied with the results, and hope the humor doesn't fall completely flat!

At lunch, Leah invited the group over for dinner, and Dot had already given her excuse for why she couldn’t make it. But then Fatin shows up at her house that afternoon before Dot realizes what’s happening and honestly, she wants to be mad about it...but she isn’t. She hasn’t had a night without responsibilities in ages, and it’s nice to have friends, though she’ll never actually admit that to anyone...especially Fatin right now.

She lets herself in as usual, which is why it was so easy for her to do the sneak attack on Dot.

“Yo, Mr. C!” She says as soon as she’s through the door.

And Dot’s dad sits up straighter and his whole demeanor changes. He looks lighter. Happier. And less sick. Fatin’s presence always did that to him. Dot asked him about it once, and he made her cry by telling her it was because Fatin made his little girl smile and he would forever be grateful to her for that. He genuinely likes Fatin. But also, Dot assumes he likes knowing that she’s being taken care of. That she isn’t alone. Fatin dotes on Dot and makes sure they’re all fed. She entertains them with stories that make them laugh. And she even brings her cello sometimes and plays for them. Dot believes she does it because when she plays for them, she gets to enjoy playing cello again, rather than it being an obligation. 

“Fatin, my dear.” He smiles as she ruffles his hair and kisses the top of his head. “What brings you this way? Dot didn’t say you were coming.”

“Dot didn’t know.” Dot replies sarcastically as she glares at Fatin.

“Well, you see, a friend of ours invited us for dinner and Dot’s being lame. So I came here to kidnap her. I even brought a blindfold.” She actually winks at him.

“Dottie...why didn’t you say something? I’m calling to come. You go with Fatin and have fun with your friends, I’ll be fine for one night. You already fed me and gave me my pills.” 

She changed his pants, too, after another accident in the bathroom.

“I don’t know.”

“I do. And I’m the dad. Have fun. No drinking! And be home by curfew.”

He seems beyond ecstatic that she has friends. More than just Fatin.

So Dot can’t bring herself to deny him this experience. He gets to be a dad again, and Dot gets to be a kid. That’s all he’s ever wanted for her, and she knows it.

“I don’t have a curfew.” Dot says with a smile.

He scratches his chin thoughtfully. “You’re right. Then...just be back before the sun comes up.”

“I’m sure Leah and the others have a curfew. I’ll be back at a decent hour.” She tells him and he smiles wide knowing that this means she’s agreeing to go.

“Yes!” Fatin says happily as she grabs a blindfold out of her back pocket.

“What...no. We’re not doing this.” She hisses. “I don’t even know where that thing’s been.”

“And you don’t want to know.” Fatin tells her seriously. 

Then she tucks the blindfold back in her pocket, hugs Dot fiercely, and then hugs her dad, too.

“Bye Mr. C! Thanks for being cooler than your daughter.”

He laughs, and Dot can’t even be upset about the insult. Instead, she pushes Fatin toward the door as Fatin laughs at her gleefully.

Only Martha, Toni, Fatin and Shelby are able to make the dinner besides Dot...and that’s kind of perfect. She feels like she needs to ease herself into this friend thing. That is, until halfway through dinner she realizes it feels far more like she and Martha are crashing a double date than all of them being friends just hanging out. Fatin and Leah are sitting next to each other, whispering and laughing to themselves whenever the conversation amongst the group grinds to a halt. And then there’s Shelby who is stealing glances at Toni every time she thinks no one is looking and then if she gets caught, she blushes like an anime character.

It would be annoying if it wasn’t so ridiculous. And the thing that makes it the funniest is that none of them have a clue what’s happening. They’re all uselessly gay. Really, a discredit to the community. 

So Dot finds herself studying them, and it’s entertaining as hell. The only thing that Dot regrets is being here with Leah’s doting parents while her father sits at home, alone. It makes her feel guilty. But also, she can’t help being just a little bit resentful of Leah for having two healthy parents who love her. It isn’t until dessert is served that she realizes that something is really wrong. Toni looks as agitated as she feels, which is confusing because she was literally just laughing and flirting with Fatin two seconds ago. Dot remembers, because she made sure to take note of Leah and Shelby’s reactions to it and found it all rather amusing.

But then Toni excuses herself from the table and Leah, Shelby and Leah’s parents don’t seem to realize anything is out of the ordinary. However, when Dot catches eyes with Fatin and then sees Martha’s entire face drop, Dot knows that whatever is going on isn’t good.

Fatin excuses herself a moment later, after sharing a nod with Martha, and Dot relaxes a little. She only heard brief details about what happened to Toni the night before, and only has heard through the grapevine what her life’s been like the rest of the time. So she understands, she gets that happy family time might be a sore spot for her. And she’s glad that Fatin’s with her. 

Leah’s parents attempt the normal parental-type conversation. How was school? What’d you learn? But they fall short and the table soon grows awkwardly quiet.

Shelby waits a whole five minutes longer, before she finally addresses her concern. “Where do you think Toni and Fatin went? They’ve been gone awhile.”

Dot smirks in an attempt to cover for her friends. “In the bathroom for a quickie, I suspect.”

Leah and Shelby’s eyes widen and then both suddenly find their hands very interesting.

“She’s kidding.” Martha says as she frowns at Dot. “Tell them you were just kidding.”

“Of course she’s kidding, dear.” Leah’s mom says. “We know that Toni is Leahs’ girlfriend.”

Leah had just started drinking her water and spit it out all over the table. Shelby shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

“She’s not mom. We’re just friends.” Leah groans as her face reddens.

And Dot can’t take it anymore. 

“I’ll go get them.” She tells them as she gets up and hurries away from what has somehow gone from being a fun dinner with friends to a shit-show in no time at all.

She rounds the corner to the stairs and pauses as she hears their voices nearby.

“With everything you’ve been through, especially recently, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. You were able to control it...no damage done.” Fatin tells Toni emphatically.

“I know...I just...what if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“But what if…”

“Stop it, okay? You didn’t.” Fatin’s voice is full of firmness, yet laced with compassion.

Dot adores Fatin’s soft side, and hates that she doesn’t show it very often. She hides behind the rich, mean girl persona but that girl is all heart. She can’t help smiling. She’s about to reveal herself and let Fatin know how amazing she is and let Toni know that she gets it. That she understands. But Toni’s next words stop her.

“So...how’s your crush going? You and Leah seem extra close today.”

Dot hears Fatin sigh loudly. “Yesterday really shook her up. Not just what happened with you and what Martha said...but she’s got her own stuff, too.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I think you were right...I think that what she needs most right now is a friend. And I want to be that for her.”

“You think you can handle just being friends?”

“I have my own shit to sort out. Besides, you say it like it’s a consolation prize. Leah is amazing, and I enjoy being around her in whatever capacity she feels comfortable. I’m not settling and the whole idea of being Friend-zoned is repulsive, honestly. I love my friends. They are my favorite people.”

Dot swallows thickly at that, and she can only imagine the effect it has on Toni. They have a bond that Dot doesn’t understand. She even tried making Fatin explain it to her during the ride to Leah’s house--not that it helped at all.

“And in case you didn’t realize...that includes you, you know.” Fatin teases as if she’s exasperated. She isn’t. Dot knows better.

“I know. And ditto.”

“Fuck you.” Fatin growls. “I just gave you a heartfelt confession of love and all I get in return is ditto?”

Toni laughs and Fatin laughs with her.

“I love you, Fatin. I’m glad you’re in my life again. I missed you.” Toni tells her.

They fall into silence and Dot counts to five Mississippi and then to five thousand again, just to make sure. Then she takes a deep, steadying breath and rounds the corner. She feigns surprise the best she can.

“There you are! We’ve been wondering about you. Thought you got lost.”

Toni nods and whistles loudly. “This is the biggest house I’ve been in in years. Like a maze.”

“A fucking maze.” Fatin agrees as she leans into Toni and then reaches a hand out and grabs Dot’s wrist to pull her into them.

They both hug her, and Dot hugs them back. Maybe Toni wasn’t the only one who understood what it was like to be overwhelmed by the warm welcome of loving parents. Maybe Dot didn’t have to suffer in silence anymore. Maybe she had people who could get it. Get her.

“This is where the party is.” Shelby’s voice is an octave higher than usual and her Southern accent more pronounced.

That’s how Dot knows she’s putting on a show. And judging by the swell of emotions swirling in her eye, Dot realizes that Shelby may also be one of them. She may get it more than anyone. The parent thing anyway, because another of the emotions that Dot immediately recognizes also happens to be jealousy. She’s seen it before from her. It’s actually hard to miss, unless your as oblivious as Toni seems to be.

Leah and Martha are flanking Shelby and their faces flicker through a range of emotions as well, settling on soft smiles when they see that their friends are okay.

“Yeah…so...full disclosure.” Toni toys nervously with her fingers as Fatin hugs her tighter to her and Dot stands awkwardly in front of Toni. She suddenly feels the need to protect her from her own demons. Toni sighs and continues. “Leah, your parents are great, I adore them. But...I also almost punched a hole in your wall. Thankfully, Fatin talked me down.” 

Martha’s smile drops and she stares at Toni with concern. Leah and Shelby glance at each other and then at Toni as they wear matching frowns.

“I don’t understand. You were literally laughing like seconds before you left the room.” Shelby says.

Toni shrugs. “Yeah, I was laughing. I was having a great time surrounded by people I love and who love me. And...it pissed me off.”

Leah reaches for Toni’s hand and Toni holds it like a vice grip. If it hurts Leah, she doesn’t react at all. “I understand. It hurts to be reminded of what you never had. And I can’t imagine what it must be like to have them be so...them. But we do love you Toni, and we’re here. We’re not going anywhere.”

Toni nods, and Shelby shifts in place uncomfortably. 

“Yeah. I’m still...I’m trying to get better and control my temper.” She looks at the floor and avoids eye contact. “I...I used to self-sabotage...and...I never really had a lot to look forward to that wouldn’t eventually let me down. But now...I have so much to lose that it terrifies me.”

Shelby swallows and looks at Toni so intently, she seems to be trying to decide on something to say, but can’t find the words. Dot understands that concept, she’s definitely put her own foot in her mouth more times than she can remember.

“You totally missed it. We were all wondering where you were, so I told them all that you were probably off having a quickie. To which Leah’s mom announced that I was joking because Toni...apparently, you’re Leah’s girlfriend.”

Everyone goes still and the atmosphere becomes awkward. So...case in point...foot in mouth.

“It wouldn’t happen now anyway since I’ve taken a vow of celibacy.” Fatin says and Toni and Dot both crack up.

“Right…” Leah says, before adding, “Because that’s the only reason why it couldn’t be true.”

“Swear to god, hand on the Bible. I haven’t had sex since Monday.” Fatin announces proudly. “You might as well call me Sister Fucking Beatrice from now on.” 

Dot grins. “Hell yeah, Warrior Nun!”

Both Leah and Shelby frown. “Warrior Nun?”

Martha and Toni’s eyes light up. 

“On Netflix?” Martha says. 

“It’s perfection.” Toni states excitedly.

“Yeah...but what is it?” Leah wonders.

“Well...there’s nuns. And they’re...warriors.” Martha tells them.

“Gay warriors!” Toni announces and high fives Fatin. Then she frowns. “Shit, Shelby, maybe you shouldn’t watch. It’s...it might not be your thing.”

“It’s like, sacrilegious or something, right?” Fatin agrees, then puts her hand to her heart. “But so fucking transformative.”

“I feel like I need to watch the transformative gays.” Leah says as she pulls out her phone and does a google search. “They’re all like...unfairly hot.” 

She looks at her friends and they laugh. Everyone but Shelby.

They chat about nonsense for another fifteen minutes before Dot decides that she needs to get home to check on her dad. Shelby announces that she’s leaving as well and can drive her home. Five minutes later, after Dot is loaded up with left-overs to take home to her dad (Leah wouldn’t take NO for an answer), she and Shelby walk out together.

“You missed the yearbook photo last year.” Shelby says quietly as they walk outside and toward their vehicles. 

“Yeah, and…?” Dot says, glancing at Shelby.

“Nothing. I just...they gave you leftovers for your dad. We’ve been praying for him every Sunday at church. I just...that’s why you missed the school pictures...right? Because he’s been sick and you take care of him?”

Dot only nods.

“I can’t imagine how hard that is.” Shelby says, then softly adds, “And lonely.”

“It is. I wasn’t completely alone though...we have a good relationship and I want to spend all the time I can with him…” She trails off, leaving the “ _ Before I lose him _ ” left unsaid. But then she adds, “Plus, the last several months...I’ve had Fatin.”

“Yeah, I noticed you were friends. I always wondered about that.”

“Wondered why Fatin stooped so low as to hang out with me? It wasn’t out of pity.” Dot says.

“I never said…” Shelby sighs. “I always seem to say the wrong thing. All I meant was...Fatin seems to run in the popular crowd as more of a...I don’t know...duty? Last year, when she did anyway...she hasn’t at all this year. Anyway...I was just going to say that I’m glad that she has you, because she never looked happy even when she was surrounded by people. And I think I only noticed...because I can relate.” She stops walking and looks at Dot. “You hate me, don’t you?”

“I don’t. We never had an actual conversation until now really, and I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I’m too lazy for that shit.” She stands in front of Shelby. “For the record, they forgave you as well. This wasn’t a pity invite. You’re our friend now. And we’re sort of like a cult...or a gang. Blood in, blood out.”

Shelby goes from looking relieved to mortified in seconds and Dot smiles.

“Can I ask you a question?” Dot wonders and Shelby hesitates before finally nodding her head in acquiescence. “If you like Toni...why don’t you stop bullying her like a fifth grade boy with a crush and just ask her out? I know you’re not homophobic...more like...a self-loathing lesbian...right?”

Shelby looks so uncomfortable and so small. Dot sighs. “Look, I’m just saying...if it’s about the church or your dad…” Her eyes widen. “Maybe you should actually watch Warrior Nun. Especially Beatrice’s coming out scene.”

“Stop it.” Shelby says as she snaps her eyes tightly shut. “No one said...who said…” She opens them and leans in to Dot and whimpers brokenly. “Who else knows?”

“No one, I swear. And I’m not going to out you.”

“How...I’ve been so careful...how…” Shelby doesn’t even seem like she’s talking to Dot as much as she’s talking to herself.

Dot shrugs. “I’m invisible at school. But I see things. Last year, you were close with Martha. And you and Toni bickered a lot but it never seemed like it was out of malice.”

“She flirted with me a few times, I know she did.” Shelby says quietly. “She used to. She used to notice me. But when she started dating Regan, not only did the flirting stop...but she spent all of her time with her...it was easy to get her to notice me when I was always around. And I liked our fights.”

Dot nods. “What changed this year? You went from friendly rivals to...I don’t know. You really said some things on the first day of school and the second.”

“I know.” Shelby shakes her head and closes her eyes again. “We moved from Texas because my parents found out I was gay and...they thought that moving me away from the...temptation...would cure me. I was caught kissing my best friend. And to save myself...I said things about her...to her...awful things. She...she died by...suicide. And...I know I’m the reason. And even without Rebecca around...they still moved me halfway across the country.”

Dot has no words. But she doesn’t think she needs them. She thinks Shelby needs to get it out. So she lets her.

“You can take the lesbian out of Texas, but you can’t…” She frowns. “However that saying is supposed to go. Dad noticed. He noticed that I went to girls basketball games instead of football games. He noticed that I never talked about boys and I refused to get a boyfriend. And maybe when Toni started dating Regan...he noticed that I wouldn’t stop complaining about the girl in my science class. So he threatened me with a summer at a conversation camp. And that’s when I started dating Andrew. I thought since...I knew he was a player...I figured….if he got it elsewhere...he wouldn’t pressure me.” Shelby looks at Dot and she looks so lost and scared. “I started this school year convincing myself that if I could play the part...one more year and I’m out of here. I’m away from him. Just one more year to try and pretend I’m straight.”

“But then you saw Toni again…” Dot guesses.

Shelby nods. “I have had the biggest crush on her...and...she barely knows I exist anymore. Not that we were close before...not that we were ever even friends. But now...fuck….” She doesn’t even look ashamed of cursing and Dot feels a little proud of her. “She’s single. And we’re actually friends. And it is both my absolute favorite thing and the thing I dread the most. Not the being friends with her part...but the...I’m scared that the longer I’m around her...the less I’ll be able to hide who I am. And…” She sighs and it’s wet and actually more like a sob. “I just wanted a year of peace...of...not looking over my shoulder and being terrified that Dad will really send me away. I wanted...I actually planned to confess my feelings for her on Graduation Day. I’ll already be eighteen by then and Dad can’t force me anywhere.”

Dot’s whole chest hurts. Shelby is terrified of who she is. And the thing is, Dot can see it. She can see how perfect for Toni she could be. They could balance each other out. Sunshine and rain clouds. Grumpy and cheerful. 

“Shelby...I say this with love. But fuck your dad.” She frowns. “Like, not literally, because…”

Shelby rolls her eyes and actually smiles. “Thank you. I think...I think that’s the most honest I’ve ever been with anyone in my life.” Her smile fades. “Oh...and you know the icing on the cake? Toni assumes that the reason I blew up at her was because I don’t appreciate PDA...you know, as an asexual.”

Dot’s eyes widen. “She thinks…”

“Yeah. The idea of me being into her didn’t even cross her mind. She doesn’t see me that way at all.”

Dot rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “I swear...lesbians are useless.” She storms away in a huff. “And blind. And really, really dumb.”

Shelby jogs after her. “Hey, wait up. I’m your ride, remember?”

The ride to Dot’s house is awkward and filled with Taylor Swift. It isn’t until they get to Dot’s house that Shelby speaks again.

“Do you know this song?” She asks.

Dot shakes her head.

“There’s a line in here.... _ The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you. _ ” It was playing when I dropped Toni off to Leah’s. And...I can’t let myself hope for anything with Toni even if I was brave enough to face my dad. Because...how I treated her. What I did to Rebecca. Even if she forgives me for it...I don’t feel like I deserve it. I...I want to be strong for her. And good. But I’m not a good person. Not really.”

“Shelby….” Dot’s face softens. “Isn’t that the thing about forgiveness? It isn’t about you at all. It’s about them. It’s  _ for  _ them. And I already said they forgive you. She does.”

“But she doesn’t know about Rebecca. About what I did.”

“Then tell her. Not right away. Let her know you first. Let her see how amazing you are. Then...it won’t matter. You aren’t your past, Shelby. And she isn’t hers. Plus, this should go without saying...but you’re good Shelby. You’d be good for her.”

Shelby nods and throws herself at Dot for the most awkward, and yet meaningful, hug of Dot’s life.

“It’s just...seeing her...she flirts with everyone apparently, and I’m an idiot for thinking it meant something. That it mattered. That I could matter to her.”

“You’re not an idiot, Shelby.”

Shelby pulls away and wipes at her eyes. Dot doesn’t comment, instead she looks out the window and sees the lights are still on in the house.

“Hey...do you want to come in and meet my dad?”

Shelby’s entire face lights up and Dot is happy for her impulsiveness. Shelby follows her inside.

“I can’t believe you waited up for me.” Dot tells him with an incredulous smile. “What if we had been gone all night?”

He smiles at her knowingly. “Fatin was lucky to get you out of the house, I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away too long.”

Dot rolls her eyes at herself for being so damn predictable.

“Did you have fun?” He asks.

“I did.”

“And are you going to introduce me to this pretty lady, or make me do it myself?” His smile turns into a smirk.

“This is my friend, Shelby.” Dot says. “Shelby, this is my dad.”

He attempts to stand up and Dot rushes to him. “What are you doing?”

“I wanted to greet your friend properly.” He tells her and extends his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Shelby. Any friend of Dottie’s is good in my book.”

Shelby bypasses the hand and wraps him in a hug instead. Dot swallows harshly and averts her eyes. She knows what this means to her dad. What it means to Shelby. 

Shelby helps him sit back down and kneels down beside him. “Dot brought you leftovers. Leah insisted.”

“Why don’t you sit down Dottie, give me some of these leftovers, and you girls tell me all about these friends of yours.”

Dot lets Shelby talk because she wants to take it all in. Shelby gushes about them all, but Dot is fully aware that she spends the most time talking about Toni. And it seems like her dad notices as well when he shares a smile with her and raises his eyebrow. Dot shakes her head to let him know not to tease Shelby about the crush, and he heeds her warning.

Eventually, Shelby leaves and it’s just the two of them again.

“She’s great, Dottie. She’s even bubblier than Fatin, I think”

Dot will forever be grateful to both of them for not treating her dad like he’s dying. They treat him like he’s their best friend’s dad. They joke with him and gang up with him to pick on Dot. And it’s altogether perfect.

“You’d think that’d be impossible.”

He laughs. “So...she has a crush on this Toni girl.”

“Huge!” Dot laughs along.

“And Fatin? Have any of the boys finally tied her down?”

“Well…”

“I knew it! There is someone. I’m glad. I worry about her.”

“Me too, Dad. But I think she’s going to be okay.”

“Well, make her bring him over. I need to make sure he’s good enough for our girl.”

Dot smiles at that and shakes her head. “I’m not supposed to know about her crush actually.” 

Her dad raises an eyebrow. “She didn’t tell you?”

“I think it’s for real...I think that scares her.”

“I see.”

“Also, it’s a girl.”

His eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “Wow. Okay. And is  _ she  _ good enough for our girl?”

“Yeah...Leah’s one of the good ones.”

“Leah...the one who insisted on my dinner?”

“Yup. That’s whose house we went to.”

“I see...so you were her wingman.”

Dot shakes her head. “I sure felt like I was on a double date. It was so awkward even with Martha there.” She’s smiling though, when she says it.

He smiles as he takes the last bite of his dinner. “I’m glad you went.”

“Me too, Dad.”

“I’m glad you have friends.”

“Me too.”

“I know you have Fatin and you know I love her. I just...I want more for you, Dottie. I want everything for you.”

“I know. Dad.” She kisses him on the forehead, and then grabs the empty plate and heads to the kitchen.

She finishes dishes, and starts a load of laundry. Her dad’s asleep by the time she makes it back to the living room, so she pulls a blanket over him and then heads to bed. Today was perfect in every way that matters.

XXXXXXX

It was getting late, and Toni and Martha just left for the night. Fatin doesn’t usually get nervous, but being alone with Leah,  _ completely _ alone, has her nerves riled up. She offers to help Leah’s mom do dishes or  _ anything  _ less anxiety inducing that sitting alone with Leah on the couch. But every offer is denied. So here they sit.

“I have cello practice at the studio in the morning. But after, I was going to see if the girls would be interested in coming to my house for a pool party.”

“That sounds great. I’m in.” Leah smiles. She grabs her phone and presses a few buttons. “There, done!”

Fatin gets a notification on her phone. Leah put them all in a group message on Facebook and the affirmative responses are immediate. Fatin smiles at her, and then holds her phone and raises an eyebrow.

“I know, I hate Facebook. But I don’t have everyone’s number.” She bites her lip and looks at Fatin. “Yours included, actually.”

Fatin smirks and tries to play it cool. “Here, let me remedy that.”

She holds out her hand for Leah’s phone and she instantly surrenders it to her. She types her number in and then texts herself before handing the phone back to Leah.

Leah looks through her contacts and then laughs. “Super Bad Bitch? That’s what you’re going with?”

Fatin shrugs. Leah rolls her eyes and then types on her phone. Fatin assumes she’s texting her and awaits the tell tale ding on her own phone. But it never comes. She looks at Leah who has stopped typing and already put her phone back in her pocket.

“What’d you do?”

“Oh, I changed it.”

“To what?”

“You’ll never know.”

Fatin’s mouth drops open. It feels a lot like flirting, but it can’t be. Fatin saves Leah’s number to her contacts as “Soulmate.” Then she smirks at Leah.

“Then neither will you.”

Leah’s eyes widen, “Hey!” She frowns. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

Fatin is tempted because she needs to know. But also, there is no way she’s letting Leah see what she saved her as.

“That’s what she said.” Fatin replies instead.

Leah laughs as she rolls her eyes. 

Fatin doesn’t stay much longer, they hug after Leah walks her to her car. It doesn’t last as long as Fatin wishes it did. She doesn’t even pull out of the driveway before her phone buzzes with a message from Leah. She stops the car and looks at it.

_ Drive safe. Text me when you get home. _

Fatin tells her she will, and she does. They text randomly for the next hour and a half. Mostly Leah sends her memes that make Fatin laugh and she responds with her favorite gifs. She falls asleep with her phone in hand and a smile on her face, and she hopes Leah does too.

The next morning, she enjoys breakfast with her mom and recounts the night before...sans the ginormous crush on Leah parts. And she’s happy that her mom seems as excited about the pool party as she is.

“I’ll make a few calls to the caterer. Just make a list. And make sure that there are no distractions during your cello practice. I want you to have a good balance. Okay? No slacking on cello just because I’m being a little lenient.”

“I know, mom. I’ll put the work in. I promise.”

And she does. She practices for an hour on her own before the rest of the orchestra comes to the studio. She shares a friendly greeting with Regan who informs her that she can’t make it to the pool party.

When practice wraps up, she heads home to get ready for the rest of her day. Fatin threw parties before, but never actually had  _ friends  _ over before. Real ones. So she spares no expense which means that lunch features everything from mussels to grilled tofu. She just hopes they like it. 

And she really shouldn’t have worried, because they go to town on the food. These girls can eat.

Fatin laughs at Toni when she flawlessly makes it through her fourth mussel.

“Looks like you had a lot of practice…” She teases with a raised eyebrow.

Toni gets it immediately and over-exaggerates when she eats her next one.

Leah laughs out loud and so does Fatin. Shelby shifts uncomfortably, and Fatin wonders if she’s about to randomly spew more hate...but then she bites her lip and averts her eyes and Fatin knows that look. That’s how she’s sure she looks at Leah. The lust. The adoration. Her eyes widen when the full realization hits her. Shelby isn’t a homophobe...that girl is gay. With a capital G. And not only that, she has a thing for Toni. 

“You just have to have a little finesse is all.” Toni responds as she grabs one last one. 

“Oh, believe me. I’ve had practice of my own.” Fatin teases and the other girls laugh, well most of them. Shelby’s face is red and she’s digging her fingers in the grass. And Leah’s choking on some Takis.

But Fatin wonders why Toni is being subdued with her flirting. That’s one of her favorite parts about their relationship. 

“How about we play a game?” Shelby asks, her voice a bit too high pitched to be normal.

“Like what? I’m not ready to play any drinking games with you all yet.” Rachel answers.

“I was thinking volleyball. The net’s already up.”

Rachel smiles at that. “I’m up for that.”

“Me too.” Toni says with a smirk. “We’ll see if you improved since last time.”

“When I was seven?” Rachel rolls her eyes. “Yes, I did. Not sure you grew much since then, though…”

“Ohh, trash talking already? It’s on!” Toni says excitedly. “You and Shelby can be captains.”

“Me? Why me? Don’t throw me in this competition of yours.”

“It was your idea, I think it’s only fair.” Toni counters.

Shelby looks uncertain. “Okay...then I pick Martha.”

“You’re tall, Leah, I hope you can play.” Rachel says.

“I…”

“Just tell me, are you ready to bring your A game?”

Leah shrugs. “I mean, I’m ready to bring a game. I have no idea what kind.”

Fatin laughs out loud.

“Nope. Forget it. I choose Nora.” Rachel says.

Nora smiles shyly. “Is this a pity pick?”

“No. I want to win, and I know how you play. I don’t know about the others.”

Nora nods thoughtfully.

“I pick…” Shelby looks around.

Fatin knows she is avoiding looking at Toni even though she wants to pick her.

“I pick Dot.”

Dot smiles and high fives her.

“I guess I pick Leah.” Rachel eventually says.

“Hey.” Leah pouts and Fatin smiles at how adorable it is.

“Toni!” Shelby says a bit too excitedly.

“Well doesn’t that just suck.” Fatin says as she marches to Rachel’s side. “To be picked last, I mean. Not to be on your team.”

She’s looking at Leah when she says the last part.

“But technically, you were picked.” Nora says and then looks at the ground because she must have realized that it was not helpful to point that out.

“Oh, it’s okay.” Leah says, tugging at the bottom of Fatin’s shirt. “We get to be teammates now.”

Fatin can’t help smiling as she allows herself to be dragged over to the other side. She hears Dot and Toni laughing so without looking, she flips them off.

The game is actually pretty close because no matter how tall or how cute Leah is, she is actually very bad at volleyball. Shelby and Toni are pretty much carrying their team just as Rachel and Fatin are carrying theirs. Nora’s pretty good, but she’s not aggressive or competitive like Rachel, Toni and Shelby are. 

The game is tied up when Rachel serves and the ball sails past Shelby and toward Toni, but Shelby attempts to go for it anyway. And the two collide. Shelby falling into Toni, straddling her and attempting to catch herself from falling while only succeeding in groping both of Toni’s breasts.

Fatin has never laughed so hard in her life. Dot’s trying to hold back the laughter. Only Martha and Nora seem to be concerned with their welfare, because Rachel is retrieving the ball and announces “Game point!” 

And Leah...Leah is staring at them wide eyed and looks fucking turned on which does things to Fatin. 

“How did I never know I was gay?” Leah mutters to herself, but Fatin’s standing close enough to her that she can hear it.

In case she was questioning Leah’s sexuality before...she is well aware of it now. Not that it matters, because  _ friends _ . They are just friends. 

It takes Shelby a few moments to realize where she is or perhaps, more likely, to recover from  _ where _ she is. She quickly climbs off Toni and smiles awkwardly at her.

“Sorry.” She says, extending her hand to help her up.

“It’s okay.” Toni says quietly and accepts the proffered hand.

Fatin doesn’t think Toni even realizes it yet, but Fatin knows there is something between them. Shelby’s crush might not be unrequited after all. Not that it matters for them either. Because Shelby’s terrifyingly in the closet. And Toni has already dealt with that before, with Regan. Toni deserves someone who is proudly and openly gay and who would revel in showing Toni off to their world. 

And as of now, that person isn’t Shelby. But Fatin finds herself rooting for her anyway.

  
  


XXXXXX

After the volleyball game and being so close to Toni...knowing what she smells like. How soft her breasts are...how they fit perfectly…

She shakes her head at herself. Shelby needs to cool off. To calm down. To get her bearings straight again. Gah... _ Straight!  _ As if she could ever go back to pretending again. After she left Dot last night, she drove around for another twenty minutes before going home. She was as quiet as possible when she got home, and even successfully snuck by her dad’s study as he worked on tomorrow’s sermon. She'll be there in the morning, front and center as usual. But it wouldn’t feel the same. Not anymore. Because  _ she  _ isn’t the same. Not really. Not now.

She watched a clip of Warrior Nun last night, and not to be glib or anything, but it changed her life. She replays the scene in her head. Sister Beatrice coming out to Ava, who is obviously her endgame. Shelby has to endlessly clear her browsing history, but she reads fanfiction. She knows an endgame when she sees it. Rebeca introduced her to that whole world. It was something they shared together. In the brief moments Shelby wasn’t steeped in self-loathing.

_ “My whole life, people have tried to make me into something I’m not. To make me normal...or at least, acceptable. I became skilled at so many things just so I would have value, despite my flaws. Or what I’d been taught was a flaw. Of course I tried to fit in. But when you’re punished just for being different...you begin to hate what you are. When what you love...what should make you happy...only brings you pain.” _

Shelby watched that scene seven times last night and cried absolutely every time. She had never felt so seen before. So understood. But also, Sister Beatrice didn’t forsake her faith for her sexual orientation. She may have hated parts of herself, but she became stronger for the burden. And even if she had to unlearn a lifetime of brainwashing, she didn’t bully or belittle Ava. Not that Shelby could truly be sure, having only watched the one scene. But she was obviously strong and brave enough to share her truth. She was courageous while being vulnerable. And she better fucking get her girl or else Shelby will have to try her hand at writing fanfiction for the first time, because really, she had a lot of shit to unpack and it seemed like a good way to do it.

The last line keeps replaying in her mind. Loving someone has only ever brought her pain. Not that she was in love with Rebecca, she didn’t get the chance to get there. And Toni...she did her best to keep those feelings at bay. She can accept her attraction to the girl. She can even admit that in the little time she has gotten to actually know her, that she has come to admire her. But that’s all she can allow. For now. Because she has to learn to love herself first. Because if she can’t even love herself...how can she expect to have anyone else love her?

A shadow blocks out the sun and Shelby removes her sunglasses and takes in Leah standing in front of her. 

“I’ve been meaning to apologize...for what I said to you on Tuesday. When I called you a bully.” 

Shelby blinks in confusion. “Why are you apologizing, I was being a bully.”

“Well...yeah, you were being an asshole...but you aren’t...an asshole.” Leah sighs and sits in the lounge chair next to Shelby. “There’s a specific distinction. It’s important.”

Shelby doesn’t know what to say, so she puts her sunglasses back on and looks away from her. 

“You had it all wrong by the way.” Leah laughs humorlessly. “We were hugging because I told Toni that I...something happened to me this summer. I’m only just starting to process it.” She continues to speak, but her voice is emotionless--detached. “Turns out losing your virginity and finding out it was statutory rape is only the second life-changing realization in my life this week. It turns out I’m also very gay. Bisexual, specifically. But at the time when you accused me as such...I had wrongly assumed I was straight.”

Silent tears spill from Shelby’s eyes and run down her face, even with sunglasses on, she knows that her crying will be visible to Leah. She doesn’t dare look at her, but she does take her sunglasses back off. No use hiding now.

“And you want to know what’s really fucked up?” Leah continues. “It didn’t ruin me...not the way I think it should have. Because even now...even with all this shit swirling around in my head...all I think about is love. I’m suck a fucking psycho.”

Shelby slowly turns her head to face Leah and looks at her sincerely and intensely. She makes sure to maintain eye contact as she finally breaks her silence.

“Isn’t that what we’re all afraid of? That we won’t be loved?” She swallows and looks away again, but feels Leah’s gaze on her. “That we’ll be all alone.”

Leah stands up, and Shelby assumes she’s leaving. She assumes that they had their moment. But Leah reaches for her hand slowly, and holds on to it with her own. Tightly. Like a lifeline. Like she cares. And it’s nearly enough to break Shelby for good.

“But we’re not. Neither of us. Not anymore.” Leah tells her firmly. “And you have nothing to be scared of. You’ll find the love you deserve.”

Shelby licks her lips and looks at Leah. “Yeah...that’s sort of what I’m afraid of.”

Leah frowns and then her eyes widen just barely. “You’re better than you think, Shelby. I was wrong before. You’re not a bully. You’re just as lost as the rest of us. Trainwrecks unite, right?”

Shelby lets herself smile. “Yeah.”

Leah squeezes her hand and then releases it. Before she walks away, Shelby stops her.

“Leah?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Leah smiles at her. “You’re welcome.”

“And Leah…I really am sorry. For the things I said to you and Toni. I didn’t mean it.”

Leah nods and gives her a small smile.

“Hey, are you going to play?” Nora asks as she swims up to them and rests her arms on the outside of the pool.

“Play what?” Shelby wonders, she’s always one for games.

Rachel joins Nora. “Chicken fights.” She points toward the others.

Toni is sitting on Martha’s shoulders, and Fatin is on Dot’s.

“But...they’re just...hugging.” Leah points out.

Rachel looks and huffs. “What happened to your game faces? I thought we were doing this tournament style...take no prisoners, show no mercy.”

Toni frowns. “You didn’t say it was to the death.”

“Yeah, you just said no playing dirty.” Martha adds.

“Question.” Leah says before asking, “Is not playing dirty just no cheating...or like a euphemism...for sex?”

Fatin laughs so hard she nearly falls off Dot’s shoulders, so Toni holds her to steady her. 

“What? No!” Rachel groans loudly. “I swear, you...gays...I just…since you’re making me actually say the words...no sex in Fatin’s pool.”

Leah smiles widely and Toni shakes her head with a grin. Fatin looks straight into Rachel’s eyes and smugly replies, “As if I haven’t done that, plus everything you could possibly imagine and more already.”

Rachel’s eyes widen and Shelby blushes and looks at the ground awkwardly. Leah is laughing beside her, as is Nora.

“Eww...I...didn’t need to know that!” She climbs out of the water and, honest to god, shudders. “Nora, I’m done. You need a different partner.”

Shelby doesn’t think she can play. She thinks that playing any game where she either has to get handsy with Toni or have a front row seat watching her get too handsy with someone else is more than she can handle today. Or any day.

“I’ll play!” Leah says. 

And Shelby’s relieved, but only slightly.

Rachel sits in a vacant lounge chair and Shelby joins her in the one she had been sitting in. They watch in silence while Leah hops in and squats a little so Nora can climb on her shoulders. The smile on Nora’s face is so pure that Shelby can’t help smiling herself.

“I don’t ever remember seeing her like this. Nora. Maybe when we were kids. Probably the last time we were here actually.” Rachel comments and Shelby diverts her attention from the girls in the water to the girl beside her.

Rachel sounds wistful, but sad.

“I know how much having friends means to her, she’s been alone for so long. Always watching from a distance but never being part of something. Like with me and diving. She sits on the sidelines and cheers for everyone else...but no one cheers for her. And that includes me. I’ve been so selfish...so focused and blind for so long…”

When she trails off, Shelby reaches out and touches her shoulder gently. “That can change today. We can cheer for her now.”

Rachel’s entire face lit up and for the first time in a long time, Shelby felt like a good person. A good friend. She felt like she did and said the right thing.

They turn their attention to the girls in the pool.

“Come on, Nora!!!!” Shelby yells loudly.

“You’ve got this, Nora!!!” Rachel is standing and cheering as if this is the Superbowl, so Shelby joins her.

“NORA!!!!!”

And Nora is laughing and glowing and she’s determined. She easily knocks Fatin off Dot’s shoulders and when Fatin comes up for air, she and Dot join in on cheering for Nora. Toni doesn’t make it easy on Nora, and Shelby absolutely adores her for it. They struggle as the cheers for Nora get louder. They’re chanting now. Like Nora is their hero. Like she matters. Because she  _ does.  _ She matters to them.

The fight takes a solid five minutes before Leah uses her height on Martha as an advantage and gets a better position for Nora. Nora is able to get a good grip on Toni and manipulates them until Toni is thrown into the water.

Shelby and Rachel jump up and down from the sidelines, and Fatin and Dot are praising her from the water. Leah is chanting with them as she marches Nora around the shallow end for a victory lap. Shelby’s own smile is so wide and genuine, and yet it doesn’t hold a candle to the absolute look of joy and pride on Nora’s face. She glances at Rachel and sees the same look, but Rachel also has tears swelling in her eyes. Shelby grabs her hand and squeezes it. Rachel squeezes back.

Eventually, the others climb out of the pool and make their way over to them. Nora is still beaming. She stops in front of Rachel.

“I know why you love diving so much. It’s fun to be great at something...and to have people notice it.” 

Rachel swallows thickly and squeezes her eyes shut tightly as she lunges at her sister and embraces her so hard they both nearly fall back in the pool.

Shelby looks around at the other girls, and by the looks on their faces, they understand the importance of what just happened. Maybe even more than Shelby does because they all used to be friends. But Shelby recognizes what she sees...and she knows how it feels to have someone truly  _ see  _ you for the first time. She’s so happy that the sisters finally got to understand each other and hopes that this is a new start for them. Because she’s seen them in school. Nora is always alone, Rachel is too busy with her diving to pay attention to her. Nora follows her around for any crumbs of attention and Rachel is so annoyed with the attention that she lashes out at her. Toni’s temper isn’t the only one people in school tend to gossip about. Rachel’s temper likely keeps her just as lonely as Nora, because everyone is scared of her, whereas Toni at least always had Martha.

The day winds down shortly after the epic chicken fight, but before everyone parts ways, Shelby decides to address what has been on her mind.

“I wanted to give that show you said...Warrior Nun...a try.”

“Hell yeah!” Dot says excitedly.

“But...could...can I use someone’s Netflix login so my dad doesn’t see?” 

They look at her with something akin to understanding and she’s glad she doesn’t have to say anything further.

“For sure.” Fatin says as she grabs Shelby’s phone and jots down the information. “I also saved my number.”

That starts a round of everyone exchanging numbers. Normally she’d be stoked that she had Toni’s number, but she knows that she won’t be brave enough to actually use it. Plus, she got it by default, not because she actually was the one who asked for it.

“Shelby?” Martha asks. “Where does your dad think you are right now?”

“Oh...um...volunteering at a soup kitchen.”

They all laugh, and Shelby forces a smile along with them.

“Shit...really?” Fatin asks when she notices Shelby didn’t laugh along with them.

Shelby shrugs. “College Applications. He wants me to get into a good school. I want to have the best chance to get into every one I applied for so I have options. I want to get as far away from him as I can.”

They nod, but it’s Toni’s genuinely soft smile that has Shelby’s attention.

“Good for you, Shelby.” She tells her.

To know that Toni is proud of her means everything. She ducks her head to hide her reddening face.

“I am trying.” She says, hoping they get the significance of that statement.

Dot nods approvingly and smiles at her with a bit of pride herself. And strangely, so does Fatin.

“We know.” Leah says as she taps her forearm gently with affection. “Oh, hey! When you’re ready to watch, let us know. I’ll watch with you and we can group chat our reactions to the others.”

Leah’s eyes are shining brightly and she smiles at Shelby so earnestly that Shelby nods and smiles along.

“That sounds perfect.”

And that’s what they do. They binge as many episodes as they can until they have to tap out and go to sleep. Plus, Shelby has church in the morning.

While she’s at church the next morning, listening to her dad’s sermon...she doesn’t just go through the motions. She still sings with all her heart and prays with every intention of being heard. But she still feels the shift. The part of her who is self-loathing is just a bit smaller than it was. The part of her that feels ashamed for who she is is being told off by Sister Beatrice...in her mind. The part of her that believed she was irredeemable for what she has done, takes in the message. That her sins are forgiven, that she is worthy and loved. That message isn’t skewed anymore by the other parts of her father’s sermon that would usually send her into a tailspin of guilt...instead, she hears her friends cheering her on. She pictures them screaming like they all did for Nora. Encouraging her. Celebrating her. Loving her. And honestly, it was the best time she has had at church in her entire life. She realizes that she doesn’t have to give up her faith to be who she is. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. She can love Jesus and love girls, too. And more importantly, she thinks she’s starting to believe that Jesus loves her even if she loves girls.

She sits through lunch with her family. She doesn’t have to pretend to be happy today, because she  _ is  _ happy. Her dad asks about yesterday, and she easily lies. She’s gotten good at it. At hiding parts of herself all these years that this lie slips off her tongue without any effort at all. But unlike usual, when she lies this time...she doesn’t even feel guilty about it. Yes, something really has changed within her. She’s becoming a better person. Or maybe who she was always meant to be. Or maybe, she’s just finally allowing her to be herself for the first time. Either way, it’s nice. It’s better than okay.

Her mom asks about Andrew and she tells her the truth. That he cheated on her and when she confronted him about it, he dumped her. Both of them seem to consider this information, and her mom looks rightly upset on Shelby’s behalf. Her dad doesn’t respond. And for the first time, Shelby doesn’t even care. She fulfills her familial obligation and then heads to her room to continue her binging of the show and talking to her friends. 

Shelby wakes up excitedly the next morning, even if she was up way too late last night finishing up the show. She loved every minute of it, and had so much fun group-chatting with her friends. Leah’s response to Shelby’s favorite scene was amazing. She was pretty incoherent through most of it, and Shelby admitted to them that she cried. Toni is actually hilarious. That is what Shelby keeps replaying on her drive to school. How every time Toni commented, Shelby’s heart sped up a little and she held her breath while she read it. And maybe she pretended that Toni was just texting her; that they were bonding. Toni didn’t respond as much as the others, but when she did it always had Shelby laughing. Vaguely, she recognizes that the more she gets to know Toni...the deeper she is falling, and yet, somehow...she still wants to play with fire. She wants to get closer still. She starts to let herself hope. And she knows full well how dangerous hope can be.

The school day goes by much like last week had, which meant sitting with her friends in their shared classes and all having lunch together. Today is the first official meeting of their club. They are set to meet in one of the classrooms after school. Toni and Rachel are attending even though it means they will both be late for their own practices, which Shelby realizes is a sign of their dedication to this club and more likely, the people in it. 

Aside from their regular eight, Regan is also there, which actually surprises and disappoints Shelby. Another girl in their grade, Jeanette, is there as well. She’s new to school, a transfer student. Shelby’s impressed that she’d even heard of the club already since they’ve only been to school for a week and Nora and Leah only put the posters up on Friday afternoon.

Shelby is surprised that Martha is the one who takes the lead after everyone introduces themselves to Jeanette and takes their seats.

“Today’s meeting is going to be short, we just wanted to establish ground rules so that we’re all on the same page.” She says to the group. “Nora’s taking notes. We’re basically discussing our intended reason for this club...our mission statement of sorts. So we can know what to expect and we can all get out of it what we want or need.”

Shelby and the others all nod in agreement. Makes sense.

“First and foremost for me...I’m a hugger.” Martha continues and it makes Shelby smile. “So, I need to know how you all feel about that. Consent is important. So, do you like hugs? Do you want me to ask first? Do you need to initiate? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

Shelby swallows. That’s...that’s sort of amazing. She’s never actually thought about it before, but it’s something she’ll think about from now on.

“Obviously, you know you can hug me any time, Martha. But in general...please no sneak attacks. I need to know...please just ask first.” Toni says and Shelby’s heart breaks for her. 

“Noted.” Nora says literally writing it down. “Same goes for me.”

“And me.” Rachel says, and Dot agrees.

“I’m good with hugs.” Regan says.

“I’d prefer...I want to be asked...or I am good with initiating.” Jeanette states quietly.

“Yeah, same for me.” Shelby replies.

“I like hugs...but for now...I think I prefer if I initiate.” Leah says unsure.

“That leaves you, Fatin.” Nora says, looking at her notes.

Fatin sighs. “Well since sex is off the table…”

“You took it off the table on your own.” Dot counters and a few of the girls chuckle.

“As I was saying...please hug me. I may become touch starved.” She says over-dramatically.

But the way that Dot and Toni are looking at her, Shelby realizes that Fatin is trying to be funny while admitting her vulnerabilities. It gives Shelby newfound respect for her.

“Alright, and since Fatin brought up sex…” Toni pauses when a few of the girls start laughing. “I think that as a LGBT+ club, we should acknowledge any ace folks and maybe...at least in this setting or...when we’re all together...we don’t excessively talk about sex.”

Fatin’s eyes widen and she nods. Martha smiles gratefully at Toni, and Nora and Leah nod their approval as well.

“And that includes masturbation, right?” Nora asks honestly, but it makes Fatin laugh loudly when she sees the awkward look on Rachel’s face. “I just need to be sure, we need to follow the rules.”

Toni seems to consider it. “When in a group setting...yes, masturbation is also off limits.”

“Kinky.” Fatin says but then gets hit by Dot.

“We  _ literally  _ just discussed this.” Dot hisses at her.

Fatin squeezes her eyes shut tightly and looks appropriately apologetic. “Right. Sorry. I apologize in advance because honestly, this will take some getting used to for me. But I do respect you all enough to try...so feel free to remind me. Just...no hitting. I bruise easily and...for the first couple days I foresee a lot of bruising.”

“I think that another thing we could do is make pins with pronouns. I don’t know much about all this stuff, but I have been researching and...I don’t want to mis-gender anyone.” Regan says.

Shelby frowns. She will have to do her own research because she doesn’t really know what Regan’s referring to.

“Great idea.” Dot smiles happily. “Just FYI, I identity as nonbinary but as of now, pronouns are whatever. Call me what you want.”

“Do not give Fatin that power.” Toni teases and Fatin blows her a kiss before playfully flipping her off.

Shelby can’t help laughing at that, and the others laugh as well.

“Apart from the gender thing...I don’t think we should make people specify their other identities unless they are willing to share. This is a gay-straight alliance. So we have our straight allies, but I think for those still figuring it out or who don’t feel safe being open about any of it...this needs to be a safe place for everyone.” Toni says.

“Agreed.” Jeanette and Regan say at the same time.

The room falls into a short, comfortable silence as they sit amongst friends. Shelby has to admit, she does feel safe here. Even with Regan and Jeanette, who she doesn’t know well at all.

“Can I just say something totally unrelated to the club mission statement thing?” Leah asks.

Dot frowns in confusion and looks around the room. “Yeah...okay. Do that.”

“Ever since we did the Warrior Nun binge...I sort of envision Ava as the narrator of my life. And I just wondered if anyone else did that?”

Everyone stares at her blankly.

“What? Is that a ‘No’ then?” She wonders.

Toni is trying not to smile when she questions her. “Like...what does she say?”

“I mean...it’s still me. Just  _ her _ voice. Like this morning for breakfast, there was a whole commentary about toast. Because isn’t that like a weird word? Toast?”

No one answers.

“And it’s funny stuff, too. I’m too serious and I think Ava’s funny. So I decided I wanted to be funnier.”

“Oh, honey, and I say this with love...” Fatin attempts but is cut off by Rachel when she replies, “It doesn’t work that way, you don’t decide to be funny. You are or you’re not.”

Fatin pats the top of her head and stares at her with a soft smile. “And I happen to think you’re hilarious.”

Dot laughs out loud and Shelby raises an eyebrow at her so she stops laughing and shrugs off Shelby’s unasked question.

“I feel like you’re being patronizing right now.” Leah frowns.

“I’m not.”

Leah looks unsure, and the room goes uncomfortably silent.

“Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?” Nora asks.

They stare at her.

“Because he only comes once a year and it’s in your chimney.”

Rachel’s eyes widen and everyone descends into genuine laughter, Leah’s is the loudest.

“Thank you, Nora. I didn’t realize how much I needed a dirty Christmas joke in my life.” She tells her with a smile and then shakes her head.

Shelby notices that her uncertainty from before is gone. She looks at ease again. She looks happy. And after the moment that they shared at Fatin’s this weekend, Shelby finds that she has a soft spot for Leah. She wants to protect her and she wants her to be happy. To find the love she craves and deserves. She even prayed for that for her. All weekend. Even if Leah’s happiness means that she might be a little in love with Toni and that most likely, Shelby doesn’t stand a chance with Toni because of it...then so be it. Because Toni deserves the world, and Shelby believes that Leah can give it to her.

Then Nora’s eyes widen and she blurts out, “Sorry! According to the perimeters we previously discussed, I realize that even though it wasn’t specifically a sex joke or about masturbation latently...that it might still be considered bad taste.”

And somehow, that made the moment even better. How genuine she was about worrying she offended someone or made someone uncomfortable. That’s how Shelby knew that these girls were  _ her  _ world. Every last one of them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I tagged the TW but wanted to let you know that this ones deals more with rape/abuse mentions than the other chapters have and a brief mention of homophobia as well.

Nora leaves the club meeting feeling happier than she has in a long time. She has friends again. New ones and old ones. She follows Rachel to the pool to sit and read while Rachel practices; she takes her normal spot on the bleachers. Middle seat halfway up the bleachers in the middle section of the stands. She sits down, waves to Rachel and smiles when, this time, Rachel waves back while on her way to the locker room to change. Then Nora immediately pulls out a book and starts to read.

She only gets through a page and a half before she is interrupted by Shelby’s soft voice.

“Is this seat taken?” 

Nora looks at her and then at the entirety of the empty bleachers.

“You’re asking to be polite.” Nora realizes and then states out loud.

Shelby smiles at her. “I didn’t want to bother you if you prefer reading, but I was hoping I could join you today.”

“Really?” Nora is confused. It isn’t an actual team practice. No one other than Rachel and Nora were even here. “Why?”

“Why do I want to join you?” Shelby sighs and sits down beside her. “Truthfully?”

Nora nods.

“I’m not ready to go home yet and I thought you might like some company. I haven’t had a chance to get to know you as well as some of the others and I would like to change that.”

Nora nods, places her bookmark carefully in her book and closes it. She wouldn’t get a chance to read today, but that didn’t bother her at all this time. Shelby actually wants to hang out with her, alone, and this is only the second time that has ever happened to her--having a friend just of her own. Not because they were all a group. Not because they knew Rachel. But because they wanted to spend time with  _ her. _

“What’re you reading?” Shelby asks.

Nora turns the book toward her to show her the cover.  _ Astrophysics for People in a Hurry. _

“I’m not, though.” Nora tells Shelby and then adds as an afterthought. “In a hurry.”

Shelby nods. “So you like to read, huh?”

“I do. A lot.” 

“What’s your favorite?”

“Genre? Nonfiction because I like to learn new things. I can’t pick a favorite book because there are too many.”

“That makes sense. I don’t read as much as I’d like to.” Shelby says. “You know, Leah reads a lot though. I always see her with a book.” Shelby says.

“Yeah, I noticed that too.”

“You should talk to her about books sometime. I’m sure she’ll have a lot to say.”

Nora considers that. She would like to be better friends with Leah. She had fun with her this past weekend at Fatin’s house. And they did talk a little when they hung up the posters Nora made for their club. But knowing that she likes to read makes trying to figure out a conversation that much easier. That is always the hardest part for Nora. She isn’t the best at initiating conversation, or at least, something that people wanted to hear. When she excitedly answers questions in class or tells classmates random facts she learned that were very interesting and actually relevant to the conversation, they always either laugh at her or ignore her. 

She wasn’t used to being listened to. And making someone laugh  _ with _ you instead of  _ at _ you is a very nice change, she realized after her joke this afternoon was a huge hit.

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Nora asks Shelby.

Shelby looks at her for a moment before she answers quietly. “I’m scared.”

“You’re scared of your parents?”

“My dad.” Shelby stops looking at her and instead looks out at Rachel climbing up to the high diving board. “He’s...he’s a pastor. And he...he thinks that being gay is a sin. He preaches all that ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’, BS. But when you  _ are  _ the sin, it’s kind of hard to differentiate between the two in your heart. And it really hurts.” She turns toward Nora again and whispers. “I’m gay.”

Nora doesn’t know who to respond to that. She doesn’t know if she’s supposed to. Shelby laughs out loud and then sighs loudly as she runs her hands through her hair.

“You know….that’s the very first time I said those actual words out loud.”

“The whole thing...or the gay part?” Nora wonders. 

“The gay thing.” Shelby tells her and then says a little louder. “I’m a lesbian.” She turns just in time to see Rachel dive into the water. When she’s underwater, she yells. “I’m a lesbian!!!”

When Rachel comes up for air, she looks at the bleachers in confusion. “Shelby?”

“Oh, hey.” Shelby says. “Great dive. It was...elegant.” She shakes her head. “I don’t actually know anything about diving, sorry.”

Rachel laughs and swims over to them. “What’re you doing here?”

“Keeping my friend company while she waits.”

Rachel smiles as she looks at Nora and Nora smiles back. “We were talking about books and stuff.”

Rachel climbs out of the pool and walks over to the bottom of the bleachers so Nora and Shelby walk down to meet her.

“Oh, and I also came out for the first time ever. Like said the words and everything.” Shelby admits and she looks like she’s a little bit proud. Which she should be, coming out is a big deal. Nora understands that.

Rachel’s eyes widen briefly and then she nods. “That explains...a lot, actually.”

“I’m working on being okay with it. With me.” Shelby admits. “I know I have a lot of work still to do, but this was a big first step.”

“So...the rest of the girls don’t know?” Rachel questions.

Shelby shakes her head. “Dot and Fatin figured it out over the last couple of days and basically questioned me about it, so I didn’t have to say the words. I just stopped denying them. This was the first time I willingly told someone...without being prompted to.”

“You picked a great ally. Nora is amazing with secrets and she’s a really good listener.” Rachel says which makes Nora feel embarrassed, but good.

She looks toward the ground awkwardly. Nora doesn’t really like talking about herself. Or being talked about. Probably because the talking used to be mean and she hasn’t properly processed what it’s like to have friends who praise you rather than tease you. That’s what she missed most about losing touch with Toni, Fatin and Martha. They were all a team. And bullies don’t mess with people in a group, everyone knows that the easiest targets are those who are alone. Nora hates being alone. When she feels Shelby lean into her and sees her smile, she remembers that she isn’t alone anymore. And her breathing relaxes.

“I think it was a good choice.” Shelby says smiling at Nora even wider. “Not sure when I’ll be ready to come out to the group yet. That’s a lot of people. And I trust them...but also, it’s scary. Having that many people know...if it gets back to my dad…”

“Then we’ll protect you.” Rachel says.

“And you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. It’s your life and it’s your truth to tell.” Nora adds.

“You’re right. Both of you. I know you all will have my back, and I get to decide when I’m ready.”

“Where does your dad think you are today?” Nora wonders.

“Oh, this time it’s tutoring.” Shelby says. “It’s a good thing I always had so many extra-curriculars. It’s easy to find excuses now. I used to use the same excuses for why I couldn’t hang out with Andrew.”

Rachel laughs loudly. “I always thought you could do better than him....even as a beard though, he’s horrible.”

“Yeah, well, beggars can’t be choosers.” Shelby says with a shrug and both Nora and Rachel laugh.

“Not sure you’d be begging if you didn’t want to.” Rachel says and shakes her head. “That was not a sex joke. I promise. Rules are rules.” She looks seriously at Nora like she’s going to get yelled at for violating their mission statement.

Shelby laughs though. “I guess I should take it as a compliment?”

“Yes. I just meant, you’d be a real catch...for the right person.” Her eyes narrow and she stares at Shelby. “Speaking of...do you have a girl in mind?”

Shelby blushes but shakes her head. “Doesn’t matter. I need to work on being okay with myself. I’d like to eventually come out...officially. When I turn eighteen, I want to confront my parents. I mean, I still could get kicked out but at least I won’t be sent to a conversion camp.”

“Shit.” Rachel exhales.

“I just...I want to be out for a while...I want...it’s important to me that when I do hopefully date someone...that she can’t be blamed for ‘turning me gay.’ Assuming I still even want to have a relationship with my parents after everything goes down, but I…” She trails off and looks out at the water. “I want to be proud. I want the person I love to know I’m proud. Of me and of her and of us.”

They are all silent for a while before Rachel smirks. “So, there is someone then.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “That’s what you choose to dwell on?”

“No. I mean, I get it all and I think you’re brave and strong and I hope it goes better than it likely will. But  _ also _ , if you have a girl in mind...she better be worth it. She’s got to deserve you.”

Shelby licks her lips and nods. “I think she is. I think she’s amazing.”

“She better be.” Rachel mutters.

Nora watches them for a moment and then speaks. “I read somewhere…’The universe only gives us what we think we’re worthy of receiving.’ You have to know you are amazing, too.”

Shelby’s eyes shine with unshed tears and she throws herself into Nora’s arms to hug her, but immediately steps back and raises her hands.

“So sorry. I forgot to ask first and…”

But Nora hugs her back. Shelby deserves good things, and hugs can be some of the best things in the world. She feels Shelby relax into her.

“Gay!” Rachel teases them and they both laugh. 

Shelby pulls away eventually as she wipes her eyes and shakes her head at Rachel. “I think I deserved to be teased like that...after…”

“Hey, no. We’re all friends. You’ve got to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change what already happened--you can just make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Rachel tells her and it looks like Shelby might cry again.

She doesn’t answer, only nods.

“I’m going to get back to the pool. I probably will be done in half an hour.” Rachel says before she jumps in the water and swims across the pool toward the diving board.

Shelby and Nora move back up the bleachers and take their seats. They chat for the next half hour. Nora learns more about Shelby’s life in Texas. Some good and some bad. Nora tells Shelby about her childhood friendships with Toni, Martha and Fatin. She tells stories about them and all the things they used to do together. Some make Shelby laugh, others make Nora sad because she missed them and realizes that she can’t get all those missed years back.

“What happened?” Shelby wonders. “Why did you all stop hanging out?”

“I know now it was because stuff was going on with Martha and Toni and they were trying to deal with it and it was hard. But...at the time...I always thought it was me. I don’t make friends easily. Being on the spectrum...”

“Spectrum?” Shelby questions.

“Autism.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize.”

“That’s why it’s a spectrum.” 

Shelby nods in understanding.

“So...I thought that they stopped wanting to be my friend.”

“Oh, Nora.” Shelby says.

“I didn’t know that.” Rachel says as she approaches them. “I didn’t realize you blamed yourself. I just thought that we all sort of got too busy or parted ways. Me with diving, Fatin with cello. I didn’t know…”

Nora shrugs. It’s already over, no use dwelling on it. Like Rachel said, they can’t change what happened.

“Still. I wish...I wish I knew. I wish that you didn’t take all that on alone. And then...then we grew distant, and Nora…”

“It’s better now. We’re all together again.” Nora says simply. 

“Yeah…”

“And the group is even bigger.” Shelby says. “You have even more friends now. Your social calendar is going to be all booked up.”

“I don’t have a social calendar. I don’t even have a regular one. I use my phone.” Nora corrects her.

“So do I.” Shelby tells her and Rachel smiles at them.

Rachel and Nora eventually say their good-byes to Shelby and they head home for the day. They eat dinner with their parents and happily recount their day. Then Nora heads to her bedroom to do homework. An hour later, Rachel knocks on the door.

“You busy?” She asks.

“Finishing up my last paper. But you can come in.” She says and Rachel walks in.

She slowly takes in the room like it’s her first time seeing it, which confuses Nora because it obviously isn’t.

“Today was a good day.” Rachel states.

“So was Saturday.”

Rachel nods. “Saturday was my favorite day in a long time.”

“Mine too.”

“You know you can tell me anything. Right?” Rachel says as she sits at the edge of Nora’s bed.

“Crows can recognize people’s faces. And fish as a category of species is entirely inaccurate, if you think about the science...”

Rachel stares at her and then a slow smile graces her features.

“You didn’t mean things like that, did you?” Nora asks.

“No. But I like when you teach me things.”

“What did you mean?”

“Like...personal stuff. If you need to ever talk about anything, I’m always here.” Rachel explains.

“Okay.”

Rachel sighs and starts to run her fingers over Nora’s comforter. “Are you...you’d tell me if you were...right?” 

“I don’t know what you’re asking.” 

Rachel licks her lips and then brings her eyes to Nora’s. “Are you gay...like Shelby?”

“Shelby is a lesbian. Officially. To be clear.” Nora amends. “Labels are important if people choose to use them.”

“Right. See, I need to learn this stuff.”

“And I’m not. A lesbian. Or gay. Or any of that. But I am asexual.”

Rachel nods slowly. “And that is…”

“It’s a spectrum, like my autism. So it’s different for different people. But for me, it means that I don’t even want to have sex. At all. With another person.” She felt it was necessary to add that last part. Because, for her, she can talk about sex and she masturbates, but the thought of actually being with someone else...she shudders violently at the thought of it.

“Okay...and if it’s a spectrum then…”

“Some people are okay with sex sometimes. Or it depends on the person they’re with. Or they would rather only give and not receive or…”

“Okay, I get it.” She looks thoughtful. “So today, the rules we made...it’s for people who might be asexual then. Right? That’s why we made them. Not that I actually want to hear all about Fatin’s sexploits. But...it was really good of Toni for looking out.”

“Yeah, it was unexpected, but nice.”

“I’m straight.” Rachel says. “I just...I feel like maybe that should be said rather than assumed. Is that okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be okay?”

“I just...a lot of this is really new to me. And maybe I’m not like Shelby’s dad or even like Shelby with all the deprogramming that girl has to do...but, I also have a lot to learn. And I want to.”

Nora nods. She appreciates that she’s trying. That’s all anyone can do.

“So...does that mean you won’t ever date anyone?” Rachel asks.

“Not wanting sex isn’t the same as not wanting to date someone. There is plenty you can do in a relationship that doesn’t involve sex.”

“Right. Duh.”

Nora smiles at her. “There are some people though, who don’t ever want to date. They are aromantic. You can be aromantic and still want sex or you can be aromantic and asexual both. It’s a spectrum too.”

Rachel stares at her with wide eyes. “I think I might need notes.”

“I can make you flash cards. If you want.” Nora offers.

Rachel smiles and nods. “Yes! That would be perfect actually.”

Nora is happy. She likes to feel useful. It makes her feel like she’s appreciated and wanted.

“I have a boyfriend actually.” Nora tells her sister.

“What?!!” Rachel jumps off the bed and rushes to her. “Tell me everything.”

“His name is Quinn. He’s in my physics class.” 

And Nora tells her sister all about him. About his special coat he wore on the first day of school. How he makes her feel seen and understood. How they laugh together and dance together. And how he is as smart as Nora, maybe more. But only a little.

And Rachel listens. It’s the first time they really talked. About  _ real  _ things. About Nora’s life. And it feels good to share it with her. Quinn makes her happy. And was the first friend she ever made on her own, which might make him even more special than he is as her boyfriend. 

“You should bring him to the next club meeting.” Rachel tells her. “I want to meet him before that, but you should also take him to the meeting. The others will want to know him.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe to which one?”

“The club. I just got my friends back, I don’t want to risk losing them.”

“Why would that happen?”

“In case they don’t get along. Quinn has a hard time making friends, too.”

“Then he could use some more, right?” Rachel counters and Nora thinks that maybe she’s right.

The next day, she finds Leah before school. Leah is alone by her locker, sitting on the ground reading. The sight makes Nora smile.

“What are you reading?”

Leah looks up at her. “Oh...well…” She shows her the cover.  _ Gideon the Ninth. _ “There’s lesbian necromancers and I didn’t realize I needed those things in my life until this moment.”

Nora sits beside her. “So it’s good then?”

“Really good. It’s part of the curriculum Toni made for me.”

“Curriculum?”

“She calls it queer studies. All the books, movies, TV shows and fanfiction I need to apparently consume. And to be honest, I didn’t even know what fanfiction was. I had to look it up.” Leah smiles. “She made me a bingo sheet, but I think that was more Martha’s influence. I think it’s cute and quite helpful though.”

Nora digs in her backpack for the book she brought for this moment. “I brought you one of my favorite books I read this year, since I know you like reading. The author is bisexual actually, so you can add it to the curriculum.”

She hands the book reverently to Leah and smiles when Leah treats it like it’s sacred.

“ _ Why Fish Don’t Exist. _ ” Leah reads the title and looks at Nora again. “I’ll start it as soon as I’m done with this one.”

“And then we can talk about it?” Nora asks.

“Yes. I’ll probably have a ton of questions.”

“I’ll be able to answer them. Probably.” Nora tells her proudly and Leah smiles at her in response as she carefully puts the book in her bag.

“Thank you for letting me borrow it.”

“You’re welcome.”

The next day, Leah finds her before school. 

“I brought you one of my favorite books that helped me get through the past few months. It’s nonfiction, too. Since you seem to prefer that.” Leah says as she hands the book over. 

_ Stillness is the Key. _

“It’s about mindfulness...but each chapter has some really cool historical facts or trivia about some pretty interesting people. I think you’ll like that about it.”

And she does. Two days later, she returns the book and they talk about it a bit. The next day, Leah finishes reading her book and also brings Nora a new one to read. They make a habit out of exchanging books and discussing them every Monday and Friday over the next few weeks. 

In addition to her growing friendship with Leah, Shelby joins Nora every time she goes to watch Rachel practice.

When she isn’t hanging out with her friends, she is studying with Quinn. Eventually, she decides it’s time to let her worlds collide and she brings him to a club meeting.

She introduces him to the group before it’s officially time to start.

“Everyone, this is my boyfriend, Quinn.” She tells them excitedly and a bit nervously. 

She hasn’t introduced him to Rachel yet, because she wanted to have only one stressful day and not two. So this is also the first time Rachel has met her boyfriend and she really wants it to go well.

“It’s nice to meet you, Quinn.” Shelby is the first to greet him. “I’m Shelby.”

“Yes. I heard all about you. You’re from Texas and you sit with Nora on the bleachers so she doesn’t have to sit alone. You also like games. And you are a pretty decent volleyball player.”

Shelby blushes and smiles. “And you must be pretty special yourself to have won Nora’s heart. She’s one of the good ones.”

He smiles at Shelby shyly even as he can’t look at her directly.

“And I’m the sister. Rachel.” 

Quinn shakes her hand. “I've also heard about you.”

“It seems like you know all about us, why don’t you tell us a little about you?” Rachel asks. “I know you’re in physics and my sister seems to think you’re even smarter than she is--which is high praise.”

He smiles again. “We are well matched. And actually, our quiz bowl team will probably go all the way this year.”

“Our first match is this weekend.” Nora adds.

“What? And you didn’t tell us?” Toni asks.

“People don’t usually go. Only parents sometimes.” Nora tells them.

“It’s out of town.” Quinn comments.

“Road-trip!” Fatin announces happily.

“I call shotgun!” Toni says.

“Do you even know who’s driving? That’s not fair.” Fatin argues.

Nora watches Quinn watch them. And she smiles when he takes off his big thick coat. She knows it’s his security blanket and knowing that he feels comfortable and safe with her friends and sister makes Nora really happy.

“You really want to come? We never have much of an audience.” He wonders hesitantly.

“Oh, we’ll be there! I think we should spend this meeting making signs.” Martha replies.

“I’m in charge of coming up with the insults we’re going to harass the other team with.” Fatin says.

“I’ll tag team you.” Rachel says.

“Guys...it’s not really that kind of event.” Nora tells them.

“It didn’t used to be.” Leah smirks. “We’re going to make you famous.”

“More like infamous.” Regan laughs. “But seriously, this sounds amazing.”

“I’m in.” Jeanette adds.

And Nora relaxes and listens and watches as her friends, sister and boyfriend chat happily about what quiz bowl actually is, and why they have a good shot of winning Nationals this year.

And on Saturday afternoon, she’s not at all surprised when everyone shows up at her house to carpool to the event. She decides that  _ this  _ is the greatest day of her life. And the competition hasn’t even started yet.

  
  
  


XXXX

  
  


Leah didn’t understand how hard seating arrangements could be when they decided on this road trip. No one wanted to force Toni to ride with Regan if it could be helped. But also, Quinn and Nora and Rachel all wanted to ride together. And Toni and Martha were a packaged deal, as were Fatin and Dot. Regan had a car and offered to drive so she decided to take Rachel, Quinn and Nora. Fatin and Dot seem to have ulterior motives for who they want to ride with whom, but then Toni seems to have a motive of her own and Leah is confused about what their agenda is since they are all friends. Luckily, Shelby looks just as lost as she does while Jeanette and Martha didn’t look like they care one way or another. 

Eventually it is decided that Shelby would drive Toni, Martha and Jeanette while Fatin would drive Leah and Dot.

“I still call shotgun!” Toni declares and Fatin rolls her eyes.

“Like I care where the hell you sit now.” 

“You’re just disappointed that it’s not on your lap.” Toni says and then her eyes widen. “Sorry. That...slipped out.”

Dot laughs loudly as do Fatin and Jeanette, and Martha rolls her eyes. Leah thinks it’s funny, and is confused by the apology. But Shelby’s expression is unreadable. And that makes Leah more confused.

“Just get in the car.” Martha groans as if she’s exasperated, but she’s smiling. 

Shelby, Toni and Jeanette walk to Shelby’s car and Martha follows them.

“Leah, I don’t care where I sit, want shotgun?” Dot asks.

“Sure?”

Dot is already climbing in the back seat, so Leah takes that as her answer. Leah crawls in the front seat. 

“Shotgun picks the music.” Fatin says when she starts the car.

“That is patently untrue. You  _ never  _ let me choose.”

Fatin glares at Dot and Dot smirks. 

“You have awful taste in music.” Fatin says.

“They are literally the classics. Everyone thinks so. There are radio stations dedicated to classic rock. It’s a whole thing.” Dot argues.

“I don’t know if the stuff I’d choose is acceptable road trip soundtrack material.” Leah says. “I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts though.” Leah tells them with embarrassment, but continues to ramble anyway. “There are some pretty amazing ones I could recommend…” She trails off.

“Like I said, you choose.” Fatin reiterates.

Dot is having a coughing fit in the back and Fatin turns around. “I am going to make you switch with one of the others if you don’t keep your damn mouth shut.”

Dot straightens up and pretends to zip her lips. Fatin studies her for a minute and then nods. She turns back around and starts the car.

“Wow...I know I should be terrified of you right now...but that was kind of hot.” Leah says and she knows her jaw is slack and her eyes are wide.

Fatin stares at her and swallows deliberately and then looks forward and takes a deep breath that she exhales slowly, but shakily.

“You all are testing me today.” 

Dot laughs again and Leah looks out the window. She goes through her phone trying to find something to play when she gets a text from Toni. It makes her laugh out loud.

“What is it?” Fatin wonders.

“Toni texted me. They let Jeanette choose the music and it’s all Pink all the time.” She shows her the video Toni just sent them. “The road trip hasn’t even started yet and they’re all rocking out.”

Martha, Shelby, Toni and Jeanette are singing and dancing in their seats excitedly and it makes Leah smile at how amazing her friends are. As they finally start driving, creating a caravan following behind the others, Leah watches the video again. She notices Shelby staring at Toni as the camera moves around the car catching them all in their dance party session. She sees the small, soft smile and the adoration in her eyes.

“Holy shit…” She breathes out and replays the video.

“What?” Dot and Fatin ask together.

“Shelby...I think she’s in love with Toni.” Leah whispers. Because maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe she isn’t supposed to know. Shelby isn’t out. She certainly isn’t ready to be. 

Dot and Fatin don’t respond right away. They don’t laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement or call her crazy. They don’t react at all. She looks at both of them. Fatin is focused on the road, but she has a vice grip on the steering wheel and her knuckles are turning white. Dot is studiously avoiding her gaze through the rearview mirror.

“You both knew.” She says because she knows it’s true.

“I figured it out this weekend. The volleyball game is when I knew for sure.” Fatin says.

“When did you know?” Leah asks Dot.

“I confirmed it when she drove me home from your house. But I knew last year.”

Leah’s eyes widen when Fatin swerves off the road and then recovers. “Shit! Sorry!”

“The whole year…” Leah thinks back on it, tries to remember anything she can from the previous year but she can’t. Then she thinks about the interactions this year. “She wasn’t being homophobic...she was jealous.”

She lets that sink in. And then remembers the conversation she had with Shelby by the pool this weekend. Shelby had said that everyone wanted to be loved. No one wanted to be alone. She was talking about Toni then, Leah would bet her life on it.

“Wow. Does Toni...do we know if Toni likes her back?”

“I haven’t asked. But I’ve been trying to watch. I don’t think she’d be opposed to it...I just don’t think it’s even a possibility on her radar, because she assumes Shelby’s straight.” Fatin tells her.

“Right.” Leah sighs. 

“Plus, the break-up did a number on her.” Fatin adds.

“So...are we Team Shelby and Toni? We are right? I mean, Regan is a good person and I like her. But…”

“She broke Toni’s heart.” Fatin concluded. 

“Yeah.”

“Plus, Shelby’s...Shelby.” Dot says. “She’s actually pretty fucking fantastic.”

Leah nods in agreement.

“Nothing less will do for my girl.” Fatin comments, then glances at them. “Toni, Toni is my girl.”

“Yeah. We got that.” Dot replies sarcastically.

Fatin flips her off and Dot blows her a kiss. Leah laughs at them.

They are all quiet for a while so Leah decides to ask another question. “How about you? Is there anyone…”

Dot has another coughing fit and Leah really starts to worry that she may be coming down with something. Fatin doesn’t respond. She’s either ignoring her or hasn’t heard her. She opens her mouth to ask again, but Dot interrupts her.

“I thought you were going to pick the music.”

“Oh, right. I forgot.” She goes back to scrolling through her playlists. 

Then she laughs to herself and makes a new one. She presses play.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Dot laughs as Pink filters through the speakers.

They laugh and sing along the rest of the ride.

Leah is having so much fun cheering on Nora and Quinn with her friends. She’s never been part of something like this before. Part of anything really. But especially something so pure and yet something that feels so huge. Bigger than her. The signs they made have science and math puns that Quinn and Nora helped them with. Shelby even brought one of those huge foam hands that they take turns waving. Nora is amazing. Leah already knew that and has come to treasure her friendship with her. But she is also wicked smart. She is blowing the other team away so completely that it’d be embarrassing if they weren’t here to cheer for the winning side. That’s when she realizes that they are actually the only ones in attendance besides a few random parents from the other school.

She’s glad they didn’t revert to insulting the other team. They all decided they were better than that. 

“Hey guys....do you think...maybe we should cheer for the other team, too? They don’t have anyone.”

Martha’s eyes light up. “Like...we cheer for  _ anyone  _ who gets a point.” 

“Yes!” Toni agrees excitedly. “But extra loud for Nora though.”

“Of course, we’re not barbarians.” Shelby teases and Toni shoves her playfully.

And Leah watches. She watches Shelby blush. She watches how the move made them sit a little bit closer and how neither moved away after. She watches how even though Toni is currently paying attention to the host as he reads off the next question, Shelby is smiling and keeps cutting glances at her.

She jumps when she feels an elbow in her stomach and growls at Fatin.

“Be less obvious about your stalking.”

Leah rolls her eyes and whispers. “You really think I’ll be noticed when Toni’s around?” 

“Fair point.” Fatin grins. “Proceed.”

The question is about fish and Leah grins because she knows Nora will know the answer. And she does. Their whole row gets up and cheers for her. 

The next question, when the other time answers it correctly, they clap and cheer for them as well. The other team seems to gain confidence after that, and starts to do better. They don’t appear as nervous. And as the score gets a bit closer, their excitement as spectators grows.

“Seriously? Why is this not more popular? This is amazing.” Jeanette comments from somewhere down the row and Leah nods in agreement.

When the competition is done and their team wins, they rush to the front of the stage and ask to get pictures of both teams. The other team looks so excited as if they were the ones who just won. Nora beams with pride, and Quinn looks at them with amazement. They all snap several pictures. They have one of the other teams’ parents take a picture of all of them together. Then they focus on their team. They get in a few shots with the whole team. Then with just Nora and Quinn. Then they get out and let the team have their well deserved glory.

“Okay. Focus on me now.” Shelby says. “I’m making sure that this one makes it in the year book.”

Leah is sure that some of them have never smiled so widely. She’s genuinely happy for them. Afterwards, a few of them come up to them.

“Thanks for coming, we’ve never had an audience before.” A boy says.

“You’re Nora’s friends...from the club she’s in?” A girl asks and Leah notices that Shelby squirms a little.

She feels bad for her, now that she understands how much Shelby risks losing by just hanging out with them. She’s heard about her dad and her heart breaks for her friend. To be so terrified of who you are--she’s never been more grateful for her own parents. 

“Yes. But we’re also...just her friends.” Shelby responds despite her discomfort.

“Would it be okay...can I join?” The other girl questions.

“Of course!” Shelby says happily.

“I want to as well.” The boy tells them.

They go out for a celebration dinner where they buy the whole team their favorite flavor of milkshake. Leah takes several candids of the group. Then takes a few posed ones. She takes a selfie with Fatin who is sitting beside her. And then leans across the table and poses with Toni, Shelby and Dot. She takes a beautiful candid of Rachel and Nora whispering happily together. And then asks them to pose for her. She also takes a separate one of Quinn and Nora. She doesn’t remember being this present in her own life before. Ever. And yes, she’s viewing it through the camera lens on her phone, but she wants to have proof that she existed. That she lived. That she matters to these people.

Fatin taps her shoulder and leans in toward her to whisper. “Hey, can I see some of those?”

Leah grins and hands her the phone. “Sure.”

Fatin immediately presses a few buttons and frowns. “You saved me as Fatin.”

Leah rolls her eyes and grabs her phone. “I can’t believe you played me! You sneaky fuck.”

Fatin grins a little, but still looks sad. “Just Fatin? No exclamation point or emoji or anything?”

Leah sighs. “When I was...obsessed with Jeff. I saved him as ‘Spam Risk’ so that if anyone ever saw my phone, they wouldn’t know.”

Fatin looks at her with respect. “That’s brilliant actually.”

“Not really. I never actually memorized his number so whenever I got a call saying Spam Risk, I answered it and I was disappointed more times than not.”

Fatin laughs so loudly and dramatically, that Leah is scared she’ll tip over. She rests a hand across her back to steady her and Fatin stops laughing immediately. 

“After everything that happened with him, I decided that I just wanted to use people’s actual names. If someone is important enough to me that I want their number, I want to use their name. No more secrets. No more lies.”

Fatin stares at her for a few seconds and looks away. Then she looks at her again.

“That is acceptable.”

Leah removes her hand from Fatin’s back and slaps her playfully. Fatin laughs.

“But seriously, I’m sorry I peaked. That was actually none of my business.”

“You need to show me yours now.”

“Nope. You’ll have to find a way to outsmart me.”

Leah narrows her eyes at her and smirks. “Challenge accepted.”

“Can you send me the pictures though? I really did want to see them.”

“Yeah, I’ll send them all.”

Leah is quiet on the rest of the way back home. She’s thinking about what she told Fatin about Jeff. She starts thinking about him again. About them. But not in the dreamy way like she used to. Now it’s the nightmarish way. It makes her stomach hurt. She doesn’t know if it’s from the memories, all the lies she had to tell, or the reality of the whole situation. She starts to dwell on it. Wondering if she’ll ever be ready to really talk about it. To tell her parents. They have been amazing and she feels like she owes them. That she can trust them to believe her.

But that’s sort of what terrifies her. If they believe her, then they may want to go after Jeff and that means lawyers and cops and retelling her story over and over. If they don’t believe her--that’s worse though. She doesn’t know what she wants, but she knows that the secrets are eating her alive.

“You okay?” Fatin asks softly.

Leah nods and then realizes they’re parked. She looks around and sees that Dot has already been dropped off and that she’s home. How long were they sitting in her driveway?

“I was thinking...about Jeff.”

“Oh.”

“Not in the I’m still in love with him way.”

“I didn’t think that. I know...I know what you realized and I thought...I was worried that you were hurting.”

“Oh.”

Fatin smiles at that, so she does too.

“I was thinking about whether or not to tell my parents.”

“You don’t need to do anything until you’re ready.”

“That’s the thing. I think I am. Ready to tell them...not ready to do anything about it. I don’t know if I will be.”

She hates that she’s in a downward spiral now. About what it means to keep quiet. To let him get away with it. She worries if he’s praying on someone else now in a different state and without any real consequences. She wonders if there had been people before her. Part of her wants to hate them if it’s true. To hate that their not coming forward means she suffered too. But she knows better than that. She knows he’s the villain here, not her. She thinks about Martha. How being forced to do something before your ready hurts too. It can make you defend the man who destroyed your life. And she doesn’t want that either. It’s then that she realizes what she needs to do. What she needs to say. And who she needs to say it to.

“I’m going to tell them now.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “I can be there with you...if you need me to be.”

Her heart melts at that. At the simple kindness that means more than Fatin could ever understand.

“I need to do this alone. But I’ll text you after.”

Fatin nods. She touches her knee and squeezes gently. “You’re brave. And stronger than you know.” She leans in and stares at her. “And even then...it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be vulnerable. You be whatever you need to be...but be easy on yourself. Forgiving. Okay?”

And now she  _ was  _ crying. “Okay.”

“Shit. That was meant to be a pep talk. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Shelby is probably infinitely better at this than me. Or Martha.”

Leah laughs and wipes at her eyes. “I plan to talk to Martha next. It’s important.”

Fatin’s eyes shimmer and Leah thinks she gets it. Or is trying to.

“Can I hug you?” Fatin asks shyly.

Leah nods and lets Fatin hold her.

Twenty minutes later, she slowly marches into her house feeling like a prisoner sent to the gallows. Her mom greets her happily and asks about her day only to stop talking immediately when she sees Leah’s tear-stained cheeks and red, puffy eyes.

“Honey, what happened?” She rushes to her and envelopes her in a hug and Leah breaks down again. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? I’m scared.”

“So am I.” Leah admits. “I’m scared you’ll hate me...or worse, be disappointed.”

Her mom steps away slightly but is holding her shoulders with both hands. “I could never hate you and...how is being disappointed worse?”

Leah lets out a wet, blubbery laugh. “I don’t know. It just is.”

Her mom leads her to the couch in the living room and quickly makes her a mug of hot chocolate. Leah holds the warmth in her hands and watches, mesmerized, as the marshmallows melt before her eyes. She watches the steam rise and inhales the smooth, chocolatey aroma deeply. When she exhales, it’s slowly and with determination. She can’t look at her mom when she talks, and she does so with an emotionless, monotone. Not because she doesn’t feel, but because she feels too deeply. 

“This summer...all the sneaking around and the lies...I didn’t have a secret girlfriend. I was in a relationship with an older man. And...I thought I loved him. I...but…” She closes her eyes and takes another calming breath.

She tells her everything. And she apologizes for lying. She tells her what she realized and that she knows the severity of the situation. She explains how the realization came to be and how she’s been processing it the last few months alone, through journaling and now with friends. She doesn’t tell her that she only talked to her friends about it that first time and then now with Fatin. She wants her mom to know she isn’t alone. That she’ll be okay this time. No downward spiral of depression that had them so worried about her that they assumed she was living in the closet and accidentally outed her. She does tell her about that day at school and how, because of it, she has the best friends anyone could ever ask for. And she knows it’s cliche, but part of her really wouldn’t change any of it because it did get her to where she is now. She just wishes she had gotten here without the predatory relationship, statutory rape, heartbreak, and months of depression.

Her mom listens to it all, cries with her, holds her and repeats that she loves her and is  _ not  _ disappointed in her.

“My heart is broken that you’re hurting, but honey, this doesn’t change anything except now...now I feel like I understand. I see you. And you’re beautiful and strong and brave and so, so wise and I’m so proud of you.”

“How can you be proud?”

“Because you survived. You made it. That bastard didn’t take the parts of you that mattered.” She holds Leah’s face in her hands. “You’re not broken, Leah. Not the way you think. You’re...what’s that song you’ve been praying on repeat? It goes something like…’the cracks in your skin let the light in.’”

“It’s from  _ Icon For Hire. _ ” Leah nods and adds. “There’s also...there’s a chorus to a song that says…’ I will not bend until I break. How much can one bruised body take? Just not enough to silence me. You're only a memory. I'll scream these words 'til they come true. Then I will think no more of you. Look back on what I'm going through. This isn't my identity.’ I’ve sort of been playing it on repeat.”

“I’ve noticed. I actually added them to a Spotify playlist for my workouts. They're good.” 

Leah laughs at that. Because that was proof nothing has changed between them even if everything has changed around them.

“What are we going to do now?” Leah asks. “I’m not ready to press charges or anything.”

“We’ll wait for you to be ready. If or when that is. My focus is on you, honey.”

“Are you sure that’s okay? If I’m  _ not  _ ready.”

“It happened to  _ you.  _ No one else gets to tell you how you should react.”

Leah swallows the lump in her throat; she doesn’t want to cry again because she’s scared she'll never stop.

“And Dad? I don’t think I can tell him...will you?” 

“I will, if you’re sure.”

“I am.”

They sit in silence for a little while. “I want to go to Martha’s tomorrow. I want to talk to her. About all of it. You could...you could tell him then.”

Her mom nods. 

A little while later, Leah texts Fatin telling her that she finished the talk and it went better than expected. She is believed  _ and  _ isn’t being forced to do something she isn’t ready for. Fatin sends back several emojis, a couple of hugging gifs that made her cry and some memes that made her laugh. She also says she is proud, and that is what matters most. She is exhausted and a bit restless but still sleeps better than she did the last few nights.

The next morning, her mom makes her chocolate chip pancakes (her favorite as a kid, and even now, since she’s being honest. Honesty is now her thing). Her dad is on the front porch with his coffee reading the newspaper.

“I was thinking about something...if this was the secret...then...you’re not actually gay?” Her mom asks when she sits down to join her for breakfast.

Leah laughs loudly. “I  _ am  _ actually gay. Bisexual, to be exact. I just didn’t figure it out until recently.” She watches as her mom seems to take it in and then when she smirks and opens her mouth to reply, Leah adds, “Toni still isn’t my girlfriend. She’s the first friend I ever had. I would probably say my best friend, but Fatin is pretty close too.”

“Well, they’re both wonderful girls. And that Shelby is quite the looker…”

Leah spits out her chocolate milk. How was it that even her  _ mom  _ knew Shelby wasn’t straight? 

It was mid-afternoon before she made her way over to Martha’s. She didn’t bother texting first because she didn’t want to say what she needed to say in a text. And she didn’t know how else to explain why she was coming over.

Toni is outside shooting hoops when she pulls in the driveway.

“Hey you. What’s up?” She asks when she rebounds the ball.

“Came by to talk to you and Martha. Is she here?” Leah greets her with a smile.

“She’s got her dance practice. Her performance is coming up soon so she’s been dancing as much as she can fit in.”

Leah knows that Toni’s been staying with Martha ever since the incident. She wonders if Toni ever feels like she’s burdening them...which she shouldn’t, but knowing Toni, she would think something like that. Like she is simply a guest. She wonders if Toni ever needs a break, but has nowhere else to run away to. Usually, she’d come here for the break from life. If she’s already living here, what does she do?

“How long will she be?” Leah asks instead of any of the questions actually on her mind.

“About twenty minutes probably. Maybe longer if she feels like she got stuck on something. She doesn’t see how good she is. You’re coming right?”

“Of course. We’ve all been planning on it. Sort of a surprise. I didn’t realize it was also a surprise from you.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “You all just thought I’d blow the surprise. Let me guess, Rachel remembered the  _ one  _ time I spoiled Santa for them.”

“And the tooth fairy. And the Easter Bunny.”

Toni rolls her eyes and then anxiously spins the basketball around her finger. “I didn’t know I was spoiling it for them. All the kids were talking about the gifts they got from Santa. And I didn’t get any...so it was either believe that I wasn’t good enough to deserve Santa...or that there wasn’t one. I asked my mom and she told me. So I told them. I thought they should know that they were being lied to.” She frowns and looks at Leah. “I hate liars. I need consistency and stability.”

“That makes sense. I don’t think they realized that’s why you told them. I guess Nora told Shelby a bunch of stories about all of you and...you should tell them.”

“I don’t need their pity.”

“They’re your friends. It won’t be pity.” She steps closer to her and reaches out to touch her lightly on the hand and Toni lets the ball fall to the ground. “We just want to know you.  _ All _ of you. And they deserve to see the wonderful parts of you that you always let Martha see and you sometimes let me see.”

Toni looks at her with watery eyes and nods. 

“Can I...Can I hug you?” Leah asks.

“Yes...please.” Toni sounds so broken and vulnerable that Leah holds on to her for dear life.

”You’re always welcome to stay at my house for awhile, if you ever want to.” Her eyes light up. “You should stay overnight after your first game...next Friday. It’d be a fun way to celebrate and I’ve never had a friend stay over before. I mean...planned.”

Toni grins at her. “Your first sleepover. This is exciting. Martha will want to bring snacks and Shelby will have all kinds of party games....if she can find a way to even come.”

“I was thinking...just us for now. You’re the first friend I ever had and this seems special. I think it would be nice...I know Martha’s your best friend...but you’re mine. Or I’d like you to be. It’s just...you have Martha and Fatin has Dot...”

“Martha’s my person. It’s different. And Dot and Fatin aren’t best friends, they’re queer platonic soulmates.”

Leah raises an eyebrow. “Is that a thing? Is this something else you need to add to the list for my queer education?”

Toni laughs. “They’re each other’s people, too. Like me and Martha. Family.”

“So what I’m hearing is that you have a best friend spot open…”

“I mean...Regan applied this morning…”

Leah laughs at her and shoves her. Hard. And Toni smirks at her.

“I withdraw my application.”

Toni rolls her eyes and smiles at her. They sit outside on the ground passing the basketball back and forth and sharing secret for secret as they do.

“I swear! It’s true!” Leah laughs when Toni doesn’t believe her about the time she got her tongue pierced but was so worried about getting in trouble that she took it out as soon as she got home. 

Their laughter calms and they fall into a comfortable silence. That’s where Martha finds them.

She’s dressed beautifully in her Jingle Dress. Leah thinks she’s beautiful. Inside and out. Toni too. 

“How was practice?” Leah asks.

“Good. I’m competing with the adults this year instead of teens, so I’m a bit stressed out.”

“Please, you’re the best one there by a mile.” Toni tells her and Martha smiles at her.

“I’m going to change out of this and then will join you in staring at each other or whatever it was you were doing that looked  _ so _ fun.”

“You’re not allowed to hang out with Fatin or Dot anymore if they continue to teach you sarcasm!” Toni calls after her as she flips her off and Leah stretches out across the grass and flutters her arms and legs like she’s making a snow angel.

“You’re weird.” Toni says, but she’s looking at her with a smile and kind eyes.

“Thank you. I learned to be from my best friend.”

“Ha!” Toni yells, but now she’s lying in the grass too. Doing the same thing.

“You’re weird.” Martha tells them five minutes later when she joins them.

“Leah started it.” Toni whines.

Leah laughs and so does Toni. 

They talk about nonsense for a while until Leah gains the courage to tell them about her conversation with her mom last night. They are both so proud of her. Martha commends her for her courage and re-iterates that it’s okay that she isn’t ready for more yet. Toni is holding her hand the whole way through the conversation and she’s grateful for the lifeline. The connection. The friend. Her  _ best  _ friend.

“You don’t think I’m a coward?” She looks at Martha directly.

“Of course not.”

“You don’t blame me for letting it happen?”

Toni squeezes her hand and Leah realizes she caught on to what she is up to.

“No! It’s him. He did this.” Martha says forcefully.

“You don’t think I’m broken or unlovable?”

“Leah...come on, you’re one of my favorite people. You’re amazing.” Martha tells her earnestly.

Leah lets the silence linger. “That is absolutely how Toni and I and all our friends feel about you. All of it.”

Martha’s eyes widen and then her chin starts to quiver and then she’s crying as she’s smiling.

“I...I get it. I heard it that time.” Martha admits. “How can it be different for me than it is for you?”

“Exactly.” Leah tells her. “When I was in my own head and on a downward spiral...I was thinking all these horrible things and then I remembered what you said. And how you felt...and I remember how wrong I thought it was...when you blamed yourself. And that’s when I knew. You helped me and didn’t even know it. Maybe you weren’t strong enough for the others...but you were strong enough for me.”

“Hug?” Toni asks with tears in her eyes as well.

They share a group hug and Leah feels Toni’s lips brush against her ear as she whispers a very quiet, “Thank you.”

And for all the times the last two days that people told her they were proud of her, this is the most proud she’s ever felt. Because she can see it in Martha’s eyes. The lightness. The relief. The healing. And she knows she helped with that. Just as Martha helped her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for how incredibly supportive and kind you have been in regards to this story so far. I appreciate beyond words.   
> This chapter features the TW mentions of rape/abuse. It features Jeanette and Toni's POVs and next chapter will have Fatin's and Rachel's. This scene from Jeanette's POV is one of the whole reasons I wrote this story. I've been excited to write it and I hope you all enjoy it!

Jeanette is the first to arrive at the empty classroom at the end of the day for their weekly club meeting. This hour with these people has become the best part of her week. She’s never met anyone like them before and she trusts them with her life. Her truth. Which is why, today, she thinks she might come clean. She might be brave enough to be honest with them. They deserve it. 

Regan arrives next and is carrying a tote full of stuff so Jeanette greets her and offers to help.

“I got this, but if you could help arrange the desks that'd be awesome.”

They get to work and chat a bit.

“So...what’d you bring?”

“I made buttons for anyone who wants them. Some have pronouns. Some have our hug preferences on them. And others are labels or flags.”

“That’s really cool.”

“I hope everyone likes them. I spent the last two weekends on them.”

Jeanette smiles at her as they finish up with the desks. “I’m sure they will. I’ll take one for sure.”

Regan beams brightly and opens the tote to show Jeanette the buttons.

“I feel like...I’m so lucky they’ve been so great to me. After I broke Toni’s heart this summer, I was sure I’d lose Martha. Or that when this club was created, that I wouldn’t be accepted.” She runs her hands through the buttons. “This is a little penance, I suppose. I can be accepting of others even if I have a hard time accepting myself.”

“Regan…”

“No it’s fine. You don’t have to say anything and I shouldn’t have mentioned it. It’s just...they’re all so close and I’m happy for them. Toni deserves to have so much and I want that for her. But…” She sighs. “I broke up with her and I had my reasons, and I...I don’t regret it. But also...I think...a part of me hoped that she would fight as hard for  _ us  _ as she always fought for everything else. And it hurts that she just...accepted it and moved on.”

“You should talk to her. Clear the air.”

“I...I should. If for any other reason than to let us both move on.”

And speak of the devil, Toni, Martha and Leah walk in. Toni’s got her arm around Leah’s shoulders and they’re laughing while Martha is shaking her head and rolling her eyes at them. Jeanette glances at Regan and sees her force a smile.

“Hey…” Regan says and Martha lights up and smiles at her.

“Hey! Are those the buttons you were working on? I’m so excited for them.” She rushes toward them and shuffles through them before settling on a Space Ace one and one that says ‘I love Hugs.’ She immediately puts them on.

Toni and Leah look through them as Jeanette attaches her own ‘Ask First’ Hugs button on her jacket. She can’t help feeling how appropriate it is.

Toni grabs a Lesbian flag and Leah grabs a Bisexual one. And they both grab the same Hugs button that Jeanette did. They quickly put them on and Jeanette sees Regan grin with pride. They liked them. Which to Regan was probably akin to forgiveness.

A few others trickle in--Nora, Quinn and their friends from Quiz Bowl, McKenna and Oliver. 

“Where did you get those?” Nora asks as she notices what everyone is wearing.

“Regan made them.” Toni answers proudly and points at the tote full of them.

As most everyone makes it into the room, they all happily greet each other and thank Regan for the buttons. Jeanette scans the ones everyone is wearing. It turns out that most of the people in the group are more than just allies, they are members of the LGBT+ community in some way or another or have multiple identities, which Jeanette figures makes sense for this particular club. From the look of things, only Oliver, Quinn, Shelby and herself don’t have any kinds of flags or identifying labels. And Regan either, but Jeanette now knows that she’s just not ready to be out yet. She looks at those remaining--Oliver, Quinn and Shelby--and wonders if the same is true for any of them. 

Rachel interrupts everyone’s light laughter when she storms into the room and tosses a desk on the ground angrily.

“Woah, Rachel...what’s wrong?” Nora asks quietly, as she slowly approaches while remaining a safe distance from her sister.

Rachel screams and tosses another chair and people are becoming uneasy. Toni rushes toward her and grabs her...firmly, but with care. 

“Hey…” Toni is talking quietly to her. “Whatever it is...it isn’t worth hurting anyone here. You care too much about them for that.”

Rachel growls and then collapses into Toni’s arms and hugs her fiercely. Quinn and Nora pick up the turned over desks.

“Sorry.” Rachel mumbles.

Toni is rocking her and she’s whispering things to her that Jeanette and the others can’t hear, but it seems to work and Rachel calms down slowly. Since Rachel and Toni are sitting on the floor, everyone else sits and circles them. It turns out the desks that Jeanette and Regan so carefully arranged were unnecessary today.

“What happened?” Shelby asks softly.

“Coach...she cut me from the team.”

“What?!” Fatin yells. “Fuck her.” She stands up. “Come on Toni, let’s kick her ass.”

Rachel laughs through her tears. Toni tugs Fatin back down.

“Sit down.” Toni huffs. “And you all think I’m the hothead.”

“We wouldn’t dare say that about you now. We know you’re too soft.” Leah teases.

“Yeah, I’m really proud of you for how far you’ve come.” Regan tells Toni and smiles when Toni acknowledges her with a brief nod. “But...apart from siccing Toni and Fatin on your coach, Rachel, is there anything you can do to change her mind?”

Rachel shakes her head. “I spent the last several weeks trying to change it. She mentioned it at the beginning of the year...said I had to make some improvements. But I couldn’t make them. She’s right...I grew up. I’m too tall...and...developed for this sport.”

“What does that even mean?” Shelby wonders.

“Breasts. I have breasts.” Rachel says, staring at Shelby with a raised eyebrow.

Shelby blushes. “Oh. Right.”

“That’s still bullshit.” Dot replies.

“It is...but...I can’t compete adequately against people who are built for this sport. I can be the most technical...the most dedicated....and train the most...but that doesn’t mean it will help me win, not in this case.”

“I’m sorry, Rachel.” Nora tells her sister and scoots closer to her. “I know what this means to you.”

Rachel sighs. “It was my life. It was the only thing I was good at. The only thing that made our parents see me...love me. It was everything....until it wasn’t.”

The group stares at her in confusion.

Rachel rolls her eyes. “ _ You, _ idiots. I was talking about you. You are my life...you are the people who see me and love me. I love diving, it will always be a part of me. And I  _ hate  _ that she cut me my senior year instead of just letting me play. But diving isn’t everything anymore.” She’s quiet for a minute before adding, “I still need to punch something. I’m so angry.”

“Come to Martha’s after this. I have a punching bag.” Toni suggests.

Rachel shakes her head. “You have basketball practice.”

“I can skip it.”

“Your first game is Friday and you want to make captain. I’m not letting my broken dreams affect yours.”

“Fine. Come after practice. Okay?” Toni asks hopefully.

“Okay.”

Nora stands up and rushes to the tote filled with buttons before grabbing one and handing it to her sister. Rachel looks at the ‘Ask First’ Hugs button and smiles before putting it on.

“Who made these?” She wonders.

“I did.” Regan answers shyly.

Rachel nods and looks around the room at what everyone else is wearing. “Do you have an aromantic one?” She glances toward Nora. “I’ve been studying those flashcards you made me and I’m pretty sure that I’m Aro. Full Aro...no dating. At all. Ever.”

Regan looks through the buttons and hands her one with an arrow overlaying the aromantic flag.

“Ohh, I love this.” Rachel says with a smile.

“Just not in the romantic way.” Quinn corrects.

Rachel looks at him and smiles even wider. “Right. Exactly.”

He smiles back.

“So...if we’re doing confessions here…” Toni squirms awkwardly. “There’s something I wanted to apologize for. Rachel, Nora, Fatin and Martha...I am so sorry I ruined Santa for you.”

A couple people in the group laugh.

“And the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.” Nora amends and Toni nods in agreement.

“You all were talking about the presents Santa and your parents got you...and...I didn’t get any presents that year. My mom was on another bender and forgot it was Christmas...again. Part of me was jealous, but the other part didn’t understand what I didn’t get any. So when I asked my mom, she said that there was no Santa. So I told you guys. I didn’t mean to ruin Christmas for you...I just, I grew up with an addict. I don’t like lying. I hate it.”

“You did the right thing, Toni. Lying is wrong.” Quinn tells her.

Rachel hugs Toni tighter and Fatin throws herself on the two of them. Martha wipes at her eyes, as does Shelby. Leah smiles at them proudly and pats Toni on the back in support. Eventually, Fatin just settles into Toni and sits between her legs. Toni wraps her arms around her and rests her head on Fatin’s back. Jeanette glances at Regan for any signs of jealousy and sees none. She’s confused when she sees something similar to it on Shelby’s face though.

They all sit in a comfortable silence until Dot speaks.

“My confession...it’s weird to grieve a parent who’s still alive. But as I watch my dad get worse and worse...I...I’ve been grieving for a year. Thinking about all I will miss without him. Thinking of all we’re missing out on together now...just because he’s too sick to do it anymore. It sucks having the complete responsibility as caregiver...but also, I treasure the time we have even if it’s emotionally draining and exhausting sometimes. Like, I don’t resent him and how much I have to do for him...but I am so stressed by the situation. And trying to make ends meet with bills and such. Just all of it. And yet...I know that when he does pass...that I will hate myself for ever complaining about it.”

Fatin wiggles her fingers and Dot crawls over to her and rests her head in Fatin’s lap. The scene is so beautiful. So raw. Jeanette knows that now is the time to share her truth. As she watches her friends descend upon Dot and give them hugs and let them know that they are here. That they care, she tries to formulate the courage for her confession.

But before she does, Shelby begins.

She opens her mouth and removes a mouth piece and smiles at them. She reveals two missing teeth before quickly putting the mouth piece back in.

“I’ve been a fraud and a...liar.” She’s looking at Toni. “I know you hate liars and I hope you can forgive me.” She redirects her attention to the floor as she nervously wipes her hands on her jeans. “My whole life I’ve hidden who I am. Scared of what it will mean. Scared of not being loved or accepted. I...hated so much of myself for so long that I tried to become what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. And I’m sick of it. Sick of hating myself...sick of...I…” She steadies her breathing and looks like she’s about to say more before thinking better of it. 

There is a brief silence in the room, until Toni breaks it.

“Don’t hate what you are...what you are is beautiful.” Toni tells Shelby sincerely and firmly and Shelby looks at her in surprise, with tears in her eyes.

She swallows audibly. “Thank you.” She smirks. “For quoting Warrior Nun to me in my time of need.”

Toni laughs and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well, it doesn’t make it any less true.”

Jeanette takes a deep breath...and then exhales deeply. Slowly. Shakily. And she starts speaking, in her natural Australian accent.

“I need to make a confession of my own.”

“Oh...fuck. You...you’re Australian?” Dot asks with wide eyes.

She nods. “Last year...I was drugged and raped at a party. They filmed it and passed it around school. And...things only got worse when I tried pressing charges because I was called all kinds of things. And the girls were the worst of all. The things they said about me. The lies they spread…”

She jumps a bit as Regan scoots closer to her, but then nods and let’s Regan reach for her hand and hold it. She needs it for the strength to continue.

“We eventually moved here and...I wanted to blend in, be invisible. I masked my accent because I didn’t want to stand out more than a new senior transfer already would. I pretended to be shallow so I wouldn’t have to let people in...because I didn’t trust anyone. I over-exaggerated my personality so that I could be overbearing and sometimes maybe even annoying so that I would not be seen as desirable. I didn’t want attention from guys. And I didn’t want to pose a threat to girls...so I...like Shelby, pretended to be someone that I’m not.”

They are all listening intently. Smiling at her encouragingly. And it gives her the strength to continue.

“But then...I saw Toni and Fatin and some of you defend Shelby openly against guys who were harassing her. I saw how quickly you accepted Nora and then Quinn. I watched as you continuously lift each other up...and not even just your friends. We cheered for the opposing team at Quiz Bowl for fuck’s sake! Who does that?!” She laughs genuinely. “You make me trust you. You make me want to show you who I am. The real me. And...you make me want to be better. I  _ hated  _ men after what happened. But Quinn and Oliver...you guys are pure and amazing and I adore you. I hated popular girls for what they said about me. But Shelby and Toni and Fatin...you continue to amaze me. I hated myself for what I let happen...but you all have given me courage and strength and showed me the true empowerment of self-love. You changed me. In all the best ways. And...I want to be remembered by you for who I am--not who I pretended to be.” She looks directly at Toni. “I hope you will forgive me as well. I never meant to hurt you by lying.”

Toni dislodges herself from Fatin and walks around the circle. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

Jeanette laughs and nods. “Of course.”

And Toni gives the best hugs. She is strong and gentle both. Jeanette feels safe and cared for all at once. When Toni lets go, she shuffles over to Shelby and parts her arms.

Shelby shakes her head. “Stand up first. I want a proper hug.”

Toni laughs and does as she is told with a salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

Shelby leaps into Toni’s embrace and holds on to her as if her life depends on it. And Jeanette smiles at them. She looks around at the others. Her people. She understands what Rachel said before about these people being her life. Because she feels the same way.

“I am a survivor as well.” Leah says softly.

Martha, who is leaning against her adds, “So am I.”

“Me too.” Oliver admits in a way that makes Jeanette truly see him for the first time. 

She sees his shyness that is slowly turning to confidence and self-acceptance as he’s surrounded my friends. By people who see him. By people whose very presence heals him.

That gets everyone talking excitedly about everything they can think of. More random confessions. More ridiculous secrets. More laughter and even some more tears. Shelby and Toni eventually sit back down, and participate in the banter. But Jeanette notices Shelby’s hand resting on Toni’s knee and the soft smile on her face, and realizes that someday there may be another confession from Shelby’s in the future.

“Oh...I almost forgot. My given name is actually Lihn...but...my chosen name is Jeanette.”

  
  


XXXXXX

  
  


Rachel and Nora are already at Martha’s when Toni walks home from practice. They are talking and laughing together just like old times and it makes Toni smile.

“Hey, I could have given you a ride. I didn’t realize.” Rachel tells her.

Toni shrugs. “Martha usually does but she’s been practicing herself, so I forgot to make plans for rides for the week.” 

Rachel nods in understanding.

Besides, Toni appreciated the time to clear her head. She had a lot to think about after the club meeting confessional. When she saw how scared people were of Rachel’s outburst, Toni realized how much she must have scared people and it made her feel even worse about her outbursts. She’s already apologized to Martha for them. But she now knows she owes Regan a real apology as well.

Toni also thought about Regan. How much less her heart breaks looking at her. How they really are better as friends. How she doesn’t feel any ill will toward her. She’s proud of herself for her growth. Not just in being able to understand and control and interpret her many emotions, but also being a better friend. A better person. That’s all she wants. To deserve them. To not be pitied or feel like a burden. She never felt like that with Martha or Mrs. Blackburn, but it’s been hard to not feel like that around everyone else in her life. To wait for them to get sick of her. To leave.

Even Principal Klein seems to treat her differently than other people. She treats her like she’s volatile and will burn the school down if not properly contained. Or worse, she treats her like she’ll break. And Coach only ever put up with all her shit because Toni was a star who delivered the team Championships.

Toni wordlessly leads Rachel to the barn and hands her some wraps and boxing gloves; while Martha and Nora retire to the house.

“So...this is why you’ve been enviably calm.” Rachel says with a raised eyebrow. “Sort of makes it less impressive when you reveal the truth behind the magic.”

Toni laughs and shakes her head. “Truthfully, I haven’t needed to use it lately.” She sighs and works on wrapping her own hands. “So...I was going to wait to share this with the group when it becomes official...but…” She smiles so widely that Rachel smiles too. “Mrs. Blackburn is going to officially adopt me. I know that I’ll be eighteen soon, but she doesn’t want me to have to spend any more time going through the system. And plus, she’s been wanting to for ages but I kept resisting. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to, but she assured me that it was never out of obligation, only love. So soon, Martha and I will officially be sisters and I will finally have a real family. One that loves me and wants me.” She looks down shyly. “I didn’t want to say anything until it was closer to happening; I didn't want to jinx it or anything. But my birthday is in a few months and Mrs. Blackburn...mom.” She smiles proudly with love and adoration. “She wants it to be official before then so she’s doing everything she can to rush it. She doesn’t want me to age out of the system. She wants me to legally be family, not just honorarily.”

Rachel stares at her and has tears in her eyes. “Toni...that’s amazing. And perfect. And everything you deserve. I’m so happy for you.” She steps awkwardly toward her with her arms extended.

Toni rolls her eyes and laughs. “Yes. Get over here and hug me.”

They hug it out and when Rachel pulls away, she’s shaking her head and laughing.

“Okay, now I no longer feel motivated to punch things.”

Toni smirks. “Would you rather hold hands and sing Kumbaya?”

Rachel punches her shoulder playfully. “Shut up.”

Toni rubs at her offended shoulder. “Well….look at that, you’re cured.”

Toni walks Rachel through the punches and the proper stance and lets her go to town on the bag. A few minutes later, she’s breathing hard and sweating.

“Wow...this is intense.” 

Toni smirks. “You’re intense. Don’t forget to breathe.”

She punches with everything she has. “I just...I need something else to obsess over if I don’t have diving anymore.”

“You’ll find something.” Toni tells her.

Rachel switches her stance and throws some more intense punches. “I hate that she waited to cut me senior year if she knew I didn’t have what it takes before. Why let me waste my life? My time. My passion.”

The intensity increases and Toni watches her get it all out.

“I hate that the only time my parents noticed me was when I excelled at it. When I stopped winning competitions, it felt like they stopped loving me again.”

Toni lets her vent.

“Most of all...I hate that I spent so much time on it...to lose it in the end anyway. And because I was obsessed...I lost Nora, and you and Martha and Fatin.”

Toni swallows thickly and listens.

“I hate it. I hate that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. I hate that...I hate…” She punches and punches and punches and then collapses again and cries.

Toni takes off her own gloves and then rushes to her, holding her again--like she did at school. And Rachel holds her just as tightly.

“I hate everything. And yet...I’m also happy. And I don’t know how to handle both of those things at once. I’m actually happy that it’s over. No more hurting myself to try to be like the other girls. No more missing out on Nora’s life. I’m actually happy that I have more time for all of you.”

Toni nods against her because she gets it. The warring emotions. The love and hate. The good and evil. The right and wrong. She loves that she has a family now. She hates that her blood family didn’t want her. 

Eventually, Rachel extracts herself and takes off her gloves. “This was exactly what I needed. Thank you.”

Toni raises an eyebrow. “The crying or the punching?”

“Both, you ass.” Rachel chuckles as she wipes her eyes. “But I was talking about the punching. I actually had fun.”

“You’re welcome anytime. My soon-to-be official home is your home.”

Rachel smiles brightly at her. “I really am happy for you.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” Toni grins as she stands up. “My turn.”

She puts her gloves on and goes hard at the bag. When she’s finished, Rachel whistles impressively.

“Looks like you had your own shit to work through. Want to talk about it?”

Toni sighs and lets her head fall against the punching bag. “I...think...I have a crush on Shelby.”

“What?!”

Toni looks at her and then squeezes her eyes shut. “I know. You don’t have to tell me how awful and cliche it is to be falling for the straight girl. I  _ know _ and I hate myself for it. But I’ve always thought she was cute. I flirted with her a bit last year in between our arguments. But now that I’ve gotten to know her...and after today...how scary that must have been for her to share that…” She sighs loudly, takes her gloves off and tosses them behind her before running her hands through her hair nervously. “I know there’s no chance in hell. And honestly, I’m not even ready for a relationship, so maybe this current fixation is actually...good? God, I don’t know what I’m doing or saying or…”

Rachel studies her carefully and approaches her slowly. “So..Regan? You’re over her?”

Toni nods. “She was right. We’re better as friends. It wasn’t going to work anyway. I want...no, I need someone who will be brave enough to love me. Through all my own shit. Love me enough to fight for me. To stay with me. To be out and proud with me because...because I need to know that I matter enough to be that brave for. I know it’s probably selfish of me…”

“It’s not.” Rachel interrupts fiercely.

Toni takes a deep, steadying breath and stares at Rachel openly. “Do you think anyone will love me that much? Love me at all?”

Rachel swallows back a sob as she holds Toni and lets her cry. If anyone from school could see them now. The two everyone is most terrified of--crying in each other’s arms; it'd be pathetic if it didn’t mean so damn much to her.

“I missed you.” Toni tells her honestly.

Rachel’s wet tears soak her shirt as she replies, “I missed you, too.”

They recover eventually, and just in time for Martha and Nora to arrive with fresh, out of the oven, chocolate chip cookies. Toni’s eyes widen. She grabs one and hums her approval.

“I love you, please marry me.” She mutters as she quickly grabs another.

Nora and Martha laugh.

“Sadly, no luck here, Toni. We’re all straight.” Martha teases.

“Damn it. You girls break my heart.” She says dramatically before glancing at Rachel, who is looking at her sadly. 

The next day after practice, Fatin and Dot are waiting for her.

“What’re you guys doing here?” She asks them.

Fatin shrugs. “Rachel may have mentioned that you need a ride home.”

Toni smirks. “Rachel has a big mouth.”

But she appreciates it. Appreciates them. They go out for dinner together before they drop her off home.

The next day, Jeanette is there. And Oliver and Quinn the next. On Thursday, it’s Shelby.

“Looks like they roped you in as well?” Toni says as she gets in Shelby’s car.

“I couldn’t let the newbies outdo me.”

Toni playfully rolls her eyes. “We couldn’t have that now, could we?”

They ride in silence for a little while until Toni gets up the courage to speak again.

“So...the others also bought me dinner.” She tries to be nonchalant. It was true. She isn’t a liar. But she also kind of wants this to be more than that.

“Is that so?” Shelby stares at her briefly and smiles. “Like I said, I can’t have them showing me up.”

They chat about school and the upcoming game as they approach the restaurant.

“We can just drive through. I don’t...I know it might be bad for you to be seen with me.” Toni tells her honestly. She understands. She really does.

“Toni, I’m not ashamed of you. I never was.” Shelby tells her with a sigh.

“I know...I didn’t mean that. I just meant...in case word got to your dad that you were hanging out with openly queer kids. I was just looking out for you.”

Shelby swallows. “I appreciate that.” She closes her eyes and exhales. “But screw him. You’re my friend and I can have dinner with you if I want to. I won’t hide that.”

Toni can’t look away. It’s refreshing to see Shelby stand up for herself. To really start to grow and evolve. But also, homophobia is real and she doesn’t want Shelby to be put in danger because of her.

“How about we order food and then go to the park? If it’s busy we can sit in the car, otherwise we can eat outside on a picnic table.”

Shelby smiles at her. “Sounds perfect.”

And that’s what they do. They eat outside and enjoy each other’s company.

“It’s genetic.” Shelby says out of nowhere. “The teeth thing. In case you were wondering.”

Toni nods. “Thank you for telling me. I meant to say it then...how proud I was for your bravery.”

Shelby doesn’t respond as she carefully takes another bite.

“I keep thinking how much time we wasted.” Toni says into the silence. “We were sort of...frenemies last year. Acquaintances in the very least. I’m glad we got to know each other better this year.”

Shelby swallows slowly and takes a sip of her drink, watching Toni. “I agree. I’m glad we’re more than just acquaintances or classmates. I’m glad that you’re more than just Martha’s angry friend.”

Toni laughs and rolls her eyes. “I’m glad that you’re more than Martha’s annoying friend.”

Shelby smirks. “I’m glad you’re more than Martha’s short friend.”

“Hey! That’s below the belt. I call foul.”

Shelby laughs and so does Toni. 

“I’m glad that I’m getting to see the real Shelby, because I happen to think she’s pretty great.” Toni admits and hopes she isn’t crossing any line or making Shelby uncomfortable.

“You’re pretty great too, Toni.”

They get back to more neutral ground when Shelby asks about tomorrow’s game.

“I think we have a great chance of winning, and Coach made me team captain today. So I want to do well in my first game as captain. I’m nervous. But excited too.” 

“Well, we’re all going to be in the front row cheering you on.” Shelby looks conspiratorially. “I shouldn’t be saying anything...but there may be signs. And Dot secured a blow horn. And we...we have face paint.”

Toni’s mouth drops open. “Really? Everyone’s coming?”

Shelby frowns. “Of course we are. Why wouldn’t we? We’re going to your game, then Martha’s dancing competition. And Fatin as a cello concert coming up. It’s what we do. We support each other.”

Toni nods numbly. “Right. Yeah.”

“You don’t look overly happy.”

“I am.” She shakes her head. “Just processing.” She looks at Shelby sincerely. “I have a family now. I thought when the adoption is finalized it’d feel real. I’d get it. But...I had family all along and didn’t realize it.”

Shelby’s eyes widen and her mouth falls open. “Adoption? Why didn’t you say...what’s going on?”

“Martha’s mom. It’s a surprise. I was going to announce it when it’s final so we can celebrate.”

“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you. I can’t wait for the party. You deserve the world.”

And fuck. How is Toni  _ not  _ supposed to crush on her when she says stuff like that? 

_ Straight. Straight. Straight. Straight. _

She creates the mantra in her head. She needs to change the subject like...now.

“So...after the game...I’m staying at Leah’s. She’s having her first ever sleepover and I’m kind of excited because I know I’ve stayed over at Martha’s tons of times over the last several years....but this is sort of like my first sleepover, too. We didn’t have many as kids. We had group slumber parties once or twice where we all camped outside in Fatin’s backyard like we were on Survivor. But this is different and I’m actually excited for it.” She’s rambling so doesn’t notice how Shelby’s smile dims. “I’m even bringing some of Martha’s crafts so we can make friendship bracelets. I thought it would be special for us since it’s a first for both of us.”

She pauses for breath and glances at Shelby. Shelby is playing with her fingers and looks up when she realizes Toni stopped talking.

“That sounds great. I’m happy for both of you.” Shelby says with a smile that doesn’t look natural.

“Did I say something?” Toni wonders. “I...I’m not breaking club rules. Our sleepover isn’t code for sex or anything. She said I’m her best friend. She claimed me.” Toni smiles. “How about you?”

Shelby’s eyebrows sky rocket. “What? What about me?”

Toni rolls her eyes. “Who’s your best friend? I know we’re all friends. But there’s got to be someone you’re closest to.”

Shelby seems to be considering it. “I have different moments with everyone. But probably Martha or Nora a lot.” After a brief pause, she adds in a rush, “I like Leah. She’s wonderful.”

Toni smirks. “So I don’t make your list then? I see how it is.”

Shelby’s eyes widen. “What? Of course you’re important to me. You’re my favorite person.”

She blushes and looks away as soon as she says it and Toni is left with her heart conflicted. It swells with adoration and gratitude...but it’s also breaking.

“You’re pretty alright, too.” Toni is able to push out the words and gets a fry thrown at her in response.

The ride home is tense and uncomfortable so when Shelby parks at Martha’s house, Toni addresses the elephant in the room.

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable before. I don’t know what I did or said, but I never meant to hurt you.” She tells her earnestly. “I know you’re straight. I get it. And if my flirting upset you…”

Shelby’s eyes widen and she looks at her. “Flirting?”

Toni nods. “I’m sorry. I...sometimes, I say things that aren’t taken the right way. Or without thinking it through first. I’ll back off, I know we’re friends and I appreciate your friendship. You mean so much to me. So, please let me know when I go too far. When to stop. Okay?”

“Toni…” Shelby looks conflicted and it breaks Toni’s heart further.

“I get it.” She raises her hands in surrender. “Backing off now.”

Shelby frowns and shakes her head, but Toni is worried about what she might say so she interrupts her by opening the door. 

“Anyway, thanks for the ride and for dinner. See you tomorrow?”

Shelby swallows thickly. “Yeah. Of course. See you tomorrow.”

Toni makes it halfway into the house when her phone alerts her with a text from Shelby.

_ “Don’t back off. Please?” _

She turns around to see Shelby backing out of the driveway and responds with a thumbs up emoji. Then curses herself for her stupidity and lack of game. She spends the rest of the night replaying the conversation and trying to figure out where everything went wrong and how to fix it. She knows she didn’t scare Shelby away--that they’re still friends. But she also wants to make things right between them. Shelby means too much to her not to try to salvage the damage she’s accidentally done.

The next day, she plays the best game of her life as her family--chosen and perfect--cheer her on from the front row. She accomplishes her first ever Triple Double and her coach tells her if she keeps playing like that, she’ll draw in scouts and there could be scholarships and Toni has never allowed herself to want things before...but she’s starting to let herself now. 

At the celebratory dinner, she expects things to be weird between her and Shelby. She expects Shelby to avoid her, but the opposite happens. She sits by her all through dinner, she poses close to Toni for some pictures when Leah takes some. And Toni starts to think maybe she was imagining the awkwardness yesterday. She starts to hope that they’re okay. That she didn’t screw it all up. They all stay out late and she and Leah don’t get back to Leah’s house until barely in time for Leah’s curfew.

As they settle into Leah’s bedroom, after Toni showers off the sweat from the game, Toni drawls out with exaggerated disappointment. “Guess it’s too late to make friendship bracelets  _ and  _ talk about girls.” 

Leah laughs. “If you actually have supplies...we could make friendship bracelets  _ while  _ we talk about girls.”

Toni grins. “Now, see. This is why we’re best friends. You’ve got the brains and I’ve got the beauty and the brawn.”

Leah rolls her eyes. “Why do you get two things? I want the brawn, too.”

Toni laughs out loud. “Only you would prefer to be called strong rather than beautiful.”

The smile falls from Leah’s face. “I’ve been called beautiful before and it didn’t work out so well. I don’t trust words anymore. Or people who are superficial. I want to be more than that.”

Toni stares at her with understanding. “You are. So much more.”

Leah nods appreciatively. “Now...about those bracelets.”

Toni smiles as she gathers the supplies. “I always wanted to do this with Martha...but…” She looks down with shame. “I was scared to have something of my own when I was in the system. When you have something important to you. Something that matters. It sort of makes that thing...or you, a target. Not everywhere. But I was in enough houses to see it.”

Leah stares at her. “So...you have nothing from before? Nothing that was just yours?”

Toni shakes her head. “I didn’t have anything from before worth remembering. The few pictures I had from before...from all of us at birthday parties and sleepovers, I kept them with Martha. They’re still hanging in her room. So I always had them...and that was enough. And the memories were enough.”

Leah nods. “Then this will be just as special for you as it is for me.”

“Maybe more.” She admits.

They work in silence for a while longer. Toni glances at Leah’s work. 

“Hey! How is yours so much better than mine?” She whines.

“Don’t be jealous. This is the one you’ll be warning. I’m the one who has to try and successfully rock that atrocious attempt you have there.”

Toni rolls her eyes and shakes her head even as she’s smiling. She focuses so hard on getting it right that they work in silence until she’s finished. She’s actually happy with the results and beams with pride as soon as Leah puts in on. Leah ties hers for her as well, and Toni admires it with a smile.

“Not too bad.”

Leah smiles. “I like yours, too. It’s perfect.”

“So...girls…?”

“Are pretty?” Leah finishes the statement as a question.

“And soft.” Toni adds and laughs when Leah wrinkles her nose.

“And badass.” 

“Oh, that’s a given.” Toni declares. “Girls are so much better, why are there boys?”

Leah laughs. “Maybe to...make more girls.”

Toni sighs. “I like Shelby.”

Leah’s eyes widen and she chokes on her own saliva. “What?”

“I know I’m an idiot and I know I’m destined to get my heartbroken, again. But...I’m not smart like you or Nora, so I fell head-first into this rabbit hole.”

Leah stares at her. “Wait. You’re serious?”

“About being dumb? Kind of?”

Leah rolls her eyes and kicks at her. “No...about Shelby.”

“Well, yeah.”

“And you think it’s doomed because…”

Toni glares at her. “You don’t have to make me say the words. I know she’s straight. I get it. You don’t have to tease me about it.”

“Oh, Toni. I was’t…” She sighs. “I was just getting clarification. When did you...you know? When did you realize you liked her?”

“I started seeing her differently when she brought me to your house that day after…” She trails off and nervously itches her neck. “I’ve been noticing her. Like how she is with Nora. And Rachel and Martha. She’s even been amazing with Dot. I sound like a stalker, with all the ways I watch her. But she’s...there’s so much to her than what she shows the world.”

“You have no idea….” Leah exhales.

“That’s sort of the point though. I  _ want  _ to learn. I want to see what’s underneath.”

“That’s what she said.”

Toni laughs out loud. “Fatin is a bad influence on you.”

“Fatin is funny. And like Shelby, she’s so much deeper than most people give her credit for.”

Toni nods and studies her before asking as casually as she can, “What about you? Are you interested in anyone?”

Leah shakes her head. “I’m not even looking. I’ve got so much to figure out on my own. I don’t trust myself or my judgment when it comes to falling in love anymore. I…” She licks her lips and looks at Toni imploringly. “Not sure when or if I’ll get there. I hope I do. And when I do, I don’t want to be paranoid about being used or questioning everyone’s motives. I want to be...more myself. Not so much...back to how I was...but better. Different. And I have a long way to go to be ready for anything real like love.”

“I get that.” Toni tugs at Leah’s friendship bracelet and gets her to smile a little. “If or when you do get there...just know...that we will all have your back and that you deserve someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Not someone who will complete you...because you are not broken or not empty or hollow without them. But someone who sees everything about you and loves you anyway. Someone who shows you the very best version of yourself, but still loves you when you fall short or are at your worst. You deserve someone who sees you. Who makes you laugh. Who understands and appreciates what love is...and what it will mean to you.”

Leah is crying as she chuckles and wipes at her eyes. “Is that a proposal? Because I might say yes.”

Toni laughs, too, and hugs her tightly. “You deserve far better than me.”

She feels Leah’s grip on her tighten. “Impossible. There’s no one better.”

Toni has never had a best friend before. Like she told Leah, Martha has always been her sister. Her family. Her person. So as far as best friends go, Toni picked a damn fine one. And she told Leah so as they fell asleep holding each other.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is lighter than the others have been, but apparently I don't know how to do only fluff so prepare for more angst and feels! Some big developments here...
> 
> And if anyone wants to yell about The Wilds with me on Twitter, I could always use more people to obsess about the show with. @2BeEnough

Fatin is sunbathing in her backyard when a shadow blots out the sun. She’s expecting her mom or brother so she prepares a tirade only to have the words die in her throat when she sees Leah standing there instead. She blinks owlishly a few times trying to make sense of the scene. Leah is pacing frantically. She quickly sits up as annoyance morphs into concern.

“Leah…” She stands up and extends her hand as she slowly approaches.

Leah stops pacing and looks at her then averts her gaze. “You can put some clothes on, I promise to delay my impending madness while you do.”

Fatin smiles at that. Then wordlessly puts a shirt on over her bikini top.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before.” She teases.

Leah rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “As if I need the reminder.”

Fatin licks her lips but doesn’t respond to the likely unintentional flirting.

She sighs. “So...what brings you to my humble abode?”

Leah’s eyes widen like she just abruptly remembers. “I know something...a secret. And I’m trying to be more open and honest and not keep secrets...but this isn’t my secret. But it’s big. And it’s important. And I  _ really  _ want to tell you because I hate keeping things from you...but…” She sighs loudly and runs her hands through her hair. “I can’t. Morally it would be wrong. Even if revealing the secret would be a really good thing for the people involved…”

Fatin tries to keep up but is confused. It doesn’t sound like Leah or any of their friends are in danger. She wonders what it could possibly be, but then remembers that Toni stayed overnight at Leah’s last night. And what if...what if Toni told Leah about Fatin’s crush on her? Does this mean that...could Leah be telling her that it’s okay? That she’s interested. 

“Leah...I don’t know what Toni told you…”

Leah closes her mouth and stares at her. “I never said it was about Toni. Why would you think it was about Toni?”

Well now Fatin is confused. Is there something going on with Toni? Surely, Toni would tell her, wouldn’t she? 

“Okay, so it’s not about Toni.” Fatin tries again. “So you...you came over here to tell me that you had something that you can’t tell me?”

Leah blushes adorably and bites her lip as she nods. Fatin smiles at her.

“I’m not crazy.” Leah shuffles from foot to foot. “I realize that this doesn’t actually help my case...but I’m not crazy.”

“I know.” Fatin tells her softly.

Leah sighs again and then sits down on the lounge chair that Fatin was recently lying in. Fatin sits beside her and rubs her back gently as she tries to calm her.

“Well, since you are already here. Is there anything you  _ can  _ talk about?” Fatin asks quietly.

“What are your thoughts on lesbian necromancers?” 

Fatin stares at her incredulously and laughs out loud. “What?!”

And Leah launches into a book trilogy she is reading. Halfway through an in-depth description of book two, Fatin caves and buys the audio-books. They squeeze into the lounge chair and cuddle as Fatin presses play to book one.

When Leah leaves later that afternoon, Fatin enters the house with a huge smile plastered on her face.

“So, Leah…” Her mom trails off with a knowing smile. “She’s a very sweet girl, you should have her over for family dinner sometime.”

Fatin closes her eyes and ducks her head. “I...I’ll ask her.” She looks at her mom. “We’re just friends…” She studies her mom’s eyes carefully. “But...if I were...to like girls...in the same way that I like boys. If there was someone special...would that be okay?”

Her mom smiles broadly. “Honey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier than when you walked into the house just now. Except for when you had all of your friends over for the pool party a few weeks ago.” She caresses Fatin’s cheek, and holds her gaze. “I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy and I know I didn’t always show that the right way. But I have been working on it. I think I’ve gotten better, we seem to have gotten closer…”

Fatin nods. “You have.  _ We  _ have.”

Her mom nods. “Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I know how hard it must be. I’ve been talking with the Reid’s, and Mrs. Blackburn. We all used to be close when you were little. And we’re all so happy you reconnected. They said that their kids have also never been happier, Toni too. I’m so glad that Mrs. Blackburn is officially adopting Toni.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “What?!?!?!”

That must have been the secret that Leah wanted to share but couldn’t.

Her mom looks startled. “Oh, maybe it was supposed to be a surprise.”

Fatin processes it. What it means for Toni to finally have a family. To know she’s wanted and loved. She instantly starts to cry and relaxes when her mom’s arms wrap around her.

“I...I’m going to go over there. I want to see Toni.”

“Of course, dear.” She kisses her temple. “As I was saying, we’ve all been talking and wanted to have a cookout after Martha’s dance competition. It’s in a few weeks, and I’m planning on hosting. I wanted to reach out to Leah’s parents too. And Dot’s dad.”

Fatin pulls away from her and stares at her with so much love and compassion. “I hope he comes. It would mean the world to him and Dot.”

Her mom smiles at her. “I’m proud of you, Fatin. More proud of the amazing woman you have become and the family you created for yourself than I ever was of your talent.”

And that’s when Fatin completely breaks down. And her mom holds her so securely that it makes her just as proud of her. And she thinks about Toni again. Mrs. Blackburn is an amazing mother and Toni is finally getting what she deserves.

She heads to her room to wash her face, put make-up on and change into actual clothes before she heads over to see Toni. When she gets to her room, her brother is wearing one of her dresses, has lipstick on and is stumbling around in her highest heels. She breaks into a grin.

“You look amazing.” She tells him brightly and the beam she gets in return in everything.

She didn’t want him to be embarrassed for what he was doing, she wants him to feel proud and safe to express himself. And she wonders, idly, if she’s using the correct pronouns in her head or if she should start to adjust them. Maybe he’s just playing around as kids do. But maybe it’s something more. And she vows to be as good a sister to him as she has been trying to be a friend and daughter. He deserves the world, and she will ruin herself trying to give it to him.

“Thank you.” He looks down shyly. “You’re not mad?”

She shakes her head. “I think you’re missing something though.”

She goes to her make-up cabinet and grabs her eye shadow. She picks the perfect color to match the dress. And as she summons him over, she grins at the way his eyes shine.

He’s calm and patient as she puts the make-up on him and slicks back his hair. 

“Perfect.” She tells him and grabs her phone. “Mind if I take a picture?”

He looks a bit nervous, but nods. She quickly snaps the pic, and then a selfie with him. She took them for herself not for her social media followers, and plans to get the one of the two of them framed.

“You know I love you, right?” She says as she puts her phone away. “No matter what. And I’m always here...if you need anything. And mom...she is, too.”

He tears up a bit, but nods in acceptance. “I know.”

She kneels and leans into him and lowers her voice like she’s sharing a secret. “Red is your color.”

He smiles.

“I wanted to share something with you.” She says, sitting back on her heels. “I like girls.”

He smiles at her. “Like...you want to kiss them?”

Fatin grins. “Absolutely.” She studies him before adding, “But I also still like kissing boys.”

He nods. “I do, too.”

Fatin’s eyes widen slightly. She tries to think of something to say; the best way to respond.

“I only kissed one. But it was fun.” He adds.

She hugs him again, so tightly. She doesn’t know when he grew up. Or how much more of his life she missed out on, but she knows she doesn’t want to miss any more.

Eventually, she arrives at the Blackburns. Mrs. Blackburn is outside hanging laundry on the line.

“Fatin, what a lovely surprise.” She says with a genuine smile. “Martha and Toni are inside watching a movie, go on and join them. They’ll be happy to see you.”

Fatin nods, but then pauses. “I heard about the adoption. I’m so happy for all of you.”

Mrs. Blackburn grins with pride. “I've been trying for years, but Toni kept resisting. I don’t know what finally made her cave this time...but I’d bet my life it was you girls. That girl loves you all so much. I...I used to stay up at night, worried about her. Praying for her. I just wanted her to be okay.” She sounds faraway--lost in thought. “I didn’t think she’d ever let those walls down.” She shakes her head. “I know you know some of this, so I’m not breaking her confidence, but that brave girl has been through so much. I’m glad she finally let herself relax. She was always a ball of anger. So brittle and strong. She carried so much. And she did it alone, like...like she didn’t trust anyone else to want to help. To not let her down. Not hurt her.” She sighs. “But now...she sleeps. Martha says that there are hardly any nightmares anymore. And she doesn’t have all this anxious energy. It’s almost like...like she handed over the reins. She’s letting us prove we have her back...letting us help her fight her battles. And...it has allowed her to relax. To calm down.” She smiles sadly and stares at Fatin intently. “She’s letting us see the parts of her that she had to keep hidden for so long...and it’s beautiful. The transformation. And...I’ve seen what her strength and vulnerability have given my daughter. Martha needs her just as much as Toni always needed Martha. They’ve always been sisters. And I am beyond proud to be able to make it official. My daughters.”

Fatin lost track of how many times she cried today, but she jumps into Mrs. Blackburn’s arms and hugs her as fiercely as possible. “I’m so glad Toni always had you and Martha. And I know that I wasn’t always there...but I am here now. I’m never giving up on her again.”

“She adores you too, Fatin. You’re a great friend to them both.”

Fatin is wiping her eyes as she walks into the house in search of the girls. They are cuddled together on the couch. Popcorn is scattered everywhere.

“Fatin?!?!?” Toni is the first to notice her. “What are you doing here?”

“Apparently, chaperoning a bunch of toddlers.” Fatin replies with a smirk. “What the hell happened in here?”

Martha fidgets awkwardly. “There  _ may  _ have been a popcorn fight.”

“Over what?”

“Martha ships Paul and Ellie even though Ellie is queer and they are perfect as friends.” Toni groans.

Fatin frowns. “What?”

“The movie. It’s a bromance, queer romantic comedy and Martha is trying to make it heteronormative.” Toni explains.

Fatin’s eyebrows furrow. “I’m still not sure what that means.”

“We’re watching  _ The Half of It _ .” Martha tells her. “Toni, restart it. Fatin, get over here.”

Fatin rushes over to the couch and squeezes in between them, because after the day she had she needs to be fully surrounded by love from two of her favorite people. She shoves Toni playfully.

“Bitch...why didn’t you tell me you were being adopted by Mrs. Blackburn?”

Toni stares at her. “Who told? I’m gonna kill them.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Apparently Mrs. Blackburn told my mom.”

“Oh.” She immediately relaxes.

“What? Not planning matricide then?” Fatin teases.

“Shut up and watch the movie.” Toni growls. 

But then she cuddles into Fatin and rests her head on her shoulder. Fatin tugs her closer and holds on to her during the entirety of the movie.

“I’m with Toni on this Martha. That shit is gay. I mean, there’s going to be a sequel, right? They can’t possibly wait until they're done with college for Aster to figure her shit out.”

Toni laughs. “How are they both so oblivious? They’re perfect together.”

“I know! Right!”

They laugh. Fatin ends up staying overnight, and the three of them stay up all night talking, catching up, laughing. They reminisce about the good old days and plan for their future together. Fatin going to be a social media influencer, Toni will get a basketball scholarship and Martha will become a veterinarian. They imagine the different ways they can all stay together, and fantasize about what their friends will be.

“Rachel will definitely be an MMA fighter. You should see her right hook!” Toni declares.

“Nora will be a scientist who cures Cancer or some shit.” Fatin adds.

“I think Shelby will be a psychologist or teacher...something that lets her help people.” Martha ponders.

“Leah…” Fatin starts but is interrupted when Toni playfully adds, “Will not be your trophy wife! I swear she deserves more than that!”

Martha sits up. “Wait...what?”

“I hate you.” Fatin says as she shoves Toni, who is laughing uncontrollably.

Martha studies them and shakes her head. “Leah will be a college professor. Or something else equally smart.” Then she sighs and adds. “I don’t care what we become, as long as we are all still together.”

Toni stops laughing and holds Martha’s hand. “Hey, we will be. I don’t believe in a lot...but I believe in us. All of us.”

And just like that, Fatin is crying again. “See, I really hate you.”

Toni rolls her eyes, and pulls Fatin into her and holds her. “I hate you, too.”

They spend the next afternoon together and Fatin is looking forward to their club meeting the following afternoon. She enjoys the one on one with each of her friends, and the time she has with the core group of them; but she also adores the entire club. When she arrives at the meeting, most of the people are already there. She scans the room to find Regan.

“Hey, do you have any trans flag buttons? Or that ‘Whatever’ pronoun one?” She asks her.

“I do. I have both.” She quickly opens the tote she carries with her to the meeting and rifles through it before handing Fatin the ones she requested. 

“Oh...and a pride flag, a bi flag, a pan flag…” Fatin continues.

Regan’s eyes widen. She holds the tote out toward Fatin so she can grab whatever ones she wants.

“New recruits for the club?” Regan asks.

Fatin shakes her head. “Nope. For my kid brother. I want to cover all the bases.”

Regan smiles fondly at her and nods. 

McKenna, who is on the Quiz Bowl team with Nora and Quinn, raises her voice slightly, to be heard over the excited buzz of conversation in the room. “I’m trans.”

The hushed conversations stop and everyone listens to McKenna, who rarely speaks in the meetings.

“I...I transitioned the summer before seventh grade...before we moved here.” She looks awkwardly around the room. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what Jeanette said last week. About wanting you all to know me. All of me.” She glances at Fatin. “And I wasn’t sure...I didn’t know...but then you asked about buttons for your brother and you obviously adore him. So I thought...I hope you all can accept me as I am.” She gestures at herself. “I love me and my parents love me. But...it would be really nice if you all did, too.”

Regan thrusts the tote into Fatin’s hands so she can properly hug McKenna. Quinn, Oliver and Nora are quick to follow.

“Of course we do. This doesn’t change anything...except now we get to know you a little better. Thanks for sharing...for trusting us.” Jeanette says, in her normal Australian accent.

Everyone else takes turns offering their support and some hugs to McKenna while Fatin grabs another button out of the tote. A trans flag. She notices McKenna didn’t wear one along with her She/Her pronoun button or the I Love Hugs one. She hesitantly hands it to her, and McKenna takes it gratefully.

“Thank you.” She says as she puts it on immediately. “And if you ever want someone to bounce ideas off of in regards to how to talk to your brother...let me know.”

Fatin smiles at her gratefully. “I would really like that. I’m out of my depth here and don’t want to mis-step with him. It’s too important.”

The meeting breezes by, as it always does when she spends it with these perfect humans. As they get ready to rearrange the chairs and dismiss for the evening, Shelby speaks up quietly.

“There is also something I wanted to talk about.” She looks as white as a ghost and Fatin shares a look with Dot and Leah as they realize what she most likely is about to say.

“I…” Shelby takes several deep breaths. 

Dot is closest to her, so she puts her arm around her to steady her--maybe give her strength. And it seems to work.

“I’m gay.” She swallows thickly. And lets her eyes fall to the floor. “I’m a lesbian.”

Fatin studies Toni and sees her stiffen and frowns as to why she would react in such a way.

“Thank you for sharing your truth with us, Shelby. I know how scary it is.” Leah says with encouragement.

“You know we love you.” Rachel adds.

Shelby nods and then looks around the room. Her eyes settling on Toni briefly before continuing on. “I’m sick of the lies. Of being too scared to be myself. I’m sick of feeling like I have to hide who I am because of who my father is. Fuck him.”

Toni smirks. “Wow. Do you say your prayers with that mouth.”

Shelby rolls her eyes and smiles as she locks eyes with Toni again. “As a matter of fact, I do.” She fumbles with the cross necklace around her neck. “My dad may be homophobic and hide behind Christianity to do it. But I’m still a Christian. I still believe. I believe even more now...because...there has to be a God...I know it, because he brought me you.” She blushes and diverts her eyes from Toni immediately as she adds quickly and a bit too loudly. “All of you. He brought me all of you.”

Fatin is so proud of her. The group takes turns hugging Shelby just as they did McKenna. Eventually, only she and Toni are left. She glances at Toni and Toni seems to shake herself from her own thoughts before taking a deep breath and walking over to Shelby.

“Welcome to the dark side.” Toni says as she hugs Shelby and the blonde holds her so tightly that Fatin can’t watch any more. 

Shelby looks relieved and broken at the same time. Fatin’s eyes scan the room before settling on Leah’s. Leah walks over to her.

“Somehow, Toni still has no clue that Shelby is in love with her.” Leah whispers.

“Yeah, how can someone so smart be so stupid at the same time.” She says as she stares at Leah knowingly.

“I know right. It would hurt to watch if it wasn’t so funny. I’m going to talk to Regan about getting T-shirts made. So when they finally figure their shit out and get together we can wear them.”

Fatin smirks. “Not sure making the ex root for them is appropriate.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Right.”

Fatin sighs. “I gotta go give her my love.” 

She nods toward Shelby and Leah nods in understanding before stepping aside and letting her walk passed her. As Fatin approaches them, Toni detaches herself from Shelby and steps away awkwardly. Shelby smiles at Fatin and Fatin hugs her.

“It’s about time.” She teases and Shelby laughs.

“I know. I...I couldn’t do it any more. I…” She steps away from the hug and glances at Toni who is now chatting with Leah and Martha. “She doesn’t like liars...and I felt like I was lying to her. I…”

“She understands. I don’t think she ever considered someone keeping themselves safe like you had to a liar.”

Shelby nods. “I know I don’t have much of a chance....but even if there’s a little one, I would hate myself if I don’t take it.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Are you going to…”

Shelby’s eyes match hers in diameter and she shakes her head frantically. “No way. Not yet. I just meant...I don’t want her to keep misreading things that might be happening between us. I want her to know that she can consider me...that I’m right here. And I’m not scared anymore.” She sighs and looks at Fatin sincerely. “I mean, I’m absolutely terrified. But not…”

Fatin nods. “I get it.”

“I’m glad you do.”

“You might want to try being a little less obvious about it though.” Fatin smirks. “ _ God  _ led you to her…”

Shelby blushes. “I know! It slipped out.”

“Soon, you’ll be saying ‘ _ you’re the prettiest person I l know...but you’re a lot more than that. _ ’” Fatin tells her sarcastically.

Shelby sighs. “She is! She’s so pretty and…” She screws her eyes shut. “You were teasing me again.”

“Only a little.” She smiles at her warmly.

Leah walks over to them. “I’m heading over to Martha’s. Rachel and Toni are boxing as usual and Nora and Martha are hanging out. Want to come?”

Fatin frowns. “I would love to, but I promised my mom a family dinner and I wanted to spend time with my brother.”

Leah nods and glances at Shelby. “You coming?”

Shelby’s eyes light up. “Yes.”

Leah smiles and hugs Fatin before the group of them take off. She watches them go as Dot appears at her side. 

“Never a boring day at the GSA.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Did you practice that rhyme first or does your dorkiness come naturally?”

Dot punches her and Fatin laughs out loud. 

“Come on. I’ll take you home. I want to visit with your dad a bit before I need to be home.”

“Great! He’s been asking about you.”

They walk out of the room together, and Fatin is at ease. She teased Shelby earlier, about how cheesy she was being. But she was right. Fatin feels it, too. The invisible string that connects them all together. The fate or destiny or whatever it is. The divine intervention that brought these people into her life when she needed them the most. 

  
  


XXXXXX

  
  


Rachel and Leah stand in shock as Toni angrily paces around the barn. 

“I don’t know what’s happening.” Leah whispers to Rachel.

“Neither do I.” Rachel glances at her. “You’re the best friend. Do something.”

Leah beams with pride momentarily before she sighs in resignation and slumps her shoulders. “This might be beyond my pay grade. Should we get Martha?”

Toni stops pacing and punches the punching bag hard with an ungloved hand before wincing and shaking it out.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Leah says as she approaches her and looks at her injured hand. 

It was red and may likely bruise.

“I just...this is the worst development ever!” Toni yells in frustration. “Why does she have to be gay?”

Leah’s eyes widen as does Rachel's and they glance at each other.

“You’re mad about Shelby being gay? You have a crush on her. How is that a bad thing?” Leah says.

It surprises Rachel that Leah knows, but then she let’s it wash away. She’s glad she isn’t the only one who does, because that shit is hard to keep a secret. 

“It’s  _ bad  _ because it gives me false hope.” She stares at Leah sincerely with sad, scared eyes. “I don’t need hope, I have no room left for it.”

Leah frowns and fidgets. “But...what if it isn’t a bad thing?”

“How can it not be?” Toni stares at her incredulously. “I’m already hopeless. Did you see me today? I was attached to her like a koala bear. I need to get my shit together and not be a fucking creeper.”

Leah smiles lopsidedly. “I thought it was cute. You fit together so perfectly.

“Ahhh!” Toni steps away and puts her hands over her ears. “Nope. You do not get to encourage this.” She glares at Leah. “As my best friend you are supposed to be the voice of reason. You are supposed to talk me down from the ledge. Don’t make me revoke your best friend card.”

Leah looks at Rachel helplessly with wide eyes.

“Look, let’s talk this through rationally.” She says. 

“Rachel’s right.” Leah nods. 

Toni takes a few deep, steadying breaths before nodding. “Okay, right.”

“Our friend, Shelby, who’s dad is a homophobic asshole, was brave enough to come out as a lesbian today to a room full of people. I think that should be the big takeaway here, right?” Leah says kindly, but firmly. “Whatever other emotions you have going on--which are valid and I do want to hear them when you’re ready to discuss it honestly--don’t let them overshadow how scared she must be right now. How much she probably needs her friend, who is also a lesbian...to help her navigate these scary waters. Someone who could maybe give her a queer curriculum to educate herself so she can learn to be comfortable in her own skin. Someone who can give her the strength to get through this uncertain time.”

Toni calms down immediately and sits on the ground. “You’re right. I’m an asshole.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Nowhere during that entire speech did I call you an asshole! I was pointing out how great of a friend you are and how, maybe you want to be more, but...don’t underestimate the power of friendship. I know I don’t.”

Toni nods again and runs her fingers across her swelling knuckles. “I think I need ice.”

“Okay...but...do you want to talk about  _ why  _ you were really so upset?” Rachel wonders quietly.

“Because I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m more terrified of the possibility that she will never like me back or that she could.” Toni admits softly.

“And why would her liking you terrify you?”

“Because love doesn’t last. Because people get sick of me or I scare them away. Because...what if I get everything I could ever want and it doesn’t work out in the end?”

“What if it does?” Leah asks.

Toni swallows thickly and then lets Leah hug her. They stay like that for a few minutes before they decide to bypass boxing today and head inside instead. Leah pulls Rachel aside and let’s Toni walk in front of them.

“I cannot tell you how happy I am that someone else knows. This secret has been eating me alive!” Leah whisper yells.

“Me too.” Rachel agrees. “Shelby coming out to the club is huge. I know she was scared about it and I’m so proud of her. I’ve been trying to figure out if Shelby feels the same way so that I can protect Toni if I need to.”

“You don’t need to.” Leah says.

Rachel stares at her. “You...how do you know?”

“Shelby isn’t subtle. Like, the astronauts watching from the International Space Station can probably see it.” Leah tells her.

Rachel frowns. “I’ve been watching for a week...she isn’t  _ that  _ obvious.”

Leah rolls her eyes and laughs. “You don’t know what you’re looking for. It’s there. We don’t have to protect Toni from Shelby, we have to protect her from herself. So she doesn’t screw this up.”

Rachel nods, she can get on board with that. They get inside shortly after Toni and see her rifling through the freezer for some ice. Shelby walks into the room soon after, with Martha and Leah flanking her.

“What’s going on, what happened?” Martha asks, looking between the three girls.

“Toni hurt her hand.” Leah said. 

Shelby’s eyes widen and she rushes to her and gingerly holds Toni’s hand in hers. “It’s bruised and swollen. You’re lucky I summer interned as a Candy Striper. I know exactly what to do.”

She grabs the ice, a glass of water and some ibuprofen and gets to work nursing Toni. Toni pretends to protest, but lets Shelby have her way with her.

Rachel is startled by Leah elbowing her in the side. “See? It’s obvious.”

And Rachel has to agree. She sees it now. “Ok. I’m in. How do we keep Toni from self-sabotage?”

“I have a plan...but it involves Fatin. And could blow up in our faces.” Leah says seriously.

Rachel grins. “I’m in.”

She watches as Shelby grabs Toni by the shoulders and directs her from the kitchen to the living room as if she suddenly can’t keep her hands off the girl. And Rachel realizes that the  _ suddenness  _ of it probably has a lot to do with the weight off her own shoulders. Being out. Being in a safe environment that allows her to be herself. Being accepted and loved by the people she cares most about, sans her father. Rachel always had a soft spot for Shelby, ever since she befriended Nora. But this moment, the strength and vulnerability she revealed today endears Rachel to her further.

Shelby and Toni sit squeezed together, no space at all between them as Shelby continues to fuss over her. “I don’t understand how this happened? Isn’t that what the gloves are for? To protect from injury?”

“I...wasn’t wearing gloves.” Toni admits.

“What?” Shelby admonishes and then immediately softens. “I know you know how stupid that was, I’m not going to make you feel worse about it.”

“Gee, thanks.” Toni rolls her eyes and Shelby grins.

“So...are we going to start watching Atypical...or did our plans change?” Nora asks randomly.

“We’re still watching.” Toni tells her. “Shelby, consider this the beginning of your queer education. I’ll text you the same curriculum I set up for Leah and I do assign homework.”

“Fair warning, it’s graded.” Leah whispers with faux terror and Shelby laughs. 

Rachel can’t help laughing along with them. She sits by Nora, who has her head in Martha’s lap as the girl runs her fingers through her hair. Martha presses play on episode one as they all settle in together.

Rachel keeps stealing glances at Shelby and Toni. She isn’t into romance at all, but she can’t help rooting for them. And she knows she isn’t the only one, when Leah keeps catching her eye and winking. Rachel watches her sister as she watches the TV screen and settles her eyes on the contented smile on Martha’s face. Leah was right, never underestimate the power of friendship. The value of being seen and having your people to share your life with. She isn’t missing out on anything by being aromantic, she’s not broken or incomplete. Her life is filled to capacity. And she is truly content for the first time.

She thought that diving gave her life purpose. That it made her matter. That it was her passion. But she was wrong. She thinks about supporting Nora at Quiz Bowl or attending Toni’s basketball games. She thinks about boxing with her. And Volleyball at Fatin’s. She realizes that she has more fun cheering for them than she ever did competing for herself. Diving had been her way to feel seen and noticed by her parents.

But boxing has been a great way to channel her anger, more so than any competition she has ever participated in. The GSA has given her a sense of belonging and value. And getting to relearn Nora, and reconnect with her friends has given her a purpose. Beyond trophies or medals or recognition. Her purpose has become being a great friend--a worthy and accepting and inspirational friend. Like how Leah talked Toni down today. Or how they GSA has gathered people who felt otherwise alone, and made them feel special and seen and understood. How Shelby is taking care of Toni. How Mrs. Blackburn takes care of them all. That’s what she wants for her life. She wants to be the person they turn to. The rock. Not the landmine. Not the bomb waiting to explode. She wants to be grounded and strong. She wants to be  _ their  _ person. 

When she and Nora head home that night, she makes up her mind to confront her parents. To tell them how she feels. She asks Nora to stay with her. And Nora does so wordlessly, holding her hand as she addresses them at the kitchen table.

“I’ve been cut from the team.” She tells them.

“What?! Honey...no.” Her mom is visibly upset.

“Why? What happened?” Her dad wonders.

“It’s been coming for a year. Coach warned me last season, and I tried my best to improve but couldn’t do what was required for us to win. If I stay on, I risk dragging the whole team down.”

“I can’t imagine how you must be feeling…” Her mom says.

“No, you can’t. You can’t possibly, because we never talk about it.” Rachel admits. “She cut me last week.”

“And you’re just telling us now?” Her dad wonders with hurt lacing his tone. “Why?”

“Because I wanted to prolong it as long as I could...I didn’t want you to stop loving me just yet.” She says matter-of-factly, even though it was anything but.

“Sweetheart...what are you talking about? We love you. This doesn’t change that.” Her mom says and Rachel feels Nora’s hand tighten in hers.

“I know. I do.  _ Now. _ But that’s how I felt my entire life. Like the only time you ever noticed me was when I was winning competitions.”

They look destroyed. Her mom starts crying.

“We...we made you feel that way?” Her dad asks quietly.

She nods. “I felt invisible...until I started diving. And a part of me worried that if I lost it...I’d go back to feeling invisible. But I’m not. I know I matter to people. I have friends who…”

“And you have me.” Nora interrupts her quietly. “You always have me.”

Rachel smiles at her. “I know I do.”

“You have us. You will always have us. We love you. So much.” Her mom says through her crying. “I don’t...I can’t...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I forgive you. I don’t blame you. I...a lot of that was on me. In my own mind. And it took me a long time to see it. How blind I’ve been to everything around me. How selfish. How wrong I’ve been. But you did only focus on diving. You never asked about anything in my life beyond that...and that is on you. I’m more than what I can or can’t do.”

They both nod frantically. “Yes, of course.”

“And since I’m being honest, I’m also aromantic. That means I never want to date anyone or be in a relationship. So don’t start putting those expectations on me either.”

They nod again. 

She sighs and then nods. “Okay, good. I’m glad I got that all out.” She shakes her head. “I feel so much lighter.”

Her mom reaches across the table and holds her free hand. “We love you. As you are. I’m sorry that that got lost somehow. But you…” She glances at Nora and then back at Rachel. “You girls are our world. You always have been.”

Rachel attempts to hold back the tears, but fails to do so. Nora holds her, hugging her against her chest as she cries.

“I’ve never been prouder of you.” Nora tells her. “Not even when you won State Sophomore year.”

And Rachel relaxes into her sister’s arms and lets her comfort her. She believes them. And she’s so glad that maybe things  _ will  _ change now. Now that the pressure to be perfect enough to earn their love is gone. Now that she can just  _ be. _

They talk, as a family, about their day. About the coming week. And about their friends. Because really, that is what’s most important to Rachel and that’s what she wants to share with her parents.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that I've been more excited to get to and write so I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Also, it's Regan's POV and Shelby's. You finally get to see what happened between Toni/Regan and I hope that you still adore Regan, because I do! Have fun...  
> TW for mention of suicide and (internalized) homophobia.

Regan sees Toni walking down the hall with Shelby, Fatin and Leah. She keeps putting off talking to her; clearing the air between them. It’s been easy to come up with excuses not to do it--because Toni is never alone these days, or because the time isn’t right, or because she’s too chicken shit to get the words out. Whatever the reason, she knows she can’t keep delaying it. Toni deserves better. And as their club gains in popularity and her friendships amongst its members grow, she knows she wants to feel more like she belongs. She wants to feel like she deserves to be there even if it is as just an ally. 

“Hey...Toni!” She yells with as much bravado as she can muster and jogs closer to them. “I know you have practice so I’ll be quick...but...could we talk?” She glances at the others and adds nervously, “Alone for a minute.”

Toni nods hesitantly and Fatin gives her a death glare while Leah squeezes Toni’s hand encouragingly. Regan gives Shelby a forced smile that feels and likely looks more like a grimace and receives a small, but genuine one in return. And that’s when she knows without a doubt that Shelby Goodkind is twice the person she will ever be.

They make the short walk around the corner, and sit on the stairs. Toni looks as anxious as she feels.

“It’s nothing bad...I just…” Regan sighs and rests her hand softly on Toni’s to still her frantic movements. “I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to fight. For you. For us.”

Toni frowns. “I don’t understand why you’re apologizing. I knew that you were still in the closet going into it, I never cared about that. And I’m the one who ruined things between us.”

Regan shakes her head. “That’s not…” 

“I wanted to apologize to you also. About my temper. About hurting you.” Toni is staring at her so intently and sincerely. “I’m sorry that I scared you.”

“Toni, I was never scared of you.”

Toni furrows her eyebrows in confusion and she shakes her head as she closes her eyes. “But you were. And I get it--I understand that I had a lot of work to do to deserve you. You don’t have to protect my feelings anymore. What I did was wrong.”

Regan’s eyes widen. “Toni...you got in a fight. Yeah, maybe you should have walked away, but you were defending me. You…” She bites her lip. “I didn’t break up with you because you scared me. I broke up with you because  _ they  _ did.” She sighs and runs her hands nervously through her hair. Her whole body is shaking. “The things they said...I realized that no matter how much I loved you...no matter how much I wanted to be with you...I was too scared of what people said about me. I'm too scared to admit what I am. Even now...I’ve never been able to say the words...even to myself. Even in my own head. And I tried so hard. I still try every day. But I can’t. Not yet. Maybe...maybe not ever.”

Toni stares at her with her mouth open and Regan allows her the time to process. They sit in silence for a few minutes as Toni turns away from her and scoots another foot away. She is looking anywhere but at Regan.

“This whole time...I hated myself for making you uncomfortable. For making you scared of me. For ruining the best thing I ever had in my life…” She is glaring at her when she finally looks at her again. “But you...you say it was never about me at all. How can you honestly think that it had nothing to do with me when you’re telling me that you were ashamed of me?”

Regan shakes her head frantically. “No. Not ashamed of you. Never you.” She swallows thickly and tries to hold back the tears. “I’ve only ever been ashamed of me.”

There’s silence again and Regan wishes Toni would yell at her. Lose her temper. Anything that lets her know that her anger is placed where it belongs...solely on Regan’s shoulders. She hates that Toni spent months hating herself. She would have sucked it up and confronted her ages ago if she knew that were the case. She never wanted anything but good for Toni; she just realized that it wasn’t ever going to be her. Maybe she should have been honest from the start. Braver. 

“Please...say something.” She begs. “Anything. Yell at me. I deserve it.”

Toni closes her eyes and shakes her head. “You don’t. You already feel like shit, I won’t make it worse.” She stands up. “I get being scared. I get that maybe you weren’t ready no matter how much you wanted to be.” She takes a step away from her and then turns back around and looks at her. “But why not just tell me the truth? Why not be brave enough for just that?” She lowers her voice. “You know what my life’s been like. You know I’m used to being ditched for no reason...didn’t you think for once in my life...I deserved a reason?”

And Regan completely loses it then. She starts sobbing but refuses to feel sorry for herself because she is the villain here and she knows it. So she does her best to take another steadying breath and levels Toni with a gaze full of honesty and every emotion swirling inside her at the moment. 

“You did. And I was a coward. And that’s what I’m most sorry about.” She stands up. “I didn’t know you blamed yourself. I’m stupid for not realizing you would.” She swallows back the bile, because her stomach is in such knots and she feels like she could throw up . “You deserve so much better than I could ever give you. And these last couple months of being your friend...of seeing how much you’ve grown and how...how good you are without me holding you back...holding you down. I’ve been honored that you allowed me back in. That we’re still friends.” She blinks away the tears. “I hope we can still be friends...I hope that someday, you can forgive me. But I understand if you can’t.”

Toni stares at her wordlessly, then she takes a deep breath. “I’ve got practice.”

She storms away and Regan follows her around the corner to watch her go, for maybe the last time. Toni storms past her friends without so much as a glance at them and they all turn to stare at Regan with varying degrees of anger and concern.

“What the hell happened?” Fatin asks before chasing after Toni.

“What’d you say to her?” Leah wonders with a frown. “If you hurt her…”

Regan’s eyes water. “I didn’t mean to. I was...I thought I was doing the right thing. I was being honest and…”

Leah shakes her head and runs to catch up with Fatin. Regan looks at Shelby imploringly.

“Please...wait a minute?”

Shelby glances at her friends’ retreating forms and then her gaze settles on Regan. “You have five minutes.”

Regan nods and then exhales in relief. “I thought I was..I…” She looks away and closes her eyes. “Just please...take care of her. Make sure she’s okay.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I would have anyway.” Shelby tells her honestly.

“I admire you, you know.” She says as she looks at her again. “You came out to a room full of people and you have so much more to lose than I do...and I….” She wipes at her tears. “I...I loved her so much. I do. Still.” She sighs. “And yet...I don’t know how to love her more than I hate myself.”

Shelby’s entire demeanor softens and she looks torn in what to do next, so Regan keeps talking. 

“She’s always liked you. I don’t know if you know that. But...I was so jealous of you...when we first started dating I did my best to keep her away from you.” She blushes. “I...thought that you’d end up being the one that hurt her.” She laughs humorlessly at herself. “What did I know.”

Shelby licks her lips and stares at her vulnerably. “She...likes me?”

Regan nods. Shelby deserves the truth. Toni deserves Shelby. She knows that now. She thinks she always did.

Shelby frowns. “What do I do with that information?”

Regan shrugs. “Whatever you want...just...don’t do what I did. Don’t let fear control your life. Don’t let it make you lose the one good thing you ever had.”

Shelby swallows. “I won't’.” She shakes her head and closes her eyes. “I mean…” She opens them again. “ _ If _ ...I get to have the chance to have my one good thing, I won’t let anyone or anything keep me away.”

“And I believe that.” She steps a bit closer and maintains eye contact. “Make her believe it, too.”

Shelby nods and then hesitates before leaving. “Is it okay...can I hug you?”

Regan laughs. “If you really want to.”

And Shelby does, and Regan starts to believe in kindness again. In things that are good and pure. And maybe she’s not ready to publicly declare herself to the world yet, but she is more than ready to start fighting for the people she loves. The people she believes in. She’s ready to be the person they seem to already think she is. Someone worthy of a second chance. Worthy of them.

  
  


XXXXXX

  
  


Shelby’s mind is reeling. That whole conversation was surreal. She can’t get Toni’s heartbroken face out of her head and longs to know what was actually discussed between the two girls. But the bigger part of her is trying not to get too excited about what Regan told her. What she encouraged her to do. She is rooting for them. She basically just got the approval of Toni’s ex to pursue Toni. 

And  _ if  _ Toni likes her. Then she’s not going to blow her chance. She’s not going to rush into things half cocked. But she isn’t going to let fear control her either. Like Regan said, Toni needs to know that she isn’t going anywhere. That she is brave enough to fight for them. Before she throws her hat in the ring, she needs to make sure she really is. Toni means far too much to her to screw it all up now. Because whether she has a chance with her or not, she’s still her friend. Shelby still cares about her literally more than anyone in the entire universe. So if what Toni needs now is someone who is dependable and steady and unwavering and strong and brave and  _ here _ , then she will be those things for her. She  _ wants _ to be those things. She already feels like she is some of them. 

She’s lost in thought as she makes her way to the gym where the basketball team is practicing and walks over to the nearly empty bleachers to sit beside Leah.

“How’s she doing?” Shelby asks as she sits down.

Leah glances at her. “Calmed down a bit. No unnecessary fouls and her coach hasn’t had to threaten to send her home in the last five minutes.”

Shelby frowns. That didn’t sound so good.

“Where’s Fatin?” She wonders a moment later.

Leah shrugs. “She went to pick up all of Toni’s favorite snacks because we’re kidnapping her after practice and sitting her down for some tough love.”

Shelby looks at her. “What does that entail?”

“We’re gonna make her talk about it.”

Shelby laughs. “Oh, yeah, that definitely is not going to go well.”

“Wanna come?”

Shelby nods. “Of course.”

Leah nods her approval.

“What’d Regan have to say?” Leah asks after a few moments of awkward silence.

Shelby shrugs. “A lot actually. She’s proud of me for being brave enough to come out. She wants us to make sure to take care of Toni--like she’d have to tell us to. Oh...and...she said that she tried really hard to love Toni more than she hated herself.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Wow….shit.”

Shelby nods slightly. “Yeah.” She sighs. “I mean...we don’t know what she said to Toni because Toni...she looked so broken, but…” She licks her lips. “And I feel like I have every reason to hate her...but I don’t. I can’t. Not when I’ve done worse.”

“I doubt it.” Leah looks at her carefully and then says. “But then she says shit like that and I sort of hate that I want to hug her right now.”

Shelby smiles. “I did.” 

Leah laughs. “Of course you did. Good Christian Girl, Shelby.”

Shelby stares at her with wide eyes. “For the first time ever...that doesn’t feel like an insult.”

“It wasn’t. I was teasing you.” Leah frowns with uncertainty. “Because we’re friends and that’s what we do.”

Shelby grins. “That’s what we do, huh? Are you sure you want to open up  _ that  _ particular door?”

Leah rolls her eyes. “I’m certain you can’t dish it out the way Toni and Fatin can, so I think I can take it.”

Shelby nods, because she agrees. They sit in companionable silence for a little while as they watch the team practice. Toni seems to have calmed down even more. She’s in the zone and sinking all her shots. Shelby has always been impressed with how talented she is. 

She takes a deep breath and turns to face Leah. "Remember when we were kids...and say, a boy in school teases you so badly that you go home crying? I've been thinking because...my parents, they would say that it meant that he probably had a crush on me. Did that ever happen to you?"

Leah nods. "It didn't exactly comfort me at the time." 

"That's what I've been thinking about. The conditioning. How...how does treating someone you supposedly care about so horribly translate into love? That's toxic, right? Love shouldn't be like that. Love should make you a better person, not a worse one." Shelby sighs and shakes her head. “But what do I know about love at all?”

"I get it...I...I. What I had wasn't love...it was obsession. And I think that's what scares me the most. When we talked before about me thinking about love...I realized that I'm terrified of it. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't think I'm ready or will ever be ready...because...what if I make the same mistakes again...only...what if I don't survive it this time?"

Shelby leans into her; she doesn't initiate a hug because she remembers Leah's stance on hugs and respects her enough to give Leah the power to consent. To decide. And Shelby relaxes into her when Leah hugs her tightly in response.

"How about we make a pact?" Shelby comments. "We have each other's back. If you do think you're falling or want to try again...check in. I'll help you decide if it's an obsession or toxic or not…"

"And next time you date a cheating asshole, I remind you that you deserve better. Because, you do Shelby." Leah tells her.

Shelby blushes. “Right. I don’t think that will be a problem for me this time.”

Leah smiles at her. “This time?”

Shelby shakes her head. “I’m not saying...I…”

“I know.” Leah tells her so firmly that Shelby’s eyes widen.

“You know?” Shelby frowns. “Did Fatin tell you? Or was it Dot?”

Leah shakes her head. “No one had to tell me.”

Shelby goes pale. “That’s worse.” She swallows. “Fatin said I had to be less obvious.”

“For what it’s worth, you could probably kiss Toni and she’d assume it meant you were  _ really _ good friends.”

Shelby laughs. “I’m actually beginning to think that’s true. But I’m not...I’m obviously not worried about Toni finding out since I’ve practically been throwing myself at her every chance I get. I’m more concerned about it getting back to my dad  _ before _ she figures it out.”

“Oh.” Leah looks at her sadly. “Is it really as bad as you say it is?”

Shelby nods.

“You can always stay at my house...if worst come to worst.”

Shelby’s eyes tear up. “Thank you.” She sighs. “You know...I thought you were interested in her. At first. But I’ve been watching and I realized that you’re really just friends.”

“ _ Best  _ friends.” Leah corrects. “You...you thought I liked her and you didn’t hate me?”

“I tried to! You just made it impossible.” Shelby tells her with a smile before laughing and Leah laughs with her.

“Well, I’ve been secretly rooting for you ever since I realized you were into her.”

“Why? I was so deep in the closet and struggling with self-loathing.”

Leah shrugs. “I knew you’d get there eventually. I knew you were worth it.”

“I…” Shelby shuffles around and adjusts herself so she’s more fully facing Leah. “I can’t say for sure...but...I don’t think it’s just a crush anymore. The past week or two, when I finally let myself feel everything I feel...I’ve fallen hard, Leah. Like  _ really  _ hard. And I don’t know what to do.”

“Look...I’m rooting for you. I’m your number one fan…”

“But…?” Shelby is terrified of what is about to come.

“You’ve got to be sure. Toni deserves someone who’s all in. Don’t make a move until you’re 100% sure because she deserves someone who will stay and fight for her.”

Shelby nods her head as a frown mars her face. “I’m not Regan. I won’t let my shit get in the way of us. If I’m lucky enough to get a real chance with her...I’m clinging to her for life. You’ll have to pry me off her cold, dead body.”

Leah makes a face. “That’s morbid...and that’s coming from me.”

Shelby grimaces as well. “Yeah, it sounded far less romantic than it was meant to be.”

“Maybe work on that. Yeah?”

“I will. I’ve been working my way through her curriculum and taking notes. When I finally get brave enough to shoot my shot, I’m going to use every weapon in my arsenal.”

“Again...a little more romance...a little less violence.”

Shelby nods. “Right.”

“And remember, as Hemingway said, ‘The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much.”

Shelby stares at her and frowns. “Maybe read less Hemingway, then you might not be completely adverse to love.”

Leah laughs. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Not all love is bad. Loving you all healed me.”

Shelby positively beams. “See!”

About ten minutes later, Fatin arrives breathlessly carrying several grocery bags. She sits down beside Leah and sighs loudly.

“You okay?” Leah asks her.

“Awkward encounter with an ex at the store.” She replies.

“Ex? I thought you didn’t date?” Leah comments.

“Ex-sexual partner. I was trying to protect your virtue.” Fatin rolls her eyes.

Shelby chuckles at that, and so does Leah.

“Where’s Regan? Do you need help hiding the body?” Fatin asks then grins. “If so, you’ll have to ask Leah. She’s the brains and brawn, I’m just a pretty face.”

Leah stares at her for a second and Shelby wonders what has her so enamored, and then her eyes widen briefly. She wonders if there’s something going on between them. Or if there could be someday. As she studies them, she smiles to herself for how they bicker with each other. It’s not the overly flirtatious way Fatin is with Toni or even Dot. It’s softer. During the rest of practice, she catches Fatin staring at Leah three times, and each time she’s looking at her the way Shelby  _ knows  _ she looks at Toni. But other than that original look from Leah, she doesn’t see any indication of Fatin’s now obvious feelings being reciprocated. She knows Leah isn’t ready to date yet, and if she ever gets there---Shelby really hopes that Fatin hasn’t moved on. She silently declares herself as Leah’s number one fan. Whether that means shipping Leah with Fatin or shipping her with independence--it’s all the same to Shelby as long as Leah’s happy in the end.

Toni’s practice finishes and she retires to the locker room to shower while they wait for her. Twenty minutes later, she hesitantly approaches them.

“You didn’t have to wait. I’m fine now.” She tells them.

“We didn’t say you weren’t.” Fatin says. “We just figured you may need a ride...and I have a bag full of Takis and Gatorade that I could use some help devouring.”

Toni smirks. “Bringing in the big guns, huh?”

“Only the very best for you.” Fatin winks.

They walk together to Fatin’s car, and the four of them ride to the park together in silence. They eat all the snacks and consume the drinks in no time. Shelby assumes they’re just waiting Toni out. Waiting for her to break. But she seems content to avoid it and Shelby knows that waiting won’t cut it forever.

“So...Toni…” Fatin starts.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” Toni tells her firmly.

“Good. I wasn’t going to ask. I was actually going to suggest a game of Would You Rather…”

Toni rolls her eyes and nods. “ _ Right _ . Fine, whatever. You go first.”

“Would you rather go down on me or sit on my face?” Fatin smirks at her.

Leah laughs so hard that she starts to choke and Shelby feels her entire body flush with desire.

Toni stares at Fatin in shock. “I hate you. You play dirty.”

“I play to win.”

Toni glances at Shelby awkwardly. “You also broke club rules.”

Fatin rolls her eyes and cackles. “You  _ do _ know that Shelby isn’t Ace, right?”

Toni looks at Shelby with questioning eyes. 

Shelby smirks and shakes her head. “Surely you realize by now that the only reason I didn’t want to sleep with Andrew is because I’m a lesbian.”

Toni’s mouth drops open and then she closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I do now.”

Fatin joins Leah in laughter. “How can you really be so dense?”

Toni shrugs. “I don’t know! I’ve been trying to respect her boundaries!”

Shelby’s entire heart melts at that. If what Regan said is true and Toni is even a little bit interested, the possibility of Shelby being Ace was something that wasn’t off-putting to Toni  _ and  _ she was trying to look out for her. If she hadn’t completely fallen before, she has gone and done it now.

“Enough trying to change the subject. You need to answer now.” Fatin stares at Toni with eyes ablaze. “Would you rather…”

“I’d rather talk about what happened with Regan than play your stupid game.” Toni growls and Fatin smirks in satisfaction.

Shelby glances at Leah and Leah shrugs. Apparently, Leah and Fatin had different methods for tough love, but Fatin just got the job done.

“The day she dumped me...we were on a date. Bowling. And it was the perfect night. We laughed and made out and shared greasy bowling alley food. We even danced by the car at the end of the night. It was dark and the parking lot was empty. We got so caught up in each other, that we didn’t notice two drunk guys approaching. They started to hit on her. Completely ignoring me, until they saw that we were holding hands. Then they started saying stuff...to her. About us.” Toni closed her eyes. “I lost it. I attacked them. Took one guy right down. I was going for the second, when Regan tried to stop me. She wanted us to just get out of there. But I wasn’t ready. I wanted to destroy them. So I pulled away from her and accidentally elbowed her in the face. Her nose was bleeding and the guys took off, and I was left there. Hating myself for hurting her.”

No one spoke as they listened. Shelby wanted to reassure her. Remind her it was an accident. Tell her that she knows she’d never have hurt Regan on purpose. But she remains quiet. She lets Toni finish because she knows she needs to.

“We broke up that night. She drove me home. Even called Martha to come check on me so she knew I’d be okay.” Toni looks at them with an exaggerated eye roll and laughs at herself. “Real bitch, huh?”

She plays with the friendship bracelet on her wrist. The one Shelby knows is from Leah. Shelby catches herself glancing at Leah’s wrist, and the other girl is doing the same thing--twirling it with her nervous fingers.

Toni sighs. “I’ve spent months hating myself for what I did to her. For fucking up the one good thing in my life. I even started working on my temper...on controlling my anger. At first, it was because I was hoping to win her back. But then...it was because I wanted to be better...for me. I liked who I was when I was in control. I liked who I was becoming.”

She’s quiet for so long that they assume she’s finished. Leah’s still playing with her friendship bracelet and is looking at the grass when she speaks. “Guilt...regret...it’s...you’re judging yourself for the actions you took in the past as the person you are  _ now _ . But you weren’t that person then. And that regret you’re feeling...it’s proof that you’ve changed. That you’ve grown.” She sighs and pushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear as she looks directly at Toni. “That’s what my new therapist keeps telling me anyway.You’re not that person anymore, Toni. And even if you were...none of that makes you a bad person. And maybe she was scared and reacted in the moment or maybe she thought she was doing the best for both of you...I don’t know. But I know she isn’t scared of you. She doesn’t think you’re a monster. And neither do we.”

Toni swallows thickly and nods. “That’s my point. I lived with that feeling for  _ months.  _ Feeling like I was. Wishing I could have changed or evolved or whatever  _ before  _ I fucked it up with her.” Her eyes harden. “But today, she told me that she didn’t break up with me because of the fight. Or because I accidentally hit her. Or even because of my temper. She dumped me because she’s scared to come out.” She sighs. “And the thing is, I get it. I don’t even blame her for that part. Because everyone has to do what they need to do to sort their own shit out in their own time. To feel safe. To be ready. But she...she never told me why. She dumped me that night and let me believe it was because of me and not because the things those guys said to her scared her. She was scared of it happening again. She was scared to be seen with me...as an out lesbian.” She laughs humorlessly. “She had every right to be mad at what I did to her. How I reacted that night. But her reason wasn’t my temper, or even who  _ I am _ . It was always about her.” 

Toni runs her hands through her hair and starts physically shaking. Maybe from anger, or the cold, or maybe she’s trying to stop the full body sob that’s threatening to come, Shelby doesn’t know. But she watches her and she never felt the need to hold her more. So she does. And Toni lets her. She collapses into her and starts crying.

“I want to hate her. For not talking to me. For letting me believe a lie. For letting me hate myself for so long for something she never blamed me for at all.” She whispers between whimpers. “But...I don’t. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she hates herself so much that she let it ruin something that was really good. Something that I know she wanted.” Toni looks at Shelby with pleading eyes. “How can someone hate themselves so much, that they push people away…people who love them?” She clings to Toni. “I...I did that for years...with Mrs. Blackburn. Why do I hate myself so much? Why don’t I know how to love me?”

Leah and Fatin surround them. They are clutching each other so thoroughly that Shelby can scarcely tell where she ends and they begin. And...in that moment, that thought brings her comfort. They are one...all of them. Together. She is not alone. Neither is Toni.

“You love yourself enough to let her adopt you now. You love yourself enough to let us in. You love yourself enough to fall...and trust us to catch you. It may feel new to you...but it’s always been there. It’s been in your strength...in your tenacity to survive. It’s been in your love for Martha and how you protect her. It’s been in your easy acceptance of Leah and your forgiveness of me. Love has always been there, Toni. And it always will be. You just have to see it. Let yourself feel it.”

“And in the meantime...when you’re unsure of how to love yourself...let us love you. We’ll show you how.” Leah adds.

“Fuck...how do I top that?” Fatin says as she burrows into them further and wipes her wet face on the back of Leah’s shirt.

“That’s what she said.” Toni sniffles and the girls laugh.

They stay like that, embracing each other. Seeking comfort in each other.

“If we’re talking about things we most regret…” Fatin ventures. “I’ve got a doozy. I’ve never told a soul this but...I found out my dad was cheating by seeing all the dick pics he sent his mistresses...so I forwarded them to everyone in his contact list.”

“You what?!?!?!” Leah stares at her with wide eyes. “I’m impressed, but also slightly terrified.”

“Hey...this is a judgment free circle.”

“Of course it is. Sorry.”

“So...that’s how your mom found out?” Toni asks.

“No, she already knew. They were already in the process of separating, they just never told us.” Fatin shrugs. “Turns out I’m not a fan of secrets and lies either. But I know now that hurting my mom and brother just to spite my father was not healthy or right. And I don’t want to be the kind of person who hurts the people I love.”

“You aren’t.” Leah says adamantly. “Maybe that’s who you were...but since I’ve known you, you have been nothing but thoughtful, respectful, and good. You’re  _ good,  _ Fatin.”

Shelby knows this is the perfect time for her confession and she prays for the courage to do so. But she can’t open her mouth to say the words.

“How about you, Leah? What’s your biggest regret?” Toni asks quietly.

“Me? Oh, I have no regrets. I’ve lived a perfect life.” Leah tells them with a smirk.

“Ha!” Fatin says and slaps her. “But you’re entitled to your secrets.”

Leah sighs. “Honestly? You all know everything about me. You know my worst and...to know that you’re still here...that you still love me...thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without any of you.”

“My biggest regret…” Shelby takes a deep breath and releases it shakily. Her eyes are watering already. She wasn’t even this scared of coming out. Maybe because she had everything to gain then and everything to lose now. “Back in Texas...my dad caught me kissing my best friend. I tried to make up an excuse, lie, tell him it was one time and that I wasn’t a lesbian. I even...I even blamed her. Said  _ she  _ kissed  _ me.  _ Which wasn’t the truth, at all. He said awful things...threatened me with a conversion camp and then planned to move us all here. My regret is...in my fear...in an attempt to protect myself...I threw Rebecca under the bus. I...I bullied her. Said  _ really  _ awful things. Told her I wasn’t like her. I could  _ never  _ be like her.” She feels their arms tighten around her. “I pushed her into taking her own life. I did that and I can never apologize to her. I can’t take it back. I...I killed her. Sure as if I used my own hand to do it.”

“Shelby…” Toni’s breath is hot against her neck and it causes her to shiver. “You couldn’t have known. No judgment, I promise. You can’t change the past...you can’t take back what you did or said...but look where you are now? You were able to say the words. You told a whole room full of people...even Regan couldn’t do that and she has less to lose than you do. You were brave. And you regret it...because, like Leah said...you’ve evolved. You’ve grown so much. You’d never do that now. I’ve seen how accepting you are. How loving and kind.” Shelby swears she feels Toni’s lips brush against her temple, and she tries not to dwell on it. “And I may have turned over a new leaf, but if your dad  _ ever  _ tries to send you to a conversion camp I will literally beat his ass.”

“Me too.” Leah tells her sincerely.

“I’ll cyber-stalk him and expose all of the skeletons from his own closet.” Fatin declares with pride. “No regrets.”

And Shelby actually laughs. She is relieved that they don’t hate her. That they forgive her. And Toni...she...she didn’t dismiss it. Didn’t let her off easy by ignoring the severity of what she did. She did a step better...she acknowledged it was wrong, but recognizes that Shelby isn’t that person anymore. She believes in her. Trusts her. And she’s still holding her. She hasn’t scared her away. She’s still here. They are _ all  _ still here.

Shelby lets herself cry as relief continues to wash over her. She lets them hold her and revels in their warmth, their strength, their love.

She doesn’t know how long they’re sitting there before Leah breaks the silence. “We should get a group photo.”

“I look hideous.” Shelby says wiping at her tear-stained face that she’s sure is red and blotchy.

“You could never.” Toni admonishes and it makes her heart beat faster.

“Shit...my phone’s in the car. Fatin, can I borrow yours?” Leah asks and Fatin instantly relinquishes it.

Seconds later, Leah is off the ground and a good distance away. Fatin’s eyes widen. 

“You bitch! I can’t believe I fell for that!” She’s chasing her.

“Toni! Stop Fatin! Best friend code!” Leah yells and Toni does as she’s told much to Fatin’s disdain.

They are wrestling on the ground with Fatin slapping at her and Toni laughing. Shelby can’t help laughing at the scene so she grabs her own phone and snaps a few pictures.

“You don’t even have anyone’s name...they’re all nicknames.” Leah frowns. “Please tell me I’m not  _ Shit Face. _ ”

“That’s Dorothy.” Fatin tells her.

Leah’s frown deepens. “Then who’s  _ Soulmate _ ? I assumed that was Dot.”

Toni laughs harder than Shelby has ever seen her. Fatin is scrambling to straddle her and covers her mouth with her hand.

“Who’s Nerd?” Leah continues.

“Nora.”

“And...oh...Pressed Lemon has to be Shelby.”

“Hey! I’m not a repressed lesbian.” Shelby whines.

“Used to be.” Fatin smirks. “Eww, gross!” She removes her hand from Toni’s mouth. “I can’t believe you actually licked me.”

Toni’s laughing but in between her ragged breaths, she looks at Shelby and says. “You’re actually doing your homework, I’m impressed.”

Shelby blushes and smiles at her.

“Okay...but who’s  _ Hottie? _ ”

“Toni. Short for Hothead.”

“Sure…” Toni smirks and drawls out. “You have the hots for me.”

“I do not!”

“She doesn’t. She has the hots for someone though…” Shelby says. “Soulmate?”

Fatin stares at Leah with so much vulnerability as she pleads. “Please...just...can I have my phone back?”

Leah’s entire demeanor softens and she hands it over. “I guess we’re even now.”

Fatin nods and smiles at her softly. “So...how about that group pic?”

Fatin and Toni sit up properly and put their arms around each other. Leah kneels behind Toni and hugs her from behind. Shelby crawls over to cuddle into Toni’s other side and smiles brightly. She holds Toni close and her body tingles everywhere that they're touching. She is acutely aware of her fingers pressing against Toni’s bare skin where her shirt has ridden up slightly. Her hip burns where Toni’s hand is resting on her jeans, just below the belt. 

Fatin snaps a few pictures, then sends them to each of the girls. Shelby stares at the photos on her phone and can’t contain the smile. She wants to save a picture as her lock screen, but knows it isn’t safe.  _ Yet. _ But if she crops one of the pictures so that it’s just her and Toni...who will ever know?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just Leah's POV. It's already decent sized and next chapter (Martha's POV) is going to be long enough on it's own so I split it up rather than make you wait until I finish a longer one. Figured you wouldn't mind :)

The ride back from the park is quiet, as presumably each girl is stuck in their own mind. Leah knows she is. She never felt closer to anyone than she did these three girls. And she's reflecting on why that doesn't terrify her the way she thought it should. She'd been alone most of her life. She used to prefer her own mind to reality...but now, sometimes her mind plagued her and she found an escape in the real world and among her friends. It’s a very nice change and she still can't believe she made it here. She made it to them.

"Um...guys?" Shelby whispers quietly from the back seat so Leah turns around to acknowledge her.

Toni is asleep and her head is resting on Shelby's shoulder and the blonde is staring at her with wide eyed panic.

"What do I do?" She asks anxiously.

Leah takes a picture with her phone and smirks at her. "You'll thank me later."

Shelby rolls her eyes, but then smiles softly so Leah snaps another picture.

"Send me that one." Shelby tells her.

"What am I missing? I'm missing shit and it ain't fair." Fatin says from the driver's seat.

"Shhh." Leah urges her. "Toni's sleeping."

"Okay? Not seeing the problem." Fatin replies quietly.

Leah turns her phone toward her to show her the picture and Fatin glances at it briefly. Her entire face softens. And Leah grins in response.

"Seriously though...I'm freaking out a bit. Do you know how hard it is already for me to look at her and not shove her against a wall and kiss her?" Shelby is completely stressed and Leah finds it charming. "I mean...sometimes I know I should be listening to the words she's saying...but instead I realize I'm just staring at her lips. I have a problem...and  _ this _ ...knowing how her newly showered hair smells or how soft she is or how safe I make her feel that she can fall asleep and trust me to hold her...I cannot handle this." She sighs. "But also. I don't want it to stop. I want more of this all the time."

"Dude...girl, you have it bad." Fatin laughs unhelpfully.

"Have you tried...oh, I don't know...telling her how you feel?" Leah wonders, knowing that it will be well received since Toni is crushing on her, too. 

She wants to be encouraging without breaking Toni's confidence.

"Right. Like it's that easy!" Shelby hisses at her. "Girls are...delicate."

"Yeah they are!" Fatin laughs suggestively and Leah slaps her playfully while suppressing a smile.

"You're not helping."

"Sorry." Fatin replies instantly and then addresses Shelby. "Maybe wait a little bit...see where she’s at after tonight. Like...in her head and stuff. But Leah's right. You may have to woman up on this one."

Leah watches Shelby process that. 

A multitude of emotions cross her features before she settles on what looks like resignation. 

"If I learned anything from tonight it's that I won't let anything keep me from pursuing her...but also…" She sighs. "I need to figure out my own shit and...I need to deal with my dad. Not right away...but I won't live in fear anymore and...I need to prove that to her. Let her see by my actions and not my words. She needs to know that she is it for me. And that I will fight for us. For her."

Leah nods at her proudly and glances at Fatin who is smiling softly as well.

“I knew you’d be good for her.” Fatin says as she slows to a stop in Martha’s driveway. “Thanks for not making me regret rooting for you.”

Shelby beams proudly at the compliment. Or in the very least, Fatin’s version of one.

Martha is waiting for them when they pulled in to drop Toni off. Shelby nudges Toni to try to wake her and moans loudly when Toni burrows further into her. Fatin laughs, but when Shelby pleads for someone to “Please help”--Leah takes pity on her and gets out of the car to help her.

Martha watches her with confusion.

“Toni fell asleep.” Leah tells her as she opens the back door.

“Oh, let me do it then. She...she doesn’t like it when she falls asleep somewhere unexpectedly, she...she may be scared.” Martha tells her quietly and Leah’s heart breaks for her best friend even more. “It’s a safety thing. She needs to know she’s safe before she usually let’s herself relax.”

Leah and Shelby share a concerned look and Shelby replies to Martha, “Isn’t it a good thing then...that she trusted us enough to...you know?” 

Martha nods. “Of course...but also, Regan told me what happened and...it’s hard to tell. She may have just been emotionally exhausted.”

“She seemed okay at the park, but was really quiet on the ride back.” Leah tells her as Fatin get out of the car. 

Martha nods again and climbs halfway in the car to nudge Toni awake.

“Toni?” She whispers. “You have to wake up, we’ve got to get you inside.”

“I don’t wanna…” Toni grumbles as she stirs awake, but her eyes are still closed.

“The girls have to get home. And...I think Shelby might need the use of her arm again.” Martha tells her fondly.

Shelby blushes, although only Leah seems to notice. Toni slowly opens her eyes and takes in her unusual surroundings with wide eyes as she jumps and starts to panic.

“It’s okay...you’re in Fatin’s car.” Martha tells her calmly before adding. “You’re safe.”

“Safe.” Toni repeats slowly. Quietly. Then nods. 

She seems to calm down almost instantly and looks at Shelby apologetically. “Sorry I fell asleep on you. I hope I didn’t drool. Martha says I do when I sleep, but I have yet to confirm it otherwise.”

Leah grins when Shelby just stares at Toni speechlessly.

Toni’s already out of the car when Shelby finally musters a haphazard “S'okay.”

Toni doesn’t say anything else as she walks into the house without saying goodbye to any of them.

“So...I don’t know what that means for her mood.” Leah comments as her eyes trail from the closed front door of the house back to Martha.

“Believe it or not, her silence is a good thing. It's how she processes. She just needs some time."

“I hope you’re right.” Shelby says.

“Regan called you?” Fatin asks Martha.

“She did right after school to let me know what was said and warn me about keeping an eye on her...she was worried. She said you all were with her, so I wasn’t at helicopter mom levels yet...but I was about to send out a group text.”

“Can we have like a full week drama free for once? Not that anything has been terrible, it’s just all been a lot to process.” Leah wonders.

“We’re having the party this weekend at my house. I can’t promise it’ll be drama free, but it should be a good time.” Fatin reminds them. 

Martha’s eyes widen. “Yes. The adoption should be finalized tomorrow! I’m so excited. I know Toni hates that we’re making a big deal out of it. Well, outwardly she hates it. But I know she’s happy. Excited even. I think she just needs it to be official so she can relax about it instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Martha sighs. “But...last night...she told me…”

“Martha?” Shelby prompts quietly when she trails off.

“She’s glad that she’ll be my sister. But she’s also heartbroken that her mom signed her rights away so willingly...she didn’t even ask to see Toni. She didn’t even want to say goodbye.”

“Fuck.” Fatin breathes out and Leah feels the same gut reaction.

“Some people don’t deserve to be parents.” Shelby spits out fiercely and Leah wonders idly if she is also talking about her own father.

Leah reaches for Shelby’s hand and the blonde squeezes it and smiles sadly at her.

“And her birthday is Tuesday.” Martha tells them conspiratorially. 

Fatin’s eyes light up. “I remember one year, we all went and played laser tag for her birthday. It was...before…”

Martha nods. “Yeah, and even then, her mom wasn’t going to celebrate so my mom planned it. But she didn’t want me to feel bad for my birthday so she let me have the petting zoo party.”

“Yes! Oh my god, that was so much fun!” Fatin replies excitedly. “And remember the year when Nora and Rachel had the bounce house?”

“It was because of that party that I begged my mom to get a trampoline.” Martha says with excitement, before her entire demeanor changes and Leah wonders why.

“Oh, sweetie.” Fatin says hugging her.

Leah frowns and glances at Shelby to see a matching frown on her face.

“Did we miss something?” Leah asks.

“The trampoline...is how I...when I fell…” Martha trails off and Leah’s eyes widen. She gets it. Her abuser had been her physical therapist. 

The silence that surrounds them is tense. Eventually, Martha nervously looks toward the house.

“I’m going to go…” She gestures toward the front door before turning back toward them. “Mom wanted me to ask if your mom wants her to bring anything specific for the party. She’s bringing chocolate cake, Toni’s favorite. And Indian tacos.”

Fatin smiles and shakes her head. “We’re catering everything. So no need. And don't worry, I also made sure my mom added mussels to the list for Toni." Fatin says and then locks her gaze on Shelby with a smirk. "Maybe you should take up her offer to show you how to eat them...consider it practice…"

"Or foreplay." Leah adds with a matching smirk.

Shelby blushes and rolls her eyes. "I hate you both."

"You don't though." Fatin refutes easily.

Martha is looking at them with confusion. Shelby turns toward her with a frown and shrugs.

"I'm allergic." She tells her and adds unnecessarily. "To shellfish."

Fatin laughs and Martha gives Shelby a sympathetic look. 

"Well, we should get going. Text us if you need us...if she…" Leah attempts and is interrupted by Martha's nod.

"I will. But don't worry, she'll be okay. She has all of us.”

Shelby squeezes Martha's shoulder sympathetically and Martha smiles at her.

"Oh, hey. Shelby?" Martha breathes out awkwardly.

"Yeah?"

"Would you...I was wondering if you'd do my make-up before the dance. Saturday morning…"

Shelby is already smiling as she nods. "Yes, of course!"

Martha smiles so genuinely that her entire face lights us. The interaction makes Leah smile.

They hug Martha goodbye and leave for the night. 

Leah has trouble sleeping that night with so many thoughts going through her head. When she wakes up the next morning, she’s tired and still feels drained. There isn’t much she can do to ease Toni’s pain, or even Martha’s. But she also has Regan on her mind, so she finds her at her locker as soon as she gets to school. Regan seems surprised to see her, but smiles hesitantly anyway.

"Hey...so...I didn't know Toni hit you until last night. And...You left a relationship that had the potential to be harmful for you. Whether from Toni herself or outside of that and I wanted to tell you...as someone who was almost destroyed by a toxic relationship, how brave I think that is and how proud of you I am. Toni's my best friend, and I know she's changed and regrets so much of that night...but you couldn't have known that. And you shouldn’t have had to deal with it. You protected yourself and that’s a good thing. Also, in case you were worried, none of us hate you. For me, at least, it’s the opposite."

Regan’s eyes mist over as she stares at her with astonishment. Then she adds hesitantly, "Not even Fatin?"

Leah smiles. "She's softer than all of us. I doubt she could never hate anyone. So just...don't be so hard on yourself. Okay?"

Regan smiles at her and nods before her eyes drift off behind Leah and widen slightly. Leah turns around and sees Toni approaching them. She looks smaller than Leah has ever seen her. Not the larger than life basketball star. Or the hilariously confident person who flirts with Fatin. Or even the strong and steady best friend she has come to know. She looks hollow. She looks scared. And it looks like she hasn’t slept at all the night before either.

She shares a quick “Hello” and glances at Leah before she fully addresses Regan.

"I'm sorry. Again. For how I reacted yesterday...and for that night. I get it. I understand now and I'm sorry it took so long. But...you never have to apologize or explain yourself when you did what you thought was right for you...to keep yourself safe. From those guys  _ and _ from me. I should have kept you safe, that was something I failed at, not you. And you walking away...no matter how much you loved me...that was brave. You're stronger than you think. And better than you know. And...I didn't realize at the time because of my own shit, but you did the right thing. For both of us.” She pauses as she looks at her with wide, sincere eyes and a soft smile. “Look how far we've come? You're in the GSA and you make people feel safe and valued.  _ You _ do that. And I've grown a lot. Or I'd like to think I have. And it sucks because maybe if we found each other at a different time, when we were both ready--things would be different. But...I don't ever want you to hate yourself...not for standing up for yourself. You might not be ready to accept certain things about yourself yet, but you already love yourself more than I ever loved myself. I never used to care what happened to me. I figured no one else would care either.” She pauses to let out a ragged breath as her last words quiver a bit. But when she refocuses, her voice is strong and firm. “But you cared enough to break your own heart. You knew what you could handle and you knew you deserved better. You didn't just take it. And you didn't take any of your self doubts out on anyone else. You were always thoughtful and kind--which honestly is the most badass thing of all. Please know that. Please see it. And of course I still want to be friends with you. To be in your life. But only when you're ready or if you still want me." 

Toni stares at Regan with so much vulnerability that Leah has to touch her. She tries to give her some of her own strength, and reaches over to pull her into a one armed hug. She relaxes when Toni falls into her easily. 

Regan sighs and nods. “Of course I want you in my life. There has never been a time that I didn’t…” She bites her lip. “I appreciate your apology and the things you said. Thank you for taking the time to understand where I was coming from.” She looks nervous. “You weren’t the only one beating yourself up over it. I was second guessing myself and being so hard on myself. I worried that instead of trusting my instincts...that I was just finding a way to self-sabotage us so that I wouldn’t have to admit…” She sighs again and runs her hands through her hair. “But I’m starting to see the difference...between fear of who I am...and actual fear. And to be completely honest, that night...it was both. I hated to admit it, but yes, what you did scared me. But I  _ can _ admit that now. Because I do know that I was right in leaving, and I’ve seen the change in you. I was telling you the truth when I told you I wasn’t scared of you. I’m not.”

_ Anymore.  _ It is left unsaid, but they all heard it. And Toni nods in acceptance and understanding. 

“So...friends?” Toni offers.

Regan smiles at her in return. “Friends.”

She steps forward, toward Toni hesitantly. Toni nods and they hug. 

Fatin approaches the scene with her eyebrows raised but quickly recovers. Leah notices the "Bye Girl Bye" tank top she's wearing and it makes her smile. It appears abrasive and aloof; two things Leah knows now are the opposite of Fatin in every way. And it just endears her to the Leah even more.

"Morning Bitches!" Fatin greets them all with a smile and Regan awkwardly detaches herself from Toni as she wipes at her watery eyes.

Dot appears moments later and smiles and greets them all happily until her gaze lands on Fatin's shirt and she frowns.

"You know how I feel about that particular shirt." Dot tells her with a frown.

Fatin smirks. "I do. I was actually thinking as I got dressed this morning...'what is the best way I can pissed off Dorothy today?' And voila!"

Leah laughs and Dot shakes her head.

"Good to know I'm on your mind when you get dressed."

Fatin rolls her eyes. "Maybe if I was on your mind when you got dressed, you'd rethink those cargo pants."

Dot frowns. "You know I like the storage!"

Leah stares at her. "What exactly do you need the storage for?"

Dot smiles. "Glad you asked!" She starts pulling random stuff out of the pockets. 

Her wallet. A lighter. And bag of Takis that she surrenders readily to Toni, who instantly opens them and starts sharing them among the group. But Dot is still pulling stuff out of her pockets. A phone charger. Some loose change. A roll of quarters. A few rubber bands. Matches...which along with the lighter seems redundant to Leah. And...

"Batteries?" She asks with laughter. 

Dot shrugs. "Never know when you may need them."

Fatin's eyes widen. "I could use those actually. My electric toothbrush died this morning."

Toni smirks at her. "Toothbrush, huh?"

Leah and Dot laugh as Fatin rolls her eyes. "Yes! Dental hygiene is very important to me."

Leah shares a look with Regan, who's been following the conversation quietly. She's smiling with contentment and Leah believes she'll be okay. She'll make sure she is. Regan is part of her family and she'll do what it takes to make her realize how much she matters. Leah’s just glad to know that they all will be okay. As a group, and individually. She doesn’t know what she’d do if that weren’t the case. Every single one of them is a valuable part of their group and would be missed.

The bell rings and sends them scattering. Leah walks with Toni to class slowly, so they are out of earshot of the others.

"I'm proud of you...for seeing her side and not letting your heartbreak or pain keep you from being the friend she could use right now." Leah leans into Toni and whispers on their way to class.

Toni shrugs. "Turns out when you finally accept yourself as you are then you can change for real. For good." She looks at Leah sincerely. "And I  _ am _ trying." She swallows hard. "I've been in violent and abusive homes. I never want to be that way, especially to the people I love. And it may have been an accident and I'll spend my life regretting it...but I can recognize now that my temper and unchecked anger was always going to lead me down that path. And it's not a path I want to be on."

Leah grabs her arm gently to stop her so they can face each other rather than continue to walk. 

"I'm glad she left me and I am even kind of glad now...that she never told me why back then. Because thinking it was only about me and my behavior is what got me to change. And she deserved to know that she did the right thing...by both of us."

Leah nods. "And we'll all be there for her as she hopefully starts to trust herself and learn to love herself. I mean, look how far Shelby came when she realized she didn't have to do it all alone."

She knows the same can be said for herself and Toni. And many of the others as well. She wants the same for Regan. When she thinks about all that Shelby has endured and sees the effort she's making in hope of love...to be loved, but more importantly, to allow herself to love someone. To love  _ a girl _ . Leah feels a little flicker of hope ignite in her own chest. She plans to fan the flame. She wants it to strengthen. To ignite. Because just maybe, she's ready to start to believe in love again. She knows what the real kind looks like this time. She sees it in her friends. She sees it when Shelby looks at Toni. And now, she sees it in the way that, maybe for the first time, Toni has started to love herself. 

Maybe that's what was missing for Leah all along. To love herself enough to not settle for attention or obsession. She needs to love herself enough to know that she deserves to be loved the way her friends love her. Without condition, without judgment, but with compassion and a steady stream of realism. They know the worst in each other and they don't flinch away or close their eyes to it--they acknowledge it. They understand that to err is human, but to evolve and grow and try to be better next time...that is humanity at its finest. 

When they all attend Toni’s basketball game later that afternoon, Leah notices that Regan is wearing one of her Gay Pride Flag pins discreetly under her jacket. She smiles at her, but doesn’t comment on it. 

Regan leans in to her and whispers. “I...may not be ready to say the words to the world yet. Or anyone, really. But I can finally admit to myself...and, well, you.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m gay.”

It’s barely above a whisper. But it’s the first time Regan has ever said the words out loud, and maybe even admitted them in her own mind so Leah is beyond proud of her.

“Can I please hug you now?” Leah asks.

Regan smiles shyly at her. “Yes, of course.”

Leah holds her for all she’s worth. “I am so fucking proud of you, you have no idea.” Then she steps away and looks at her intently. “You never owe anyone fuckng anything. Okay. You don’t owe your truth to a fucking soul. But...when you _ are _ ready, I know about a dozen other people who will want to hug the shit out of you and celebrate all that you are.”

Regan’s smile lights up her entire face. “Thank you, Leah. I don’t think you realize what an inspiration you are. To me. And Shelby. And the others. You literally didn’t even realize you were gay until recently and the way you have embraced yourself so whole-heartedly and so damn openly. I don’t know if you know what you mean to the GSA...you’re like...you’re the glue that got us all together. You got Toni back with her friends. You got Shelby to come out. Your presence...your strength and acceptance and bravery and wisdom and friendship…you’re pretty fucking amazing and you should be celebrated, too.”

Leah is full out crying now, which makes Regan cry. 

“Now look what you made me do!” She says laughing through the sobs as she wipes at her eyes. 

They sit down and take in the moment in a companionable silence. It’s half-time and the crowd is loud and rambunctious because their team is winning. But that’s not why Leah’s so flustered. She is humming with excitement because she has spent the last couple of months reminding her friends how much they matter. Showing them that she sees them and that she is so happy they exist. And tonight, in this moment, she realizes that they’ve been continuously doing the same for her. She’s no longer invisible, whether by choice or circumstance. She is seen. And she never wants to be unseen again.

She flinches momentarily when Fatin’s hand on her knee startles her. Fatin removes it instantly and looks at her apologetically.

“Sorry, I was just...are you okay?” Fatin asks.

Leah nods and smiles at her. She tugs Fatin’s hand back and holds it in both of hers as the third quarter starts and Toni runs down the court.

“I’m okay. Better than okay.” Leah squeezes Fatin’s hand and looks away from Toni into Fatin’s eyes. “Do you ever...think...or wonder...how…” She sighs, trying to find the right words. “Sometimes, you collide with a person...or people...and you just get this feeling that they might become important to you. Maybe it’s from a look or an act of kindness. Or maybe you just like the way your world feels when they’re in it.”

“Fuck…” Fatin groans breathlessly. “I mean, yeah. You said it more eloquently than I ever could. But yeah.”

Leah nods and looks at her group of friends with their “war paint” smeared across their cheeks. Martha’s wearing one of Toni’s old jerseys. Dot and Rachel are wearing visors with their team mascot on it. Nora’s blowing a whistle whenever the refs fail to call fouls on the other team. Shelby, Quinn, Oliver and McKenna are holding up signs and screaming for Toni whenever she has the ball. Regan’s got the foam hand this time. Fatin and Leah both have signs and visors as well, and Leah’s visor is on backward--just the way she likes it. They are a team. They are a support system. They are her people. The collision perhaps was destiny, or chance or luck, or whatever anyone wants to call it. But this family. This is her choice. Just like it’s Toni’s. Blood didn’t make you anything but related. 

“You guys. These idiots.” Leah looks at Fatin again and smiles brightly. “You’re my life.”

Fatin swallows audibly and nods. Then she grabs her sign when they hear Nora blow her whistle and see Toni fall to the floor.

“That was a fucking foul, ref! Go get your eyes checked!” Fatin screams at the top of her lungs.

Leah watches Shelby squeeze Dot’s hand as Toni slowly stands up and shakes her leg out. Then she smiles at them and waves to let them know she’s fine. And she is. She plays her best game to date and Leah has never been more proud. Not of her prowess on the court, but of her development as a human being. Especially when she runs up to them after the game with a smile from ear to ear.

“Guess how’s officially adopted today?!?!?!” 

She must have gotten the news during halftime, because neither she or Martha mentioned it before. Leah knew it was coming, but she wanted to wait for the official word. Martha jumps onto her and holds her tightly, which makes Toni and a few of the others laugh.

“I can’t believe mom told you first.” Martha chastises.

“That’s because I’m her favorite.” Toni grins. 

Toni excitedly hugs their whole group and then they go out to dinner together to celebrate both wins. Leah takes tons of pictures all night. But her favorite is one with Martha and Toni just leaning into each other, foreheads pressed together, looking at each other like they are sharing a secret. Or perhaps, something better. They are sharing a life. And they are letting everyone else get a glimpse of it. 

Toni stands up and taps the table for everyone’s attention. “Here’s to Martha! My person and now...my  _ sister _ .” She lets them all cheer before she continues. “Thanks for putting up with my ass all these years. I know I didn’t make it easy. But I sure as hell hope I made it worth it.”

“You did.” Martha beams as she rolls her eyes fondly. “Sometimes.”

Toni laughs and so does everyone else. “And tomorrow, we get to support this bad ass lady as she shows you all what she can do. All I do is dribble a damn ball...wait till you see this girl dance!”

Cheers fill up the room and they all laugh and clap happily. Leah can’t wait for tomorrow. She’s no longer living in the past. She’s no longer missing out on the present. And for the first time ever, she has things she’s truly looking forward to. Regan was wrong when she said that Leah is the glue. Toni...Toni is the one that found Leah--befriended her. Maybe they all need each other equally. She knows that they take turns inspiring each other. And she’s happy that she gets to do her part, even if she never realized what she meant to Regan and the others. She does now. And she intends to continue trying to help them be brave enough to love themselves as much as she desperately loves them. And that’s the thing about love. You let a little in...and it grows. It has the capacity to grow into something beautiful....not just warp into something toxic. And that is what truly gets her to let go. Let go of that fear and self-doubt. Let go of the pain of the past. Let go of everything until the only thing left in her heart is love. For these people. For her parents. And for herself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for references of sexual abuse. This is all Martha's POV but there is a lot of fluff! So be prepared :)
> 
> Next chapter will be Toni's birthday and her POV...

Martha is happy to see Shelby bright and early the next morning. Toni and the rest of the kids are still asleep, her mom’s making breakfast and her dad’s not home from his cross country truck driving trip. So it’s just Shelby and Martha.

“Your dress is beautiful. I can’t wait to see you in it.” Shelby says when they get in Martha’s bedroom. 

“Thank you.”

Martha watches as Shelby walks around the room, taking it in. There’s a bunch of photos framed and unframed that Shelby seems to be studying.

“Leah took these...didn’t she?” Shelby asks as she picks up one of the most recent ones. 

It’s one of the core eight. As Martha has taken to calling them. The original five friends from childhood, plus Dot, Leah and Shelby.

“She did. She keeps surprising us with them. She told me she took a great one of me and Toni last night that she plans to frame for us.”

“That’s sweet. She’s sweet.”

Martha nods. “She is.”

Shelby turns around and looks at her. “You don’t sound too convincing.”

Martha blushes and sits on her bed. “I’m being stupid. Just a bit jealous of how close Toni and Leah are getting. I don’t want to be replaced.”

“You could never.” Shelby tells her emphatically. “You’re her person.”

“Yeah.”

“I consider you my best friend. Nora, Rachel and I got pretty close, and I adore Leah and Fatin. But you will always be my favorite.”

Martha rolls her eyes. “And where does Toni fit in?”

“Well...she…” Shelby avoids eye contact and picks up another framed picture.

“I missed you. Toward the end of last year, when we stopped hanging out.” Martha tells her.

Shelby turns, still holding the picture frame, and smiles sadly at Martha. “Me too. You were the first...the only friend I had when I moved up here. I was so lonely all summer.”

Martha nods. “I’m sorry you were alone.”

“Yeah...in the end it was worth it.” Shelby gestures at the picture of herself, Toni, Leah, Fatin and Martha. “I love this one.”

“What do you mean it was worth it. What was worth it?”

“It might sound trite...but…” She rolls her eyes at herself. “Everything. Everything in my life up until now...it’s not that I wouldn’t change anything because there is a ton I would change...but, I love where things are now. How things are now. I love…” She looks at the picture. “I feel like this picture right here...that you all  _ see  _ me.” She sighs and shakes her head. “I’m being sentimental already this morning. I just mean, that I love our whole group. But these, right here….you...you don’t see me as I am or even as I want to be. You help me see me. I didn’t have a clue who I was before I met y’all. I thought I did, but I really had no idea. You helped me find her. Me.”

“Oh, Shelby…” Martha wants to hug her, but before she can she’s interrupted by Toni rushing into the room with jeans and a bra on. 

“Hey, Martha, have you seen my hoodie?”

The thud of the picture frame Shelby was holding hitting the ground makes Toni stop in her tracks. 

“Shit...Shelby. I didn’t realize you were here.” She looks down and picks up the frame and hands it to Shelby who is trying to avoid looking at Toni at all. “Have you seen it?” Toni turns back to Martha. “My favorite hoodie?”

“Um...maybe under the bed? Or in with the dirty laundry if you can’t find it in your room.” Martha offers as she stars at Shelby with furrowed eyebrows.

Toni lays on the floor and looks under the bed. “Found it!” She stands up and puts it on. “What brings you here this early? I thought we were all meeting at noon.”

Toni is addressing Shelby, who finally shakes her head and puts the frame back on the desk with shaky hands. Toni glances at Martha with a frown and Martha shrugs because she doesn’t know what has Shelby so spooked. She has an idea, but isn’t sure.

“Martha’s make-up.” She clears her throat and tries again. “Martha asked me to help her with her make-up. So, here I am.” She adds to the awkwardness enveloping them by giving Toni jazz hands and then abruptly slaps her arms to her sides and clenches her fists.

“Here you are.” Toni repeats playfully, with a smirk. “Well, have fun. I’m going to devour some delicious chocolate chip pancakes before I have to share them with the kiddos.”

She exits the room with a faux salute, and Martha is left mesmerized by the entire scene that just unfolded around her.

“So...you have the hots for Toni. Good to know.” Martha says into the silence once she’s sure Toni is out of range to hear them.

"Does everyone but Toni know?!?!?" Her eyes widen as she collapses on Martha’s bed. "Does she know? Is she just not interested?"

"Shelby, calm down." Martha cooes.

Eventually, Shelby calms and sits up to face Martha.

"She's not as oblivious as you think. It's just...she is great at acting cool and confident. Yes, she's a natural flirt. But...she...she's never actually made the first move. Regan was her first girlfriend...they were each other's first everything. But I had to push those idiots. Toni...she doesn't believe she's...she thinks she isn't good enough. That no one would actually want her...beyond sex. Like, she lets people use her if she thinks she deserves it. She and Regan even slept together a few times after the break-up. But..." Martha is quiet for a moment. "But even if she did want to make a move...even if she sees what's happening between you. You literally just came out. You have a lot you're going through. And she would never push you for anything she's worried you might not be ready for. Especially with what happened with Regan. She..."

Martha watches Shelby take it all in. The fact that Toni is interested. And Toni knows Shelby wants her. The realization that Toni's being cautious and respectful of Shelby's journey. And that she's likely worried Shelby will regret it, like Regan did. Or that Shelby could go back in the closet. 

Martha hugs her. “She’ll come around. I promise. But...Toni doesn’t put a lot of stock in words. If you’re sure about this...you’ll have to prove it to her in actions.”

Martha feels Shelby nod against her as she pulls her tighter.

“What if I don’t know how?”

“Just keep showing up.” Martha says. “That’s all I ever did.”

Shelby sighs and pushes away from Martha as she rolls her eyes. “That is certainly not all you ever did and we both know it.” She shakes her head. “And if it’s true...your bond took years. Your mom has literally wanted to adopt Toni for  _ years  _ and Toni just finally let her.”

“Are you saying Toni isn’t worth the wait?” Martha asks with a smirk.

Shelby shakes her head wildly. “I’m saying that God’s got a plan for all of us. And apparently, he’s trying to teach me patience.”

“It is a virtue.”

“I’ve never been the most...virtuous..in this particular instance.”

Martha laughs at that. “You’ll definitely need patience with Toni regardless, she finds a way to test you on  _ everything. _ ” 

“Don’t I know it.”

Martha smiles at her knowingly. She hadn’t known Shelby was gay until she came out, and she only just realized that Shelby was as into Toni as Toni was always into Shelby.

“I’m actually really excited for the possibility of you and Toni. My two favorite people ever.” Her eyes widen with excitement. “You might become my sister!”

Shelby’s eyes widen and her whole face goes red. “You need to slow down. Learn some patience of your own.”

They gossip idly for a while, filling each other in on any recent developments. Like Shelby’s massive crush on Toni and the crush Martha thinks she’s developing on Oliver.

“Really?!” Shelby is excited by that tidbit. “He’s so sweet. And cute. I approve.”

“There’s nothing to approve of. I barely ever said two words to him on my own, outside of club meetings. He probably doesn’t think of me that way.”

“Martha, you’re beautiful. And kind and genuine and intelligent and funny. He’d be lucky to have you.”

“But I’m also a survivor and ace, so…”

“He’s a survivor, too. Remember?” Shelby shrugs. “Besides, what does that have to do with anything? You’re not your past and you’re not what happened to you.”

Martha nods. “Yeah.”

“No, listen to me. This isn’t something you can brush off. I’m being serious. You’re a good person, Martha, and anyone can see that.”

Martha doesn’t argue. Instead, she lets Shelby finish her make-up in silence. Then Shelby watches as Martha braids her own hair.

“Why didn’t we ever do this stuff last year? I don’t think I ever came over here.” Shelby says quietly.

“Would you have...if I’d asked.”

Shelby swallows. “Honestly, I’m not sure.”

Martha nods. “That one time we paired up for an assignment, we met up in the library. I was never at your house either.”

“I’m not...ashamed. Of you. Or even me anymore. I’m ashamed of them. I’d feel awful if they said something to you or to any of our friends. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of. I can take it...I just want to protect you all.”

Martha finishes with one of her braids and looks at her through the mirror. “You shouldn’t have to take it, Shelby. Parents...they shouldn’t make you scared to be yourself. They shouldn’t make you have to hide who you are.”

“I know.”

Martha continues with her hair. When she’s done, she looks at Shelby face to face. “You always have a place here...but mom might make you sleep in my room and not Toni’s.” She smiles at her with as much innocence as she can muster and Shelby bursts out laughing, even as her face reddens.

“You’re awful. And you’re supposed to be the nice one!” She tells her with a pout.

Some of their friends arrive to carpool, the rest of those going all plan to meet at the location. The carpool caravan consists of Leah, Dot and her dad, Shelby, Toni and the rest of Martha’s family.

Leah takes a few posed pictures of Martha when she’s finished getting ready. 

“Look at little Miss Blackburn all grown up. I remember when you used to pick flowers on the soccer field.” Dot’s dad says when he and Dot arrive.

Martha blushes. “I can’t believe you remember. Toni I get because she was the leading scorer. But…”

“Are you kidding? You were always my favorite. You didn’t seem to care about what all the other kids were doing, as long as there were dandelions to pick.” He smiles. “I always admired that about you, the rebel.”

Toni laughs. “I remember that! Those were my favorite days growing up. You’d take us for ice cream even if we lost. Which we hardly ever did, because we were awesome.”

“Remember Fatin would kick the other kids’ shins if they teased Martha for not participating? Or when she did...using her hands!” Dot says excitedly.

“Fatin? I’d assume Toni would be the spitfire.” Shelby comments as she bumps her hips against Toni playfully.

“Oh, no, Toni was a dream. She took her aggression out by scoring. Rubbed it in their faces with that dance she did.”

Toni blushes at that. 

“There’s a dance? I need to see this dance!” Leah says with gleeful mirth in her eyes.

“Oh, yes, there was a dance.” Martha’s mom adds. “It was so cute. She would point to whoever assisted in the goal and they would fall down and what was it they did...the dead bug…” She’s laughing and so is Dot’s dad.

“Yes, Dead Bug!”

“And then Toni would...she’d break into the Macarena.” Dot smirks.

“I did that one time! Usually I did the moonwalk.” She demonstrates by doing it now and everyone laughs with her.

Shelby rests her hand on Toni’s shoulder when she recovers from laughing, and Martha is aware that everybody notices.

“God, I miss those days.” Dot’s dad says.

“Me too.” Martha admits. “Sometimes, I wish I never quit soccer to dance.”

The group falls silent for a moment, all of them realizing the significance of her statement. 

“That’s right...I heard…” Dot’s dad looks at her not with pity, but with compassion. And it’s a very nice change from how others tend to look at her so she smiles at him gratefully.

“We won the championship the year after you quit though...coincidence....I think not.” Toni teases to lighten the mood and Martha is glad to get the attention off her even though she pretends to be offended.

“I think the coincidence is more that Rachel joined the team that year.” Martha teases back.

They settle into a happy chatter after that and Dot tugs Martha and Toni off to the side.

“I didn’t think you remembered...you never mentioned…” She says trailing off.

“We adore your dad, but weren’t sure you wanted us to bring it up. We didn’t want to make you sad.” Martha tells her. 

“We thought we were following your lead.” Toni adds.

“Plus, I only played one year. I didn’t think you’d remember me.” Martha tells her.

Dot rolls her eyes. “I always did. You were my favorite part of the team. What dad said is true, we used to talk about you. I used to talk about you all the time. I think that’s how he knew I wasn't straight back when I was seven...way before I even had to come out to him.”

Martha is surprised. Not only that Dot remembered her, but that she thought so fondly of her.

“I wish I played longer too, mom was starting to get into drugs at the time and would forget to take me to games. So eventually I had to quit, too.” Toni offers the information freely, which Martha is proud of her for. “I always treasured those days though. And eventually, Rachel and I competed for  _ everything _ . Which should have made us hate each other, but it’s what made us friends. We were always pushing each other.”

“How long was Fatin on the team? I sometimes forget she played.” Martha wonders. 

“Three years. Probably until her parents found out she was better at cello.” Dot says.

“Do you ever wonder...if...like what if we all played together all through school and never stopped being friends, what would have happened to all of us? We never hung out outside of soccer, I never knew why.” Toni ponders.

“I think about that every day.” Dot admits. “That was the closest I ever came to having friends. But as the coach's daughter, I wasn’t really the most popular. I think people thought I felt entitled to play or whatever. But I was damn good.”

“You were!” Toni agrees. “And I’m sorry. That I never made an effort.”

Dot shrugs. “Everything blew up for most of us a few years later. My parents’ divorce and...the rest of the shit you all had to deal with. Pretty sure we would have parted ways eventually anyway.”

“But we’re all here now.” Martha comments lightly. “And we’re going to be late if we don’t leave soon!”

“Right.” Dot shuffles awkwardly. “I wanted to say thank you, to you both. For letting him reminiscence. But also...for inviting him. It’s the first time he’s gotten out of the house in a year, and he may regret it tomorrow. But we both needed this. So much. I…” She rushes in toward them and hugs them both awkwardly and Martha makes sure to hug her back tightly.

Shelby basically hops over to them. “We’re deciding on the carpool situation.” She grabs Toni by the shoulders and pushes her toward her own car. “You always call shotgun, so I saved you the seat.”

Leah and Martha glance at each other as Toni allows herself to be manhandled by Shelby. It’s amusing to Martha that she’s being so pliant. Toni has always been ready for a fight. You could tell her the sky was blue and she’d argue with you. Stubbornness and rebelliousness were coded in her DNA. She hated authority or anyone telling her what to do. And here she is, letting Shelby tell her what to do without so much as a word to the contrary.

“Dad, we’re riding with them. This will be fun.” Dot says as she walks over to his wheelchair and helps him toward Shelby’s car.

Martha overhears him ask Dot, “So, she finally made a move then. I didn’t realize the Toni she talked about for ages was  _ this  _ Toni.” 

When Toni sees them approaching, she wiggles out of Shelby’s grasp and offers him the front seat which he so helpfully declines as he throws a wink at Shelby. She grins at him and then looks at Martha. 

“We’re going to squeeze in with my mom. You guys have fun.” Martha tells her and she nods. 

“So...Shelby no longer has any fucks to give. She’s just like…” Leah waves her hand in Shelby and Toni’s general direction. “I mean, good for her.” She sighs. “But to be a fly on the wall…”

“Dot will have to give us a recap later.”

Leah’s eyes light up. “Yes!”

Martha is happy for the ride to get to spend time with Leah one on one. She’s funny and smart and kind. And she regrets that she was jealous of her. 

She is terrified when they announce her name. She was positive until this moment that she wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Just being in the dress again...it makes her feel dirty. It reminds her of  _ him. _ He was right when he told her that whenever she dances she’d think of him. She has for years. And sometimes it made her better...just to spite him. To prove that she could dance again.

But other times, she spent nights trembling as the nightmares washed over her following a performance. She hated that he twisted something she loved into something she could come to fear. She hasn’t danced since the trial. Hasn’t even put on the dress. And now, she’s being expected to perform with a smile. She takes a deep breath and steadies herself. She wants to run away. She almost does. But she glances at them from backstage. The entire four rows of people here to support her. Who love her. Who believe in her. And she doesn’t want to let them down.

She knows exactly when it happens. The moment she stops thinking of  _ him  _ and starts dancing for  _ them. _ Halfway through the performance, she’s just dancing for herself. She’s remembering why she loves to dance. She’s remembering how great she is at it. She doesn’t see them when she dances, but she doesn’t need to. She  _ feels  _ them. Deep in her heart. Part of her soul. Their presence blots out the darkness that usually creeps in. The doubts and fear and shame and guilt. But their presence magnifies everything good in her world. Her family. Her friends. And everything they represent. Strength. Freedom. Love. Acceptance. Peace. Forgiveness. Growth. Contentment. Joy. 

Before she knows it her dance is over and she feels it...recognizes without a doubt that this was the best performance of her life. And when she wins first place, it feels like confirmation. Not that she’s good. Or even the best. It’s confirmation that she made it. She survived. She is alive again. And whole.

They celebrate in the gym, and outside in the parking lot, and at Fatin’s house with Indian tacos and chocolate cake and so much more food than she has ever seen. And Martha is happy. Content. At peace.

The teens are visiting among themselves, except for Dot who is helping her dad with the plate of food. They are trying to be discreet, but Martha knows that his dependency on his daughter makes him embarrassed. Not that he needs to be.

Martha tunes back into the conversation among her friends and realizes they are arguing over what to do next when Toni suggests football.  _ Touch  _ football, she emphasizes when some of them still look skeptical.

Before they can argue further, Toni is standing up.

“Yo! Coach!” Toni is yelling at Dot’s dad and Martha smiles when the father and daughter both beam excitedly. “We may need a ref over here. We want to play some touch football...but things might get a little rough.”

Fatin whispers something likely inappropriate to Toni that makes Toni smack her as she blushes and Fatin cackles with glee. She glances at Shelby who is staring at them forlornly.

Dot pushes her dad over to them and somehow produces a whistle from one of her cargo pants pockets. Martha is actually impressed by her resourcefulness.

“Who are the captains this time?” Rachel asks, because the only person more competitive than Toni is Rachel.

“I think it should be Toni and Dot.” Nora answers and everyone seems to nod in agreement.

“You go first.” Dot tells Toni.

“Martha. Obviously.” Toni grins. “Loyalty forever.”

“Then I pick Fatin. Same reason.”

“Leah.”

Martha notices the frown appear briefly on Fatin’s face, but is distracted when the same frown appears on Shelby’s when Dot picks her.

Leah leans in toward Toni. “I’m glad you picked me as your best friend and all...but, what the Hell? Why didn’t you pick Shelby? This was your chance...to...you know?” 

Interesting. So Leah is aware of Toni’s crush, too. That’s news to Martha. She thought that she and Toni shared everything.

Toni shrugs. “Mr. Campbell adores Shelby. I knew Dot would want her on her team. I was trying to be nice.”

“Well, fuck.” Leah shakes her head. “This game is going to be interesting.”

Toni grins. “Rachel. You’re on our team and we’re playing to win.”

Rachel grins back. “You know I’m in.” 

“Nora.” Dot picks her next player.

“Regan.”

Regan is watching the other team when she approaches. “Um...Toni? Why’d you pick me?”

“We’re friends. I wanted to show that…” She sighs sadly. “Why is everyone mad at me?”

“Hey, not mad. Just confused. No one’s mad at you.” Regan tells her sincerely before amending it by adding, “Except, maybe Shelby.”

Toni looks at the other team for the first time and Shelby drops her gaze as soon as she does.

“Shit.” Toni curses under her breath. “Why do I never do the right thing?”

“Hey, you did good.” Leah tells her and Martha nods in confirmation.

“Quinn.” Dot says, interrupting their discussion.

Martha looks at the remaining people. “Please pick Oliver.”

Toni raises an eyebrow at her and grins. “Really? I ship it.”

Martha blushes and ducks her head and Leah puts an arm around her. 

They finish picking sides, even divvying up Fatin’s brother and Martha’s siblings. Martha notices the growing frown on Shelby’s face as they do and realizes how sad she must feel. How distant from her own little brother and sister just because she has to hide an important part of her life from them. They should be able to be here with her today, but it’s too risky. And Shelby has to feel the disconnect. The double life has to be getting to her. Martha makes a mental note to address it with her later.

As they line up to start the game, Toni is their quarterback. Martha lines up across from Shelby.

“She did it for Dot’s dad.” Martha whispers to her and Shelby stares at her with confusion. “She let Dot pick you because her dad adores you.”

Shelby’s whole face lights up as the frown that marred it for the last ten minutes disappears. “Really?”

“Do you mean does he really adore you or did Toni really let Dot pick you for that reason?”

She blushes. “Both?”

“Yes to both.” Martha grins.

Shelby nods. “Thanks for telling me. But if you think that means I am not taking this game seriously, you do not know me at all.”

Martha rolls her eyes. “I remember the volleyball game.”

Shelby blushes again and is momentarily distracted so Martha is able to get around her and Toni lops an easy pass over her head and Martha catches it only to be picked off by her own little brother. Shelby shakes her head and puts her game face on. Martha is effectively terrified. Shelby sacks Toni the next play--rushing in and tackling her to the ground. 

Dot’s dad blows the whistle. Shelby hesitantly climbs off of Toni and looks at him innocently.

“That was a fair play. I watch enough football to know that…” She attempts to argue but is cut off by another whistle.

“It’s _ touch _ football, Shelby…” He reminds her and she flushes deeply.

“Right. Sorry.”

Fatin, Dot and Leah can barely contain their laughter. Toni rushes past the unprepared team for a touchdown and bows as she hands the ball to Shelby. Shelby glares at her playfully.

Dot is quarterback for the other team. Martha and Toni switch places and Toni guards Shelby. Martha is amused at how seriously Fatin is actually taking the game. She actually assumed she’d just stand around or play in the grass like Martha used to when they played soccer. But then she remembers that Fatin plays cello competitively and knows how to get things done if she wants to. And she does want to this time as she body checks Leah pointedly and gets open for a pass from Dot. They score a touchdown of their own a few minutes later. Their team does an improvised dance that has everyone laughing. Basically a call back to Toni’s from when they were kids. Martha is impressed that Fatin remembered it as well.

The next time they have the ball, Rachel is quarterback and tries to pass it to Toni, but Shelby grabs her at the waist and keeps her from catching the ball. Another whistle is blown.

“Shelby…” Dot sighs with exasperation. 

Shelby shrugs. “I didn’t tackle her.”

Although the game escalates in physicality from there, Toni is not the one who starts it. The next play, both Leah and Martha grab Shelby so Toni can break free only to have another whistle blown. They don’t regret it. 

As they line up for the next play, Dot whispers to them all. “My dad is eating this shit up. I haven’t seen him smile this big...in years.”

They try not to all look over at once, but they do take that as confirmation that the football game is over and it’s basically a free for all. They pass the ball to whoever is open and cheer each other on as they run the length of the makeshift field for a touchdown. Another whistle sounds.

“You...that’s the wrong way.” Dot’s dad tells Jeanette. “You...just scored for the other team.”

Jeanette shakes her head. “We’re all on the same team. If they win, I win.”

“That’s not...it doesn’t work that way.” He says, even though he’s grinning.

Fatin’s brother is handed the ball on the next play and the entire group pretends to try to tackle him only to miss by a mile and he’s laughing so hard he drops the ball twice on the way down the field. This time, Dot’s dad doesn’t blow the whistle. He’s struggling to hold himself upright as he’s cheering for him as loudly as the rest of them are. By now, even the other parents have gathered around to watch and are being entertained by their hijinks.

Dot carries Fatin’s brother on her shoulders as they line up for the kickoff. Rachel catches it and hands Martha’s little sister, Amanda, the ball. She jumps on Toni’s back and they run down the other end of the field together to cheers from their fans.

After everyone gets a turn at being the hero, for the last play of the game, Toni  _ accidentally  _ throws an interception to Dot who dances her way down the field cracking everyone else up. Toni tries to make it look good by attempting to stop her, but is once again tackled by Shelby. 

“Yo! Ref...where’s your whistle on that play?!” She yells from the ground as Shelby tries to cover her mouth with her hand and they both start laughing.

Eventually, Shelby quickly detaches herself from Toni and stands up as she anxiously brushes her hands through her hair and paces. Toni recovers more easily and kneels at Dot’s feet when Dot spikes the ball dramatically.

“I’m not worthy.”

“On her knees, just how Dot likes her lesbians.” Fatin comments quietly enough that only the few standing by her start laughing. 

Leah rolls her eyes and pushes her. “There are kids around.  _ And  _ parents.”

“Whatever. You think I’m hilarious.” Fatin smirks.

After several minutes of laughing and cheering each other and replaying their favorite moments, Dot convinces Fatin to let her use the fire pit so they can have a bonfire. 

As everyone quietly settles and starts to fracture into smaller groups, Martha approaches Shelby.

“So...what was that?” She asks with concern.

“I don’t actually know.” Shelby admits shyly. 

“Come on, I recognize sexual tension when I see it.” Fatin comments as she walks up behind them and puts an arm around Shelby. “Have you tried masturbation? And I’m not talking about getting yourself off with bath jets from your Jacuzzi.”

Both Shelby and Martha blush and look down nervously. Martha hates these kinds of conversations.

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Shit! Martha, I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking and I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Shelby stares at her. “But you meant to make me uncomfortable?”

Fatin sighs. “I meant to tease you. Loosen you up. Maybe make you laugh a little. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“If you want to talk...about unrequited love and shit. I sort of have become an unwilling expert.” Fatin offers so vulnerably that Martha’s eyes widen with surprise--both at the acknowledgement, and in interest as to who Fatin is in love with.

Shelby shares a small, soft smile. “We sure know how to pick them. Am I right?”

Fatin grins. “I mean, I always thought I was the emotionally unavailable one. But I would sell my soul for a chance…”

Shelby nods and then smirks. “If you had one, right?”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Yeah, if I had one.”

Martha feels lost in the conversation a little, so she comments. “I have a crush on Oliver.”

They both stare at her with huge smiles. 

“Oh, Martha. We will get you your man.” Fatin tells her seriously.

Shelby nods happily. “I think today helped. You looked amazing dancing and you were  _ so  _ good.” 

Martha ducks her head. “Thanks.”

“No, Shelby’s right. I know you’re straight and all...but seeing what you could do. Seeing that passion and…” She fans herself with exaggeration. “I was a little.. _.a lot. _ ..turned on.”

Martha rolls her eyes. “It was just dancing.”

“No…” Shelby stares at her intensely. “You know how Toni looks when she’s in the zone and is on fire on the court. How alive she looks. How at peace.”

Martha nods. She knows that the basketball court is the only place Toni feels alive. Feels like she’s good enough. 

“That was you today. It was like we were watching your soul come alive. Fatin’s right. The way you looked when you were dancing. So free. So...at peace. I don’t know how else to describe it. You looked like Toni playing basketball.”

“Or Leah talking about her lesbian necromancers.” Fatin comments and Martha knows from the way her eyes light up and her smile turns soft that Leah is Fatin’s Toni.

“I’m so glad I got to see it. And I’m sure it’ll be the same way when Fatin’s playing cello. It’s like...your passion and your purpose combined and...god, I’m not making sense. I don’t know how to describe it because I’ve never had something that meant that much to me. Even when I did pageants, it was more performative. It was something I was good at, not something I loved.” Shelby says.

Martha nods, because she thinks she gets it. “I...I was scared I would lose it. After...after what happened.” She sighs. “He told me...when I was young and he…” She hopes they understand what she’s trying to say because she doesn’t know how to fill in the blanks. “He said that when I can dance again...that I’d think of him. And I did. For a long time after. And...after the trial...after my whole world blew apart. I wasn’t sure if I could ever just go back to that freedom. The joy that came from dancing.”

Shelby rests her head on Martha’s shoulder and puts an arm around her, holding her in a way that’s liberating but also comforting--as if she knew exactly what she needed. Fatin holds one of her hands and their touch doesn’t bring her discomfort or unease or pain. It brings her strength.

“Today was my first time competing...since. The first time I really put on the dress.” She confesses to them.

She feels Fatin squeeze her hand and Shelby kiss her hair, and it makes her feel loved. 

“I wasn’t sure I could do it. Up until I got out there and saw everyone. Saw how much you all loved me and I didn’t want to let you down.”

“You never could have.” Fatin tells her with a whisper.

And that’s when she loses it. Because she believes her. For the first time since she was eight years old, she doesn’t have to pretend to see the goodness in people. She’s surrounded by it. She doesn’t have to remind herself that she is good. And that she is loved. They do it for her every single day. She doesn’t have to lie to herself that she’ll be okay. Because she  _ is  _ okay. Leah’s words weeks ago started the healing process, but today...dancing again--she feels like she’s really healing. Like there’s hope again. That she doesn’t have to live in some imaginary world full of unicorns and rainbows. She can live in reality. She can thrive in it. She can dance in it and find love in it. And the best thing is that there are still all kinds of rainbows. 

She smiles to herself as she wipes at her eyes and lets her friends continue to hold her because she finds comfort in their arms.

"When you find the right person, whether it’s Oliver or not, they'll love you for everything you went through and all that you are, not despite of it.” Shelby tells hers when she pulls away and brushes a stray strand of hair behind Martha’s ear and looks at her with wide, genuine eyes. “Watching all the little ones today, especially your brother, Fatin...it made me more determined than ever to make sure I allow myself to heal properly. None of us...we don’t want our kids to inherit our shame.”

Fatin licks her lips and glances at Leah and then the ground. Martha swallows thickly. Shelby’s eyes cut to everyone laughing and playing and she smiles at them.

“And look...they won’t. Look at us. We’re doing it. Even our parents...well, _ your _ parents….” She nods as the adults are all talking and laughing amongst themselves. 

Martha sees the smile on Dot’s dad’s face that hasn’t left since the football game. She sees her mom look lighter and even more beautiful than ever as she gushes with Leah’s parents about something. The Reids are laughing with Fatin’s mom. They are all catching up for old times sake, or making new connections.  _ They  _ did this. Martha and her friends. They brought everyone together to heal. McKenna’s parents, and Quinn’s mom. Regan’s grandmother and mother. Jeanette’s parents. Oliver’s dad. 

“I can’t believe Leah’s parents actually started a PFLAG group at school and that...they have their own network. That they talk about us.” Fatin says as she watches them. “It makes me happy...but it also creeps me the fuck out.”

Martha chuckles and Shelby looks uneasy. Martha feels for her. She is literally the only one whose parents aren’t here. Even Regan was able to invite her family by telling them they were all celebrating Toni getting adopted. They knew she was friends with Toni and Martha and were so happy to attend. Martha also knows, from being over at Regan’s house a lot over the last couple years that her grandma and mother would be more than accepting about Regan’s sexual orientation. That just because you have accepting parents, it doesn’t mean that coming out is ever easy. She understands, even if she never had to do it herself. 

Martha shakes herself out of her thoughts and continues to look around. The rest of their friends are already sitting around the bonfire making S’mores or simply roasting marshmallows. They are laughing and teasing each other. Martha glances from them to Fatin and Shelby. 

“So...what are we doing over here when our friends and food are over there?”

Shelby grins and heads toward the fire while Fatin rolls her eyes but follows behind her anyway. Fatin squeezes between Dot and Leah and Martha sits beside Toni. Shelby immediately goes to the food and starts roasting a marshmallow.

“Today was a good day.” Toni smiles at her with contentment when she joins her. “And did I mention yet, how fucking proud I am of you. First place, Hell yeah!”

“First place!!!!” The entire group stops chatting long enough to echo her and it makes Martha laugh.

“Only, about a dozen times.”

“Only? Guess I have to step up my game then, little sis.”

Martha shakes her head. “By three months!”

“In dog years, that’s got to be like…” Toni frowns trying to finish the thought.

“Remember that when we’re old and I’m reminding you that you’re the older one and I’m the baby.”

Toni laughs at that. Shelby approaches them hesitantly with a S’mores in hand. She extends it toward Toni.

“Peace offering?”

Toni rolls her eyes and teases her as she moves aside a little so Shelby can sit on the other side of her. “You mean...for cheating. Or for doing your best to beat me up on my special day.”

“Toni, accept the damn S’more.” Shelby groans.

“Or what?” Toni raises an eyebrow.

Shelby raises her hand to shove the damn thing in Toni’s mouth, but seems to think better of it so she just sits it on Toni’s lap instead. Toni picks it up and starts eating it, thanking her with her mouthful. When she’s finished eating it, Shelby stares at her with a furrowed brow. 

“What is it? Upset I didn’t share the S’more  _ you  _ gave me?” Toni asks as she wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand and sees some smudged marshmallow on it. “Shit.”

“Here. Let me.” Shelby leans in and wipes at the edge of Toni’s mouth with her thumb. 

When she pulls back away, blinking rapidly, Toni licks her lips and Shelby’s eyes follow the movement. 

“Wow.” Rachel whispers a few people down and Martha realizes she isn’t the only one captivated by the scene.

Shelby seems to remember that they aren’t alone and shakes her head as she licks the smeared marshmallow off her thumb and looks around the circle at her friends. “What?”

“Gay!” Fatin coughs in her hand and laughs so hard she falls into Leah’s lap.

Leah is laughing too, but doesn’t seem to mind that Fatin is in her personal space. Dot is trying to hold in her smirk, and Regan studiously avoids looking at them as she pretends to find the fire more fascinating than usual. Martha is actually impressed that the only reaction Shelby gives for having been caught being overly affectionate and flirtatious with Toni is scooting a little closer to her. Toni’s small smile as she looks at the ground indicates to Martha that Shelby’s reaction was the right one. Looks like she took the “Actions speak louder than words'' advice to heart.

Eventually, everyone departs for the day and Toni and Martha are cuddled in Martha’s room even though Toni has her own room now.

“I just don’t get it.” Toni says as her head rests on Martha’s stomach and Martha is stroking her hair.

“What don’t you get? She likes you.”

“Yeah...but...today...there were tons of people around. Not just the club. But adults. And she...it’s like she forgot.”

“Or doesn’t care.” Martha moves around so that she can face Toni directly. “She isn’t Regan, Toni. She’s trying. She wants to be with you. And not in secret. Not as an experiment. Or whatever else it is you keep telling yourself to talk you out of being happy.”

Toni sighs, but doesn’t respond.

“I get that you may not be ready. And that she isn’t quite where she wants to be yet either, but...give her  _ something. _ Let her know that she isn’t wasting her time. Because that girl would wait for forever for you, if you asked her to. Please don’t make her.”

Toni’s eyes search hers and she looks vulnerable, but Martha knows she heard her. Like  _ really  _ understands her this time. She watches as Toni visibly swallows and nods slightly.

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all she wants. She needs to know that you’re willing to try just as hard as she is.”

Toni licks her lips and looks away. “I…” She laughs at herself. “I seriously thought she was going to kiss me, right there in front of everyone.”

“What would you have done?”

Toni rolls her eyes. “I’m gay, Martha. And head over heels. You know I would have kissed her back.”

Martha smiles at that. “You could always make the first move, you know?”

“And what...push too hard too fast? Have her run away.” She moves to lay back on the bed, and wraps herself around Martha. “I can be patient. I’d wait for forever for her, too.”

And Martha sighs internally, because these two hopeless idiots are going to be the death of her. If they didn’t get their act together soon, she is going to have to get the others involved. Or take matters into her own hands  _ again. _

“Martha?”

“Hmmm?”

“Today was the first day that it felt like I truly had a family. Not just  _ your _ family...but all of them. Like they were  _ mine.  _ The love that surrounded us today. It was glaringly obvious that mine and Shelby’s parents weren’t here. And for the first time, it didn’t wreck me. It breaks my heart for Shelby, but...I didn’t feel like I was missing out today. Because...your mom...she’s always been more of a mom to me than mine ever was. And...part of the reason I resisted so much, even though I wanted her to adopt me so bad...was because of you. I didn’t want to take her away from you. Or make you have to share her any more than you already do with the others. You...you are the best thing in my entire life and I should say it more, but...I’ve only ever wanted the best for you. And I’ve been so happy and proud that you have the parents you do. And…”

“Toni…” Martha hugs her as she cries with her. “I never felt like I was losing her by having you around...I...it made me so proud that I have such an amazing mom. I always wanted to share her with you. Because you are my favorite person and my everything. I always saw it as gaining a sister, not losing my family.”

Martha didn’t even realize it earlier today, that Toni’s parents weren’t there. Because Toni has always been a part of her family, and she never thought anything more about it. It’s where she belonged. She completed their family. She can’t believe she missed it though. But more so, she’s so proud of Toni that she didn’t spiral into self-pity or anger today when the old Toni would very much have done so. 

She feels less jealous of Leah and Toni’s friendship now, too. She had started worrying that Leah would replace her. She’s seen how close they’ve gotten, and she adores Leah with her whole heart. But she didn’t want things to change. She typically hates change. But Leah  _ is  _ Toni’s best friend. Because Martha has always been her sister. And as Martha thinks about the day, and how far they all have come, she remembers what Shelby said about the next generation not inheriting their shame. And it makes her realize that they have all changed, and grown and it’s proof that change isn’t always something to fear. It doesn’t have to be bad. The adoption. The club. Shelby coming out. Leah admitting her truth, as well as Jeanette and McKenna and the others. Nora and Rachel getting closer. Martha and her old friends reconnecting. Everything that is so very different this year from every single day before has been all about change. And Martha wouldn’t take back any of it. 

Shelby said she looked free out there dancing. She looked at peace. And Martha realizes that she looked that way...because it’s true. For the first time since she was little, she has finally found some peace. And it feels fantastic. And more than that, it’s real.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the moment you've been waiting for...   
> Also, Fatin's POV is up next! It should be another longer one. :)
> 
> Hope you all are having a wonderful day! Thanks for staying with this story for so long and for all of your support and kindness. I adore you.

Toni takes her time gathering her things after the club meeting, even though she has to hurry to basketball practice after. She glances up to see Shelby talking and laughing with Nora, Rachel and Quinn. As she walks toward them, she slightly brushes Shelby on the forearm to get her attention. And then she realizes that she didn’t think this through thoroughly, because Shelby is staring at her with a soft smile and she momentarily forgets her own damn name.

“Hey!” Shelby greets her far too excitedly and then waves to the others as they take their leave and Toni and Shelby are left alone in the classroom. “What’s up?”

Toni removes her hand from Shelby’s arm and swallows audibly. “I...I have practice now. But...I don’t know if you’re busy or not or if you even want to.” She sighs loudly and jumps slightly when Shelby’s hand rests on her shoulder. Shelby gazes at her with concern before stepping away slightly and letting go of her.

“Sorry.” She apologizes and runs her hand through her hair. “I didn’t mean to startle you...but you looked ready to hyperventilate and…”

“I was wondering if you could give me a ride home after practice.” Toni forces the words out and tries to give Shelby a confident smile, but knows she fails miserably.

Shelby beams anyway. “And would this ride home require feeding you like last time?”

Toni shrugs as nonchalantly as possible. “It is mandatory, yes.”

“I suppose I could eat.” Shelby grins. 

Then she bumps Toni’s shoulder with her own and walks out of the room leaving Toni terrifyingly breathless.

“Are you coming? You don’t want to be any later to practice do you?”

They walk silently toward the gym, and Toni is surprised that Shelby doesn’t distance herself from her. Instead, they are walking close together. Sometimes their hands even brush along the way. And Toni has the sudden thought that this is already far more than she ever did with Regan where people could see them. Which is a strange thought, because to the outside world they wouldn’t even look all that much like friends right now, since they aren’t even talking. But still, the stark differences between Regan and Shelby intrigues Toni. 

She glances at Shelby and realizes that Shelby is already looking at her. “What?”

“I feel like you’re deep in your mind right now...and I want to ask about it. But I also want to respect your privacy and trust that you’ll tell me if or when you want to.” Shelby tells her quietly.

Toni sighs. “I will...we’ll talk after practice. Okay?”

Shelby studies her face, and then nods as if pacified for the moment. “Okay.”

Practice goes by too quickly and yet somehow also takes forever and Toni is a bundle of nerves when she heads back out of the locker room after her shower. Shelby is smiling as she approaches. She smiles a lot these days, and Toni can’t help thinking it makes her look even more beautiful. Which makes her groan at herself because she always hates it when men tell women to smile more. So she doesn’t comment on it even though she desperately wants to. Even though she’s probably thinking too much about it.

“Ready?” Shelby asks as she loops her arm through Toni’s and practically drags her out of the school.

And again, the whole thing feels surreal. How open she seems to be. It’s not like anyone is even here to pay attention to them. But Toni’s only ever been in one relationship in her life and she had to hide it, so she doesn’t know how to deal with someone who doesn’t seem to feel ashamed of her. Or of them. Not that there  _ is  _ a them she reminds herself.

“So...ready for tomorrow?” Shelby asks when they pull out of the parking lot.

“Tomorrow?”

Shelby laughs. “Your birthday. Don’t tell me you forgot.”

Toni rolls her eyes at herself. “More like actively ignoring.”

“Oh my Lord, why?” Shelby’s eyes widen. “Please don’t tell me you’re anti-birthday because we have stuff planned for you.” She frowns. “There are presents. And cake.”

Toni smiles as she looks out the window and not at Shelby. “You know me, I’ll never turn down cake.” She plays with her fingers nervously and focuses on Taylor Swift’s voice filtering softly through the speakers. “I used to be forgotten a lot. First by my mom, and then all the foster families. I tended to fare better if I didn’t hope someone would remember, so that I wouldn’t be disappointed. Martha always brought me a piece of homemade cake and I typically spent the night at her house watching movies. But that’s it. Pretty low key, but still kind of perfect.”

“You won’t be forgotten again. Ever. Not by us. We literally...we love you, Toni. Don’t you see that?”

Toni looks at her but doesn’t respond.

“Please tell me you know that.” Shelby practically begs her to understand.

“Why?”

Shelby glances at her, and then before she can respond properly, she pulls through the drive thru. She orders the same thing they got last time and then drives to the park and they eat in the car. 

“Why me?” Toni repeats when their food is gone. “You don’t have to answer for everyone...but I need to know for you. You’ve taken so many big steps by coming out and accepting yourself and...I am proud of you. But...I never asked you to do that...if you did it for me. I don’t want you to resent me if things go bad. If…”

Shelby exhales slowly and brushes the crumbs from her fingers off on her jeans. Then she turns in her seat and looks directly at Toni intensely. 

“There are a lot of things in that sentence that I need to address. So...please bear with me.” Shelby tells her firmly which makes Toni nod her acceptance. “First, I came out for myself. Because I hated who I had become or was becoming living with that shame and self-hatred. My soul...it needed a cleanse. And for me, that meant accepting myself and trusting that you all could love me even if I had trouble loving myself sometimes. Which...you all came through wonderfully and I am better for it. Better because of you. So even if it goes sideways with my parents, I would never regret coming out. I will never resent trusting you all with my truth. And knowing I have all of you, I know that even if it goes horribly at home... _ you _ are my home. I know I will be okay. Safe. Loved.”

Toni exhales shakily as she sees the intensity in Shelby’s eyes, and her own eyes start to water. She can’t help it. She knows the feeling. The feeling that she has family now. She has a  _ home  _ to go home to with the Blackburns. But also, Shelby’s right,  _ they _ are her home. Her life. Wherever they are, as long as they are together, she knows she’s safe. 

“Second, despite the fact I came out for myself....I would do literally  _ anything _ for you. If you asked me to. Truth be told, I’d do it even if you didn’t ask.” She sighs and looks out the window, no longer able to keep eye contact with Toni. “Or I guess, I’d  _ not  _ do something for you if that’s what you wanted. If that even makes any sense.” She grips the steering wheel tightly as if for something to do with her hands, or her frustration. “Third...and this is probably the most important. Why you? Why do I care about you? Why do you matter? You’re a good person, Toni. The way you are with Martha...that’s the first thing I noticed about you. How soft you were with her even while you always seemed so angry at the world. I knew you were capable of being gentle. Kind. And I see it again and again. With Leah. With your forgiveness of Regan, even though she broke your heart. The way you were with Dot’s dad. You care. I think that’s why you try to be so tough all the time...to keep people away...because you care too much. You feel too much. And it’s easier to keep people away than to risk letting them hurt you.”

Toni swallows the lump in her throat and wipes at her eyes. She actively avoids Shelby’s penetrating gaze this time.

“You’re the strongest person I know. Not just physically on the basketball court. But what you were able to endure and still retain your humanity. Your capacity to love and forgive and try and fail and learn and grow. You’re smart and funny, and my god, Toni...you’re beautiful. Gorgeous really. Inside and out. But...I know I haven’t been the most subtle.” Toni looks at her then, she can’t look away. “And I know you know I’m interested and that me even saying this might scare you away or change things between us in a way I don’t want. But...you asked. And I will always be honest with you. I will always talk to you about things that matter. I don’t know where you stand, or if you’re ready or if you want this as much as I do. But you asked. So...I’m telling you. I’m here, either way. I’m not going anywhere.” Shelby’s eyes widen and she straightens her posture. “Unless...that’s what you want. I hope it’s not, but…”

Toni smiles at her. “It’s not.”

They are both silent for a minute, they stop looking at each other and stare out the window in front of them. Toni rests her hand on the counsel between them and feels Shelby’s pinky brush against hers. She swallows audibly and looks out the passenger side window, willing herself not to run away scared from this. Shelby’s hand inches closer to hers, until their pinkies link. And when she gets her breathing under control, she feels the warmth of Shelby’s entire hand slowly encase her own. But it’s Toni who finally gives in and turns her hand over, so that Shelby can easily lace their fingers together. And they stay like that, properly holding hands until the sun starts to set and Toni realizes that it’s getting too late and she never told Mrs. Blackburn that she’d be missing dinner.

She hates to do it, but she has to break the spell they fell under. “I should be getting home now. I have a mom who’s probably worrying...and it’s all new to me, but I don’t want to start this all off on the wrong foot by disrespecting her like that. You know?”

Shelby coughs and nods. “I know.”

She disentangles their hands and starts the car and they drive to Toni’s house in silence. When Shelby pulls into the driveway, Toni smiles at her.

“So this cake you mentioned for tomorrow...it better be chocolate.”

Shelby smiles back. “You better have more faith in me than that.”

Toni nods slightly. “I do.”

Shelby’s smile widens. “Thanks for letting me give you a ride home. I had a good time.”

“So did I.” Toni tells her honestly. 

She climbs out of the car and then sticks her head back in so add, “Goodnight, Shelby. Text me when you get home safe. Okay?”

Shelby nods. “I will. Goodnight, Toni.”

Shelby texts her and they continue to text most of the night. Random stuff about the school day or about the upcoming week or anything that didn’t include  _ them.  _ Or what today meant for them and what tomorrow might bring. 

“So...Shelby brought you home?” Martha asks when they are getting ready for bed.

“Yeah...I...I took your advice and asked her.”

Martha smiles happily. “You risked the bold stroke.”

Toni smirks at the movie reference. “I don’t know how bold it was...but...we held hands.”

Martha practically jumps up and down in glee and Toni has to laugh at her antics. This pure joy for others is one of the many reasons she loves Martha most of all.

“Tell me all about it!” She demands excitedly.

“Well, we were eating in her car. Then we talked. Then we held hands.”

Martha rolls her eyes. “You are the worst storyteller ever. I’m going to ask Shelby for details tomorrow.”

Toni frowns. “I’m beginning to regret your friendship with her.”

Martha laughs. “Come on, if Shelby and I hadn’t become friends then you’d never have gotten this chance with her.”

“Not sure that’s how it happened...but whatever you say.”

“You owe me. You know you do.” Martha teases.

“I admit to nothing.” Toni says as they part ways and she heads to her bedroom.

She has a  _ Goodnight _ text waiting for her from Shelby and it makes her smile. She replies and receives a string of emojis in response. 

The following morning, she gets awakened by Martha’s brothers and sisters jumping on her bed excitedly.

“Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!!!”

Toni laughs and wrestles with them when Martha appears in the doorway. “I tried to keep them out as long as I could.”

Toni smiles at her. “It’s okay.” She messes up Bailey’s hair. “This is already my favorite birthday ever.”

“Well, it’s about to get better. Mom made all of your favorite things for breakfast.” Martha grins.

Toni ushers the kids out of her room so she can quickly get ready. Then she heads down the stairs and the smells coming from the kitchen are truly divine.

Chocolate chip pancakes, waffles with strawberries, eggs and toast, and bacon. Glorious bacon. Plus, in a chair reserved as hers, is a bag of Takis and a bottle of orange Gatorade. 

Mrs. Blackburn-- _ Mom,  _ Toni corrects herself with a sad smile--walks over to her and holds her lovingly as she kisses the top of her head. 

“Happy Birthday, Sweetie.” 

“Thank you.” She hugs her tightly, not wanting to ever let go. “Thank you for everything.”

They eat happily. Loudly. And it’s perfect. Toni couldn’t temper her grin even if she wanted to.

There’s a knock on the door, and Martha rushes to answer it. A minute later, she and Shelby enter the kitchen.

“Happy Birthday!” Shelby announces happily, albeit shyly.

“You’re here.” Toni breathes out in surprise.

Shelby shrugs easily. “Yeah, I wanted to give you my present before the party tonight. And I was hoping to drive you and Martha to school today.”

Toni walks over to her and extends her hands. “Gimme, gimme.” She teases and when Shelby rolls her eyes and laughs, she laughs too.

It’s a homemade CD. The cover is decorated with rainbows and hearts and a few very Shelby-esque inspirational quotes.

“You made me a mixed tape?” Toni asks with raised eyebrows. “No one’s ever…” She licks her lips and looks down with embarrassment. “I never had anything to play it on before anyway...but still.” She looks back up at Shelby and smiles sincerely at her. “Thank you.”

“I asked Martha to make sure you had access to a CD player. Otherwise, I would have been standing outside your window with mine raised about my head.”

Toni shakes her head because she actually believes she would do that. And the thought warms her heart.

“It’s...it’s me. On there.” Shelby says awkwardly. “I picked the songs that remind me most of you and I...I sang them.”

Toni’s eyes widen. “You...you sing?”

“And play guitar.”

Toni swallows the moan at the image of Shelby with a guitar singing for her. “You continue to surprise me, Goodkind.”

Shelby stares at her intently. “God made us to contain multitudes, Toni.”

That makes Toni smile. The idea of Shelby discussing God while flirting with her. She’s beyond proud of her for how far she’s come. The fact that she is able to accept herself and her attraction to girls...to Toni, and yet, maintaining her belief in God makes Toni happy for her. Happy that she is trying her best to stay true to herself in all ways...while also proving to Toni again and again that she wants this. She wants them. Her words yesterday were beautiful. But words mean nothing if you don’t back them up. And Shelby keeps backing them up in the most amazing ways possible. 

Toni waves the CD between them. “We’re listening to this on the ride.”

Shelby blushes but nods. Toni grabs her hand and leads her out the door. “We’re heading out. Martha? Come on.”

Toni feels Shelby’s gaze on their hands, but Toni doesn’t look at her. She simply more properly laces their fingers together. She even opens the door for Shelby when they get to the car. Shelby blushes and smiles at her shyly with a soft, “Thank you.”

Toni rounds the car and Martha is standing by the back door.

“What?” Toni asks with a raised eyebrow. “You told me to try...this is me trying.”

Martha shakes her head. “I didn’t say anything. I was just waiting for you to open the door for me.” She smirks at her. 

Toni huffs and rolls her eyes, but she does open the door. Then she bows exaggeratedly and Martha laughs. She laughs as well.

Toni and Shelby hold hands on the drive to school as Shelby’s beautiful singing voice envelops Toni in warmth. Toni’s phone has blown up since she woke up this morning, all of her friends texting her a ‘Happy Birthday’. She finally takes the time to respond to them on the ride. She wasn’t exaggerating earlier, when she told Martha this was her favorite birthday ever. And it somehow keeps getting better. Only this time, Toni embraces it. She isn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop. She isn’t expecting the worst or planning for disappointment. She’s just enjoying the moment. Letting it all wash over her.

When Shelby parks the car, they sit in it for a moment in silence.

“You’re really talented.” Toni says pointing to the CD player. “I half expected church hymns though.”

Shelby laughs. “Believe it or not, I am thinking anything but godly thoughts when I think of you.”

Martha coughs awkwardly in the backseat and then gets out of the car wordlessly.

“Oops.” Shelby smiles wide and then her eyes drop to Toni’s lips. 

“Yeah, oops.” Toni repeats like an idiot. She sighs and licks her lips as Shelby’s gaze traces the movement.

Shelby swallows loudly and shifts awkwardly away from Toni. “We should get to class before...I do something I won’t regret but...that you may not be ready for.”

“Yeah…” Toni replies because she’s realizing that maybe she is finally ready for it--ready for Shelby. 

They walk silently to the school only for Toni to be nearly tackled by Fatin and Leah. Leah actually picks her up and twirls her in a circle, which shouldn’t be nearly as amusing as Toni finds it. She can’t stop laughing at her friends’ enthusiasm.

“Happy Birthday!” They tell her in unison.

Fatin plants a wet, loud kiss on her cheek and Toni is stuck rubbing off the lipstick stain.

“You chose that color on purpose.” She pouts which makes Fatin smirk at her with pride.

“Maybe I did…”

Leah laughs. 

“You think its funny?” Fatin asks with a raised eyebrow as she grabs Leah’s face in her hands and kisses her hard on the cheek also. “Still funny?”

Leah blushes and shakes her head, wiping at the stain awkwardly. “You...kissed me.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “I…” She looks at her watch. “Am late for class. Gotta go!” 

Toni and Shelby share a look before Toni rests her hand on Leah’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Leah watches Fatin go and then looks Toni in the eyes. “Yeah...why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just checking.” Toni says.

Leah nods and then smiles at them. “I’m excited for tonight. I’ve never been invited to someone’s birthday party before.”

“Technically...you invited yourself since you’re throwing me the party and haven’t told me shit about it.” Toni smirks at her which gets a bigger smile out of Leah.

“I think that’s half the fun. The surprise. I feel like I’m part of something.”

“Leah, you are.” Shelby tells her. “You belong with us. In every way.”

“Well...not  _ every  _ way. That would just be awkward.” Toni refutes.

Leah and Shelby roll their eyes at her.

“What on Earth has gotten in to you today?” Shelby chastises playfully.

“This is me happy. Excited. Being myself. I’m sorry if you think I’m being a dick...but...I really am excited about whatever you all have planned for me today. This is already the best birthday ever.”

Their gazes soften as they look at her. Not with pity, but with understanding. She understands now, that what they all have together. This club. This family. It means as much to them as it ever did to Toni. She doesn’t have to worry about losing them. Because they care as much as she does. They will fight like hell to keep them all together, too. And that means everything to her.

They walk to class together, Leah’s arm around Toni and Shelby’s hand in hers. And she feels invincible. Like she really could take on the world. But for the first time in her life, she doesn’t need to. There is no one to fight. 

By the time school is over, Toni feels like she’s on top of the world. They all head to her house after school for cake and presents. The cake is as amazing as always. Then they go to Toni's room for the opening of presents. 

“So...we may have gone overboard…” Rachel says but is cut off by Fatin.

“Which is not actually a thing.”

Rachel shakes her head and smiles at her before continuing. “We wanted to give you stuff...for your room. Now that you have one to decorate, we wanted you to make it feel more like...you.”

Toni’s already crying and she didn’t even only any gifts yet.

“Way to make her cry, Rachel. This was supposed to be a happy thing.” Dot says. “It is a happy thing, right?”

“It is.”

And so she starts opening presents. A handful of books, she assumes were part of Nora’s contribution. A bunch of framed pictures of them all. Including one she has never seen before. She’s sleeping on Shelby’s shoulder and Shelby is smiling at the camera.

“Was this…?” She knows what day it was, but still wants confirmation.

“Yeah. I couldn’t resist.” Leah smiles at her shyly. “You looked so peaceful and...Shelby…”

“Shelby wants you to stop talking…” Shelby threatens Leah with a faux smile and an exaggerated Southern Belle accent.

Leah mimes zipping her lips and then locking them and throwing away the key. Fatin rests a hand on Leah protectively and glares at Shelby. And suddenly, things are getting awkwardly tense around the room.

“Okay!” Nora says loudly. “More presents!”

Toni opens a few fan art prints of some of her favorite queer ships that she plans to hang on her walls as soon as she can. But the last gift astonishes her. A basketball signed by the Team USA Women’s Basketball Olympic Champions. It comes on a stand and is encased in glass to protect it. It’s beautiful and the most expensive and meaningful thing Toni has ever owned.

“You guys...I have no words.” She stares at it with wide eyes and trembling hands. “This is amazing. It’s…”

She sits it down before she drops it and starts to sob uncontrollably. Good tears. But tears nonetheless. She is immediately wrapped in a group hug of her twelve favorite people.

After Toni recovers, her friends announce that they are taking her to play laser tag.

“Hell yeah!” She cheers excitedly. She could use a little competition to get her feelings out. She’s too overwhelmed to process anything else, so the nervous energy has to be channeled somewhere safely.

They are smart enough this time to forgo picking teams and decide to play for themselves. May the best person win. Of course, that means a bunch of alliances at the beginning. She grins as she sees Fatin holding on to Leah for dear life as Leah covers for her. Leah is not surprisingly very strategic and efficient. Toni realizes she’ll have to keep an eye out for her at the end. She also is aware of Rachel’s competitiveness, and knows that Dot is very innovative and resourceful, so she keeps an eye out for her also. And as far as she’s concerned, they are her real competition. Along with Shelby, who she hasn’t seen since…

She’s thrown up against a wall and Shelby is pressing into her. The sounds of the fight going on all around them.

“I just saved your life.” Shelby tells her.

“Is that so.”

“Hmmm.” Shelby’s eyes drop to her lips again so Toni licks them on purpose this time.

She loves how Shelby’s pupils darken in response. And Shelby is slowly leaning in.

“Are you sure?” Toni feels the need to ask.

Shelby haphazardly nods as she closes the distance. Their lips barely graze when Shelby straightens and curses. “Dammit.”

Toni sees Dot standing with wide eyes and her hands raised in surrender. “Sorry...I…”

Toni shoots her, putting Dot out of the game along with Shelby. 

“Fuck.” Dot breathes out. “Look, only Leah and Fatin are left. You can take them.”

Toni nods. She pulls Shelby into her and gives her a sloppy kiss before running off to win this damn game. She sees Leah around the corner and pops out to shoot her only for Fatin to literally dive in front of her and take the hit. Impressive. And not at all subtle. Toni has to commend her for going all in without saying a word at all. Leah takes advantage of Toni’s momentary lapse of judgement and shoots her to win the game. The lights turn back on. 

“You won!” Toni tells her excitedly. 

“I…” Leah looks around. She bends over to help Fatin up and stares at her with awe. “You sacrificed yourself for me.”

Fatin shrugs it off and wipes at her pants as if she’s dirty from an actual war zone. “I...it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Everyone is congratulating Leah and Toni is so happy for her. The way her entire face lights up at the attention. When the attention wears off, Toni approaches her and hugs her.

“Great shot.” She tells her proudly.

Leah ducks her head and whispers to Toni. “I’ve never won anything before...not like this. Not just me. I’m not good at anything, not like you and Martha and Shelby and Rachel and Nora. I...”

Toni thinks back to the time they had the chicken fight in the pool and Leah let Nora have all the glory. She was amazing then. And she’s amazing now. 

“You dominated this game. I marked you as my competition immediately. You’re smart and apparently ruthless…” 

Leah laughs at that.

“And hey, you’re really good at boxing, too. The few times we’ve done it together, you’re a natural. We’ll find your thing. I promise.”

Leah wraps her in her strong arms and Toni is happy that this is her best friend. She has enjoyed getting to know her. Learning from her. Being inspired by her. She desperately wants to return the favor. She wants to make sure she’s an equal contributor to their friendship.

They play a couple more games and go out for pizza afterwards; all chatting excitedly about the way Leah dominated most of the games. She really is brilliant. 

They all go their separate ways after pizza. Shelby drives Martha and Toni back home. Martha goes inside right away, leaving Toni and Shelby alone to walk around the yard holding hands.

“Today was the perfect day.” Toni says into the darkness. 

Shelby nods in agreement. “It really was.”

Toni sits in the grass and pulls Shelby down with her.

“So…” Shelby trails off. “Want to talk about it? About...what it means.”

Toni can hear the worry in Shelby’s voice. And she knows it isn’t about having doubts about them, but more so the fear that Toni will push her away. Keep her distance. Shut down. And maybe she would have done that in the past. But she’s a different person now. A better one. At least she hopes she is.

“I want this. Us. And I’m ready for it if you are. I could list all the ways that things could go wrong between us, but...the worst has already fucking happened. For both of us. To both of us. I don’t think I have it in me to be that scared about something that could be good.”

Shelby stares at her, studying her. And Toni lets her. Lets Shelby’s eyes wander around her face, taking her in. She sees the moment it sinks in. The second Shelby realizes that Toni is saying she’s ready. That she wants this as much as Shelby obviously and genuinely does. Shelby smiles and touches Toni’s hair gently, delicatedly. Like she’s scared to shatter the moment between them. Then she rests her hand on Toni’s cheek and softly caresses her lips with her thumb. 

But it’s Toni who makes the first move this time. Who closes the distance and kisses her. Not a soft, quick peck like before. Or the awkward thing Toni did before rushing off to end the laser tag game. But a real kiss. 

They explore each other slowly, taking it all in. Their mouths open so that their tongues can participate in the exploration. Their hands wander. Pulling each other closer, holding each other in place. Toni’s hand rests on Shelby’s hip while the other hand cups her cheek before brushing through her hair. She feels like she can’t ever get enough. But that it’s overwhelmingly too much all at once.

When she finally has to pull away to catch her breath, she rests her forehead against Shelby’s. Shelby’s eyes slowly open and she’s looking at her with so much adoration that Toni has to kiss her again. And again.

Shelby is a really good kisser. She seems to be aware of what she wants. What she likes. And she goes for it. She gives as much as she takes. She isn’t shy, but isn’t too eager. It’s like she is savoring it, taking it all in to remind herself that it’s real. That it’s happening. The kisses are full of passion, but also full of promise. There is no rush, because they both seem to know that there will be more. That this isn’t the end. Far from it.

They part again, inhaling and exhaling in tandem. Sharing a breath. Sharing so much more than a kiss. They stare at each other.

“I can’t tell you how long I wanted this.” Shelby breathes out in awe. “And it somehow still surpassed every expectation.”

“You and your beautiful words.” Toni teases with adoration.

“You want me to stop?”

“I never said that.” Toni assures her. “I’m just wondering how I got so lucky.”

Shelby smiles at that. She kisses each of her cheeks. Then her forehead. She pecks her on the lips. 

“I’m the lucky one.” Shelby argues. “But also...I think it’s our reward...for what we’ve been through.”

“Like...Congratulations! You survived!” Toni raises an eyebrow and smirks at her.

Shelby chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Something like that.” She kisses her again. Like she can’t get enough. 

Eventually, she stops kissing her and pulls Toni into her. Holding her, firmly and gently. Toni feels safe and cared for in Shelby’s embrace. “I don’t know why I fought it so hard. This is amazing.  _ You’re _ amazing.”

Shelby’s grasp on her tightens. “I think that timing is important, too. We both had to be ready for each other.”

Toni nods. “Like Leah and Fatin?”

Shelby’s eyes widen and she shakes her head. “What was that? I mean, Fatin is so far gone.”

“Yeah...but...do you think Leah...I don’t want Fatin’s heart to be broken, but I don’t know if Leah sees her. I don’t think she sees anyone that way.”

Shelby shrugs. “She needs time, and despite today...I think Fatin is more than willing to wait for her.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

“You’re a good friend. To both of them.” Shelby kisses her temple. “And did you see the way that Oliver was looking at Martha today?”

“What? How did I miss that?”

“You aren’t the most self-aware…”

Toni rolls her eyes. “How did  _ you  _ see it. You literally spent the day making me sexually frustrated.”

Shelby laughs loudly at that. “Multi-tasking. I’m pretty good at it.”

“Nope. That won’t do. When you’re with me...I want all of you.” Toni tells her as she pushes her onto the grass and kisses her soundly, then pulls away leaving Shelby breathless.

“Yeah, that definitely will not be a problem.” Shelby tells her as she closes her eyes and exhales slowly and unevenly. 

“Thank you for today.” Toni tells her as she lays beside her in the grass and takes Shelby’s hand in hers. She kisses it gently before resting their enclosed hands on her stomach.

“Yeah, like it was really some hardship.” Shelby says as she curls into her. “I should be thanking you for taking a chance on me...on this.”

“It doesn’t feel like a chance at all. It feels inevitable.” She looks at her with love in her eyes and adds, “Looks like God had a plan for us after all.”

Shelby beams at those words. “He did. And it’s as perfect as he is.”

And Toni thinks that maybe she isn’t as against religion as she once was. Not if Shelby can use her God as a means for good--a justification for them. Rather than against them.

And that night, as she crawls into bed, she prays for the first time. A prayer of thanks for all the good things she has in her life. Because she finally has so much to be grateful for. She has a life she’s proud of. And a future she’s excited about.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is complete fluff, be warned...  
> But starting next chapter, with Shelby's POV we'll be back to a some angst again. It will be a big chapter for her.
> 
> Also, if you notice, Fatin will start using they/them pronouns when referring to Dot in her POV chapters, and the others still won't yet. Fatin is ahead of the curve as a good friend. :)

Dot and Toni want to go thrift shopping for suits for Fatin’s upcoming recital, and there is no way she is passing up the chance to spend time with two of her absolute favorite people. And with Toni and Shelby  _ finally  _ official, that means Shelby would likely be tagging along. So Fatin uses that as an excuse, as if she needs one, to invite Leah. And to top off the day spent with people she loves, she lets her little brother, Ahmad, tag along too.

She takes them to a consignment store that she knows will have what they are looking for, and still be something they can afford. She'd willingly buy everything for them but knows they would be too proud to accept it. They'd see it as a handout--whereas for Fatin, gift giving is her love language. If she believed in that kind of stuff. But doing things for her friends makes her feel good. It makes her feel like she is pulling her own weight in the relationship, because their presence in her life does more for her than they could ever know.

They are all taking turns trying on clothes and doing their own version of a runway which has Fatin laughing and Leah obsessively taking pictures. To say that the way Shelby and Toni are ridiculously and nauseatingly adorable draped all over each other makes Fatin happy, and a bit jealous honestly, is an understatement. She loves that they found their way to each other. It gives her hope and an overwhelming belief in the power of love. But it also makes her feel a bit left out. She fears that she’ll be replaced by Shelby in Toni’s life. She likes being protective of her friend, and she loves the way they can openly flirt with each other. Her relationship with Toni is important to her and she doesn’t want it to change. But she also doesn’t want to get in the way of what they have, so she’s torn. And she hates that it bothers her so much.

She’s interrupted from her thoughts when Leah’s shoulder brushes hers. And she rolls her eyes at herself, because she knows it’s Leah before she speaks. She knows it in the way she smells. And in the way she is always aware of her presence when she isn’t actively looking out for her; which if she’s being honest--she usually  _ is  _ looking for her.

“You don’t get to be sad. Today is a great day. Toni and Shelby are  _ finally  _ a couple. You’re brother is having the time of his life trying on tutus, and you get a free fashion show---which come on, we all know is right up your alley. Things are in a good place for all of us now, so why do you look so...lost?” Leah comments as she leans into her and Fatin relishes in the simple contact.

She sighs, slightly embarrassed with herself. “Aren’t you scared that you’ll have less time with Toni now that they’re together? Are you scared that she won’t need us anymore?”

Leah studies Fatin carefully and her entire face softens, then she looks at their friends. Dot and Toni are playing hide and seek with Ahmad and Shelby is picking up after them when they knock down a ton of clothes in their wake. It’s all very domestic and perfect and she sort of hates herself now for being mad at them.

“I think there are a lot of different kinds of love. And I know that Toni has love for both of us and that her also loving Shelby won’t change that. I don’t feel any less special to her just because she doesn’t want to have sex with me.”

Fatin frowns. She is glad that Toni doesn’t want to have sex with Leah. And she doesn’t want to think about it...although, it has been a long time since she’s  _ had  _ sex and the image sort of…

She shakes her head  _ hard.  _

“You don’t agree?” Leah asks her quietly. “You think that people only have the capacity to love one person or love one kind of way?”

She thinks about it. The way she loves Toni is absolutely different than how she loves Dot or her mom or her brother...and yet, the way she loves Leah is vastly different than the way she loves the rest of them. And all of her friends occupy their own special place in her heart and she would absolutely die for any of them. 

“I…” She licks her lips and diverts her attention away from her friends and back to Leah where it belongs. “I didn’t think I was capable of love...I thought I was destined to be like my dad. Unable to properly commit. Unwilling to protect and be loyal to those he professed to love. I thought I didn’t know how. I...I understand what you’re saying. How you can love people differently. I was just...I think I’m scared. I only just got her back in my life, I wasn’t ready to lose her again.”

“You won’t. She adores you.” Leah pats her on the knee. “As for the fact that you believe yourself incapable of love...I thought Toni was the least self aware person I knew. But you...the way you let everyone know exactly where they stand with you. That you would die for them…”

Her eyes widen. “Did I say that out loud? Because…”

Leah laughs and rolls her eyes. “You protected Toni when Shelby started that argument in the beginning, you protected Shelby when the guys at school were harassing her, you protected me from the losing shot at laser tag. You took a bullet for me. You don’t have to say the words, Fatin. We know. We see it in the way you love us.”

Fatin nods. Maybe she’s about as subtle as Shelby, all things considered. She better start dialing it down a bit if that’s the case.

She feels Leah squeeze her knee and looks down at the place of contact. She rests her hand on top of Leah’s. To hell with dialing it down.

Her brother runs up to her wearing a buttoned up shirt and bow tie, a rainbow vest and tutu and...cargo shorts. And it’s the most perfect thing she has ever seen in her life. It’s somehow equal parts Toni, Shelby and Dot and all him. He’s grinning at her with so much pride.

“How do I look?” He asks and twirls for her, and then he does the cutest curtsy. 

“Perfect. You better be wearing that to the recital, I need you to be the best dressed person there.”

He giggles at that. Toni hoists him in the air and Dot helps him on Toni’s shoulders. The three of them are smiling so brightly that Fatin feels at peace and whole again. She knows undoubtedly that Toni will always be in her life, just as she is now. Perfect. And hers. Even if she also belongs to Shelby. Or with Shelby, whatever. 

Leah snaps a few pictures. Then Toni lets Ahmad down so they can pose properly. That’s when she sees what they are all wearing. Toni is decked out in a black suit that looks like it was created for her, and she looks amazing. Dot is all business up top with a black button down shirt and silver tie, her sleeves rolled up her forearms...and black cargo shorts. Shelby found a red satin dress that matches Toni’s tie perfectly. 

They strike their poses, and get playful and Toni and Shelby even kiss in a few of the pictures. Toni pretends that she’s about to kiss Dot only to start a slap battle that makes Ahmad laugh and cheer them on. Leah’s laughing and snapping photos of the whole thing, and Fatin feels her sanity returning now that she knows that things won’t change. Or if they do, they won’t ever change for the worse. These people are hers. Till death do them part.

“Hey, Leah...you should look for something while we’re here.” Shelby tells her. “I could help you look for a dress...unless you prefer to go for the dashing look...like Toni and Dot.”

Fatin smirks when Shelby’s eyes glaze over when they settle on Toni in her suit.

“I...think I want to forgo the dress and...I want suspenders.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. She can already picture Leah in a suit with suspenders and it does things to her. 

Toni grabs her hand and they head off to the men’s section. Dot and Shelby settle next to Fatin and Ahmad sits on her lap. She kisses his cheek and ruffles his hair and he just wiggles a bit and then scooches into her more. She hugs him and he relaxes against her; content and probably tired from all the action and attention.

“Dot said that I don’t have to be called a boy if I don’t want to. Or even a girl.” He glances at Dot. “They. Dot is a they sometimes and that’s okay, too.”

Fatin smiles at him. “That is okay. He, Her, They, whatever. It’s up to you.”

He nods. “I like he, but sometimes they. I think. But I still like dresses. And I like this outfit best.”

She nods. “I like that outfit best, too.”

They sit in silence for a bit. “Do you prefer They, Dot? Has it changed now? You didn’t care much about any of the pronouns before.”

Dot drums her...or  _ their _ ...fingers on their thighs and rests their head on the wall.

“I like They or Their. But I still don’t have a preference most days. I’ll let you know if that changes.” Dot smiles at her. “Thanks for asking, though. I appreciate it.”

“How about you, Texas?” Fatin teases.

“What about me? My pronouns have always been she and her.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “I was assuming that with you and Toni being attached at the hip that things may have changed. Don’t couples answer for each other. Like as a unit.”

Shelby huffs and rolls her eyes even though she’s smiling, and Dot is laughing.

“I cannot be bothered by your teasing because I’ve never been happier and...it’s actually kind of perfect...to be teased about being an item with Toni.”

Fatin laughs. “Item? What are you, a pair of socks?”

Shelby shoves at her and Ahmad slaps Shelby’s hand away in defense and Shelby looks properly chastised and Fatin’s heart grows three sizes bigger. She hugs him closer.

“We’re friends. She’s just teasing me in a friend way. I love her and she loves me.” She explains to him. “Plus, I was teasing her, too.”

He reaches for Shelby’s hand and holds it, and Fatin sees Shelby relax into the contact.

Toni and Leah approach them a few minutes later. Leah is sexy as hell. Hot. Gorgeous. Perfect.

She’s wearing black skinny jeans with boots to her knees, black suspenders, a white button down shirt with its sleeves rolled to her elbows, the first couple of buttons undone and an undone black bow tie around her neck. 

Fatin blinks slowly a few times. 

“Shit.” Shelby breathes beside her. “Sorry, earmuffs.”

She places her hands hastily and belatedly over Ahmad’s ears which causes him to giggle.

“I said something similar.” Toni admits with a smile.

“Yeah, wow.” Dot confirms. “The whole no dress thing was a great choice.”

Leah’s gaze settles on Fatin’s nervously. “And you...what do you think?”

“You’re beautiful.” Her eyes widen. “I think you look great and beautiful.” Her face is hot and her palms are sweaty and she curses herself for the cliche of it all. “Is that okay...that I said that?”

Leah swallows and nods slowly. “To call me beautiful? Why would that not be okay? I’d prefer that to you calling me ugly.”

Fatin laughs out loud at the implausibility of that. “Right. Like anyone could truthfully call you ugly.”

The way that Leah’s cheeks flush and her entire face softens and her gaze penetrates Fatin’s soul makes her fall so much deeper than she already has. And she knows she’s in trouble, and that Leah Rilke will be the death of her. But she suddenly no longer cares. She doesn’t think she ever did.

Fatin snaps a picture of her while Leah is being shy. 

“Hey, I want to see the pictures you took today.” Toni says to Leah, who easily surrenders her phone.

Toni flips through them with Shelby hugging her from behind and looking over her shoulder.

“They are amazing.” Shelby says with awe.

Toni nods and then her entire face lights up as she looks at Leah. “We found your thing.”

Leah frowns. “My what?”

“The thing you are amazing at. Your passion. Your purpose.” Toni tells her as she hands the phone to Fatin to look through. 

“Toni’s right, these are phenomenal and we’ve already seen your other photos.”

“You should enter some photo contests and stuff. Try to get them in magazines.” Shelby tells her.

Leah looks unsure.

Fatin hands Leah her phone and looks her in the eye. “Everyone should get a chance to see the world through your eyes.” 

Leah glances back at her other friends. “I mean, if you think I would be good enough for it. What would it hurt?”

“Everybody’s right. If the ones you took today are as good as the ones Toni has all over her room, then any magazine would be crazy to pass you up. And you could take some classes in college or even at the community center. One day have your own gallery. Or something. The sky’s the limit, truly.” Dot tells her.

Leah’s face beams with pride as she finally starts to let herself believe in her own fucking amazing talent, and Fatin would do anything to keep that look on her face.

“You have more than enough already for any kind of portfolio, but if you need any more models I volunteer as tribute.” Fatin tells her seriously.

Shelby smiles widely and adds. “You have to do a photoshoot. I could do hair and make-up. Literally, all of our friends are gorgeous, you could do an entire shoot and it would be pure gold.”

Leah looks unsure again, but seems to be warming to the idea.

Fatin bats her eyes at her and tries to appear as innocent as possible when she says, “Please, Jack, draw me like one of your French girls.”

Leah blushes and laughs out loud as she closes her eyes and shakes her head happily. “You’re truly horrible.”

“You love me.”

Leah smiles softly at her and rolls her eyes. “That’s debatable sometimes.”

Fatin pouts and Leah grabs her by the hand and pulls her into her. “Fine. I’d do it.” Her eyes widen. “Not the drawing you naked part. Just so we’re clear.”

Fatin laughs loudly, and so does everyone else. 

They all change back into their regular clothes and go to the cash register to purchase their new wardrobes. While standing in line, Toni screams excitedly.

“Oh my god! It happened!” She says waving her phone. “Martha spent the day with Rachel and Nora today. And Quinn, Oliver and McKenna all came over so they could watch a movie and hang out. Anyway...Oliver asked Martha out on a date!”

Everyone cheers excitedly for Martha, even though she isn’t there to see it. Eventually, they exit the store in great spirits and walk around the side of the building to their cars. Toni stops when she sees the torso of a male mannequin laying by the dumpster.

“Dude! We have to take this dude home with us.” She tells them as she walks over to it.

“What in the world are you going to do with half a mannequin?” Shelby asks. “Do I want to know?”

“I’m giving it to Martha as a gift.” Toni smirks. “She may need some practice.”

Fatin and Leah chuckle. 

“Oh my god, practice with what? She’s Ace and there’s actually nothing useful there.” Fatin says.

“True. But she can always cuddle him. I don’t know. I thought it could be funny. He can be our mascot. We can have him in all of our pictures from now on. Like ‘look who went to Disney World with us!’”

“We’re also going to Disney World now?” Dot asks with a raised eyebrow, but is smiling.

“Don’t shit on my dream.” Toni says in a sing-song voice.

“It’s just my fantasy.” Both Leah and Shelby sing in unison.

Toni’s eyes widen and she points at them with a huge smile. “You’ve done your homework! I have never been more proud of both of you in my entire life.”

Leah rolls her eyes, but Shelby smiles and kisses her soundly on the lips without hesitation.

“Do I want to know what you are all talking about?” Fatin asks.

“Fatin! You  _ have _ to watch Girl Trash.” Leah tells her with wide eyes. “That’s it. You’re coming over for movie night tonight.”

Like Fatin could ever say  _ No. _

“And we will be taking Marcus with us. Just because.” Leah adds.

Fatin raises her eyebrows. “Wait...who’s Marcus?”

She grabs the mannequin from Toni. “I think it suits him.”

Fatin laughs. “You cannot be on board with Toni’s craziness.”

“You’re only upset that you didn’t come up with the idea.” Toni argues. “I’ll surrender him tonight, but you have to give him to Martha eventually.”

They agree and part ways. Shelby and Toni head back to Toni’s while Fatin has to drive the others home. She drops off her little brother first since he looks dead on his feet, then they head to Dot’s. When Fatin pulls into the driveway, there is a car she doesn’t recognize parked in it.

“Who’s car is that?” She asks and looks in the rear view mirror to see Dot fixing their hair and straightening their shirt. “Dot...are you hooking up with someone that I don’t know about?”

Dot’s eyes widen and their cheeks go red. “What...no.”

Leah turns in her seat and faces Dot. “Who is it, Dot? You can tell us.”

“I’m not...we’re not…” Dot sighs. “Look, since I’ve been hanging out with you all more...and actually start living, according to my dad, he hired an in-home nurse to help out. Just two times a week, but it’s been a real stress reducer.”

“I’ll bet.” Fatin smirks.

“Not like that. Just...knowing I have some freedom. That I don’t have to hurry home all the time. It’s amazing what those two extra days a week do for me. Like...I love my dad. With all that I have. And I treasure the time we have together, but sometimes...it’s nice just to live. I get to feel...normal...if that’s a thing. Just for a little bit.”

“I get it. I mean, I understand what that would be like. And I’m sorry I was teasing you for it.” Fatin says.

“It’s okay. I like that you don’t pity me or treat me differently. The teasing is good.” Dot tells her.

“So...who is it?” Leah asks again. “Because all that is well and good, but you also are nervous and fixed your hair for the third time in five minutes.”

Dot shakes their head. “His name is Mateo…”

Fatin is out of the car before Dot can finish. The others rush after her.

“What are you doing?” Dot whispers harshly at her.

“When I thought it was a girl, I was curious. Now that I know it’s not…” She frowns and stops walking. “Maybe I’m assuming here, how does he identify?”

“He’s a cis male. And he knows I’m queer. He knows it all.” Dot explains.

Fatin nods. “Then I need to meet him. See what his intentions with you are.”

“What?! No, I don’t even know if he’s interested.” 

“Have you met you? How can he not be interested? You’re awesome.” Fatin continues walking. 

Dot and Leah follow wordlessly.

“I’m not going to embarrass you. I just want to feel him out.” She tells them.

Dot laughs. “Feel him out, huh? How long has it been since you...you know?” 

Fatin rolls her eyes. “My vow of abstinence is still going strong. But my hand is getting a workout.” Leah sputters cutely and Dot huffs, so Fatin laughs at them. “Kidding. Mostly.”

Fatin lets herself in and a very good looking boy is covering Mr. C. with a blanket and taking his dirty dishes to the kitchen.

“Hey, girls!” Mr. C. says brightly when he sees them. “I wasn’t expecting you to stop by for a visit.”

“You expected me to drop Dot off and not say ‘Hi?’” She pouts. “It’s like you don’t know me at all?”

He smiles at her when she hugs him and then directs his eyes toward Leah in a way that Fatin knows he knows about her feelings for her. “Hey, Leah, right? It’s great to officially meet you.”

“Yeah, not sure I’d say the same with the way you favored their team during the football game. Shelby blatantly broke the rules numerous times.” Leah tells him with a pointed glare that is betrayed by her soft smile.

And the way his entire face morphs into astonishment before he laughs makes Fatin sure that Leah just won him over for good.

“Hey, I’m a romantic at heart and I had to respect Shelby for going after what she wants.” He smiles as he beckons her in with a finger as if about to share a secret. When Leah steps closer, he stage whispers to her. “Figured the girl could use all the help she could get.”

Leah laughs. “It worked then. They’re a couple now.”

He nods. “Dottie told me she caught them kissing during laser tag.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “That’s why Toni came for my life!”

Dot and their dad laugh. 

“That tracks.” He says. “She always was all about the win.”

Leah nods in agreement. 

“How about you? Got anyone you’re interested in?” He asks her quietly, but not enough to stop Dot and Fatin from eavesdropping.

She shakes her head. “Just got out of a bad break-up. Not ready for anything yet.”

“No rush. Timing is everything.” He tells her sagely. 

Mateo walks into the room a few minutes later. “Well, if you don’t need anything else from me...I’ll let you all visit.”

“No, you come meet my girls.” Mr. C. tells him. “Fatin is my Dottie’s best friend. She’s basically been like another daughter to me the last year.”

Fatin tears up at the introduction. Timing had been perfect for them. She had been going through losing her relationship with her dad due to his adultery and dishonesty, and her betrayal of him for sharing his dick with the world. And Mr. C. was here to pick up the slack. He’s been amazing to her and for her and she feels the same way. Like he’s her second dad. If she could choose to have anyone in the world raise her, she’d have chosen him. And to know that he feels the same way means everything to her.

Leah’s warm hand holds hers and squeezes it tightly. It’s the way that Leah always seems to be aware of what she needs and when she needs it that makes Fatin so in love with her. 

“And this is Leah. She is a critic of football and apparently a stickler for rules, and...is there anything else I need to know?” He addresses her with the last part.

She smirks. “I’m a realist. I love to read. I’m also gay. Bisexual. And I adore your daughter.” She glances at Fatin. “And Fatin is pretty okay, too.”

He laughs. Mateo smiles at them and looks at Dot.

“You’re always talking about your friends, I’m really happy to finally meet some of them.” 

“Oh! You have to meet the rest of them.” Fatin tells him. “Do you have a suit?”

His eyes furrow in confusion. “Yes…”

“I have a cello recital this weekend. Mr. C. is already going, so you can’t use him as an excuse not to come.”

“I mean...okay?” Mateo replies anxiously.

Leah laughs. “It’s impossible to say ‘No’ to her, it’s not just you.” 

He smiles at that and Fatin does too. What else can she get Leah to not say  _ no _ to?

Dot awkwardly claps their hands together. “Okay! It’s been fun. Don’t the two of you have a movie to watch?”

Leah and Fatin look at each other and then Dot and Fatin knows that she probably overstepped and feels a bit bad, but also, she was trying to be a good wing person. So sue her.

“Right.” Leah says.

Before things get more awkward, they say their goodbyes and make their way back to Leah’s house, and prepare to watch the movie. But before Leah presses PLAY, she sighs and looks over at Fatin.

"I was thinking...maybe you're not feeling so much like they might abandon you...but maybe like you're being left behind."

"What?" Fatin asks looking at Leah who is looking at her laptop.

"Nora's got Quinn. Toni and Shelby have each other. Now Martha and Oliver and maybe Dot and Mateo...do you think it could be more about feeling like you're missing out? Maybe it wouldn't have bothered you before, when you never thought much of love. But you want more than just sex now. And you're seeing all of your friends finding it. And maybe you want it, too?" 

Of course she wants it! And she wants it with Leah. But how the hell does she say that without saying that.

"Or maybe, I'm wrong." Leah admits when Fatin has been silent for too long.

"What about you? You were anti-love. Are you still scared of it?"

Leah nods minutely. "Love _ is _ terrifying, isn't it? The uncertainty of it. The risk involved. I'd be a fool to not be scared of that." She sighs. "But I don't think I'm anti-love anymore. Watching them all...it doesn't make me worried about losing them and it doesn't make me feel left behind. But...it does give me hope. That I can be that excited about it again someday. I had thought I might be on the aro spectrum like Rachel, but I think I just needed time. It wasn't that it isn't on my radar...it's that I didn't want it to be."

"And now you do?"

"Not at the moment, but I think I'm getting there." She sighs. "Watching Toni and Shelby today, I want that with someone. To have someone look at me the way Shelby looks at Toni. To love myself more because someone else showed me how...like Toni learned to do."

Fatin looks out the window in silent contemplation. She wants that for Leah, too. And for herself. And it would be great if they found that together; but if they didn't, Fatin realizes she'll be okay. The way she loves Leah isn't all consuming. It's more constant than that. More pure. More beautiful. She understands Shelby better now--realizing that wanting the person you love to be happy is more important than needing them to be happy with you.

“So...are we watching this thing or what?” Fatin asks to lighten the mood.

Leah smiles and starts the movie, but Fatin immediately pauses it.

“Could we maybe...you know...move Marcus out of the way so we can both properly see the screen?” Fatin says, gesturing to the mannequin between them.

Leah laughs and shakes her head. “Yes, sorry. I...I debated drawing a big dick on him with your lipstick...but remembered it’s going to Martha and figured it’d be best I didn’t defile him first.”

Fatin laughs and moves Marcus, setting him gently on the floor. “I think it’s best you didn’t do that. And also, I’m impressed that you thought of it before I did.”

Leah scoots closer to her and balances her laptop on both of their legs. “Yeah, well, you corrupted me, so…”

“I did not!” Fatin yells and then presses PLAY.

They settle in to watch the movie, and Fatin thinks the whole night is perfect. Their movie  _ date _ , as she’s taken to call it in her own mind. The warmth that radiates at every place she feels Leah’s body pressed against hers. Leah’s soft laughter during the movie. The way that she quietly sings along to all of the songs. Everything. 

When it’s finished, Leah turns to her with wide eyes. “So…?”

“Perfect.” Fatin tells her honestly--even though it wasn’t entirely about the movie.

“I’m so glad you liked it.” Leah stretches her arms and legs out and sighs. “I wish it wasn’t a week night, next time you’ll have to stay over.”

Fatin swallows audibly at the prospect.

“How about after your recital? Would you want to?”

Not trusting her voice, she nods.

“Great! I’ll have to find another movie you haven’t watched yet, and get snacks and…”

Fatin grins at her. “You don’t need to get anything special, I’m just excited to spend time with you.”

Leah nods and then fiddles with her laptop. “Are you nervous? About the recital?”

“I’m not. I’m actually excited for it. It’ll be the first time performing for all of you. But also, I enjoy playing again. I got my passion back.”

“That’s so amazing. I’m happy for you.”

Fatin studies her. “Toni and I were serious about your photos. You’re really talented.”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t believe us?”

“It’s not that. It’s just…” She runs her hands through her hair. “It’s overwhelming, a bit...to have you all believe in me so much. I’m not used to it. I’m not used to the attention. Like...good attention. Pure motives and all that. It’s...it’s really nice. Good.”

Fatin opens her arms prepared to ask if she can hug her when Leah immediately falls into them. She sighs with contentment and wraps her in a tight embrace. They stay like that for a while before the alarm on Fatin’s phone regrettably interrupts them.

“I gotta go. I’d hate to get grounded and not be able to stay over this weekend.” Fatin tells her as she lets go of Leah and climbs off the bed. “Thanks for today.”

Leah smiles. “Thanks for always.”

And Fatin has to walk away before walking away is no longer an option. As soon as she gets to the car, she takes numerous deep breaths just to calm herself. How the hell did Shelby do it? Last a whole year pining after Toni? The respect she has for her friend triples instantly.

A few days later, they meet for her recital, all decked out for the hell of it. They found out what Fatin was wearing for her performance and wanted to dress up in solidarity. Fatin remains beyond touched by how fantastically thoughtful and supportive her friends are. And when Mateo shows up, looking dapper in his suit and leather jacket over top of it, she decides that she approves of him and can’t wait for Dot to get their happy ending, too.

When she plays for them, she puts her entire heart into the performance. And she knows she has a smile on her face the entire time. She knows she’s good. Great even. She also knows that today’s performance alone could have gotten her a scholarship to Juilliard if she wasn’t already committed to going there.

The entire audience erupts in applause when she’s finished, and she instinctively can make out her friends’ cheers from within the crowd. 

They congratulate her as soon as she is able to re-join them, and she doesn’t think her feet have touched the ground since her night with Leah two days earlier. Later, they all have a celebratory dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town.

"I still don't understand how you didn't win." Rachel tells her with a frown.

"It was a recital not a talent show. No one won, it was just about performing." Fatin explains.

"That's stupid. Why perform if you aren't competing?"

"I was performing for all of you." Fatin told her. "And I was competing against myself. Improving. That was the best performance I have ever given and not only that, it was the first time in a while it was fun for me again.”

Rachel's face softens and she nods. "Competing against yourself..." She is thinking deeply if the look on her face is any indication. "I think I want to dive again. Not to compete, but because I want to learn to love it again. For myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also for anyone who wants to know:
> 
> Shelby's Mixtape Playlist
> 
> Here's to Us- Glee Cast version  
> Landslide- Dixie Chicks version  
> Just Give Me a Reason- Pink (nod to the show but also the title is her begging Toni to let her know...)  
> God Gave Me You- Blake Shelton  
> God Blessed the Broken Road- Rascall Flatts  
> Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson (this song is SO perfect for them!)  
> Peace- Taylor Swift (Since it was mentioned Shelby is always listening to Taylor on her drives with Toni)  
> Cardigan- Taylor Swift  
> Breathe- Faith Hill  
> Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne or Glee Cast version  
> Nobody But You- Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani  
> I Feel Pretty/Unpretty- Glee Cast  
> Take My Breath Away- Berlin  
> I Want You to Want Me- Cheap Trick  
> Beautiful- Christina Aguilera  
> Fuckin Perfect- Pink (also as a nod to the show and the love of Pink)  
> Get it Right- Glee Cast  
> Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream- Pitch Perfect Soundtrack
> 
> The songs Shelby chose are either obvious title-wise or lyrics wise because this was going to be her big moment to make a move, but then Toni asked her out and they held hands the day before so her big moment never needed to happen.  
> Anyway, it's Shelby's music so there's a lot of country AND some mentions of God in the songs which I feel fit best with her character.  
> (The Glee and Pitch Perfect additions are nods to Toni's gay curriculum guide and show that Shelby did her homework and wanted to prove it to Toni!)
> 
> And
> 
> Toni's Gay Curriculum Guide
> 
> TV Shows  
> Warrior Nun  
> Atypical  
> Utopia Falls  
> One Day at a Time  
> Legend of Korra  
> She-Ra and the Princesses of Power  
> The Other Love Story  
> Lost Girl  
> Killjoys  
> Everything Sucks  
> Pose  
> Black Mirror- San Junipero  
> Black Lightning  
> Sense8  
> Carmilla  
> South of Nowhere  
> Glee (if you're desperate!)  
> *BIFL (dammit Rachel was right and this show is excellent)  
> *Haunting of Bly Manor (watch at your own risk and with proper warning)
> 
> Movies  
> The Half of It  
> Frozen 1 & 2 (Elsa's Ace, FIGHT ME!)  
> Saving Face  
> Girl Trash: All Night Long  
> Professor Marston and the Wonder Women  
> *Terminator: Dark Fate (Who knew?)  
> 
> 
> Books  
> Locked Tomb Trilogy  
> Crier's War Duology  
> Once & Future Duology  
> Priory of the Orange Tree- Samantha Shannon  
> Girl, Serpent, Thorn- Melissa Bashardoust  
> Girls Made of Snow and Glass- Melissa Bashardoust  
> The Space Between Worlds- Micaiah Johnson  
> You Should See Me in a Crown- Leah Johnson  
> Late to the Party- Kelly Quinlen  
> Interference- Zoe Reed  
> This is How You Lose the Time War- Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone  
> Taking Flight- Siera Maley  
> Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel- Sara Farizan
> 
> (She would have tried to be inclusive and diverse, and with Leah in mind she included lots of books. She would have chosen canon with mostly happy endings and coming out stories BUT it's still Toni so there is some angst!)
> 
> It is by no means comprehensive, it was just an introductory course to help them out. And she tailored it to them while still revealing a bit of herself. Enjoy!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia and brief mentions of suicide and abuse/rape
> 
> This is a long chapter and there is some angst, but you know me there is also a lot of fluff! So enjoy! :)
> 
> Next chapter will be long too with both Leah and Toni POVs, unless I separate them like I have been. We'll see how it goes!

Shelby and Toni are parked in Shelby’s car at the park that Shelby has started to refer to as theirs. They’ve been making out for the last half hour and eventually she forces herself from Toni’s arms and relaxes into her own seat. She runs her fingers through her hair and smooths out the wrinkles in her dress. Then she sighs loudly and glances at Toni before looking out the windshield at the darkness surrounding them.

“I’m...I’m going to come out to my parents tonight.” Shelby tells Toni with certainty and determination.

“You what?” Toni’s eyes widen. 

“It’s not like they don’t already know, we just sort of subscribe to a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy at home lately and frankly, I’m sick of lying. Of hiding it.”

“Are you sure? I’m okay if we…”

Shelby shakes her head and touches her fingers to Toni’s lips to silence her. “You’re not pressuring me. I know you’re not asking me or even expecting me to do this. I want to do this. I’m not ashamed of us. Of me. And I am absolutely not ashamed of you.”

“Fuck, I love you so much…” Her eyebrows rise to her forehead and her mouth drops open. “I mean…”

Shelby smiles brightly and kisses her gently with watery eyes. “I love you, too. I’d assume that much was obvious by now.”

She gestures to the speakers referring to the song playing from her CD.  _ Nobody But You _ echoes all around them. Toni smiles.

“You know...this was my big grand gesture moment. I had it all planned out.” She straddles Toni and plays with her hair as she looks into her eyes. “I had a two year plan. I was going to be friends with you. Make sure you noticed me. Then I was going to come out to my parents officially on my 18th birthday so they couldn’t send me to a conversion camp. And then...my plan was to woo you. I started to learn a few songs, trying to figure out which one I would serenade you with if I was brave enough. But I knew deep down that I’d chicken out and probably settle for expressing my love for you in your yearbook at the end of this year before we parted ways forever.” She sighs. “I can’t tell you how many love letters I wrote you only to throw them away. So this...CD...it was going to be my big brave moment. But then you asked me to take you home from practice and held my hand...and I didn’t need the CD as much as I thought. It was more of a crutch by then. So instead, I just kissed you on your birthday.”

Toni is staring at her with wonder in her eyes and Shelby can’t find it in herself to be embarrassed of her big confession.

“For the record, you never had to work very hard to get me to notice you. I had a crush on you the day you sat next to me in class and smiled at me. I was a goner. Apparently, I’m easy.” Toni teases and rests her hands low on Shelby’s hips. “I still can’t believe you liked me for a whole year and I didn’t know it.”

Shelby rolls her eyes and presses her forehead to Toni’s. “I was  _ in love  _ with you for a year. Not  _ like _ . Never just  _ like _ . Please keep up.”

Toni laughs and connects their lips in another passionate kiss that leaves Shelby breathless.

She pulls away to catch her breath and exhales shakily as their breaths mingle.

“Have I told you how sexy I think you are in this suit?” Shelby whispers huskily in Toni’s ear before lightly biting her earlobe and smirks when the action elicits a moan from the girl beneath her.

Toni clears her throat. “Umm...a few times. But you can keep saying it.” She tightens her grip on Shelby’s waist and Shelby can feel her fingers dig into her skin deliciously. “And also...you can keep doing...that.”

Shelby kisses Toni’s neck instead, sucking it hard and then licking over it to soothe her. Toni’s skin is intoxicating. Toni’s _ everything  _ is intoxicating.

They make out for a while longer, before Shelby regrettably pulls away again. She slowly detaches herself from on top of Toni.

“I can’t be late for my curfew...and also, I need to be in my right mind when I tell them.”

Toni swallows thickly and nods. “Call me...text...whatever. I need to know you’re okay after.”

Shelby bites her lip and nods. “I…I doubt I’ll stay there regardless, I don’t know how safe I’ll feel.”

“Of course. You can stay with me and Martha...I’m sure Mrs. Blackburn won’t mind. I can ask.”

Shelby shakes her head. “Leah mentioned I could always stay with her as well...and I really like her parents, I feel...I feel safe there.” Her eyes widen. “Not that I don’t feel safe with Mrs. Blackburn!”

“I know what you meant. You want to be there, in that house. And probably with less kids running around.”

She nods. “As much as I’d love the idea of waking up next to you every morning, I think it’s better for us if I stay with Leah. Because I want to date you like everything is normal. I show up to your house with flowers and take you out on a date. And you surprise me with what you’re wearing, all of it. And we can’t do that if we’re living some kind of ‘ _ and look, they’re roommates’  _ fanfic trope.”

Toni kisses her soundly. “I love everything about that sentence. But you making fanfic references is unexpectedly sexy.”

Shelby laughs and then shivers as Toni’s hands move along her torso and settle when she rests her arms over Shelby’s shoulders and pulls her closer.

“But also...I need you and Martha there. If...if it all goes bad and…” Shelby controls her breathing by taking steady breaths but can’t deny how turned on she easily becomes in Toni’s presence these days. “I’ll text you after and...just let Leah know...okay? I’ll need you all.”

Toni nods and then frowns. “I think Fatin is there. Yeah...I…”

Shelby frowns. “I don’t want to bother them if…” She sighs and runs her hands through her hair. “Maybe I’ll wait.”

“You wanted this. You worked for this.” Toni reminds her. “Sometimes, when you’re ready, you need to do it in that moment. I get that.”

Shelby nods her head resolutely. “Yes. I already packed my suitcase and put it in my trunk, just in case. I want to do this. I’ll just go to your place then.”

Toni shakes her head. “I know Fatin was looking forward to tonight with Leah, but if she for a moment knew that you needed her, she’d be there. Leah, too. They’ll be fine. I’ll text them to let them know what’s going on. To plan for it just in case.”

Shelby nods. “Thank you.”

She drops Toni off at her place and then slowly drives back home and dread sets in as if she’s on death row awaiting the executioner. Which...is not so far off, she supposes. Shelby exhales nervously as she enters the living room where her parents are watching Fox News. They both look up at her when she enters and her dad mercifully mutes the TV.

“Hey, Sweet Pea, what’s up? I feel like we never see you anymore.” Her dad tells her with a smile and it twists her insides into knots.

She wrings her hands together anxiously. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.”

He sits up straighter, and her mom gives her what must be construed as an encouraging smile even though it feels like anything but. She takes a deep breath and exhales loudly, and then the panic sets in. Her mom looks like she wants to approach her, but Shelby puts her hands up to stop her. To maintain distance. To protect herself from her own parents.

“I’m gay.” She breathes out in a barely audible whimper.

Her dad’s smile drops and he shakes his head. “No, you’re not.”

She nods emphatically. “I am. I always have been. It’s no use pretending you don’t know.”

Her dad stands up and she immediately takes a reflexive step away from him.

“You are not gay, Shelby. We raised you better than that.” He tells her.

“No...you raised me to hate myself for being who I am. But I don’t hate myself anymore and I’m sick of pretending to be happy around here when I’m not.”

He frowns at her angrily. “What’s gotten into you?” He turns toward his wife. “See, I told you. Ever since she broke up with that boy...I said that we needed to do something. But you insisted that we trust her. That we give her space and privacy.”

“Please, just let her talk.” Her mom pleads.

“This is wrong, Shelby. Do you want to end up alone? Miserable?”

She shakes her head. “But I’m not alone. I have people who love me. I love me.”

His eyes narrow further. “You had your chance, Shelby. We discussed this last year. And if you continue to behave in this manner, you’re leaving me with no choice. I’m going to call Pastor Ron about that camp we talked about. I’ll see if he has an opening for Monday.”

“You can’t do this.” Shelby is too angry to cry. “I won’t let you.”

He starts pacing and she looks at her mom pleadingly. “Please, do something.”

“Let’s talk about this, Dave. We can’t...look at her.” Her mom says with tears in her eyes. “It’s destroying her. This is destroying her. And...I don’t want to lose her like...I don’t want what happened to Becca to happen to her.”

He shakes her head. “Can’t you see? We’ve already lost her.”

Shelby breaks down upon hearing that. Her entire being trembles.

He glares at her. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“I’m still me. Just me.” She whispers through the sobs.

“No. You’re...this…” He waves his hands at her. “It's an abomination. You’re…” He sighs. “But we’ll fix this. I’ll get my little girl back.”

He already has his phone in his hand when he walks out of the room. She knows he’s calling about the camp and she needs to get out of here now.

“Shelby…” Her mom steps toward her.

“I...I can’t be here. I won’t go to that camp. I’m not broken, Mom. I’m…” She bites her lip to try to stop herself from crying further. “I’m leaving.”

She’s out the door even as she hears her mom call after her. She’s grateful that she planned ahead, that she already packed her suitcase and loaded it in the car first thing this morning. She knew what she wanted to do today, and she was aware of the consequences. And yet, she doesn’t regret any of it. She wouldn’t take it back even if she could. Not when she has some place to go. A safe place, full of love. Full of hope.

She texts Toni as she walks briskly to her car and then heads to Leah’s house. She cries the entire way as her tears flow steadily down her cheeks. She will cry for what she lost now. But when she gets to Leah’s, she wants to focus on everything she has gained. Her girlfriend. Her friends. Her freedom. Her life.

She arrives at Leah’s and takes a deep breath before she raises her hand to knock on the door. But before she can, Toni rips it open and she falls into her arms--feeling safe again. And loved again. Relief washes over her, and she sobs with anguish as Toni’s strong arms hold her.

Eventually, she allows herself to be led through the house and into Leah’s living room.

There is a fort made in the center of the room. Blankets are draped over chairs and Christmas lights decorate the inside of it. There are countless pillows on the floor, and the best part is that Fatin, Leah, and Martha are there waiting for her with open arms as well. 

She rushes over to them and collapses into them and savors the feeling of their arms surrounding her. Then something strange catches her eyes.

She pushes away from the girls and grins with a raised eyebrow. “So...um, it looks like you two have finally met.”

They look at her strangely and she gestures to Marcus. They all laugh.

“Martha’s already in love. About to give Oliver the boot.” Leah says.

Martha laughs and shakes her head with a blush. “Am not. But I do appreciate the gift.”

Shelby is beyond grateful when they don’t make her talk about what happened, because she hasn’t processed it yet and she isn’t ready anyway. She knew it would end badly, but it still doesn’t lessen the pain of rejection. It doesn’t erase the bigotry and hatred that echoes in her mind and rips apart her soul.

She feels Toni settle behind her and pull her into her, spooning her and she exhales as if she had been underwater and hasn’t taken a breath in forever. Fresh air. Life. Love.

Toni nuzzles her nose into Shelby’s neck and kisses the underside of her jaw. “So...what are we watching tonight? Leah’s never had an actual slumber party and I think this is the perfect initiation.”

And the perfect distraction.

They watch Frozen, all cuddled up together. It’s one of Shelby’s comfort movies even before it made it onto Toni’s Gay Curriculum. And she has to admit, watching it now, makes her realize how queer it truly is.

“I get it now. Elsa really is asexual.” Shelby says when it’s finished.

“She is! Right?” Martha says excitedly. “And that’s why she’s my favorite princess. A true icon.”

“Do you think she’s absolutely gay or aromantic? Because I could see it both ways.” Toni asks.

The others seem to consider the question along with Shelby.

“Both is good.” Fatin says with a grin.

“I like the idea of it being subtextual. I love subtext.”

Shelby stares at her, because of course Leah would love things that are blatant and obvious but not actually stated in words. Case in point: Fatin’s huge ass crush on her.

“I love that consent is important. Like explicitly so. Bad things happen if consent is not given.” Fatin says thoughtfully and Shelby glances at Leah who nods in appreciation.

“Yeah, I really like that, too.” Leah agrees.

“So are you all up for the sequel?” Martha asks even as she’s yawning.

“I think we can call it quits for tonight and continue tomorrow.” Leah offers. “I’m beat as well. Shelby?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I have it in me to stay up for another movie.” She admits honestly--appreciating that her friends helped her make the most of a disastrous night.

Shelby listens for the slow, relaxed breaths indicating that sleep has stolen them for the night. She detaches herself from Toni and quietly makes her way to the bathroom.

She needs to take her mouthpiece out and wash it; she can’t sleep with it, but she hates being without it--even if all her friends already know the truth. She exits the bathroom and notices Fatin for the first time, she hadn’t realized she was awake when she went into the bathroom.

“You’re still up? Did you even go to sleep yet?” She whispers when she sits down beside her.

“I don’t sleep well when my friends are hurting.” Fatin comments without looking at her. 

She looks tired. Exhausted in the way that Shelby feels. Shelby glances at the others who are cuddled together and look peaceful.

“Did something else happen? Are they...is there something wrong?” She questions.

Fatin looks at her and rolls her eyes. “I was talking about you, asshole.”

“Oh.” Shelby blushes and looks at her hands awkwardly.

Fatin sighs. “I’ve been sitting here thinking about how randomly unfair life is. We’ve all had our own shit to deal with. But...Leah’s got both of her parents and they are fucking fantastic. And Martha’s mom is wonderful. And I have a great relationship with my mom now. And Toni and Martha have Mrs. Blackburn. But Dot...Dot only has her dad and he’s the World’s Greatest Dad, but he’s fucking dying. And then...there’s you.” Fatin looks at her with so much emotion shining in her eyes. “You are one of the most amazing and beautiful and incredible people I have ever met and your fucking parents refuse to see it because you don’t fit with their beliefs on what a  _ good fucking person _ is.”

Shelby has always admired Fatin’s passion and loyalty, but it isn’t usually directed at her and it’s powerful and inspiring and a little terrifying.

“Fatin…”

Fatin shakes her head. “I want to get this out. I’m proud of you more than you could ever know. Because...you risked everything for a chance at love. You are braver than anyone I know because you fought tooth and nail to become who you are despite where you came from. I’m honestly in awe of you sometimes.”

Shelby’s heart warms at that. “Can I talk now?”

Fatin smirks at her. “And you’ve got spunk. I like it.”

Shelby smiles back. “The whole love thing...I don’t feel like I risked everything because the way I feel about Toni...if felt like a far bigger risk letting her go. Not trying at all. As for the brave thing...if I’m brave, it’s only because I knew I had all of you to back me up. To support me as I try and catch me if I fail. You think I’ve changed so much and maybe I have. But...it feels more like I got to finally reveal myself to people who were willing to look a little deeper. What’s that thing Michelangelo said...something about the angel being inside the stone all along? That it was just his job to reveal it.”

Fatin chuckles. “I doubt anyone’s ever called me an angel.” 

Shelby rolls her eyes. “You know...if you look for demons, you’re bound to find them.”

Fatin frowns. “Okay, when did you get so insightful and smart?”

This time it’s Shelby who laughs. “Honestly, I think that was a conversation I had with Nora and Leah. They were talking about a book or something and I was lucky enough to be able to listen to them.”

Shelby watches as Fatin’s face softens at the mention of Leah. 

Fatin sighs. “I’m guessing that now that you and Toni are together, I have to stop flirting with her.”

Shelby rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Only if she tells you to. I’m not jealous of what you have with her, Fatin. I know you mean a lot to her and I find your friendship amusing and adorable.”

Fatin grins. “Good to know.”

Shelby raises an eyebrow. “That was in no way a challenge to see how much I will let you get away with.”

Fatin laughs loudly at that and then looks suddenly concerned when the others shift in their sleep. Shelby loves how much she cares, even if at times she pretends to be even colder or more closed off than Toni or Rachel attempt to be. She understands from watching them that anger tends to be how pain reveals itself. And not that Fatin has a lot of anger, not like Toni or Rachel, but Fatin protects herself in her own way, and she tries to be tough for everyone else. Shelby admires that, but it also makes her a bit sad for the girl. For all of them.

They fall into a companionable silence. Fatin rests her head on Shelby’s shoulder and Shelby wraps an arm around her. Eventually, she breaks their peaceful solitude with a question that’s been on her mind.

“How’s your...vow of…” Shelby sighs. "You know, how’s the no sex thing going?”

Fatin chuckles. “Good. Had to invest in a new vibrator though.”

Shelby’s eyes widen. “Dear Lord…”

"Come on, it's fun to be filthy." Fatin’s smile turns into a smirk. “Don’t act all innocent with me, Goodkind. I see you undressing Toni with your eyes all the time.” Shelby breaks into a coughing fit and Fatin takes pity on her. “Sorry, I forget who I’m talking to sometimes.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “Riiight.” She draws out. Then she smirks darkly. “So...Leah?”

She feels Fatin stiffen in her grasp, before she relaxes again. “Yeah?”

“I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.” Shelby offers kindly.

There is a prolonged silence and then Fatin sighs deeply. “We’re friends. I would love to be more. _ So  _ much more. But...I also just want her to be happy. To be okay.”

Shelby nods. “I’ve been there. I know how contradictory those can be sometimes.” She pauses, and looks at Fatin carefully. “At first, I thought that Leah and Toni...were...I wondered about them. And I wanted to hate Leah, but she’s so good and pure and...I could see what a positive presence she was in Toni’s life. So I thought that if Leah was what made Toni happy, then I would be happy, too.”

“And were you?”

“Yes. But also...I was heartbroken. It hurt like hell to think I wasn’t even considered an option for her. But that was on me, you know? Because I wasn’t out at the time. And Toni didn’t realize I  _ was  _ an option.”

Silence befalls them again.

“So...you’re saying...let her know I’m an option. And let the rest be up to her?”

Shelby shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m saying. But...you won’t know if she’s ready for anything unless you talk to her about it. Maybe not confessing your undying love or anything.” She smirks when Fatin pushes her. “But see where she’s at with healing. Not to push her, but to let her know you’re willing to listen. And if you can figure out how to also let her know you’re open to something...that she has the option...I don’t think that could be a bad thing. Being her friend is important. But knowing what kind of friend she needs is more important. And you won’t know that unless you ask.”

Fatin nods. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ve been following her lead for the most part, but it would be nice to be able to anticipate what she needs so I can help her without her needing to ask. Sometimes, it’s hard to ask for help, especially when you need it the most.”

“I absolutely know that’s true. Especially when you don’t know  _ what  _ to ask. Sometimes, we know ourselves the least. At least, I know I did. I didn’t realize what I needed until I already had it with all of you.”

Fatin hugs her. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep? You know they will be patient only so long before they want to hear what happened. Tomorrow will be a big day.”

Shelby nods. “Yeah, I texted Rachel, Nora and Dot when I got here to fill them in a bit. I want to tell you all together so I don’t have to repeat the story too many times.”

Fatin nods. “We don’t need the details, Shelby. Just give us what you’re comfortable sharing. Broad strokes if you need. We just want to know that you’re okay and what you plan to do from here. I know Leah’s parents are fine with you staying as long as you need, and I talked to my mom, too. My house is yours whenever you need it.”

Shelby smiles gratefully at her. She kisses Fatin on the cheek and then crawls back into the fort and snuggles into Toni. She can’t fall asleep though, no matter how badly her mind and body need the rest. She eventually hears Leah get up and sit next to Fatin.

“Hey, how was your first official slumber party?” Fatin asks her quietly.

“All things considered, great. I mean, I’m always happy being around all of you. I’m just...it sucks, you know. I didn’t even know I was gay and my parents basically shoved me out of the closet with their love and support until I realized they were right. And Shelby, she’s been living with this for who knows how long...and her parents...I hate that they don’t see how amazing she is. I hate that they’re hurting her.”

“I know. Me too.”

“I wish I could do more. I wish that she understood what she means to all of us. How much we love her. How we’d do anything for her.”

“I think she knows.”

Shelby cries silently as hot tears stream down her face. She knew they loved her, but to hear it...on tonight of all days, it is everything she didn’t know she needed. It’s why she loves them so much in return.

“About what you said before...the Elsa thing. About consent.” Leah says reverently in a whisper. “How do you always know what to say? What I don’t realize I need to hear?”

“What do you mean?”

“Dealing with my...stuff. I just, I’ve been fine with hugs and honestly, I do crave the intimacy that comes from human contact. Like the way we were all cuddled up tonight, in a way, it recharges me. If that makes sense.”

“It does.”

“But I’ve been thinking about what else I may or may not be comfortable with. And now that I am on board with the possibility of falling in love someday, I started to recently think about what falling in love would entail. And...I talked to Martha earlier. She’s worried about dating Oliver and not having him accept that she’s ace. Which, he will, we all know that. But the worry is there, regardless. And I was wondering what I’d want from a relationship. And...I do want sex. I thought maybe I wouldn’t for a while, but you were right. Consent  _ is _ important. And my focus, when I’m ready is to find someone who understands and respects that. I didn’t realize it at the time, until you said the words tonight. And then it hit me, how important it is to me. How integral it is to my healing and learning to trust again. I...like I said, you somehow always know what to say to teach me things about myself and I don’t know how you do it, but thank you.”

Shelby smiles as her tears dry. They were all going through shit. And they all had each other. And they were all going to be okay. Leah may not realize  _ why  _ or  _ how  _ Fatin sees her so well, but Shelby has faith that she’ll get there. If Toni can learn to see what’s right in front of her, then Leah will too. 

The next morning, she wakes up to Toni holding her and for a moment, she lets herself revel in it until the events leading up to why they’re here overwhelm her with sorrow again. She forces herself not to wallow too long, which is easier than anticipated when she remembers that Toni told her she loved her last night. And then everything is right in her world again. For another moment. One moment at a time. One foot in front of the other. Little by little.

She shifts, attempting to extract herself from Toni’s grasp so she can hurry and replace her mouth piece before anyone wakes up. But Toni’s eyes pop open and she smiles at Shelby so sincerely that Shelby smiles back automatically. Then her eyes widen and she snaps her mouth closed and covers it with her hand.

Toni’s face softens impossibly more, and she gently encourages Shelby’s hand away from her mouth by bringing it to her lips and kissing each fingertip. Shelby stares at her in awe. Then Toni laces their fingers together, and locks eyes with Shelby.

“I love you, Shelby. In every possible way and think you are beautiful, _ so  _ beautiful. Please...let me see you. Let me kiss you.” She tells her sincerely, yet firmly.

And Shelby believes her. Every single word. She opens her mouth, and smiles. A real, genuine smile and closes her eyes when Toni runs her finger across Shelby’s bottom lip before leaning in to claim the kiss she asked for. And Shelby kisses her, and gets lost in the kiss. She maneuvers so that she is laying on top of Toni and rests her weight on her forearms as she kisses Toni’s jaw, neck and…

“Not that I’m not enjoying the show…” Leah says quietly. “But maybe...before Martha wakes up...you...control your hormones.”

Toni and Shelby laugh in embarrassment at being caught and Shelby regrettably crawls off of Toni. 

“How long were you watching before you decided to say something?” Shelby asks with a raised eyebrow.

Leah blushes. “Not as long as Fatin. She woke me up as soon as Toni told you she loved you.”

“Traitor.” Fatin huffs with a laugh. “But since we’re discussing this. You  _ love  _ her, huh?”

Toni rolls her eyes and fixes her shirt that has risen up her torso. “I do. I think it’s stupid that we so easily say it to each other, but then freak out and make a deal about it when referring to someone we’re dating. Why? Love is love. And if I feel it, I’m gonna say it. I’m sick of being scared of stupid things.”

Shelby is proud of her. She kisses her cheek and stands up.

“Who’s in love?” Martha asks, stretching with her eyes closed. “Did Fatin....”

And Fatin jumps on Martha faster than Shelby has seen anyone move in her life. Leah watches with surprise and Toni and Shelby work to suppress giggles. Martha’s eyes shoot open and she pushes Fatin off of her.

“I’m up. I’m awake.”

Fatin settles on her knees and runs her hands through her hair. Then she does what she always does, she distracts with a joke. “Looks like Marcus kept you warm last night.”

Martha is still wrapped around him, holding him. She smiles at Fatin and rubs down Marcus’s chest. “I slept very well last night. Thank you.”

They all descend into laughter. Shelby uses that to escape to the bathroom. She exhales in relief when she gets her teeth safely back in and then jumps when Toni is standing outside the door as she attempts to exit it.

“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier.” She tells her shyly.

“Are you kidding me? That was the best way to wake up, ever.” Shelby smiles at her. “I love that you...that you see me. All of me and love me anyway.”

“Love you  _ more _ because of it Shelby, because being vulnerable and honest and real is sexy as hell.”

Shelby blushes.

“It’s out of habit now. But also, I do feel vulnerable after last night. And this...these…” She points to her mouth. “It’s like armor, you know? It’s fake and superficial and I get all of that...but sometimes, being too real...it’s...terrifying still. And the hurt...the brokenness is still raw. So I need this. Like a security blanket or something.” She sighs. “But I don’t need it like I used to. I don’t cling to that identity the way I used to. I like being seen by you. By them. Just not...not today. Okay?”

Toni nods. “Whatever you need. Shelby. I’m here. Today. Tomorrow.” She looks down shyly. “Forever?”

Shelby swallows slowly, audibly. And then pulls Toni into her and kisses her chastely before hugging her. “Forever sounds perfect. Not to be rushing into things or anything, but I really have waited a long time for this. So I’m so glad that you’re all in as well.”

They all eat breakfast together after Mrs. Rilke cooks for them and when they’re finished, she texts Dot, Rachel and Nora to come over. And fills them all in one what happened. Vaguely. She gets through it easier than she thought, with Martha on one side of her holding her hand, and Toni on the other, hugging her.

“My mom surprised me though. She never argued with him before, about anything. I just always assumed she believed the same. Maybe she does, and she’d rather tolerate me than lose me. I don’t know. I want to believe that she could come around, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up.” She leans more fully into Toni and lets her wrap her entirely in her embrace. “It was nice though, having her defend me. To have her not just sit and take it or worse, join in. I didn’t know how much I needed her to do that until she did it. And it wasn’t even much, she could have done more. A lot more. But it was something. And that mattered to me.”

“Moms have a way of surprising you in the best ways sometimes.” Fatin comments with a nod of her head. “I’d say give her a chance if she asks for it. Even parents make mistakes sometimes.” Then she straightens her posture. “But if she turns out to be an asshole like your dad, I call dibs on kicking her ass.”

Shelby laughs at that.

“You’ll have to get in line.” Toni growls.

Shelby is grateful for them. For their support. For the fact that they listened. But she was ready to talk about something else. Anything else.

“Oh!” Nora interrupts. “I brought you something.” 

She did always have the most perfect timing in the most unconventional of ways. She rushes to her bag and pulls out a book.  _ Faithfully Religionless _ .

“I thought it might help...so that you don’t have to let what your dad believes hurt your faith. I know he’s a pastor and I’m not sure you’ll feel safe in his church right away or ever...so…” Nora explains.

“That is a good one.” Leah adds smiling. “That was one of my favorites that you shared with me. I really enjoyed our discussions about it.” She tells Nora and then looks at Shelby. “I’m always open for a discussion about religion. I don’t consider myself religious, but I do enjoy the philosophical and spiritual aspects of it.”

Shelby nods gratefully. “I brought your book back as well.” She remembers and tells Leah. “When I packed my suitcase, I saw it on my desk and didn’t want to leave it there. Remind me to get it for your later.”

Nora grabs another book out of her bag and hands it to Leah.  _ From Here to Eternity. _

“You were right, this was enjoyable.” She tells her. “Death intrigues me. Always has.”

Okay? This conversation got kind of weird. Or maybe just, uncomfortable for Shelby. Losing Becca stills affects her and she didn’t think that the mere mention of death would trigger her. But maybe her emotions are already heightened so it was inevitable.

“Speaking of things to share…” Rachel says. “I’ve been doing my own research and found an awesome queer web series that has an aromantic character in it.” She looks at Toni. “And I already checked, it’s not on your list even though it should be!”

Toni looks at her intently. “I have a very comprehensive system for choosing recommendations.”

“It’s a diverse cast and features various identities...ace and nonbinary, aromantic, and bisexual to name a few. It’s hilarious, but has depth and angst. It should tick all your boxes.”

“That’s what she said.” Fatin coughs in her hand and gets Leah to giggle along with her.

“Enough talk, when are we watching it?” Shelby asks. 

And that’s how they found themselves binging season one of BIFL.

“Okay...so that was excellent.” Toni says at the end. “I hate that it ends there, and I absolutely have a crush on Sarah.”

“Sarah is amazing...but I want to hug Taylor and never let go.” Shelby adds.

Rachel beams proudly. “See?”

Toni nods. “Yes. I will add it to the list. It was low on ace and nonbinary rep anyway, and this was the first time I saw an aromantic on screen.”

“I know! I felt so validated.” Rachel says with contentment and joy.

“But like...we don’t hate Chloe...right? It’s not her fault Jill’s in love with her and she can’t see it. She’s adorable and kind and…” Leah trails off looking at everyone. “Well?”

Shelby shares a look with an exasperated Dot and then glances at Fatin, who looks so positively enamored.

“Chloe is good. We could never hate her. It’s not her fault.” She tells Leah and Leah looks immediately less distraught. “She’s just trying to figure herself out and shit like that takes time.”

“Exactly.” Leah nods. “Which means, I don’t know who I ship Jill with. I'm very indecisive.”

Shelby feels Toni’s arms tighten around her and then a hot breath on her ear. “Five bucks says that Leah will figure it out never.”

Shelby laughs and turns in Toni’s arms. “Be nice. That’s your best friend.” She whispers. “You know you love her.”

“I do. So much. But I feel so bad for Fatin. I also feel like shit for what you must have gone through with me.”

“It was worth it. I promise. And it will be for them, too.”

“I still don’t get what BIFL means.” Nora says randomly and everyone laughs along with her, and she smiles at them understanding that they were just as lost as she was and that is what made it funny.

Her friends stay all day until it’s time for them to get home and get ready for the next week of school. Luckily, they cleaned up the living room before everyone left, so now it was just Shelby and Leah relaxing. Leah walks Shelby to the guest room and helps Shelby settle in. Shelby grabs the book out of her suitcase.

_ Say What You Mean _

“It was really helpful. I used it to communicate with Toni better and it helped me understand her and how to get into the deep conversations without forcing it or scaring her off. At least, from my point of view, anyway.”

Leah smiles and nods. “Yeah, it was helpful for me as well. My therapist also recommended quite a few books that have been helpful in understanding myself, understanding the motivations of others, and in learning to forgive myself. I can recommend you some if you’re interested. Or just browse my bookshelves and choose what you want any time. Reading and meditating has been therapeutic for me--taught me to be kinder to myself. I know that it might sound weird but…”

“It doesn’t.” Shelby interrupts her. “It sounds great actually. I could always use some insight.”

Leah sighs. “I feel like with all of the focus on trying to heal, that I’m back where I started though. I don’t want to be self involved or selfish, and I feel like I miss things with you all sometimes. But...I also know that I need to do the work. That it’s important.”

“It _ is _ important. And you aren’t self-involved or selfish for taking care of yourself and working on your healing. Self-care is the most important thing you can do right now.”

“Sometimes, I have these huge revelations about myself and think how did I never know? Like with my being gay. But also, the more I seem to learn about myself...it’s like the less I understand.”

“We are all beautiful mysteries and the magic is in the unraveling of them.”

Leah smiles. “I feel awful about what happened, Shelby. But also, I’m so damn proud that you did it. You stood up for yourself. You didn’t let anyone tell you who you are or who to love--you just did it in your own way. And I love that for you.”

Shelby smiles in response. “I’m glad I did it, too. It hurts like hell to be rejected by my parents, my dad particularly. But it’s also so freeing. I feel liberated. Empowered. Inspired.”

“And you and Toni….sorry about this morning, by the way.”

“ _ I’m _ sorry about that. Defiling your pillows and all.”

Leah laughs. “It makes me happy to see you both happy. You’re ridiculously and nauseatingly adorable, and it makes my heart full.”

Shelby smiles gratefully at her as she sits on the bed and begins to relax into the conversation. 

Leah shuffles nervously from foot to foot and Shelby furrows her eyebrows in consideration.

"What is it?" She asks softly.

Leah looks at her with wide eyes and stands up straighter. "Oh." She sighs. "Um...do you know...Fatin's dating someone, isn't she?"

Shelby's mouth drops open. "What?"

Leah shrugs. "Martha...this morning, mentioned Fatin when we were talking about love. And, come on, Shelby, she has someone listed as  _ Soulmate _ in her contacts."

Shelby frowns. "She isn't dating anyone. You should talk to her."

Leah rolls her eyes. "We talk all the time. She's had all the time in the world to tell me." Leah looks at her full of vulnerability. "Do you think she doesn't trust me?"

Shelby stands up and wraps her arms around Leah. "No, hey, Leah. You're like her favorite person. She trusts you."

She feels Leah nods against her and when she sighs, her breath tickles Shelby's neck.

"You're right. I'm being stupid."

"You're not." Shelby tells her firmly.

"She was talking about being scared of losing Toni now that you are dating, and I thought she was overreacting about that kind of fear. And then...here I am doing the same thing with her."

Shelby steps away and looks at her softly. "She was scared?"

Leah nods.

"She has nothing to be scared of. And neither do you. We're both stuck with her."

Leah smiles with a lopsided grin. "Stuck? Come on. It's not so bad. She's pretty great."

"She is." Shelby stares at her. "And so are you."

Leah smiles gratefully at her. "Thank you."

The next day at school goes by in a blur and Shelby can’t wait to get to the GSA club meeting just to be around her people. Her family. She is working on autopilot all day because school isn’t distracting enough to keep her mind off of what happened with her parents. She actually blocked her dad’s number so he couldn’t keep sending her Bible verses condemning her. And she eventually turned the whole thing off because she is scared to read what her mom had left in each of her twelve voicemails. It is overwhelming and her heart aches and she needs the reminder that she is loved. That she matters. That there are people out there grateful for her existence, as she is. People who don’t want to change her. 

She lets Toni hold her in the meeting, and feels loved even more as Dot, Fatin, Leah, Martha, Rachel and Nora alternate sitting next to her and holding her hand and whispering that they love her. She isn’t sure how to bring it up--how to tell the others without breaking down completely. So she sits quietly and lets them talk. She is present for them and listens.

“I was wondering...I...I don’t think I ever want to date again. Or have sex. Like, I wasn’t all that keen on dating originally, I don’t think. I never thought much of it and…” Jeanette sighs loudly. “I just...if I am aro or ace or both...I don’t honestly know if I always was or if it’s a product of what happened to me as a survivor. And then I worry that if I use those labels for myself...does that invalidate how you feel being those things? Like am I not ace or aro enough to warrant the labels? Would it upset you if I chose to identify this way? I don’t want to take away from your personal experience since, for you, it is intrinsic and for me...I don’t have a fucking clue.”

Rachel shakes her head. “How you choose to identify is valid for you. And it doesn’t take away from how I feel or my personal identity.” She smiles at her kindly. “Plus, it doesn’t matter how it came to be. The reason doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are here now. And it’s how you feel and it’s real. And maybe tomorrow it will be different. We all change and evolve and learn new things about ourselves. You don’t have to feel stuck in a single label or need one to fit exactly. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you need to fit yourself into a box for them to be comfortable knowing how to  _ see  _ you.”

Jeanette nods shyly and smiles at her gratefully.

“I agree with Rachel.” Martha says. “What happened to me happened when I was young, so it’s hard to say what came first, my abuse or my identity. But none of that matters. What matters is that I am ace. And if that’s how you choose to identify, then you are too. It’s as simple as that.”

Nora nods in agreement. “For me, I always knew. And...me knowing doesn’t take away from you just figuring it out. And vice versa. It is a spectrum. And also, feelings are complicated and the way we feel about our own bodies is complicated, too.”

“I get what you’re saying, Jeanette. I was struggling with the same thing recently. Trying to figure out my identity in regards to my trauma. For me, I realized I’m  _ not  _ ace, and that I do want a relationship again someday. But for a time...I did wonder, and I think that’s okay. To not know. To not be sure.” Leah explains.

The rest of the room murmurs their support and Jeanette sighs in relief. “I was so scared to admit that to you all. I’m still working on letting myself trust so easily, and I do...trust you all. But...I don’t always trust myself anymore and I don’t know if I’m learning myself finally for the first time or if I’m still struggling with my trauma and healing...and that terrifies me. I used to be so sure of myself and now I’m not sure of anything.”

“If there is one thing you can be absolutely sure of, it’s that we’ll always be here for you as you figure it all out.” Regan tells her and then glances at Shelby and the way she is being held by Toni and she smiles at her. At them. “And...I...am…” She takes a deep breath to steady herself. “I’m gay.”

It’s barely audible, but she says the words. Out loud. To a room full of people, and Shelby is so proud of her. In fact, she knows intimately how hard that is. So she stands up and rushes to her and hugs her. Then she hugs Jeannette. The others follow suit and hug them both and congratulate them for their bravery and thank them for their honesty.

“So...I have a question...and it might go against our aforementioned rules...but, I could really use proper insight…” Leah stutters awkwardly through her sentence.

Fatin holds her hand and Toni crawls over to her and hugs her.

Leah closes her eyes as she continues. “When you were first coming out...did you have any sex dreams about your friends?”

Fatin starts choking and the entire room goes quiet aside from her gasps for breath. 

Leah shifts uneasily. “So...that’s a no then?” She frowns. “Or is that a yes?”

“Yes.” Shelby admits so that Leah doesn’t feel so alone. “I think it’s a right of passage.”

Toni nods. “Constantly.”

Shelby raises an eyebrow. “Constantly? Who are these friends? And how often?”

Dot, Leah and Rachel laugh. 

“Like...was the dream...good?” Fatin asks with her voice an octave lower than usual.

“Really good.” Leah nods with a blush.

Fatin’s face goes blank as she attempts to process it.

“You’re not going to tell us who, are you?” Dot wonders, then shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal. It’s normal.”

“Absolutely normal.” Shelby confirms as she glances at Toni.

Toni looks like she’s trying to work something out and Shelby really hopes she figures it out soon, because Leah is going to need her own help processing what it most likely means. And Shelby  _ really  _ hopes, for Fatin’s sake, that it means what Shelby thinks it means. Assuming that it is Fatin she dreamt about.

“But if you were going to tell us about it...if it wasn’t against the established rules…” Fatin attempts again, but is cut off by Martha.

“Why don’t we see if anyone else wants to discuss something that doesn’t include sex in any form?”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Right. Of course. Sorry.” She kisses Leah’s temple. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”

Leah swallows and leans into Fatin. “That’s okay. I was the one that asked and sprung it all on you like that.”

Toni points at Fatin. “Don’t turn that into an innuendo. Sex talk is done.”

Fatin lowers her head with a smirk, having been properly scolded.

“I have an official date with Mateo. The home nurse who helps out my dad.” Dot announces into the silence.

“He’s dreamy. I approve.” Fatin says happily. “Oh, would you like a chaperone?”

“I don’t need a chaperone...but, I mean...we could make it like a double date thing. Take the pressure off. It’s actually my first date ever and I’m really nervous.” She looks at Martha. “How about you and Oliver this Friday after the game?”

Martha shakes her head. “We already have plans. Tickets to a concert, we’re actually going to miss the game this time.”

Dot drops her head for a moment and then looks up, catching Shelby’s eye. “Shelby and Toni?”

Shelby blushes. “Well, we could...I mean…”

Dot laughs. “You want alone time to shag. I get it.”

Shelby’s eyes widen and her jaw drops. “I never...we haven’t…”

“It was a joke.” Toni whispers.

“If you want to be alone, my parents will be out Friday night. Date night. And Fatin and I could keep Dot company.” Leah offers. “I mean, I’m up for a movie or whatever you had in mind.”

Shelby hides her smiles in Toni’s hair when Fatin’s jaw resembles a fish out of water.

Leah turns to Fatin. “You wanted to chaperone anyway, right? We could all just hang out.”

Fatin nods minutely. “Yeah. That could...yeah.”

Dot smiles triumphantly and shares a knowing smile with Shelby that lets her know she had hoped for this outcome all along. She is excited for her friends, but now is suddenly very nervous for Friday to come. An empty house with Toni has her mind traveling to so many wonderful scenarios. Maybe Leah wouldn’t be the only one with fantasies about to come true.

As the meeting draws to an end, Shelby decides that she’s ready to tell the rest of her friends what happened to her this weekend.

“I...before we go, I wanted to say something.” She runs her hands through her hair nervously. Not because she is scared to tell them, but because she hates talking about her parents. She hates thinking about them even if that’s all she thinks about lately. Well, almost all she thinks about.

“It’s okay. We’re here.” Toni whispers in her ear and kisses her on the cheek.

“I came out to my parents this weekend...and then ran away from home.” She says in a rush. “It went really badly, and dad was on the phone calling a pastor he knows who runs a conversion camp. He planned to try to get me in as soon as today.”

She told them more than she told her friends this weekend. This weekend she only talked about how much it hurt to be rejected. How they still didn’t understand or accept it. Accept her. And she told them how much hatred she felt, and fear, radiating off of them. It felt familiar, because it used to be inside her. But today, she wanted them to truly understand. To know. All of it.

Leah’s hand rests on her knee and Martha leans against the other side of her, and it gives her the strength to continue.

“My dad...my mom said she was scared of losing me...scared that I’d...you know?” She actually mimed slitting her throat because she couldn’t say the words. “And you know what he said? He said they already lost me. That he didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was standing in front of him, crying, begging him to see me...and he just...he walked away with disgust and made the phone call. I mean, I expected most of it. Even prepared myself for it. But it still hurt. And for him to say that he already lost me...that cut deep. I still hear his voice in my head every time I close my eyes.”

Toni rubs comforting circles on her back and it relaxes her slightly. She’s surprised she got it all out with so little emotion. It’s like she feels hollow. Or that the pain is so prevalent and so consistent that she couldn’t even feel it anymore. Couldn’t distinguish between the pain and herself. 

“Shelby…” 

She heard the lilt to Toni’s voice, the way it wavered and felt Toni’s tears burn down her neck and onto her shirt. And it was hearing the pain in her voice...the way Toni hurt for her....that brought her back to life. That made her feel the pain in her chest. And suddenly, she was sobbing in anguish and gasping for a breath.

She felt everyone’s hands on her, holding her. Rocking them as murmurs of love and acceptance filled her soul. The dichotomy of it was overwhelming. The pain and the healing simultaneously inhabiting the same place in her chest. Her heart. Her soul.

Eventually, they have to leave. Toni has basketball practice, and everyone else had previously planned to join Rachel at the pool for her first day of diving for herself. For the passion of it. For the pure joy of loving something so much.

Fatin sits beside her when they get to the bleachers. “I want to say something inspiring, but also...I want your address so I can go over to your house and murder for father.”

Leah sits next to Fatin and Martha sits on the other side of Shelby. The rest surround them.

Nora turns around and faces them.

“You know, trees depend on wind to build their strength. It’s the constant need to engage and resist little by little that makes them strong enough to stand tall as they continue to grow. Without wind, they would eventually fall down.” Nora states casually. “I thought that was better than just saying ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.’ Because...I like trees. And... _ we _ are like Redwoods. We are connected by our roots. That makes us stronger yet. And we share that strength and our nutrients...with each other. And because of that...we can withstand the wind that comes. And each time we do, together...we get even stronger. We grow even more. Faster. Higher. Better. Just like trees.”

Shelby starts to cry again. Because that was perfect. Nora is perfect. They are all perfect. And truly, fuck her father if he can’t see that. She has her own family now. And they are strong and they are brave and good and they will survive.

“Thank you, Nora.” Shelby tells her when she settles. “That was just what I needed to hear.”

Nora beams at her proudly. “You’re welcome.”

Fatin nudges her with her shoulder. “My offer still stands.” 

Shelby laughs. “I’m sure Toni will help you hide the body.”

“No shit. She’d help me plan the murder.” Fatin grins. “Why aren’t you watching her practice? I figured you’d want to be near her.”

Shelby smiles. “She didn’t want me to be alone. And she wanted to be here for Rachel, so she said I could represent both of us.”

Fatin laughs. “See! I knew it. You  _ are  _ a They now.”

Shelby rolls her eyes.

“Um...what’s Toni doing here?” Martha asks as she points to the door Toni just entered through.

Toni quickly makes it up the bleachers toward them. “Hey, did I miss her first dive?”

“No, she’s not done changing into her suit.” Nora tells her.

“What are you doing here?” Shelby asks in awe.

“Told Coach I can’t practice today. Personal reasons.” Toni explains. “You see, my girlfriend is having a bad day and I want to make sure she’s okay. And one of my best friends is diving again and it’s a big moment for her and I didn’t want to miss it.”

Shelby wipes at her eyes and smiles broadly. “God, I love you so much.”

She grabs her face and kisses her.

“That is such a baller move. The captain of the team refusing to practice because basketball isn’t the most important thing in her life anymore.” Fatin comments. “I’m kind of hot for you right now.”

Toni shoves her and then kisses her forehead. “Love you too, asshole.”

Fatin laughs. She scoots over and let’s Toni squeeze in between her and Shelby, putting herself significantly into Leah’s space. Rather than give them more room, Leah remains planted in her spot so Fatin rearranges herself and kicks her legs up on Leah’s lap. Leah automatically holds them in place and Fatin relaxes into Toni. 

When Rachel walks out of the locker room and heads toward the diving board, everyone screams excitedly for her. She looks at them and Shelby can see her wide smile and white teeth from the bleachers. She waves at them, and climbs to the top before diving off and performing a perfect, in Shelby’s opinion, reverse two and a half somersaults, tuck.

Shelby drives Toni and Martha home after Rachel finishes diving. Martha hugs Shelby from the back seat and gives her a sloppy peck on the cheek before she gets out of the car and leaves Shelby alone with Toni.

“So…” Shelby says quietly.

“So..” Toni repeats. “We don’t have to talk about it. We can just sit here and be.”

Shelby smiles and laces her fingers through Toni’s. “Or we can sit here and you can kiss me.”

“That’s amendable.” Toni says as she pulls Shelby toward her and kisses her deeply.

She licks Shelby’s bottom lip to request access that Shelby readily gives. Distantly, she hears the CD she made for Toni playing in the background and loves that it has become their soundtrack. The soundtrack to their lives...to their relationship...to these moments.

She moans when Toni nips at her bottom lip, tugging it with her teeth. Then she pushes into Toni further, runs her hands through her hair and reattaches their lips to continue the explorations of their tongues. Of their hands. She wants to know everything there is to know about Toni. Every inch of her. But she is also not ready for that yet. Not ready to lose her virginity in the front seat of a car, no matter how turned on she is at the moment. 

Slowly, and regrettably, she extracts herself from Toni and gives them a safe distance to just  _ be _ . Like Toni had suggested originally.

Toni points to the radio. “So...which song did you plan to serenade me with in your fantasies?” She asks with a quirked eyebrow and a devilish smirk that sends waves of pleasure straight through Shelby’s entire being.

She blushes and shakes her head. “None of these. The one I really wanted to play...I chickened out and didn’t put it on here.”

“Oh really?” Toni closes the distance between them and kisses Shelby’s neck and then down to her collarbone. 

Shelby moans in contentment and in pleasure. But then that moan of ecstasy turns into a groan of dissatisfaction when Toni’s lips are no longer on her skin.

“Tell me more…” Toni whispers seductively.

Shelby swallows thickly and closes her eyes. “How about...you kiss me now and I’ll serenade you on Friday?”

Toni’s response is immediate. Her tongue trails up Shelby’s neck, causing her to shiver, and then her teeth attach to Shelby’s earlobe. She bites sharply, causing more pleasure than pain though and Shelby is almost undone. Then Toni’s lips graze the shell of Shelby’s ear.

“Deal.” She says huskily.

And then she’s out of Shelby’s personal space and exiting the car.

Shelby’s eyes widen. “What? You’re...how…?”

Toni smiles at her sheepishly. “I sort of went a little too far and now I need to go take care of...you know. I...fuck. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for us to go that far. I wasn’t ready for it.”

“Toni…” Shelby whimpers. The very idea of Toni leaving her to touch herself right now frustrates her as well as turns her on even more. “What am I supposed to do...after...that?”

Toni smirks. “Does Leah have a Jacuzzi?”

“I hate you!” Shelby yells when Toni backs away from the door.

“I love you.” Toni tells her with a soft smile. “So much.”

Shelby softens instantly. “I love you, too.”

She watches Toni leave and takes several shallow breaths, before she has to close her eyes and work to actually control her breathing. 

She drives home in a haze. Well, not a haze as much as a lust induced distraction. She goes straight to the guest room and washes her faces with cold water. Then changes into her pajamas and takes out her teeth. She grabs the book Nora lent her this weekend, and attempts to calm herself down and control her libido.

“Hey…” Leah says as she knocks on Shelby’s door.

Shelby smiles at her. “Hey…”

“So...I got you something. For your room, to help make it feel more like yours.” Leah says nervously as she hands a few framed photos to her.

One is of the entire club. And two are pictures of her and Toni. One in the car when Toni fell asleep on her shoulder--her favorite picture ever. And the other was from Fatin’s recital, with her and Toni dressed up. The night had been so perfect. They even shared ‘I love yous.’ She refuses to dwell on everything that happened after.

“These are perfect. Thank you.” Shelby tells her.

Leah shrugs. “I figured that you would never have been able to display them before, but now...embrace the gay!”

She ends with jazz hands and an awkward smile.

“I adore you.” Shelby declares and it makes Leah blush.

“I adore you, too.” She replies immediately, then adds. “It wasn’t you. Who I had the sex dream about. I just wanted you to know so that things didn’t get awkward with you staying here.”

Shelby rolls her eyes and smiles. “I knew it wasn’t me. But thanks for the confirmation.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “And it wasn’t Toni!”

Shelby laughs. “I know.”

Leah nods. Then frowns. “How do you know?”

Shelby shrugs. “You should tell her.”

“Who?”

“Fatin.”

Leah coughs and sputters and nearly smacks the door frame as she hurries out of the room.

“She likes sex, you know. So she’d probably love to hear about it!” Shelby calls to her.

Leah rushes back in. “That’s the thing! She flirts with everybody and she’s so...like, open about it. And I know it doesn’t mean anything, her flirting. Or my dream. But...I can’t tell her. I don’t want things to get weird. It only happened...twice.”

Shelby tries to school her features so she doesn’t spook Leah. “It’ll only be weird if you make it weird.”

“Have you met me? You know I’ll make it weird.”

Shelby’s face softens. “What don’t you want to change?”

“Anything. Everything. We’re so close. And we cuddle and it’s nice and I don’t want there to suddenly be like a barrier between us.”

Shelby realizes that Leah has a crush on Fatin and doesn’t even know it. How is she supposed to navigate this landmine safely?

“Fatin’s not going anywhere. You have nothing to worry about. Whether you tell her or not, she’s...like herpes. You’re stuck with her forever.”

Leah laughs out loud and shakes her head. “Oh my god. Thank you. I needed that to talk me off the ledge.”

She leaves the room much calmer this time and Shelby smiles and looks at the photos again. She happily places them on the nightstand by the bed and collapses on the bed with a sigh. 

She couldn’t tell Toni about Leah because it isn’t her place to tell, but she really hopes they figure things out soon because she’s never been able to keep her thoughts to herself around Toni and this new information is definitely all-consuming. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got away from me a little bit and is longer than anticipated, so I'm breaking it up. This is entirely Leah's POv and next chapter will take place immediately where this leaves off but from Toni's POV. Enjoy!

Fatin surprises Leah at her locker the next morning. She leans against the locker beside Leah’s and rests her head on it as she faces Leah with a smile and excited anticipation.

“So…”

Leah frowns without comprehension. “So what?”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Did you have another sex dream last night?”

Leah blushes and shoves Fatin so hard that the girl loses balance and almost falls over. She quickly reaches out to catch her, and holds her upright with one arm wrapped around Fatin’s waist.

“Sorry.” She tells her with embarrassment.

Fatin smiles at her. “It’s okay, I guess I sort of deserved that.”

Leah laughs. “You kind of did, yeah.”

“So, that’s a  _ No  _ then?”

Leah rolls her eyes and releases her hold on Fatin, stepping back and re-directing her attention back to her locker. “You would be correct in that assumption.”

Fatin chuckles lightly. “You’re so weird sometimes.” Fatin resumes her position against the locker. “I don’t mind it though.”

Leah looks at her with furrowed brows. “What’s gotten into you this morning?”

“What do you mean?”

Leah shrugs. “You seem different. More...overtly sexual and flirtatious than usual.” Her eyes widen. “Did you get lucky last night?”

Fatin actually blushes and pushes off the locker with a huff. “Unless by lucky you mean, did I have a great time pleasuring myself...otherwise no.”

Leah stares at her to see whether or not she’s being truthful, because something seems really off with her. But she doesn’t find any deception in Fatin’s warm, honest gaze. When she realizes she’s been staring, she blushes and quickly averts her eyes.

She clears her throat awkwardly. “Good...for you. You know…with the um…” She wiggles her fingers in Fatin’s direction. Fatin’s gaze lingers on Leah’s hand making her frown at herself and quickly put her hand in her jacket pocket because she’s not a functioning human being sometimes. She shakes her head at her own idiocy. “Whatever, can we please talk about something else?”

Fatin is still staring at her and eventually, she shakes her head as if clearing her own thoughts. She looks at Leah with a soft smile. “What are your plans for tonight?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I think Shelby is hanging out with Toni and Martha at their place. I’m pretty sure Rachel was planning to head there for some boxing. I thought about tagging along.”

“Or we could hang out at your place? Watch a movie. Or I’ll even let you pick another audiobook for us to listen to.” Fatin offered.

Leah’s eyes lit up. “I was just going to start Crier’s War. We could read it together.”

“That sounds perfect.” 

The bell rings which interrupts from their conversation.

“Well, I’ll see you in class later. And then maybe we can order pizza and eat while we read or listen, or whatever?” Leah offers for confirmation.

Fatin nods and smiles at her and it makes Leah feel happy. Excited. And warm. All of which are feelings that she doesn’t try to think too deeply about, because it’s just Fatin. And they’re best friends.  _ No, Toni’s your best friend. _ She corrects herself in her mind. And then she wonders why her mind had to make that distinction. She frowns as she walks to class. She would be doing a lot of journaling again tonight. And Thursday couldn’t come fast enough, because she feels she has things she needs to discuss with her therapist after her sex dream. Well, dreams. Because there were two so far. Blessedly, there weren’t any last night, otherwise she would have fared even worse in her earlier conversation with Fatin.

The school day goes by quickly enough, even though she only counts the moments spent with each of her friends and zones out on all the time in between. She smiles to herself at the thought. She doesn’t have  _ a _ friend. She has a dozen amazing friends. And that feeling warms her heart. She’s reflecting on how far she’s come in such a short time when she arrives at her locker, and she’s fucking proud of herself for the progress.

Fatin appears behind her and whispers in her ear. “I was going to hug you from behind...but consent and all that.”

Leah smiles. “I appreciate the thoughtfulness.” She turns around and lifts her arms and lets Fatin fall into her. Then they wrap their arms around each other, and Leah feels Fatin’s breath on her neck as she sighs in contentment and it makes her shiver.

“This is better anyway.” Fatin comments.

Leah isn’t sure. She enjoys this hug. But watching the way Toni and Shelby are with each other and how affectionate they are and how no words or consent are needed...she wants that. Not just in a significant other, but with Fatin, too. She trusts her. She knows she’s safe with her. 

“You don’t ever have to ask to hug me, Fatin. I thought that was already clear. But if not, I’m giving you blanket consent right now.”

Fatin steps away with a raised eyebrow. “You may regret that.”

Leah laughs at the ominous tone. “Maybe so. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Fatin smiles so wide it nearly blinds Leah with it’s brightness. “So, did you need a ride or just meet at your place?”

“Actually, I need a ride. I rode in with Shelby.”

“Well then, M’lady...your chariot awaits…” Fatin assumes a British accent that does things to Leah’s insides. 

Then Fatin takes Leah’s backpack and slings it over her shoulder along with her own. Leah doesn’t know what to do other than follow her. And she realizes, she would likely follow Fatin anywhere. Yet, somehow, that thought doesn’t scare her. So see? Progress.

They sit on Leah’s couch eating pizza and laughing and talking. Leah sits on the end of the couch with her legs propped up on it as Fatin sits in the center. She finishes her pizza and sets her empty plate and glass on the coffee table and picks up the book that Leah set on it earlier.

Fatin leans back into the couch cushions, pulls Leah’s feet into her lap and scans the back of the book. Her free hand is absent-mindedly moving up and down Leah’s leg before resting on her knee. 

“This sounds promising.” She says when she’s finished and looks at Leah. “So what? Don’t say that you plan to read along as we listen to the audiobook.”

Leah shrugs. “Okay. I won’t say that.”

Fatin laughs. “You were so going to do that!” She slaps at her leg playfully. “How can we cuddle when you have your face in a book?”

Leah grins before taking the last bite of her pizza. Rather than moving to place the empty plate on the table, she just sets it on the floor. Fatin pulls out her phone, presumably to get the audiobook. But Leah has a different idea. 

“Hey…” She rests her hand on Fatin’s to get her attention and Fatin immediately looks at her and then at the hand on top of hers, so Leah quickly removes it. “Sorry. I was just going to say...maybe we could read it to each other. It’s told from two separate points of view, so it could be fun.”

Fatin bites her lip, then she puts her phone away. “Fine. But I get to read for the machine.”

Lea smiles at that. “You and your obsession with WestWorld.”

Fatin smirks. “Excuse me. I don’t watch for the plot. I watch for the women.”

Leah rolls her eyes and laughs loudly. “Of course you do. And Terminator?”

Fatin shrugs. “If we’re talking about Dark Fate...it’s both. The ladies and the plot.” Her eyes widen. “That should be added to Toni’s list.” She pulls out her phone and types on it. “Carl is absolutely Ace. And his relationship is queer platonic and beautiful.”

Leah nods. “It is.”

Fatin’s phone buzzes with a message. Fatin glances at it and laughs out loud. Then she dials it and puts it to her ear. “If you’re going to curse me out for  _ interrupting  _ why did you even look at my text or answer this call?”

Leah can’t hear what Toni says, but Fatin is smiling and shaking her head. “I love you, too.” She says it sarcastically and makes a kissing sound before hanging up with a smirk. “Shelby made her. She is so whipped.”

Leah chuckles. “Surprised that Shelby was willing to be interrupted…” 

Fatin shrugs. “She was concerned that something might be wrong because she assumed that I wouldn’t have bothered them otherwise. I swear, it’s like they don’t know me.” She types on her phone again.

Leah raises an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

“Sending them some horny memes. Just to interrupt them again.”

Leah shakes her head. “Toni will murder you while you’re sleeping.”

Fatin nods in agreement. “True. I better make it worth it.” She types on her phone some more.

Then she eventually puts it away with a smirk. “It’s not like I interrupted more than a make-out session. They’re at home with all the Blackburns. And you said that Rachel was there.”

Leah checks her phone for the time. “I’ll bet Rachel’s already gone. They were probably alone making out in the barn.”

“See! Aren’t you glad you weren’t third wheeling?” Fatin teases.

“Yeah, because third wheeling with you while you’re flirting with Toni by bothering here is much better.” Leah shoots back. 

And she doesn’t know where that emotion came from. The frustration. And annoyance. 

“Awww.” Fatin crawls toward her. “Don’t be jealous. You’re my number one.” She teases before pecking Leah on the cheek playfully. Then she drapes herself over Leah, resting her head on Leah’s lap and hands the book to her. “Now...read to me.” She commands in a stern voice and all teasing vanishes.

Leah wipes at her cheek, sure Fatin marked her with her dark lipstick. She sighs and opens the book to the Prologue and reads. Then hands the book to Fatin to read her part when they get to the first chapter. Leah is mesmerized listening to Fatin read the words on the page. She’s fascinated with the book, sure, but also, she could listen to Fatin’s voice forever. Actually, she has no idea how long they read to each other before Shelby’s voice interrupts them.

“No wonder, the texting stopped.” Shelby says with amusement. “For the record, you’re like the boy who called wolf...one of these times, we won’t answer.”

Fatin scoffs. “You would never not answer.”

Shelby sighs. “You’re right. And I hate that about me.”

Fatin laughs and sits up on the couch, making room for Shelby to sit beside her. “Such a hardship, being a good Christian and all.”

“It really is.” Shelby says with an exaggerated accent and a smirk.

“How Christianly were you and Toni being tonight...in between my rude interruptions?”

Shelby blushes a deep red and Leah takes pity on her. “Club rules, remember? No sex talk.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Shelby may be a blushing virgin, but she is not a prude.”

Shelby bites her lip nervously. “Definitely not.” She shakes her head and falls back into the couch dramatically. “I’m usually the one pushing Toni, actually. Like...I want to do so many things to her that my brain and my body can’t seem to work together and I’m a bumbling mess, but still turned the hell on and…” She glances at them. “But Toni is so respectful and keeps asking if I’m sure and says we can go slower and at my pace and I’m just thinking...my pace is ripping your clothes off right now and loudly encouraging you to have your way with me.”

Leah and Fatin both stare at her with wide eyes and open mouths. 

Shelby sighs. “But then...I get a glimpse of her bare skin, or my hand brushes her breast and then...all I want is to take her and show her how much I love her by, like, worshiping her entire body with my mouth.”

Fatin shifts awkwardly and coughs loudly. “I think I have to go now. It’s been fun ladies.”

She is off the couch and out the door before either of them has a chance to reply. 

Shelby looks at Leah apologetically. “Sorry. I guess we do have those rules for a reason. Maybe we should stick to them?”

Leah doesn’t trust her voice, so she nods absent-mindedly. Then clears her throat loudly and folds the edge of the page so she can save their spot in the book.

“It is getting late. I think I’m heading to bed, too.” She fakes a yawn and stretches for effect.

When she stands up and attempts to flee, Shelby stops her.

“Hey, Leah?”

Leah turns to face her. 

“You have a little something…” Shelby gestures to her cheek with a smirk.

Instinctively, Leah’s fingers rise to her own cheek and she internally curses at the reminder that Fatin’s lipstick is still smudged there. She walks away frantically scrubbing at it as Shelby laughs loudly.

And sue her if she has a sex dream again that night, and if she wakes up with her hand in her underwear soaked with her desire. Yeah, she definitely has things to discuss with her therapist. 

She is almost grateful that Fatin isn’t waiting for her by her locker to ask about her dreams, because she knows she wouldn’t survive  _ that _ conversation. But she’s also disappointed not to see her until the class they share together.

After school, Leah, Shelby and Toni are walking toward the parking lot together. Toni has her arm around Shelby as Leah walks aimlessly beside them. They’re discussing what to do now, and what movie the three of them can watch together.

Suddenly, Leah is nearly knocked over from behind when Fatin jumps on her back. She quickly braces herself and grabs hold of Fatin’s dangling legs to hold her in place. Fatin’s arms rest on her shoulders and her hands drape across them and lay dangerously low on her sternum. She swallows loudly and closes her eyes as she continues to slowly trek along with the extra human attached to her.

“So...we’re going to Dot’s. All of us.” Fatin tells them and it’s only then that Leah realizes that Dot is with them.

“Okay…?” She replies.

“No...hear me out.” She climbs off Leah’s back and Leah finds herself suddenly missing the contact. 

Fatin stops in front of them all and raises her hand to halt their progress. “I’ve thought long and hard how I was going to help Shelby in my own way.”

Shelby frowns. “Help me?”

“With your dickhead father situation.” Fatin explains.

Shelby’s frown deepens and she looks at the ground sadly. Leah reaches for her, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder as Toni hugs her closer to her.

“We’re going to Dot’s because when I was dealing with my dickhead father, I spent time with Mr. C. and it was the perfect reminder that not all dads are dickheads.”

Toni and Shelby shift awkwardly.

Fatin sighs. “It’s not a replacement. I promise, and maybe it’s too soon, I get that. But...like, Nora has books to give you and awesome inspirational quotes, and Leah has a house and her love and support and Toni...she has her tongue…” She smirks even though she’s being vulnerable and sincere, and it makes both Leah and Shelby blush. 

Toni raises an eyebrow. “And so...you’re offering Dot’s dad? Wouldn’t that be Dot’s gift then?”

Fatin shakes her head. “That’s the whole point! He pseudo-adopted me and I just wanted Shelby to feel that. The unconditional love of a father.”

Leah’s heart melts at the confession and she uses her free hand to grab Fatin’s and lace their fingers together. “I think that’s actually really sweet.”

Shelby nods. “It is.” She wipes at her eyes and Leah ignores the tears also forming in her own. “But Fatin, I appreciate you anyway. You don’t have to fix this, no one can really. I don’t expect you to.”

“I know. It’s just that...I told you before, I hate seeing my friends suffering. And usually, I’d just throw money at a problem. Or...sex.” She bites her lip shyly. “I mean, unless you prefer that angle?”

Shelby laughs genuinely and playfully slaps her. “I think your original suggestion is better.”

Fatin sighs dramatically. “I had to shoot my shot.”

Toni rolls her eyes and laughs at her antics. “So what exactly is the plan? We invade Dot’s house and then what?”

“Just be yourselves. My dad will take care of the rest. He really enjoys when I have friends over, it makes him happy to see that I’m not alone...that when he’s...gone...he knows I’ll be taken care of.”

The mood immediately sobers with Dot’s admission. Fatin’s eyes glisten with tears and she hugs her friend tightly.

“Oh, Dorothy.” She maintains her hold on Dot. “You’re not alone. And...fuck, I don’t even like to think about that part...the  _ after _ part. I know how much I love him, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

Leah and the others avert their eyes at the intimate moment between them. Eventually, they separate and Leah rides with Fatin and Dot to pick up some food for them all while Toni and Shelby do whatever it is they’ve been doing lately. Leah shudders to think about it. They all make their way to Dot’s. As predicted, Mr. Campbell is happy to see them.

“Look who the cat dragged in…” He smiles when he sees them all.

“Hi, Mr. C.” Fatin smiles--being the first to greet them. 

She kisses his cheek and messes up his hair as he weakly protests with a growing smile. Dot idly prepares the food for him, but also makes plates for each of them. Leah realizes that she’s the caregiver of the group by default and that maybe Leah should step it up a bit because Dot shouldn’t have to take care of her dad and them all the time.

“Here, let me help.” She offers and Dot smiles gratefully.

Together they work in silence as the others chat happily.

“I was happy to hear the two of you made it official.” He tells presumably Toni and Shelby. “Tell me, who was the brave one who made the first move?”

They laugh.

“That would be Shelby, sir. I have to admit that I was a bit freaked out…” Her demure response has Leah glancing at her in fondness. “Part of me didn’t believe it was true...that she could like someone like me. Sometimes I still wonder how the hell I got so lucky.”

Shelby wraps her arms around Toni and kisses her temple so openly, that Leah realizes that Fatin had been right. Shelby may not even realize it, but being able to openly kiss another girl in front of a male parent, is a huge step for her after what she just experienced. Maybe this is exactly what Shelby didn’t know she needed. Unconditional love, acceptance and support from a male adult in her life. Someone she respects and admires.

“I’m the lucky one, believe me. And I remember that every night when I thank the Lord for you.” Shelby whispers not very quietly.

“Oh, barf.” Fatin fakes gag. “Seriously, get a room.”

Mr. Campbell laughs and Shelby steps away from Toni. Not out of realization about what she shared with them all, but perhaps out of embarrassment that it didn’t seem to bother her at all. She is still standing close to Toni; their hands tightly clasped together.

Dot and Leah start handing out food. And then they all sit down and chat amicably. They fill Mr. Campbell in on their lives and Shelby actually shares with him what went down with her parents.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Shelby. I will never understand how a parent’s love for their child can be conditional. I lay awake at night worrying about Dottie’s happiness and pray that she’ll be okay. But never in my life did I think to pray that she’d change. Never in my life did I think that her happiness would be dependent on who she loved...only that I really hoped that whoever she chose to give her love to...that they would love her back.”

Dot clears her throat. “Um...with that in mind, Dad…”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Please don’t tell me that Mateo already has your heart, because I thought lesbians moved fast and shit.” She cuts her gaze to Toni and Shelby pointedly.

Dot shakes her head. “Actually, it isn’t about my relationship with Mateo...it’s about my relationship with myself.” She sighs and looks at her dad with wide eyes. “I’m not a girl dad. Well, not…” 

Fatin scoots over and holds Dot’s hand to give... _ them  _ strength. 

Dot clears their throat. “I...don’t see myself as any particular gender...I just see myself as me. And I...my preferred pronouns are they and them.”

Leah turns toward Dot’s dad and watches him process. 

“So...they and them? And you’re not my daughter then...what...what do I say for that?” He asks, trying to understand.

Dot beams so proudly in that moment, and Leah can feel her own heart swell with pride. 

“How about…” Dot seems to consider it as if they hadn’t considered it before. “Just my kid? I don’t really know. I guess I never got that far.”

“Dottie...is Dottie still okay?” He asks.

Dot nods. “Dottie is still perfect.”

He grins and Dot hugs him. “I love you with all my heart, Dottie.” He kisses the top of their head. “I’m so glad you shared this with me. I’m glad you trusted me with your truth. I will try my best to not slip up, please understand that I am trying. This is new for me, but I have never been more proud of you.”

Once again, Leah finds herself unable to look at their special moment. Instead, she looks around the room and settles on Shelby. She’s playing idly with her fingers and then rests her head on Toni’s shoulder. Toni gently brushes away a tear that is cascading down Shelby’s cheek with her thumb and then tucks a stray strand of hair behind Shelby’s ear. 

That scene is also too intimate, so she averts her gaze only to land on Fatin. Fatin is already looking at her and they share a genuine and intense smile. 

Their connection is severed when Mr. Campbell clears his throat. “Have you all met my kid, Dot? They’re beautiful and I am so proud of them.”

Dot swallows thickly as everyone echoes their own congratulations and hugs for their friend. After the moment is over, they all decide on a movie and Fatin is able to talk them into watching Terminator: Dark Fate for their queer education. It also happens to be a movie that Mr. Campbell is able to watch with them rather than being a cheesy romance or high school dramedy.

When it’s done, they talk about it appreciatively.

Toni sighs in resignation. “With you all adding to my list...I feel like I am losing my position as Gay Yoda.”

Fatin chuckles obnoxiously. “Did you give yourself that nickname?”

Toni flips her off. “Fuck off. Martha did. And Nora confirmed it.”

Fatin looks properly chastised and blows her a kiss that makes Toni roll her eyes. Leah watches Mr. Campbell smile in amusement at the interaction. Dot had been right, he adores this stuff. Feeling normal, being part of something. Watching Dot be part of something and knowing that they will be okay. Leah realizes why Dot agreed to Fatin’s plan, because he needed this as much or maybe more than Shelby did.

When it’s time to leave, they all hug Mr. Campbell goodbye. And then Fatin, Shelby, Toni and Leah walk out together. 

“Thanks, Fatin. I actually really needed that and didn’t even realize it.” Shelby tells her as she hugs her.

Fatin attempts being nonchalant about it, but Leah knows that she’s moved by Shelby’s words. “Well, you know, I can’t contain my brilliance all the time.”

Toni and Leah smile at that while Shelby simply holds her closer. She whispers something to her that Leah can’t hear and it actually makes Fatin blush. Leah has never envied someone so much. Fatin makes her blush easily, especially these days. But Leah isn’t usually as successful in returning the favor and Shelby seems to do it without much effort.

Toni hugs Fatin next, and then Leah does. Leah moves her lips to Fatin’s ear and whispers to her. “Shelby and Dot are both lucky to have a friend like you. You’re pretty fucking amazing.”

She feels Fatin’s sharp inhale and then the hot breath of the erratic exhale on her exposed neck and it makes her shiver.

“I’m here for you, too.” She whispers back. “Whatever you want or need, I’m here.”

And that admission cuts her to her soul. She knows Fatin is telling the truth. She believes her. Just like when Fatin calls her beautiful. It doesn’t sound like just words. It doesn’t sound like someone trying to seduce her for their own means. It sounds like someone who cares. Whose love is unconditional. And pure. And good. And Leah lets herself revel in that knowledge, and in the feeling of Fatin’s arms wrapped tightly around her. She feels like home. But also, somehow exciting and unknowable and that feels like an adventure. One that Leah is finally starting to realize she may be ready for. 

She rides in the back seat as Shelby drives Toni home. Leah waits in the car as Shelby walks Toni to the door and kisses her briefly before pulling her into a hug. Leah admires them. As individuals and as a couple. What they have...it’s what she thinks she wants. What she thinks she might soon be ready for. She wants someone to share her life with. 

She gets in the front seat as Shelby walks back toward the car. They ride in silence for a little while before Leah breaks it.

“Know what I realized about love?” Leah says as she looks out the window, watching the world fly by them. “It isn’t about finding someone to complete you or any stupid cliche like that. Or even someone who makes you want to be better.” She taps her fingers against the window as a distraction. “I think...it’s about learning to love yourself enough. To appreciate the difference between loneliness and being alone. And when you can be alone without being lonely...then when you are with someone...you aren’t using them to distract you or as an escape or a means to an end. You aren’t using them to complete you or fix you. You are with them because you want to be. Because you choose to be. Because having them part of your world makes your world brighter in a way...but not because you need their light to shine to take away your darkness...but because their light is a reflection of yours. Like the sun and the moon.” She glances at Shelby. “Maybe none of that makes sense. My mind is weird sometimes. I think too much about things. I get obsessive. But…” She sighs and looks out the window again. “I used to be alone  _ and  _ lonely. So when I...when I met  _ him _ and he paid attention to me. It felt new and exciting and different. And I wanted to be seen. I wanted to not be lonely. So I believed his lies. I lied to myself about what it was. I used him as an escape from my life and let him use me. Hurt me. Nearly destroy me.” She turns in her seat and fully faces Shelby. “I don’t need to escape my life any more. I love my life. And I’m not lonely. And when I  _ am _ alone, I find that I like my own company. I like the person I am. And I want to share that person with someone else. And I think that’s what love is. The meeting of minds. Of souls. Sharing yourself and your life with someone else in a pure way.”

Shelby slows down and pulls over and then puts the car in park and shuts it off. “I feel like that whole speech deserved more of my attention, but...god, it was beautiful. And you’re beautiful. Like...as a person. But also...inside and out, you are truly wonderful, Leah.” She has tears in her eyes. “I want to hug you. But I also want us to both get home safely and I feel like if I hug you I will lose all of my composure and I just…” She sighs and wipes at her eyes. “I meant what I said earlier, I pray to God every night thanking him for you all. Toni, sure. But all of you.”

Leah wipes at her own eyes. She didn’t think what she said would cause Shelby to be so emotional. But she understood. And she loved  _ being _ understood. That’s what she was trying to say. Love is about understanding. Or at least trying to. It’s about give and take and compromise and the good stuff and the messy stuff and everything in between. Because love wasn’t a fairy tale. It was so much better than being condensed into something so trivial as that. And she thinks that Shelby gets it. And it makes her heart happy that she is seen so completely by so many people.

Shelby gathers her composure and then restarts the car and drives them home. When they get to Leah’s house, her parents are waiting for them in the kitchen.

“Hello, sweetie.” Leah’s mom greets her with a hug. Then she looks at Shelby with concern. “Shelby, dear? We wanted to talk to you about something.”

Shelby looks at them nervously and her shoulders tense, so Leah holds her hand for support.

“We had our PFLAG meeting this afternoon...and your mother was there.”

Shelby’s hand tightens around Leah’s grip so hard that Leah worries her circulation will be cut off; but she doesn’t move, instead, she chooses to endure the pain for Shelby’s sake.

“She...was there?”

“She’s been worried about you. She left you several messages and…” Leah’s mom glances at her dad, and then continues. “She sat through the meeting, and listened and asked questions. She even read through some of the pamphlets. I think she’s trying really hard to understand.”

“She asked to meet with you, whenever you’re ready. She wants to talk.” Leah’s dad adds.

Leah watches Shelby consider the information.

“She wants to understand? Like...she wants to  _ know _ me….or she wants to change me?”

“Personally, I think she wants to know you. And she has a lot to learn, because some of the stuff she asked…” Her mom shakes her head. “Anyway, I assured her you were fine. I told her that we’d tell you and that it would be up to you to reach out. She understands the damage that was done. She agreed to be mindful of that and give you that space. But she wanted you to know that she is there when or if you’re ready. That she loves you.”

Shelby breaks down at those words. “She...she still loves me?”

“Oh, sweetheart. Of course she does.” Leah’s mom rushes to hold Shelby. “She knows she did wrong and made mistakes. But she told me that it was never about not loving you. And she doesn’t want to change you, honey, she wants to get to know you.. _.this _ you. The you that you really are instead of the one you had to pretend to be.”

“We’re not making excuses for her. What she did was wrong. And she knows that, too. And if you don’t want to see her, or you’re not ready, we fully support that. We just wanted you to know...we thought you should know.” Leah’s dad says.

Shelby nods against Leah’s mom's embrace. “I know. And thank you.” She steps away and wipes her face with her shirtsleeve. “Wow...today was a much more emotional day that I was ready for.”

Leah smiles at her sadly. She can only imagine. That night, she couldn’t bear Shelby sleeping alone and processing it all by herself. So she decides to sleep with her in Shelby’s bed, and holds her in her arms. She feels protective over her, like she has to take Toni’s place since Toni isn’t here. And yeah, Shelby told Toni everything as soon as they got upstairs, and Leah knows that Shelby would have preferred Toni’s presence to her own, but she isn’t going to hold that against her. She understood Fatin in that moment. The helplessness of wanting to fix what you didn’t break. The way it breaks her own heart to see her friends hurting so badly.

Shelby turns around in Leah’s arms and faces her. Smiling at her sadly. “What you said earlier...about liking your own company. Why didn’t you before?”

Leah closes her eyes because she feels too vulnerable to answer while gazing into Shelby’s eyes. “Because...I...I have obsessive thoughts sometimes. Like, I don’t let things go. I just...dwell on things. Growing up, if people said something, I often took it the wrong way and then I would just let it fester. Or if people complimented me...I thought they were lying. I guess, I didn’t trust people. I would get paranoid sometimes. And I never really understood why. I still don’t.”

She feels Shelby’s fingers on her face. “Hey...please look at me.” Leah opens her eyes. “What changed? Like...how did you start to trust us?”

Leah shrugs. “I don’t even really know. I…” She sighs. “I had to tell myself...I had to remind myself...to forgive myself for the small stuff. Because I knew I would always make bigger mistakes in the future. And then...when I did...with Jeff...well.” She doesn’t close her eyes this time, but she does look away from Shelby. “I was really bad this summer...after the break-up. It all started to unravel. That’s when I started seeing a therapist. And I wouldn’t tell her anything at first. I didn’t trust her. But I started telling her small stuff. Small bad thoughts. Or small things that could be construed as bad. And when she handled those things well...then I started telling her more things. Eventually, when I could tell her bigger things, I started to explore why I hated myself. And it wasn’t until we started to explore the idea of my sexuality...because I didn’t tell her about Jeff until after I told my parents.” She explains disjointedly and looks at Shelby again. “Anyway, when I started to realize more about myself. Why some things didn’t feel right or why I thought I was bad or that I wasn’t being sincere...it made sense when I discovered this whole other side of me. And it wasn’t some internalized homophobia like Regan or the family life you had. It was just...something...hidden. Something I didn’t understand. And when I finally started to...so much made sense. And when I was able to start self-reflecting and understanding, the more I found myself evolving and being more open. And when I could be open with all of you...it just... I don’t know...being able to be authentic...it made me feel less paranoid in a way. Because I wasn’t hiding anymore and so I didn’t automatically assume that other people were hiding things, too. And if they were, I realized that it could be out of self-preservation or an inability to see oneself and not out of some innate or malicious deception. And so my mind, it started to settle. I still have thoughts sometimes, but they don’t rattle me or send me into a spiral like they used to.”

Shelby nods thoughtfully. “I can see that. Lying to ourselves can do some serious damage...even if we don’t understand at the time that we’re lying. And...cognitive dissonance...that’s something that really messed with my mind. Going to church on Sundays and having lustful thoughts about my best friend, Becca, every other day of the week was something that really messed me up for a while. Like...being taught one thing and feeling that it’s wrong in my soul but not allowing my mind to contemplate the reasons why I felt that way was really hard.”

“We really were both trainwrecks, weren’t we?” Leah gives Shelby a lopsided grin.

Shelby’s eyes shine and she smiles back. “But honestly, I’m glad that we were.” She rolls her eyes. “Not that I’m happy we endured all of that. I’m not going to be all… _ ’if God led you to it, he’ll lead you through it’ _ nonsense about it. But that...I think us all going through it...it makes us appreciate each other more. It makes what we found with each other that much more amazing.”

“That’s why I couldn’t get behind religion, honestly. The idea that suffering could be part of God’s plan. Why would he want us to suffer if he’s supposed to be a loving and just being?” Leah wonders out loud.

“You know...my parents used to say that they were suffering because they were being tested...because they were good Godly people and the devil wanted to try to make them waver.” Shelby sighs. “But then...if a nonbeliever suffered--they’d say that they were being punished for their sins. And that never sat right with me. How subjective it all was.”

“Sorry, but that does sound like a bunch of bullshit!” Leah shakes her head. “Well, what I learned from Percy Jackson was that what you did in order to follow your god says a lot more about you than it does your god.”

Shelby laughs out loud. “I think that’s right.” She rolls back over onto her other side and lets Leah hold her. “My god is loving and forgiving like me, because I know how hard being human is. And I think he’s up there rooting for all of us. Like a proud and loving parent should be.”

Leah closes her eyes and smiles. “I really like your god, Shelby.”

They fall asleep shortly after a comfortable silence overtakes them.

Leah happily goes to therapy after school the next day. She sits down with her journal and reads from it like she usually does. She finds it easier to start this way so she can let her most recent obsessive thoughts dictate what they should discuss in the session. Otherwise, what’s the point in her going if she’s just going to beat around the bush?

“So, you had a sex dream about your friend, Fatin?”

“Um...three so far.” Leah corrects.

Dr. Shaw nods but doesn’t answer beyond that.

“But...I don’t want to talk about them.” Leah declares.

“And we don’t have to. It sounds like you had a really great few conversations with Shelby. You’re really getting closer to her.” Dr. Shaw replies conversationally.

“Yeah, we’ve gotten closer since she moved in. Honestly, we’ve been close for a while. She means a lot to me.”

“As do the others.”

“Yes, when we went to Dot’s this week...and several weeks ago when Shelby, Toni, Fatin and I all bonded over our regrets. I feel like a lot of my favorite recent memories include them.”

“Shelby, Fatin and Toni?”

Leah nods.

“What are some other favorite moments?” Her therapist asks.

“Fatin and I started reading a book together. We take turns reading a chapter out loud to each other.” Leah tells her. “And another favorite day was when we went thrift shopping. That was Fatn, Toni, Shelby, Dot, Fatin’s little brother, and me. And the night of Fatin’s recital. You heard about that from my journal. When Shelby ran away. We had a sleepover, all of us. It was my first one ever and it was, despite the reason, my favorite day in a long time.”

Dr. Shaw smiles at her. “But it sounds like you’ve been having a lot of really good days lately.”

“I have been. More good days than bad ones.”

“Do you think that you can think of any that haven’t involved your friends?”

“The moment I came out to my parents. And the moments we’ve had since. They are really good parents and I realize that I never gave them enough credit for that before.”

“I’m glad you’re getting closer with your parents. That you’re letting yourself believe in people when they make mistakes and try to be better. Not just them...but with your friends...and with yourself. You’ve been making a lot of progress, Leah. You should be proud.”

“I am.” Leah smiles.

They talk a bit more, and she tells Dr. Shaw about how Fatin has been cuddling with her more. And has kissed her a few times, platonically. And that she’s scared about telling Fatin about the dream because she doesn’t want those moments to stop.

Dr. Shaw studies her carefully as she writes a few notes down. That used to bother Leah. She used to be paranoid about what was being written about her. But now she is trying to work on her own insights and learn what she can from these sessions.

“When you told Shelby about love. About what you thought it meant to you now. When you say that you’re ready. Is there anyone you have in mind when you think about it?” Dr. Shaw asks, removing her glasses and leaning toward Leah. 

Leah frowns. “What do you mean?”

Dr. Shaw sits back in her seat again, and crosses one leg over the other and rests her hands on her knee. “When you think about Fatin...and when she kisses you…”

Leah’s mouth goes dry and her eyes widen. “You’re asking,,,,are you saying?” Her mind starts reeling. She stands up and starts pacing. “I mean...yeah, I like it. I want her to do it more. I like when she flirts with me and lately I’ve been jealous if she flirts with the others and…” She stops and stares at her therapist. “Well, fuck…”

She leaves her therapy appointment fifteen minutes early and drives straight to Mrs. Blackburn’s house. She frantically knocks on the door and when one of Martha’s siblings answers it and lets her in, she runs up the stairs to Toni’s bedroom. She bursts through it without knocking and only feels slightly guilty that she interrupted their make-out session.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me I was in love with Fatin?!?!?!” She yells at them and runs her hands through her hair.

Toni’s eyes widen. “Wait...you what?”

“You’re my best friend, you’re supposed to tell me these things when I’m being obtuse about it.” Leah tells her and sits on the edge of the bed.

“Leah...I didn’t know. Hell, you know how long it took me to realize Shelby was into me. I’m not always the most observant.”

Leah nods in agreement and then cuts her glare to Shelby. “And we had a deal. You were supposed to call me on my shit.”

Shelby’s mouth drops open. “I was supposed to warn you if you were obsessing over someone who could hurt you. If you were at risk of something bad, I...I was trying to let you have time to figure yourself out. I know how hard realizing you’re in love with someone is. Especially someone you don’t think you have a chance with.”

Leah’s whole face drops. “You’re saying I don’t have a chance with her?”

Shelby’s eyes widen. “That is not at all what I’m saying.” She glances at Toni for help.

“Leah...what happened?” Toni asks. “And how did you finally figure it out?”

Leah rolls her eyes. “My therapist told me. Sort of.” She sighs and shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s already bad enough I have sex dreams about her, but tomorrow I’m supposed to be on a semi-double date with her, Dot and Mateo. And now I’m going to be freaking out the whole time because I just realized I want it to be a real date and not a platonic one.”

Shelby and Toni look at each other again and then nod in unison.

“We could...we’ll go with you. Talk you down if need be.” Toni tells her softly and crawls over to her and hugs her.

“And in the meantime, we can help you find something hot to wear so that Fatin will have no doubt that tomorrow is a  _ date  _ date.” Shelby tells her.

“That is no guarantee...I mean, look at how oblivious Toni was.” Leah grins.

“Do you think you want to tell her?” Toni wonders. 

“I don’t know...I...it’s like with the sex dream. What if I do and it changes everything?” 

Shelby’s eyes lit up. “Exactly! What if it does?”

Leah frowns and then her eyes widen. “You mean...like, what if she feels the same way and then we can…” She doesn’t let herself go there--to hope just yet. 

Shelby nods anyway.

“Tomorrow was supposed to be your night alone, no interruptions.” Leah tells them. “I don’t want to ruin that for you.”

Toni shakes her head. “You’re not ruining anything.” She rests her hand on Leah’s thigh. “You’re my best friend, I want to be there for you.”

Leah smiles and then gives her a fake glare. “You just want first row seats to what could be a disaster.”

Toni laughs. “That sounds like something I can’t miss.” She squeezes her thigh. “But I don’t think it’ll be a disaster. And I want front row seats to your happily ever after.”

Leah swallows audibly and nods. Then her eyes start to water as hope slowly seeps through undeterred into her heart.

Because they are all going out right after the game, Leah doesn’t get to dress up as fancy as she would have liked for her first not-yet-official date with Fatin. But she does wear a short jean skirt, some black boots and a flowing white shirt that falls off her shoulder. Shelby told her she has great shoulders so she should let that work to her advantage, whatever that means. 

Fatin always looks amazing, so even in her every day school chic, she looks ready for a date. At least in Leah’s humble opinion. 

She has been playing things in her head all day. Should she tell Fatin at the beginning of the date that she likes her so that it can be their real first date? Or would that make things too awkward if Fatin doesn’t feel the same way? Should she just enjoy the day with her so she can replay the good parts in her mind, before she ruins it all? 

She’s still undecided after the game, even as everyone is celebrating the win. She’s still undecided when Fatin, Toni and Shelby follow Dot and Mateo to the movie theater. She’s still undecided when Fatin pays for her ticket--against her very weak protests, but allows for Leah to buy their snacks. And her mind goes entirely blank when Fatin holds her hand for the whole movie and rests her head on her shoulder through half of it. Good thing she isn’t invested in the actual premise, and good thing no one wants to discuss it afterwards.

“So, what now?” Mateo asks them as they stand in the parking lot. “Bowling? Dinner?”

“I’m good with whatever.” Dot asks and looks at the others. “I know I’m not suggesting laser tag though, not with this group.”

Shelby and Toni share a heated look and Leah and Mateo laugh. But Fatin doesn’t really respond and it worries Leah. She rests her hand on Fatin’s forearm and looks at her with concern.

“You okay?”

Fatin seems to snap herself out of whatever funk she was in over the last few minutes and smiles genuinely at Leah. “Yeah, perfect.” She looks at the others. “My vote is dinner. Some place quiet that we can all just talk. Bowling has never really been my thing. Sharing someone else’s shoes and putting my fingers in holes not knowing where other people’s hands have been…”

Toni laughs loudly and Fatin looks thoughtful for a moment before she rolls her eyes and smirks. “I didn’t even mean to go there with that one. I appreciate you for calling me out on it.” She tells Toni fondly.

Mateo smiles and shakes his head. “I get now that Dot wasn’t exaggerating when they told me about you.”

Leah loves that Mateo respects and uses Dot’s correct pronouns and wonders when they told him. She also adores the fact that Dot talks about them all so fondly. 

“Not exaggerating at all.” Dot confirms. “In fact, I probably downplayed it a little so I didn’t scare you off.”

He has an easy smile and is very likeable. Leah absolutely approves of their relationship. 

They decide to go for dinner and Leah sits as close to Fatin as she can in the backseat while Shelby drives them to the restaurant.

When Shelby parks, Toni rushes out of the car so that she can open the door for her and Leah smiles with adoration. That’s when an idea hits her. Just as Fatin reaches for the door handle, she reaches across her to stop her.

“No, please. Let me get that for you.” She gets out of the car and hurries around it so she can open the door for Fatin. 

Then she offers her hand so Fatin can grab hold of it and climb out of the car. Fatin gives her a confused look but not a disinterested one, and that is at least somewhat encouraging. They are still holding hands when they get to the door of the restaurant and Leah holds it open for Fatin, resting her hand on the small of the girl’s back afterward. 

That’s when Fatin finally reacts. She stops them from following their friends. 

“What’s going on?” She asks vulnerably, with a tremble of uncertainty in her voice. “Because this feels like a real date and I am trying with everything I have not to get my hopes up, but…”

Leah leans in and kisses her lips. Barely there, but without hesitation. When she pulls away, her eyes lock with Fatin’s beautifully surprised ones. 

“I’d like it to be. A real one.” Leah admits. “I...I know it took me a long time to get here. To see what was right in front of me...but I made it. I’m here.”

Fatin pulls her in for a deep kiss and it’s so much better than anything in any of Leah’s dreams. Her arms wrap around Leah’s waist tightly, like she’s scared she’ll disappear if she doesn’t hold on for dear life. But Leah has no intention of ever going anywhere. She’s finally where she was always meant to be.

Eventually, they part for breath, and Leah pulls Fatin into her and holds her against her. She can feel her trembling and realizes that this moment means just as much to Fatin as it does to her. 

She lets her lips graze the shell of Fatin’s ear and whispers, “Thank you for waiting for me.” She lets her lips linger there briefly and then kisses her temple, and then her jaw. “I know it can’t have been easy.”

Fatin smiles at her with tears in her eyes. “But it was worth it.”

And Leah feels everything click into place. To love someone--really and genuinely and imperfectly felt amazing; but being loved that way in return felt even better. Impossibly so. And Fatin didn’t even have to say the words, that’s what was so great about it. Leah felt them with her entire being. She thinks she always has. 


	15. Chapter 15

Toni watches as Fatin and Leah come walking in holding hands. And that isn’t the dead give away, since Fatin had been overly affectionate with Leah lately, the giveaway is the matching smiles etched on their faces. Toni recognizes that look--the look of having your love for someone returned in full--because that is what she sees every time Shelby looks at her. The pureness of it. That vastness. And she is so excited and happy for her friends. They both deserve the world. 

Leah sits beside Toni in the booth, and Fatin squeezes in next to Shelby. 

Toni knows the exact moment their new development is processed by Dot and Shelby. Their eyes widen simultaneously. Shelby smiles gently and knowingly, but Dot’s smile is more of a mischievous smirk and Toni knows she has found her partner in crime when it comes to teasing the hell out of Fatin.

“No shit. So who caved?” Dot asks with a quirked eyebrow.

Leah blushes adorably in a way that Toni almost takes pity on her and stops the line of questioning. But when Fatin ducks her head shyly and bites her lip, Toni knows for certain that Leah was the one who stepped up and wants to hear all about it.

Fatin clears her throat. “Leah um...she kissed me.”

Toni’s eyes go wide and her eyebrows shoot impossibly high on her forehead. She looks at Leah with newfound respect. Not that she didn’t already respect her, but Toni knows firsthand how hard making the first move is. And she, herself, didn’t have the balls to do it. That was all Shelby.

“Really? Wow.” Toni says. “Good job.”

Leah laughs and shakes her head. “Fatin called me out, really. She told me that I was acting like it was a date and that she needed to know if I thought it was. She was scared I was leading her on. Giving her false hope. And she looked so adorably sincere and scared that I...I just went for it.” 

“I was not scared. Or adorable. I was being brave and fierce.” Fatin argues with a lopsided grin and eyes shining with adoration.

Toni knows she’s full of shit. She can actually picture it so precisely. She wishes she had been witness to it. Fatin isn't vulnerable often. Well, she wasn't until recently. Just like Toni, she’s gone soft. Love makes you do stupid things. 

She glances at Shelby. Stupid yet worthwhile things. Necessary things. 

Shelby must sense her gaze because she diverts her attention from Fatin and Leah and smiles at her in that smile that Toni knows is reserved just for her. It’s a promise. A vow. A treasure.

She internally rolls her eyes at herself because, yes, she has gone soft. Only, she doesn’t regret it at all.

“And...how was it?” Dot wonders. “Your first time kissing a girl.”

Leah blushes again. “Worth the wait.”

She glances at Fatin and they share a meaningful smile. 

“Definitely.” Fatin agrees.

“I have so many other questions.” Dot starts to say, and then shakes their head. “Doesn’t matter, really. My dad is going to be so excited. He’s been rooting for the two of you.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Really? He’ll approve?” She frowns. “I never did the meet the parents thing before. God, this is terrifying.”

Dot chuckles. “You already met him and he adores you, don’t worry about it.”

“How do you think I felt!” Fatin tells her. “I was so worried about making a good first impression.”

Shelby looks at Toni sadly. Neither of them had to worry about that. Toni doesn’t have a family. Well, she didn’t. She has the Blackburns now and they all love Shelby. And Shelby’s parents wouldn’t accept Toni regardless of what she did, not if they couldn’t even accept their own daughter. She reaches across the table for Shelby’s hand and her girlfriend instantly laces their fingers together and smiles at her sadly.

“I know the feeling.” Mateo admits. He looks at them all. “Luckily, Mr. Campbell already liked me as his nurse so that was helpful. But I was terrified about meeting the rest of you.” He shakes his head. “When Dot mentioned tonight was a group thing...I almost cancelled.”

Dot’s eyes widen. “You what?! You never said that.”

“They mean everything to you. They’re your family. I panicked.” He explains.

The rest of them exchange glances at each other and their gazes soften.

“We are sort of like a cult.” Fatin smirks. 

“No we aren’t.” Shelby argues. “Mateo is right. We’re family. And I have to admit that I was also terrified when I first started hanging out with you all. I needed you to like me because of what you meant to Toni...but the more I got to know you, the more important it was for you to like me for me. Because I wanted to be part of what you all had. And I know Quinn and Jeanette and Regan and the others feel the same way. On the outside looking in...it’s absolutely horrifying how close you all are. What you mean to each other and what you would do for each other.” She squeezes Toni’s hand. “That day you all defended me at school--from being harassed at my locker. It was the first time in my life that I felt like someone…” She sighs. “You saw me for who I was becoming...not who I was or used to be or who I might be. You saw the potential in me and...it gave me the strength to work to be that person. But also, the freedom to appreciate where I was.” Her eyes lock with Toni’s. “You met me where I was. And you waited for me to catch up with the rest of you.”

Toni’s eyes start to water at the confession and she wipes at them with her free hand. Then mouths a simple but sincere, ‘ _ I Love You. _ ’ Shelby smiles and does the same. 

Mateo points across the table at Shelby. “See! She gets it. She knows how scary it is to want to fit in with your group.”

“But you do.” Leah tells him. “Did you not feel that way when you went to Fatin’s recital?”

He nods. “I did. But there were so many people there and it was easy to feel like I was just being swept up in the excitement and camaraderie of the moment.” He shakes his head. “But Fatin alone is intimidating. And knowing that she’s Dot’s person. Yeah, I was scared tonight. I’m not above admitting it.”

“I like you, Mateo. I already gave Dorothy my approval when we first met.” Fatin tells him. “So no need to further impress me.”

He seems to relax a bit and Toni feels sorry for him. She hadn’t thought about how their close-knit group could be seen as intimidating, because she has always found comfort in it. 

“So...now that that’s over. Tell us a bit about yourself. Not to win us over, but because we truly want to know you as a person.” Shelby comments.

His smile is big and genuine. “Well, honestly, there isn’t a lot to tell. My life is pretty boring.”

“Boring sounds amazing.” Leah says. “We could all use more boring.”

That gets a laugh from everyone.

“My family and I are really close. My parents are still happily married and I have a little sister.” He explains. “I got into home healthcare after my abuela passed. We had a hospice nurse come to her house and just having someone else lighten the load...it was refreshing. And to have someone make her feel human and maintain her dignity at the end...I wanted to do that for others. I knew I couldn’t do the hospice part--watching people I knew I’d grow to care about die all the time. But I could help families...give them some space and freedom.”

Toni really likes Mateo. 

“Wow...you’re so...normal.” Fatin says then her eyes widen. “Like in a good way.”

“As opposed to the rest of us?” Toni asks with a cocked brow and a smirk.

Fatin rolls her eyes. “No, only you.”

The group, including Toni, laughs.

“The way I see it...you don’t have to have gone through hell to learn empathy. And being religious doesn’t automatically make you a decent human being.” Mateo comments.

“Ain’t that the truth.” Shelby replies.

“It’s about the person. We all have the capacity for good or evil, it’s how you choose to react or respond to the things that happened to you.” He continues.

“You need to hang out with our friend Nora. You would love her.” Leah says. 

“Right. Like you aren’t also full of wisdom.” Shelby says fondly, then looks at Mateo. “This girl here always seems to know exactly what to do and say.”

“Except when it comes to noticing obvious things right in front of me.” Leah groans and leans into Toni’s side.

Toni gives her a one-armed hug. “Hey, you got there. And in a lot less time than it took me to figure things out.”

The conversation turns to less serious topics as they chat about everything and nothing.

Toni feels a foot move near hers briefly and realizes a couple minutes later that Fatin is likely playing footsie with Leah. She waits a few minutes before responding.

She puts on her cockiest smirk. “Ah, Fatin. I appreciate the offer, but I already have a girlfriend.”

Fatin’s eyes widen and she glances at Leah who is doing a great job of not responding.

“Are we missing something?” Shelby asks.   
“Fatin’s playing footsie with me under the table.”

“OW!” Leah yells as she leans over to rub her shin.

“Wait...I thought…” Fatin sputters awkwardly.

“She was teasing you. Calling your bluff, I think.” Leah explains, glancing at Toni. “Payback for you spamming her with those stupid memes when she was with Shelby, I assume.”

Toni shrugs nonchalantly. “Payback’s a bitch.”

“And so are you.” Fatin groans. She then leans across the table toward Leah. “I’m so sorry I kicked you, babe.”

Leah shakes her head. “Just collateral damage. No big deal.”

Toni rests her hand on Leah’s shoulder. “I am sorry, I didn’t know she would kick you. I just wanted to embarrass her.”

“Honestly, it’s about time Fatin got a taste of her own medicine. That was brilliant.” Dot smirks.

“Wait...so she  _ wasn’t  _ playing footsie with you?” Shelby asks with a trace amount of what could only be misplaced jealousy.

“No. She wasn’t.” Toni says succinctly so there is no doubt in Shelby’s mind. 

The rest of their dinner was uneventful after that. 

Shelby and Leah dropped Toni off at home. Mrs. Blackburn is outside sitting in a lawn chair when she arrives.

“Hey.” She smiles at her.

“Hi.” Mrs. Blackburn smiles back. “Did you have a good time with your friends?”

“Yes. It was Dot’s first date with Mateo and he’s pretty awesome.” She tells her as she sits beside her. “And Leah and Fatin finally got together. They are bound to be insufferable now.”

Mrs. Blackburn laughs.

“Martha’s not back yet?” Toni asks.

“No.” 

She sounds worried. Or sad.

“I’m sure she’s having a great time. Oliver is a really nice guy. She couldn’t have chosen someone better.” Toni tells her.

Mrs. Blackburn nods. “A mother always worries. I won’t be able to rest properly until she’s home safely.”

Toni sighs and leans back in her chair. “You’re a really good mom. I don’t think Martha would have survived what happened to her if she didn’t have you. But she did survive. And she’s even happy. So you don’t have to worry so much about her.” She looks at her with admiration. “And you never have to worry alone. Martha has all of us to protect her and watch her back.”

Mrs. Blackburn rests her hand on Toni’s forearm and squeezes. “I appreciate you saying that. And that you always did look out for her.” She studies Toni carefully and her stare turns serious. “You do know...that I worry about you just as much. I was waiting up for both of you. I can’t sleep until my girls are safe at home. Even though I know you can take care of yourself, and you have your friends...it’s my job to worry about you. Not as your caretaker, but as your mom. It’s what we do.”

Toni swallows the lump in her throat and licks her suddenly dry lips. She doesn’t know how to handle all of the emotions sweeping through her presently.

“You don’t have to say anything, Toni. Or do anything. I’m just glad you finally opened your heart to me and let me take care of you. It’s all I ever wanted.”

Toni rushes at her and hugs her soundly. “I...it’s all I ever wanted, too.” She feels Mrs. Blackburn’s arms tighten around her. “A mom. It’s all I ever wanted. And...I’m sorry it took so long to realize that I always had one in you.”

Toni eventually pries herself away from her and sits back down. She wipes her tears away harshly and laughs without humor.

“That is the second time I got emotional tonight. And honestly, I don’t understand it. Anger was easy. Everything else is harder.” Toni says looking at the stars in the night sky.

“The hard stuff is what makes living worth it. How boring would life be otherwise?” 

“I don’t know. Boring seems pretty okay.”

“Okay? Are you already willing to settle for okay?” She looks at the sky with Toni. “What’s that thing people say? Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss...you’ll land among the stars.”

Toni smiles at that. “That is absolutely something Shelby would say.”

Mrs. Blackburn smiles and looks at Toni. “I knew I liked that girl.”

Toni laughs and looks back at her. “So do I.”

“A mother worries if their kids will be safe. Or happy. Or find love. Or get their heartbroken.” She sighs. “There are so many dangers out there. So much sadness in the world. And you, my dear, have had more than your fair share of it.” She looks at her intently again. “But when I see you with her, when I see that joy on both of your faces...I never believed in fate before or destiny or the like...but knowing that somehow the two of you found each other...despite everything. Despite all the odds against both of you...it gives me hope for Martha, too. That everything she went through will...not have been worth it...but, it will have prepared her. It will make her capable of understanding her worth and what she deserves. Just like you, Toni. What you deserve is so much more than what any one person is able to give you. But...when I see the family you created for yourself. The friends you and Martha have. I believe you have finally recognized your worth, and you are allowing yourself to have what you always deserved. A family. One who loves you. Who supports you. Who will never leave you.” She leans into Toni and kisses her cheek and holds her close. “You, my daughter, make me proud in every way a mother possibly can be. Thank you for letting me in. Letting me see you. And letting me share this amazing life of yours with you.”

And yup, Toni absolutely lost it. She sobs in Mrs. Blackburn’s arms. She’s grateful for what she has. And even more heartbroken for what Shelby lost. 

Martha gets home a while later, and has a huge smile on her face. 

“So, it went that well, huh?” Toni teases her.

“It was perfect.” Martha says practically dancing.

No...she really is dancing. She’s twirling around like one of those Disney princesses who have talking birds and mice following her around.

“I need to hear all about this boy.” Mrs. Blackburn demands. 

Martha sits in the empty chair on the other side of her mom. And she fills them in on her first date. The concert was great. He opened all the doors for her. They held hands. They had dinner afterwards and they talked about her asexuality and both of them being survivors. They talked about everything they had in common and all the things they didn’t. They talked about the Quiz Bowl and how the Championship competition is coming up. 

And when they got to the car after dinner, they had their first kiss. A first for both of them. And she told them that she planned to hang out with him, Nora, Quinn and McKenna tomorrow while they study for their upcoming competition.

The next day, Shelby and Rachel come over. Toni knew she would be seeing less of Fatin and Leah in the immediate future because they would be making up for a lot of missed time. Making up and making out, Toni smirks to herself at the thought. 

Rachel and Toni teach Shelby how to box and Toni finds everything about her girlfriend sexy as hell, but her beating up that bag while wearing pink boxing gloves also happens to be adorable. The three of them sit down in the barn, drinking water and catching their breaths. Boxing is hard. It’s a great workout. But it can be brutal, which is why Toni thinks she likes it so much. It used to be about all the punishment she could put her body through. The pain she  _ could _ control. But also, it was about being in control of her emotions. Having a place to direct her anger. And for a while, it was about feeling strong and powerful when oftentimes life left her feeling victimized or small. But now...it’s about enjoying something she happens to be good at. It’s about sharing that passion with people she cares about. It’s about strengthening her mind and her body; not so that she doesn’t feel weak, but because she knows she’s already strong. 

“It’s a little ironic, I think...that the moment I want to get closer to Nora...when I finally realize how much I ignored her and how much she really means to me...is right when she decides she wants independence and freedom. Her life used to revolve around me and I took that for granted. And now...she has her own life. Her own friends and a boyfriend...and, I actually just really miss my sister. I miss the times when we would chill, just the two of us. Those were the times I used to be annoyed with...and now, it’s what I want to get back to.” Rachel says as she finishes her water and sits the empty bottle on the ground. “Does that make me selfish?”

“Not at all. You miss your sister. And...sometimes, we don’t realize what we have until we lose it.” Toni tells her. “And at least you realized it before it was too late. You already repaired your relationship with her. I think it says a lot about your new relationship, that she feels safe enough to branch out on her own. Think about how far she’s come? She relied on you so much before because she didn’t have anyone else. She does now. And yet, she still looks to you for things. She still goes to watch you dive, just like always. She may not be alone when she does that anymore...but that’s the point. She could be hanging out with Quinn or any of us doing anything else. But she still chooses to be there and watch you. You still mean everything to her. You just aren’t the only thing anymore.”

“And Nora’s pretty fantastic, Rachel. So it only makes sense that you’d miss her.” Shelby adds. “But don’t underestimate how wonderful _ you  _ are. I know a lot of us have all been coupling up, and how that must feel to you. Not even just because you’re aro...but the feeling of maybe being left behind or left out. But you’re not, you know.” Shelby touches her shoulder and smiles. “We may be distracted or preoccupied with each other, sometimes. But you are always going to be an integral part of our group. We need you just as much as you need us.”

Rachel nods. “Thanks, I needed to hear that.” She shakes her head. “I still can’t believe Leah and Fatin finally got together. Fatin’s patience was admirable.”

Toni laughs. “Yeah, it actually was. I plan to absolutely give her shit for the foreseeable future, but I  _ am _ really happy for them.”

Rachel laughs even as Shelby slaps at her, “Be nice!”

Rachel looks thoughtful. “I think I’m going to work to spend more time with Regan, Jeanette and McKenna. I don’t know them as well as the rest of you and the more they open up during our club meetings, the more I want to know them.” She smiles at Toni and Shelby. “It still amazes me the group we were able to assemble. It’s almost like we gravitated toward each other out of necessity. And….” She pauses and starts to remove the wraps from her hands. “I don’t want it to be that way...like, we help each other and then move on. I know not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, but all of you...dammit, I will not let any of you go. I won’t take anyone for granted ever again.”

“I agree. Everyone says they’ll stay in touch after graduation, but I’m all for ensuring that we all do.” Shelby says.

“And...maybe also...talk to Nora. Tell her you miss her.” Toni tells her. “She deserves to be reminded what she means to you.”

Rachel nods. “You’re right. I will. Maybe we can make sure we have one day a week dedicated to sister only time. Hell, I’d even re-establish family game night and play Scrabble again if that’s what she wants.”

When Rachel leaves about half an hour later, Toni “teaches” Shelby the proper boxing stance again but really is just using it as an excuse to put her hands all over the girl. And thankfully, Shelby doesn’t seem to mind, at all.

Their boxing lesson inevitably turns into a make-out session. Toni’s hands roam everywhere on Shelby’s scantily clad body. When she gets a bit carried away and squeezes Shelby’s firm ass with her over-eager hands, she decides to force herself to step away. Shelby’s moans turn into a groan at the loss of contact between them.

“Why’d you stop…?” Shelby asks, breathing erratically. “I liked that.  _ Really _ liked it.”

“Me too.” Toni admits before stepping in again and pecking her lips quickly before stepping away.

Shelby frowns. “You’re standing too far away.” She steps forward, tucks her fingers into the waistband of Toni’s shorts and tugs her closer. 

She leaves her hand there when Toni doesn’t pull away. Toni studies her carefully and then sighs. She rests her hands on Shelby’s hips, rubbing her thumb up and down Shelby’s warm and exposed skin. Shelby shivers at the contact and her eyes darken as she bites her lip.

“Please tell me what you’re thinking right now.” Shelby begs as her voice cracks. “Because if you’re trying to respect me and go at my pace, you have to know that I want this. I want you.”

Toni’s eyes close of their own accord and she tightens her grasp on her girlfriend. “I…” She opens her eyes again, and stares into Shelby’s. “I’ve been used for sex before. And it hurts. To feel like you’re expendable. And...I remember when I was telling you that I had a crush on you. I mentioned your accent and your smile and your beauty...and…” She shakes her head. “I didn’t want you to think that I was with you only for those reasons. I need you to know that I love you so much, Shelby. Your quiet strength, your sincere empathy for others, your desire to grow and change and learn, your intelligence and sense of humor and wit and…”

She’s cut off when Shelby’s lips collide with hers. The kiss is full of passion and desire. It’s so frantic that teeth clash and she knows her lips will bruise. But somehow, it’s still perfect. Like Shelby. Like them.

Shelby pulls away and rolls her eyes. “I know you aren’t using me for sex, Toni. I know that you love me for who I am not what I look like.” She sighs and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “I was beginning to think that you weren’t sexually attracted to me. Like...that you didn’t find me attractive enough.”

“Fuck.” Toni breathes out. “I completely misread this situation again. How could I have ever made you think I didn’t find you beautiful?”

Shelby smiles widely and shakes her head. “Pretty sure I was the one misreading this situation. But for the record. I absolutely want to rip your clothes off and have sex with you like...all the time. But, I am also not using you for sex. I want everything with you, Toni Shalifoe. And if it’s you who isn’t ready, that’s fine. I can be patient. I waited this long for you, I can wait as long as you need. But do not think for a moment that I am not ready for this.”

Toni kisses her again, and explores Shelby’s mouth with her tongue as her hands explore the rest of her. She feels Shelby’s fingers travel further into her shorts. 

Toni brings her fingers up Shelby’s sides and rests them on her sports bra then slowly moves them along it and cups Shelby’s breasts--pressing firmly. Shelby must take that bold move as confirmation to grow bolder herself. Her hand smooths over Toni’s underwear, dropping down to her core. And Toni knows that Shelby has to feel the warm, wetness there even through her underwear.

She moans into Toni’s mouth at the contact, and uses one finger to press into Toni a bit harder and Toni deepens the kiss, before pulling her mouth away and attaching it to Shelby’s neck--fully intent on marking her. On claiming her. In the meantime, Shelby’s finger strokes up and down along the crotch of Toni’s underwear, before quickly dipping underneath and swiping up the moisture gathered there. 

Before Toni can react the contact is gone and Shelby is bringing her finger to Toni’s lips. Toni sucks the finger into her mouth as her eyes meet Shelby’s fully dilated ones. She watches as Shelby visibly swallows as Toni licks off the contents of herself from Shelby’s finger. And then Shelby is immediately re-attaching her lips to Toni’s and kissing her with everything she’s worth. Her tongue enters Toni’s mouth without preamble and she moans as she tastes Toni there.

Toni squeezes Shelby’s breasts more firmly and then feels Shelby’s nipples harden against her palms, even through the fabric. So she pinches one and Shelby has to back away to catch her breath.

“Fuck....” Shelby breathes out through heavy exhales. “That was...wow. Okay, I was just planning on getting a little more handsy than usually and got carried away...but…” She licks her lips and stares at Toni with wide eyes. “You taste better than I imagined.”

Toni moans and snaps her eyes shut. “I just...I…” She opens them again. “You amaze me.”

Shelby smiles at her knowingly. “You gave me a hickey, didn’t you?”

“I did, yeah…” Toni admits.

“I’m not mad.” She touches the spot. “I like knowing that I’m yours.”

Toni doesn’t know how to respond to that, so she doesn’t. Shelby’s gaze falters and she exhales shakily.

“I don’t know what to do when you look at me like that.” She whispers as she closes the distance between them to hold Toni’s hand.

Toni’s eyes furrow in confusion. “Like what?”

“Like I’m the one who gave  _ you  _ the world. Like...I matter.” She leans in and rests her forehead against Toni’s and they share the same breath. “It’s what drew me to you. I wanted to figure you out. I wanted to know what it meant, why it affected me so much.”

Toni swallows. “And...did you figure it out?”

“At first...it looks like the way you look at Martha or Leah or Fatin or the others. That protectiveness. That fierceness.”

“At first?”

Shelby smiles. “I can’t believe it took me so long to realize it...that you don’t look at me the same way as you do the rest of them. The protectiveness is there. The intensity, too. But...your eyes are softer.” Shelby touches the spot between Toni’s eyebrows and smooths it out. “You look at me like you understand. Like you see me. And that’s why it affected me. Because more than anything in the world, I wanted to be seen. Especially by you.”

Toni kisses her. She holds Shelby’s face in her palms and stares at her. And then she smiles into the kiss as she closes her eyes.

The way Shelby is able to put things between them into words. The way that Shelby can understand her and is patient with her. The way that Shelby seems to inherently interpret her moods and react accordingly. The way she calms her down and makes her heart race at the same time. The way she makes her feel vulnerable and invincible at once. 

Toni knows without a doubt that Shelby loves her. She’s not using her for sex. She’s not ashamed of their relationship. She’s not intent on hiding her or them. She’s not rushing things and also blatantly lets Toni know she is ready for more whenever Toni is. She’s everything Toni never let herself dream about. She’s good and pure in a way that Toni can’t help admiring and used to feel unable to measure up to. But Shelby is also imperfect and human and messy. And Toni likes that the most. Loves it. Loves her. And she thinks, maybe she might be ready for sex again soon. She might be ready to give herself completely to her in a way that she only now realizes no longer terrifies her, but rather excites her instead. 

Toni pulls away. “Thank you for seeing me.”

Shelby rolls her eyes. “That’s what I was trying to say to you.”

Toni smirks. “Well then, I beat you to it. Just like I said, ‘I love you’ first.”

Shelby’s eyes widen. “What? No! You said it by accident. I was the first one to say it intentionally.”

“Are we really arguing about this?”

“Yes.” Shelby huffs adorably. “I want it on record that I loved you first. Even if you beat me saying it based on a technicality.”

Toni licks her lips and her eyes darken. “I love how smart you are. Brains are sexy as hell.”

“Really?” Shelby smiles and then frowns. “You mean...I shouldn’t have pretended to need help in Physics last year just to spend time with you?”

Toni laughs. “I did wonder about that! You were so intent on studying together like...twice. And then...you stopped. And...you got the highest grades in the class, Shelby. I always assumed you got a real tutor.”

Shelby shakes her head. “Being around you was too hard, even with Martha around. And we bickered the entire time...which was actually...it sort of…”

Toni smirks. “It turned you on.”

Shelby blushes and nods wordlessly. 

“You are  _ so  _ gay.” Toni teases her. “But really? You pretended to be stupid because you thought I would like you better?”

“That’s how it works with guys, isn’t it?”

“Fuck, Shelby.” Toni sighs. “What else did you change about yourself for someone else?” She puts her hand back on Shelby’s cheek and Shelby leans into her. Toni caresses her lips with her thumb. “Please, promise me that you’ll always be yourself for me.”

“I am. I will.” Shelby kisses Toni’s thumb. And then smirks as she sucks it into her mouth.

Toni moans and then steps away again. “Okay...wow. If that’s you being yourself, I foresee more cold showers in my future.”

Shelby laughs loudly. “Jacuzzi's with water jets are also really good.”

“I remember…”

Eventually, they leave the barn and head back into the house. They spend the rest of the afternoon playing video games with Martha’s siblings. Toni knows that Shelby is having fun, but that being around them makes her miss her own brother and sister a lot. And not knowing how to make her feel better about it makes Toni feel helpless. She hates that feeling.

That evening, they are cuddled together in Toni’s room watching a movie. 

“So...have you given any more thought about whether or not you want to see your mom?” Toni asks her as the ending credits roll.

Shelby sighs. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

Toni rubs circles on Shelby’s back and kisses her on the top of the head. “What if...what if it’s not about her?”

Shelby props herself up on her forearms. “What do you mean?”

“What if you told her that you’d meet her only if you could see your brother and sister?”

Shelby’s eyes lit up for a brief moment before her face morphs into that of contemplation. “I...yeah, I really miss them. I think I could do that. Plus, they’d be the perfect buffer. She can’t get too personal or say anything bad to me with them around.” She pecks Toni on the lips. “Would you be willing to be there with me, too? For moral support.”

“Of course. Always.”

Shelby settles back down so that her entire body is draped over Toni’s and Toni holds her there firmly.

“Also...there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.” Toni ventures nervously.

Shelby’s eyes widen. “Those words aren’t usually followed by anything good.”

“I think this is good.” Toni tries to reassure her. “I hope it is.”

“Okay?”

“I was looking into churches that proudly support the LGBT+ community. There is one in the next town and I know what your faith means to you and how you don’t talk about it, but knowing Sunday is tomorrow and you can’t go to your old church...I thought we could try this new one together. If you were up for it.”

Shelby stares at her without answering for so long until Toni gets anxious and starts to squirm under her. 

“I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I’m stupid…”

Shelby shakes her head frantically and covers Toni’s mouth with her hand. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend that way. I don’t want to have to beat you up.”

Toni smiles and then licks Shelby’s palm playfully. Shelby rolls her eyes.

“You think I don’t want your tongue anywhere on my skin?” She raises an eyebrow. “Was that supposed to gross me out?” She removes her hand from Toni’s mouth and replaces it with her lips. Shelby kisses her chastely and smiles. “I wasn’t hating on the idea, Toni. I was trying to figure out for the umpteenth time what the hell I did to deserve you.”

Toni pretends to think about it. “I know. I can’t seem to figure it out either.”

Shelby laughs and rests her head on Toni’s collar bone. Her steady, warm breaths against Toni’s neck makes her shiver.

“Your heart is racing.” Shelby murmurs against her skin. “Unless that’s mine. I can’t tell.”

They fall asleep like that and stay there until Martha gets home and wakes them up. Shelby regrettably leaves so that she can get home and be ready for church in the morning.

“You’re a whole different person around her.” Martha points out when she crawls into bed and lays next to Toni. “I’ve seen you happy before. Here and there throughout the years. More so lately. All the time lately. But when you’re with Shelby...you’re calm. There’s no fight left. Not in the ‘you went soft or you’re weak’ way. But...contentment. I think that’s what it is.” Martha sighs. “Anyway, it’s a really good look on you.”

“Me? Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Toni distracts the conversation from herself by teasing. “You’ve been glowing since Oliver asked you out. I think even Marcus is getting jealous.”

Martha shoves her. “Don’t bring Marcus into this. This isn’t about him.”

Toni laughs and raises her hands in mock surrender. “You’re right. My bad.”

They settle into a comfortable silence.

“I’m glad you’re happy, too.” Toni admits. “That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

Martha hugs her. “I’ve been happy since the school year started. All my friends are back together. My two favorite people get along…”

“Marcus and Oliver?”

Martha rolls her eyes and sighs. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things. About last year. I know I can’t take my testimony back...or make up for lying...and I’m glad he’s in prison.” Martha looks at Toni. “But...part of me wants to reach out to the others. Would that be okay, do you think? If I tell them I’m sorry and that I believe them?”

Toni sits up and studies her. “You think you’re ready to talk about it? Because if you reach out...they may want to know why? You might have to say things out loud. For real. Not just like you did to us...but…”

Martha nods. “I know. And I think they deserve it. They were brave enough to testify to the truth, I think I’m finally ready to admit that I wasn’t.”

“Is this what you...have you talked to Oliver about it?” Toni wonders.

“We talked some. It’s nice to have someone who understands. I know you try. And Leah does more than most. But he...he was young, too. And has a lifetime of shame he had to endure, like me.”

Toni nods. “I'm very proud of you.” She hugs her. “I know how hard this is. Or, I can try to imagine.”

“You don’t have to do that, Toni. I wasn’t saying that you don’t get it. I just meant…”

“I know.”

Toni holds her and they fall asleep like that. 

The next morning, she texts her friends as she gets ready and let’s them know what she’s planning. She and Martha get ready together before heading to Leah’s house. Leah’s mom lets them in.

“Toni, Martha. So great to see you. The girls are almost ready.”

They wait for them downstairs and Toni overhears Leah talking to Shelby. 

“Don’t forget this.”

“What?” 

“We’re going to church, Shelby. You need something to cover that hickey. Even make-up didn’t help. Was she trying to suck your face off?”

Martha laughs out loud and Leah and Shelby stop dead in their tracks as they round the corner and see them. Shelby is tying a scarf around her neck as her cheeks redden.

“Sorry.” Toni says unnecessarily.

Leah stares at her and raises an eyebrow. “Sure you are.”

“I notice you’re not wearing a scarf...does that mean Fatin was a gentleman or does that mean that I just have to look harder to find the evidence?”

Leah blushes and Martha slaps Toni and Shelby laughs awkwardly.

“Okay...so...church?” Shelby coughs. “This should be interesting.”

They head outside and all of their friends are waiting for them.

“What in the world?” Shelby says in awe. “What’re you all doing here?”

“This is our way of showing up for you.” Fatin explains. “It’s what we do for each other.”

“Well...shit.” Shelby breathes out and wipes a few stray tears from her eyes.

“You plan on going to church with that mouth?” Toni teases and then she kisses Shelby’s cheek.

She holds her hand and they walk toward the vehicles to divvy up into some of them for carpooling

“Thank you.” Shelby whispers as they sit in the back seat of Fatin’s car and buckle up. 

Toni’s never been religious. First, because she didn’t have parents who cared enough to bring her to church. But mostly, because she’s used to being rejected for who she is by religious types. But today is different. They are all welcomed with open arms and genuine smiles and something in Toni shifts. She isn’t planning on falling to her knees and yelling Hallelujah any time soon, but she could see herself supporting Shelby on this journey of hers. Helping her heal through her faith rather than being tortured by it. And Shelby, judging by the joy on her face as she sings the hymns, needs this. She looks at peace here. In a way that Toni doesn’t think she ever saw in her.

They all go out to brunch after church. Toni calls it breakfast in her head, but both Fatin and Shelby insist that it’s brunch and Toni doesn’t feel like arguing over something so small. She smiles to herself at the thought. Toni doesn’t want to argue about something. That’s a first! And it feels nice. Martha was right, this feeling...it’s contentment. Or peace. She feels like it’s something more than hope. Hope always let her down. She gave up on that. Contentment feels attainable. Real. And peace...peace makes her feel like she can finally start fighting and just live. Enjoy her life for once. She really likes the sound of that.

The warmth of Shelby’s hand on her thigh brings her out of her thoughts. She’s been even more intimate with her touches lately. Not inappropriate or even like she’s pushing for more. But like she requires Toni’s touch to live. Like she can’t be away from it for too long. It becomes like a lifeline. A touchstone. A tether to the real world. A reminder that this isn’t in her imagination. And Toni knows that’s how Shelby must feel, because she feels it too. Every time Shelby touches her, she’s reminded how real she is. And that she’s hers. 

She rests her hand on top of Shelby’s and smiles at her. Shelby instantly returns it. That’s when she makes a vow to herself that she will make more of an effort as well. That Shelby shouldn’t be the only one initiating things. That she wants to remind Shelby she’s in just as deep. That she needs her, too.

It’s almost a week later, when Toni is driving Shelby to their park to meet with Shelby’s family. Well, her family sans her dad. Shelby is clutching her hand in a vice grip and her knees are bouncing rapidly.

“We can always turn around. If you’re not ready.” Toni tells her as she parks the car.

Shelby shakes her head. “They’re already here.” She sighs and looks like she’s trying to psyche herself up. “I can do this.”

“You can.” Toni squeezes her hand. “But also, it’s okay if you can’t.”

Shelby smiles at her gratefully. She leans over and kisses her on the cheek, and then exits the car. She straightens her posture, giving herself an extra inch than usual to her height. Her determination is also sexy. But Toni finds herself more concerned for her girlfriend than anything else at the moment.

Shelby’s mom is waiting at a picnic table, fussing over Shelby’s little brother and sister. They all glance up in unison when they notice them approaching. Shelby’s siblings run to her as soon as they see her and she hugs them fiercely.

“I missed you.” She tells them.

“Are you going home then?” Her sister asks. “It isn’t the same without you there.”

Shelby shakes her head. “No. I...I’m not.”

Toni wonders how much they know. What they were told. What lies. She glances at Shelby’s mom who is watching her children with fondness. Toni wants to hate her out of principle. But her own mother never looked at her like that before--not that she can recall. And she suddenly feels like an interloper to this family reunion. She’s about to dismiss herself--let Shelby know she’ll be in the car if she needs her.

“Mom.” Shelby says stiffly, then she smiles in Toni’s direction. “Melody and Spencer. This is Toni.”

“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.” Toni says politely.

“Nice to meet you, Toni.” Mrs. Goodkind answers just as politely.

They all stand around awkwardly. 

“Hey...so...I brought a soccer ball. I thought maybe we could play a game. Me and Melody against Spencer and Shelby, what do you say?” Toni offers.

Shelby’s eyes widen. She didn’t know that Toni had a backup plan, but she seems grateful about it.

“I don’t know if that’s very fair. I’m on the soccer team at school and Shelby usually plays goalie for me when we practice.” Spencer says regrettably. “I guess we could take it easy on you.”

Toni raises her eyebrows and glances at Shelby. Then she looks at Melody seriously.

“That sounded like a challenge? Is he suggesting that he doesn’t think we’ll kick his butt?” 

Melody smiles and shakes her head. 

“I don’t think he realizes who I am.” Toni exaggerates. “And Melody here...the littlest ones are always the fastest. Everyone knows that.”

Shelby nods. “She is fast.”

And the game is on. The teams are actually pretty well matched. Spencer’s good, and Shelby is better than she expected. But so is Melody. And Toni knows how good she is. She’s always excelled at every sport she ever tried. 

After about a half hour, they call it quits. It was a tie.

“That’s the reason I gave up soccer for basketball.” Toni says as she collapses on the grass and is breathing heavily. “You don’t end a basketball game in a tie. There always has to be a winner. I like that.”

Spencer settles beside her. “That’s true. In my league, everyone gets trophies and I don’t think that’s fair. Some teams are better. That’s just the way it is.”

Shelby sighs and rests beside them. “But that doesn’t mean that you should rub it in the other kids’ faces. Sometimes, it’s just nice to be part of a team. Some people need that.”

Toni stares at her as her mouth drops open. “How did I not know this about you, princess?” She shakes her head. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree.”

Shelby laughs and so does Melody.

“Next, you’re going to say that we should offer participation medals at the Olympics.” Toni teases with a wrinkle of her nose that gets Melody giggling again.

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” Shelby ponders.

Toni stares at her and then looks at Spencer. “Is she being serious? Please tell me she isn’t being serious.”

He grins at her. “She’s teasing. Mostly. You should see her at family game night. She takes Monopoly  _ very _ seriously.”

“As one should.” Toni replies.

Shelby is still smiling when she stands up. She dusts off the grass from her legs and walks over to her mom. They’re not far from her, so Toni’s sure that Mrs. Goodkind heard the conversation.

“Are you her girlfriend?” Melody asks.

Toni’s eyes widen. “What?”

Melody shrugs. “They think we don’t know why she left. But we heard.”

Toni looks from her to Spencer and he nods in confirmation.

“And...how does that make you feel?” Toni wonders.

“Sad. I don’t like how dad talks to her or about her.” Spencer is the one who answers. “They’re always arguing now. Mom and Dad. Mom doesn’t like it either. The things he says.”

Toni glances at Shelby talking to her mom and her fear about the day lessens. Maybe Mrs. Goodkind really is trying.

“I think Shelby’s happier.” Melody says. “I like you. You’re fun.”

Toni smiles at her. “I like you, too.”

They are all quiet for a while. Toni plays in the grass. Pulling it out. Running her hands through it.

“Shelby misses you guys, you know that right?” Toni tells them. Pleading with them to understand. “She isn’t staying away because she doesn’t miss you. She’s staying away because she’s hurting.”

They nod.

“We know.” Spencer tells her.

Toni is surprised when Melody crawls in her lap and hugs her. “I don’t want her to hurt anymore. It makes me sad.”

“Me too.” Toni admits. “I just got adopted and I have some siblings of my own now. Maybe, if your mom says it’s okay, you can come over sometime and we can have our own game night.” She glances at Spencer with a smirk. “I’d like a rematch anyway.”

He smiles back at her. “You’re on.”

They fist bump each other. And Toni finds herself with hope swelling in her chest again. They won’t have to go through all the deprogramming Shelby did. They won’t have her shame. Toni smiles at that. Shelby didn’t want anyone to inherit her shame. And she doesn’t have to worry about that. Toni truly believes these kids will be alright. 

Shelby approaches them shyly. “Um...Toni, my mom would like to talk to you.”

Toni’s eyes widen and cut to Mrs. Goodkind. She starts to tremble in fear. 

Melody giggles. “Don’t be scared, silly.” She kisses her cheek. “She’s a good mom.”

Toni swallows thickly at that. She really does want to believe that. For that to reassure her. But if it’s true...then she has to deal with the fact that she needs to make a good impression. She needs this woman to like her. To accept that she’s good enough for her daughter. 

She marches slowly the several yards to what could be her execution. She glances behind her and sees Shelby settling back on the ground and picking on Spencer and Melody. Shoving them and wrestling with them.

“I owe you a thank you, Toni.” Mrs. Goodkind says as she gets within earshot.

Toni frowns without comprehension. “What?”

“Shelby said the only reason she even reached out to me was because of you.” She tells her kindly. “So thank you. I know I have a lot of work to do to fix what I allowed to be broken. But I wanted to assure you that I have every intention of trying.”

Toni nods and sits beside her. “That’s good to hear.”

The silence between them stretches out and turns awkward. She watches Shelby with her brother and sister with adoration until Mrs. Goodkind’s voice cuts into her thoughts.

“It’s hard for a mother...to realize how little you knew your own child.” She sighs and Toni looks at her. “I knew...we knew she was gay after what happened with Becca. But…” She shakes her head. “That wasn’t the only thing I missed. It was the small things. The way she actually hated pageants but let herself be put on display because that’s what she thought would make us happy. The way she grew more and more distant over the years. More and more unhappy. The way she contorted herself to fit into something she thought we wanted. The way she lost herself in the process.”

Toni turns and watches Shelby again. 

“I missed it all. Either because I wasn’t paying attention...or more likely, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted her to be that person.”

Toni jumps when she feels Mrs. Goodkind’s hand on her own. Mrs. Goodkind draws back instantly. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I…” She doesn’t know how to explain consent to a woman who allows her own husband to control and manipulate his daughter. 

“She was never that person. And so...it hurts...like I lost someone. Like I’m mourning this person that never existed.”

Toni stares at her again. “Did you tell Shelby this? She has a right to know.”

Mrs. Goodkind nods. “I did. And you’re right, she does. I can’t believe I waited so long to say it.” She sits up in a prim and proper way and folds her arms together. “But I see her now. Or I’m starting, too. And...I have never seen her so genuinely happy like I have today. With you...and playing soccer with Spencer and Melody.” She looks intently into Toni’s eyes. “I know I’ll make plenty of mistakes along the way. But…” She looks back at her kids and her smile turns warm and soft again. “The girl I started to get to know today, the  _ real _ Shelby. She is so much better than the one I thought I knew.”

Toni smiles genuinely at that. “She is. She’s amazing.”

Mrs. Goodkind catches her eyes again. “Thank you for taking care of her. For getting her here today. For keeping her safe.”

Toni can’t maintain eye contact. So she looks at the table and digs at it with her fingers. “What about her dad?”

“He...he’s convinced that we lost her. And I don’t know how to change that.” She admits.

“I went to church last week.” Shelby says as she joins them and startles both Toni and her mom. “Toni found a church and all of my friends went with me.” Shelby sits down beside Toni and Spencer and Melody stand behind them. “I haven’t lost my faith. Or my way. Or whatever it is he’s scared of. The only thing I lost is my shame and self-hatred...and my family.”

Mrs. Goodkind shakes her head frantically. “That’s what I’m trying to say. You didn’t lose us. Not me and the kids. And...if I can’t make your father see reason, I...I’m going to have to leave him.” 

Shelby stiffens and stares at her mom with wide eyes, but Spencer and Melody don’t react. So Toni assumes that they already know.

“That’s why I’m here.” Mrs. Goodkind explains. “I wanted you to give me a chance to prove to you how serious I am about not wanting to lose you. I choose you, Shelby. If you’ll let me stay a part of your life, I’d be more than honored to get to know who you are.”

They talk openly and honestly after that. And Toni actually believes that she’s trying. She respects her for it. But it isn’t up to her, it’s up to Shelby. To forgive. To move on. To decide if she’s ready to let her in again. Or if she even trusts her.

As they get ready to part for the day, Mrs. Goodkind asks them to follow her to their car. 

“I brought you something.” She tells Shelby and opens the trunk.

Shelby starts to cry when her mom pulls out her guitar. “You were addicted to this thing for a year and then...when you left without it...I figured you’d want it back.”

Shelby hugs her. And Mrs. Goodkind recovers from the shock slowly, almost dropping the treasured guitar on the ground. Toni grabs it from her and Mrs. Goodkind wraps her other hand around Shelby to hold her tighter. Toni lets them have their moment. She brings the guitar to the car and puts it in the back seat and waits for Shelby to eventually join her.

The ride home is filled with silence. Toni decides to wait Shelby out. She knows she’ll talk when she’s ready.

“Thank you for today.” Is all Shelby says when Toni drops her off.

But when Toni hands her the guitar after walking her to the door, Shelby catches her wrist and tugs her. “Please, stay with me tonight.”

Toni nods wordlessly and follows Shelby up to her bedroom. As they pass Leah in the hallway, with a concerned look on her face, Toni shakes her head and Leah seems to understand to let them be for now.

Shelby falls asleep shortly after, with Toni holding her. When she’s sure she’s sleeping, Toni carefully extracts herself and sneaks off to Leah’s room. She knocks quietly and hears Leah’s muffled, “Come in” through the closed door.

“So...how is she?” Leah asks as soon as Toni enters.

“She’ll be okay. I think it went better than she expected. But it was still very emotional.” Toni says and collapses onto Leah’s bed. “Her mom is trying.”

“That’s good.” Leah’s fingers weave through Toni’s hair and she hums in contentment. “So...how are you?”

Toni sighs and turns over on her back. “I’m happy for her. I hope it works out. I think it will.” 

“But?”

“I can’t help being upset that my mom never tried hard enough to keep me in her life.”

“Oh, Toni…” Leah lays down beside her and hugs her. “I can’t imagine how today must have felt for you.”

“It’s just...why was I never enough for her? Why did she never want me?” 

Toni is crying before she realizes it.

“I think...I think it says more about her than it does about you.” Leah tells her quietly. “Not that it makes it better. But her addiction was her problem and her failing at being a parent has nothing to do with you.”

“I know. Like...logically I understand.”

“But it still hurts.”

Toni nods against her. “Yeah. It still hurts.”

They stay like that for a while, and Toni is grateful for her. She didn’t want to make Shelby’s big day about herself, and she tried her best not to, but it brought up painful emotions that she still doesn’t know how to get rid of. She thought she moved on. That she was over it. Guess not.

“How about we go back to Shelby’s room so she doesn’t wake up alone.” Leah tells her. “I’m sleeping with you tonight, no arguments.”

“Kinky. Are you sure Fatin will be okay with that?” Toni teases because she needs to lighten the mood. She hates feeling vulnerable.

“Believe it or not, she’d approve.” Leah says with a smirk. “She’d want details, but she’d be okay with it.”

Toni laughs. “I’m actually really happy you’re together. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. I’m really happy, too.” Leah admits. “Happier than I ever imagined possible.”

They talk about it for a little while longer before returning to Shelby’s room. Shelby immediately turns into Toni and snuggles into her when she lays back down, like she’s aware of her presence. Like she’s drawn to it.

Two days later, Shelby surprises Toni after school. She shows up at the Blackburns with a bouquet of flowers and her guitar.

Toni’s face lights up. “You’re here to serenade me.”

Shelby shakes her head. “That ship has sailed. I’m here to seduce you.”

Toni laughs at that and kisses her. “Seduce away.”

She hands the flowers to Mrs. Blackburn to put into a vase and leads Shelby up to her bedroom. Toni sits on the bed as Shelby pulls out her guitar and fiddles with the chords to tune it. 

Shelby gazes at her with glassy eyes and she bites her lip nervously.

“I never thought I’d actually get to play this for you...and knowing that...knowing that I have you. That you’re mine...I really hope I make it through this…”

She smiles at Toni and Toni smiles back encouragingly. Then Shelby takes a deep shuddering breath and closes her eyes as she strums the first few chords. Then she looks at Toni with determination and love and starts to sing. 

Her melodic voice enthralls her, but the words pouring out of her mouth...past those lips…

“ You walk

When I run

You talk

When I'm stunned

You're real

When I'm fake

You're strong

When I'm breaking down

When I'm breaking down

You're home

When I'm lost

You know every line I've crossed

You're close

But this time I've gone too far

I'm holdin' onto hope

But takin' back by fear

Knowin' what I've done

And why I'm standing here

If you don't want me to stay

I'll say my piece and then I'll go away

I'll say my piece and then I'll go away

I'll say my piece and then I'll go away

I'll say my piece and then I'll go away

I turn

When you stare

I've tried to show I care but soon

I'll find out if I'm too late

I'm holdin' onto hope

But takin' back by fear

Knowin' what I've done

And why I'm standing here

If you don't want me to stay

I'll say my piece and then I'll go away”

Toni doesn’t let her finish the song before she rushes to her and kisses her soundly. The guitar is awkward between them, so she removes it from Shelby’s trembling hands and sets it on the floor before dragging Shelby to her bed. Her legs hit the mattress and she lets herself fall, taking Shelby with her. Their lips are still connected as Shelby straddles her. Eventually, she pulls away so that Toni can get more comfortable.

“So, you’re telling me if I sang you this song last year…” Shelby asks as she attempts to regain her composure.

Toni laughs and shakes her head, and then pulls Shelby back to her. Shelby kisses her and then attaches her lips to Toni’s neck and sucks on it harshly. Returning the favor, Toni guesses.

“I wouldn’t have been ready for you then. I wouldn't have believed you...that I was worth it...that..”

She doesn’t get to finish because she hisses when Shelby nips at her and then removes her shirt, with Toni’s quick to follow.

“You believe it now?” Shelby asks, resting herself on Toni’s hips and staring at her shirtless. 

“I do.” Toni admits and shivers at the hunger in Shelby’s eyes when her gaze traverses Toni’s body.

She licks her lips and Shelby instinctively grinds into her. Toni moans in response and Shelby reclaims her lips. 

“If you’re not ready…” Shelby offers but Toni leads her hand down to her shorts and Shelby takes the hint without further instruction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "I'll Say My Piece" by Chester See with Andy Lange
> 
> (If anyone would be so kind and decides to make a Shoni vid to this song, I will give you my first born and my soul gladly!)
> 
> And not sure if any of you noticed, but I have been updating Toni's Curriculum as new things are mentioned. ;)
> 
> I also think this might be the time to ask your thoughts on whether or not I should up the rating here. I didn't know how much you would want and it is currently T, so...
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked it! :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, hope it's worth it!
> 
> Also, this story is drawing to an end, just a few more chapters left. And next chapter will be Quinn's POV and features the whole group again so I'm really excited about it. :)

Leah is lying on top of Fatin, kissing down her neck when Shelby interrupts them. 

“Oh, shit...sorry.” Shelby storms back out of the room.

Leah crawls off of Fatin and Fatin sits up and straightens out her shirt.

“Shelby, get your ass back in here. You already ruined the mood.” Fatin calls after her.

A few seconds later, Shelby enters with a red face and averts her eyes. Fatin laughs. 

Shelby exhales shakily at that and then marches to the bed and carefully sits at the edge of it.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Leah tells her. Then she sits on her knees and shakes her head as her mouth drops open. “You did it. You had sex.”

Shelby’s cheeks and neck grow impossibly redder and Fatin is now completely invested in this conversation.

“Was it better than you thought it’d be?” She asks.

“Way better. Because it was real.” Shelby admits. “She does this thing…”

Fatin raises her hand. “Spare us the actual details.”

She glances at Leah and sees her frown. Interesting…

“Right. So…” Shelby collapses onto the bed with a contented sigh. “I’m glad I waited for her.” She looks at them. “I’m glad she was my first. She was perfect. And I…” She rolls over on her stomach. “I didn’t really think I would be good at it...but...I think that I did pretty well all things considered. At least, I know I had a good time. She tastes…”

Fatin narrows her eyes. “Shelby. I tease and flirt with Toni all the time, but I do not need to know what she tastes like.”

She buries her head in the crook of her elbow. “I know. Sorry. Again.”

Fatin chuckles. “But as a sex positive person, I’m so glad you released your inner sex goddess and may Toni benefit from it.”

Leah laughs and shakes her head. “I’m glad you had a good time, Shelby. But maybe we do need ground rules.”

Shelby nods seriously. “Like a sock on the door?”

Fatin groans. “Fuck. How about we just...knock?”

“Yeah. That works.” Shelby agrees.

“Or we text ahead. Like...for any plans. Even if it’s not sex.” Then she glances at Fatin. “But not with the actual intention of interrupting each other. Only as a precaution.”

Fatin smirks but nods in acquiescence. 

They talk a little longer, mostly about the date and how she sang to Toni and why she wanted to and what it meant for them. And Fatin has to admit that she’s impressed with their progress. 

“I’m really happy for you, Shelby. And fucking proud of you.” Fatin tells her.

Shelby frowns. “For losing my virginity?”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “For how far you’ve come. For going after what you want. For getting it.”

“Oh, right.” She smiles broadly. “I’m happy for both of you as well. And proud for those same reasons. I didn’t mean to interrupt, and I’m sorry I did. But you do look so freaking cute together.” Shelby hugs them both and is gone as quickly as she entered--like a hurricane upending their world.

With the mood broken, Fatin explores Leah’s room. She’s already memorized all the pictures Leah has displayed around her room, so she chooses to focus on the books this time. So many books. As she idly peruses them, she takes in the names of authors and book titles. Leah’s mind is one of her favorite things about her. The way she thinks and the way she sees the world.

_ Bell Hooks. Audre Lorde. Angela Davis. Thich Nhat Hanh. Elie Wiesel.  _

“I know I should know some of these people, but I...don’t.” She admits with a sigh.

Leah adjusts herself on her bed and watches her. “I can’t take all the credit. Most of the books that aren’t queer and from Toni’s list were recommended by either Nora or my therapist.

That’s when Fatin really starts to take in some of the titles.

_ Stop Missing Your Life. Permission to Feel. Cosmic Serpent. Think Like a Monk. The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. Good Chemistry. Evil. Chop Wood Carry Water. The Memory Illusion. Be the Person You Want to Meet. The Hidden Life of Trees. The Highly Sensitive Person. Daring Greatly. _

Then her mind stutters and her fingers stop on a single book. The  _ Quran. _

She picks it up and twirls it in her fingers reverently.

Leah is on her knees and bounces nervously. “I know that you don’t talk about your religion the same way that Shelby does, but I know that it’s important to you and I...I wanted to learn about it. To understand. In case you ever talked about it or wanted to, I wanted to…”

Fatin sits the book on the bed and pulls Leah into her for a kiss that she hopes not only eases Leah’s mind, but rocks her world. She knows it does things to her. She feels her chest swell with love and her belly swarm with butterflies and yes, maybe she is highly turned on right now...but that isn’t even the point. 

Fatin is head over heels in love with this girl. She knows this. She has been. And somehow...somehow she is still falling. And she doesn’t ever want to stop.

She eventually pulls out of the kiss, and runs her hands through Leah’s hair as she looks into her eyes. She bites her lip and smiles at her with all the joy her heart can hold.

“How can you be real?” She breathes out in awe.

“What do you mean?” Leah asks.

Leah intertwines their fingers and pulls Fatin to sit beside her on the bed. 

“Tell me, what’s going through that head of yours.” Leah tells her after a brief period of silence.

Fatin shakes her head. “You probably read and forgot more things than I ever knew.” She sighs because honestly, she is in awe of this girl. “Did you know...we have had classes together since freshman year. I really noticed you that December, just before winter break. Everyone was goofing off because it was nearly the holidays...and you were...you just sat calmly in the back of the room, reading a damn book.”

Leah blushes at that and Fatin moves her hand to Leah’s cheek and rubs her thumb against it softly. 

“I thought about you the entire break and when school resumed, I made sure to sit next to you.” Fatin smirks shyly. “Naturally, I planned to cheat off you during our next test. Because someone who read as much as you did and who took notes obsessively…” She shakes her head. “But you weren’t taking notes. You were journaling. Or I assumed you were. Sometimes, I imagined that you were writing poetry. I figured an enigma like you would make a great poet.”

Leah stares at her and smiles adorably.

“The more I watched you, the more fascinated I was by you. And the longer it took to actually say something to you...the less I wanted to. Like...I was scared I’d break this ideal version of you I built in my head.”

“Fatin…”

“But that’s just it. When we finally talked. When I finally got to know you.” She grazes Leah’s lips with her thumb and kisses her softly. “Leah...you shattered every one of my fantasies about you in the most amazing way possible. The real thing is so much better than the perfect image I had of you. I love your messiness and your mind and your fucking eyes...they are beautiful and like...they see into my soul. And I love the way you are with Toni. So help me god. And Shelby and Nora and Martha and all of them. You are an amazing friend. And I love the growth you’ve shown and the depth and…”

She could go on forever and plans to, but she is interrupted by Leah’s quiet, ”You love...me?”

“I absolutely do. Of course I do.” She brings Leah’s hand to her lips and kisses her fingertips. “I am so completely in love with you. I think I always was.”

“I love you, too. In case you’re wondering. But…” She sighs. “I only just figured it out. For all the intelligence you say I have...I can’t believe it took me so long.”

Fatin pulls Leah into her and holds her. “I wasn’t going anywhere. I was content to just be around you.”

“Bullshit.” Leah murmurs against Fatin’s skin and it causes her to shudder even as she laughs.

“You’re right. I was going crazy! Like...being around you is my favorite thing, but now...now that I know what it’s like to kiss you, what it feels like to be loved by you... _ you  _ are my favorite thing in any capacity.”

Leah stiffens and pulls away from Fatin slightly to look at her seriously. “And you don’t mind that we’re waiting...for sex?”

“Of course not!”

“It’s not that I don’t want it. I do. So much. And even though my body does...my mind...it hasn’t quite caught up. I still…”

“Leah, I understand. And I wasn’t lying, okay? Being near you, being loved by you--it’s all I need.” She stares at her intensely--she needs her to believe her. “Maybe because of who I was...you think that I need sex. That I crave it. And yeah, I enjoy it tremendously. And sex with you would be out of this world... _ if  _ we have it. Because sex or not, Leah, I’m yours. All in. You’re stuck with me.” She smirks. “Besides, not only did I get really good with my hand. Or hands. Would you believe I’m ambidextrous now?” She raises an eyebrow and smiles when Leah laughs. “But I also invested in a new vibrator. I’m good. Beyond good. I…”

Leah kisses Fatin to presumably shut her up, which to be honest is kind of hot. And they make-out for a while. Fatin keeps her hands above Leah’s waist out of respect and smiles into the kisses as Leah’s hands continue to wander. Fatin is fine deferring to Leah and letting her set the pace. And if Leah prefers to give more than receive--then Fatin will respect that. Does she want to worship Leah’s body? Absolutely. Do all of her fantasies involve her tongue in places that would make Leah blush? Probably. Does she wonder what she tastes like? Every damn day. Does she want to have Leah riding her face into the mattress? Duh. And has she thought about what it may be like to make use of some of the toys she has? Many, many times. 

But if it’s up to Leah and Leah would rather be the one handcuffing  _ her  _ to the bed and having her way with her...then who is Fatin to deny her? But more importantly, if Leah decides that she isn’t ready or doesn’t ever want to have sex with her...Fatin has already come to terms with that. She respects and loves Leah too much to have the minor detail of their lack of sex life be an obstacle between them. And that, to Fatin, shows the most growth of all. It makes her finally accept the fact that she is nothing like her father. And maybe, that is the problem. Maybe he isn’t a horrible man. Maybe he’s a human man who couldn’t love someone enough to stay faithful. Maybe it has nothing to do with her or even her mom. Maybe it’s him. And maybe, maybe she’s ready to forgive him.

She regrettably pulls away from Leah and ends their make-out session because she can’t kiss Leah while thinking about her dad. Even for her, that’s crossing a line.

“What’s wrong?” Leah questions nervously.

Fatin licks her lips and smiles. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.”

Leah doesn’t seem like she buys it.

Fatin sighs. “I forgive my dad. I think...I think I’m finally ready to reach out to him. Or rather...stop avoiding him when he calls.”

Leah’s eyebrows raise and she nods. “Fatin, that’s great!” Then she frowns. “A bit disturbing that you had that realization right now, but…”

Fatin laughs. “I was thinking about how my love for you makes me so much different than my father. That maybe he was incapable of pure and good love and...I...I found it.”

Leah’s entire face softens. “Oh…”

“See, so not so horrible, right?”

Leah smiles and pecks her on the cheek. “Not horrible at all.”

Fatin nervously plays with Leah’s fingers. “Go on a date with me...please?”

Leah laughs and squeezes Fatin’s hand in hers. “Fatin, honey, we just said I love you. We’ve made out most of the afternoon. Why are you suddenly nervous about this? Do you really think I’d say ‘No’?”

Fatin shrugs. “This is still new to me. I don’t want to get it wrong.”

Leah licks her lips and raises Fatin’s chin up so that they are staring at each other. “Be my girlfriend.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “Okay. I mean, yes! I want to be your girlfriend.”

Leah chuckles and kisses her on the lips chastely. When she pulls away, she’s smiling. “There. Now every time we hang out, it’s as girlfriends. So...you never have to be anxious about asking me on a date. We’ll just take turns planning date nights.”

Fatin smiles back at her. “I like that. A lot.” 

_ Girlfriend. _ She replays the word in her head on a mindless loop. She  _ really  _ loves the sound of it.

“I just realized...so, you and Dot were friends...and last year, I partnered up with Dot a lot for group projects...did you guys like...talk about me?”

Fatin looks at their linked hands shyly and then back up at Leah. “I plead the fifth.”

Leah raises an eyebrow and it’s sexy as hell.

“You know...I could always just ask Dot. Or Mr. C.”

“You will do no such thing!” Fatin says as she drops her jaw in shock. “Who knew you played dirty.” She recovers enough to continue flirting and smirks at her mischievously. “I like it.”

“How long  _ has _ Dot known?” Her eyes widen. “About your crush on me...not that you like it dirty.”

Fatin laughs. “They’ve known about both a lot longer than they probably ever wanted to. I didn’t even tell them about...you...they just...figured it out. Apparently, I’m not the most subtle.”

Leah frowns. “Really?”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “Of course it went by  _ you _ . But Toni and Shelby figured it out as well. Which...Toni...I” She shakes her head. “Nope, I get it. You were on to their mutual crushes so easily, so I guess I get it.”

“It’s easier to see things in other people. We all have blindspots.”

They fall into a comfortable conversation after that and soon it winds itself into a companionable silence as they get situated on the bed and cuddle into each other. It’s moments like these with Leah that are Fatin’s favorite. When no words need to be said between them. She feels Leah’s heart beat against her back as she’s being held by her, and her breathing slows to echo the steady rhythm it sets for her. She feels safe in Leah’s arms. At home. Loved. And yet, the very idea of love should terrify her. It used to. Oh, how she has changed. And she is grateful for it. Grateful for this beautiful girl.

“I love you.” She whispers into the silence. “I know I already said it...but, I like saying it and I love that I can. So get used to it.”

She feels Leah kiss the back of her head, and then she feels the gentle and sensual graze of Leah’s lips on the shell of her ear. She shudders at the warmth of her breath against her skin. 

“Say it as often as you want. I never expected to be loved back. It feels amazing.”

Fatin closes her eyes and smiles as she shifts herself around and faces Leah. She opens her eyes and they are so close they share a breath. Leah’s arms tighten around her, her eyes drift to Fatin’s lips.

“You’re with me now. Expect greatness.” Fatin tells her.

Leah chuckles and her breath falls on Fatin, and she inhales her. Her scent. Her essence. Her soul.

“You’re Soulmate.” Fatin admits. “In my phone, it’s you. My Soulmate.”

Leah’s eyes widen. “Oh.” She licks her lips and then she kisses Fatin.

And this time it feels different. More sure. More passionate. More full of love. Maybe the last part of Leah that was holding herself back is finally released with that admission. Maybe Leah understands the truth of it. She is Fatin’s forever. Her always. Her everything. There is no part of Fatin that is worth existing that hasn’t been touched by Leah Rilke. 

Fatin’s mom is waiting for her in the kitchen when she gets home that night. 

“Hey, honey.” She smiles at her and Fatin easily returns it.

“Hi, mom.”

Fatin is so grateful that they figured their shit out and that they both are able to truly see each other. She is so happy with how far their relationship has come.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Fatin’s mom says as she sits down the book she’s reading.

_ Symptoms of Being Human. _

“You do know that starting a sentence that way is never a good sign, right?” Fatin replies as she sits beside her.

Her mom’s eyes widen. “Oh, right. Sorry. No, this is absolutely good.” She runs her fingers through Fatin’s hair and pulls her in to kiss her on the temple. “I am so proud of you. You…” She sighs and sits up straighter. “You continue to amaze me. You and your friends.”

Fatin nods. Her friends amaze her constantly as well, that isn’t news. “Yeah, we’re pretty great.”

Her mom laughs so Fatin smirks happily.

“The other parents and I have gotten really close lately. It’s nice to have reconnected with the Reids and Mrs. Blackburn. But the Rilkes have been really great as well. Even Mrs. Goodkind has been really supportive. But I wanted to talk to you about something Quinn’s mom told us.”

Fatin frowns, she hopes Quinn is okay. 

“He used to be bullied every day of his life, dear. He never had friends and he used to be so depressed. But…” Her mom’s eyes shine with unshed tears. “This year. She said that he has never been happier. Even a lot of his...more... _ problematic _ behaviors have improved.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m judging him myself...anyway, it’s just...his mother was worried when you first started hanging out with him...she was worried that you all were using him or planning something bad...to hurt him. But she understands how wrong she was...she adores all of you. And she is so grateful for what you have given Quinn.”

“We didn’t…”

“You gave him normality, Fatin. You treated him like he was special, not because he was different, but because he matters to you. And you treat him like you do all of the others as well. You care about him.”

“Of course we do. We love him. He’s one of us.”

“That’s what I mean. You don’t even realize the impact you’ve had on his life. You don’t know what it means to him and his family. You just do it because that’s who you are. You’re good, Fatin. And I love you even more because you don’t see how amazing that is.”

Fatin swallows thickly and tears up. “Mom…”

She shakes her head. “No, I don’t say it enough. You  _ are  _ amazing, Fatin. You are good and decent and kind and I am proud of the woman you have become. I see it in how you are with your friends...with Leah. With your brother. And in the way that our relationship has improved.”

“Yes, my friends are amazing, Mom. But...we aren’t selfless like you think we are.” Fatin smiles at her sadly. “We built what we needed with each other. Leah never had friends either. And Toni didn’t have a family. And Shelby’s family didn’t accept her. And Dot’s dad is dying. And Nora’s and Rachel’s parents didn’t see them.” She plays with her fingers nervously, because she doesn’t want to upset her mom. “I’m not saying it’s your guys’ fault. I’m saying that we were all lonely or hurting or lost and...we found each other. We found the things we needed from each other. We built a family because at the time...we didn’t feel safe in our own.”

Her mom is crying, but she nods in understanding. “I think that’s what makes it even more amazing. What makes  _ you  _ more amazing.”

Fatin stares at her with furrowed brows because she doesn’t understand.

“You were all hurt before. And instead of shutting yourselves off to the world...you embraced it and each other. And that’s more beautiful than you’ll ever understand.” Her mom explains.

“We never thought about Quinn as different. It never crossed our minds to try and hurt him.” Fatin feels the need to defend herself somehow.

“To be clear, Quinn never thought that either. It was just his mom...she was worried. Like mothers are, and wanted to protect him.”

They are silent for a little while, before her mom speaks again. 

“Your dad, he comes to the meetings sometimes, too. He’s trying sweetheart. He’s trying to be a better father to you and your brother. To understand your identity and to understand your brother. He’s been doing a lot of research. Asking questions. He’s trying.”

Fatin nods.

Her mom picks up the book she was reading. “So have I. Would you believe that we were given a special curriculum. I didn’t realize how much content was out there. Not just nonfiction and research possibilities...but fiction, too. TV shows and books.”

Fatin laughs. “Curriculum, huh? I’m not at all surprised actually.”

Her mom smiles. “It was the Reids and Mrs. Rilke. There was a powerpoint and handouts and pamphlets and everything. We even have movie nights.”

Fatin shakes her head with a smile. “That sounds perfect.”

“It kind of has been. But whenever I learn something, I realize how much more there is to learn.”

“Try having Leah Rilke as your girlfriend.” Fatin deadpans. “That girl, just like Nora, is a walking encyclopedia. But not of like, random facts, but insights. She just...she knows stuff about people and it can be terrifying how well she seems to know me at times.” 

“Terrifying?”

“Like...in a good way. She just...sometimes I don’t have to explain things to her because she gets it. Like...she gets it better than I do.”

“Your whole face lights up when you talk about her.” Her mom comments.

“Yeah, well, love will do that.”

Her mom’s eyes widen. “Love?! Wow.” She smiles at her. “I’m so glad you found someone who sees you. Normally, I’d think that no one could ever be good enough for my little girl, but Leah...I approve of her whole-heartedly.”

Fatin’s heart melts and she hugs her mom. She knows her mom is fine with her sexual orientation and that she seems fine with her relationship with Leah, but to hear that she approves is something she didn’t know she needed.

“I love you, Mom.” She whispers.

“Love you too, Fatin. So much.”

Eventually, they part from the hug.

“So...this book?”

“The protagonist is nonbinary. And they are able to find someone who falls in love with them as they are.” She smiles as she explains. “I’ve been worried about that for your brother. Worried about people accepting them. I fully accept... _ their. _ ..journey.” She looks at Fatin. “I’ve been practicing pronouns just in case. I want to be ready for when...they are.”

Fatin smiles at that. “You can be nonbinary and never change your pronouns. Words don’t change who you are.”

Her mom seems to take that in.

“Dot only just recently changed theirs. Sometimes it’s a process.” She explains.

“Yeah, Mr. Campbell told us.” When Fatin’s eyes betray her surprise, her mother explains. “He can’t get out for the meetings as much as he would like, so we use zoom so he can be there with us even if he’s not physically there.”

She softens again. “I love that for him.”

“The parents were talking...when you have your camping trip next weekend, we’re all going to get together over at the Reids. We’re having a cookout and bonfire. The kids are coming, too. We’re hoping that we can recreate with the next generation what you all have already done. Give them a built in support system.”

“Awww, I’m so proud of you, Mom.” Fatin grins.

Her mom beams widely with pride.

Fatin stands up, ready to head to her room. Then she hesitates. “When is dad picking up Ahmad next? Because…” She fidgets nervously. “I wanted to talk to him. To try to work things out between us.”

Her mom’s smile grows impossibly wider. “Really? That’s great, sweetheart. He’ll be here on Tuesday.”

“Perfect.” Fatin leans in and hugs her mom. 

During their next club meeting, Fatin watches her friends. She takes them all in. She starts to see them a bit differently than she used to. More thoroughly. She recognizes how slowly but consistently Quinn, Oliver and McKenna opened themselves up to the group and became more confident. More sure of themselves and more comfortable with themselves. She realizes that Quinn only wore his special coat that first time, and hasn’t needed it sense. She sees the strength and closeness in Rachel’s relationship with Nora and how even though they are closer than ever, they have never had more independence from each other. Martha’s confidence is present, her purity and joy. She isn’t pretending anymore. She’s not living in a fantasy world of her own creation, she’s enjoying life as it is for the first time.

She watches Toni’s quiet, calm demeanor and remembers the fireball of anger she used to be. The loner. The person that didn’t trust people not to hurt her, and here she is, with Shelby wrapped around her and a soft smile on her face. And Shelby. She’s no longer a self-hating lesbian, but she’s open and real and happy. She used to be a performer. She used to be overly optimistic to hide how horrible she felt about everything in her life. And now, she’s kissing Toni on the cheek and laughing with her. She’s completely comfortable in her own skin.

Regan is becoming more and more accepting of herself as well. Today is the first day she’s wearing her pride flag button on her jacket openly. And Jeanette has consistently been talking in her normal Australian accent outside of the club meetings. She’s dressing in a way that seems more to suit her. She’s no longer hiding who she is, she’s relearning herself. Discovering who she wants to be.

Leah participates in life now, rather than watching it go by. Sure she still reads a lot, but not when she’s here. Not when she’s among her friends. She’s laughing and sharing parts of herself. It’s beautiful to see. 

But Fatin thinks that Dot has changed the most. And maybe that’s just her own bias. Dot used to thrive on the outside, prefer it even. At least, that’s what they always told themself. And they even told Fatin before as well. But Fatin knows differently now. She sees the way Dot has let them in. Shared their dad with those in the group who needed one. Dot doesn’t carry the burden by themself anymore. They let Mateo in. As a boyfriend, but more importantly, as a caregiver for their dad. They don’t even deal drugs anymore. Mostly because Fatin knows her mom and the others have created a GoFundMe for them. She knows because she saw a printout of it on the counter this morning. And as proud as she knows Mr. C. can be, she also knows that he gladly accepts the help because it means less stress for Dot. It means he can be their father again and do the right thing--which is to allow people who want to help them to actually help. Sometimes, being strong means knowing when you can’t do it alone. That’s what Fatin learned.

And she’s changed, too. She knows she has. Because along with the regret of what she’s done being proof that she’s no longer that person...so much of who she used to be is so unrecognizable. But what she realizes is not that she has really changed...it’s that she has finally allowed herself to be who she was always meant to be. Who she already was underneath it all. And as she looks at her friends, she knows that it’s true for them as well. This is who they always were. They just needed each other to reveal it. 

After the meeting, she sends a quick text to Shelby and nods when Shelby smiles at her and pulls Toni and Martha out of the room with her. Then Fatin catches up with Leah, who’s chatting with Nora about whatever book they both just finished. Fatin listens with interest, because she is always interested in what her friends have to say. Even if she doesn’t always understand it.

Rachel approaches a few minutes later.

“No diving today, huh?” Fatin asks. She knows that Rachel already told them she wasn’t planning on it, but wants to know why.

Rachel shrugs. “I’m heading over to Toni’s with Nora. Martha and Shelby are going shopping for Martha’s next date. Afterwards, Nora and I are having a sister night. Just the two of us.”

Fatin nods. 

“I wanted to thank you.” Rachel says. “For encouraging me to find my passion in diving again.”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for.”

Rachel shakes her head. “You don’t get it. Diving was my life. My identity. It was all I thought I had, so when I lost it...I was lost. I didn’t know who I was without it. But then...we started this club. I became more than diving. And...I think my identities as a sister, daughter and friend are something I overlooked...took for granted. I was scared at first, about losing myself in diving again. I was scared it would consume me. But I remind myself...that it’s fun. That it isn’t my life or my identity. That my passion for it doesn’t have to be bad. I get to share that passion with the people in my life that matter to me. I finally get to have it all.”

Fatin stares at her and then wraps her in a tight hug. “You deserve it all. You deserve everything.”

When she pulls away, Rachel excuses herself and tells Nora she’ll pick her up by the outdoor exit. Nora looks from Leah to Fatin.

“We’re having a sister day.” She tells them happily. “It was Rachel’s idea. She missed me.”

Fatin smiles proudly at her. “Of course she does. You’re amazing.”

Nora nods. “I...I am. And she is, too. Only now, I’m not the only one who believes it.” 

Nora says before walking away without another word. And Leah and Fatin are left standing in the classroom alone.

“I will never get over the fact that Nora just like...drops the mic every time.” Leah says with wide eyes. “How does she do it?”

“It’s truly a skill.”

Fatin’s heart soars for her friends. She truly believes that this is the purest form of love. Being happy just because the people she cares about are happy. She can’t sleep when they are hurting. But when they are happy, her whole world brightens. How did she ever believe herself incapable of love?

“So...I thought tonight could be our first official date. What do you think?” Fatin asks with as much bravado as she can muster.

“I think you need to let me go home and change.” Leah tells her.

Fatin shakes her head. “You can’t possibly get more beautiful than you already are.” She holds her hand. “But...go home if you must. I want to pick you up there anyway, and do this whole thing right.”

Leah smiles at her and squeezes her hand. Then she pulls Fatin closer into her by her wrist and they just stare at each other. And, honestly, that’s enough for Fatin because those eyes...

Fatin drives to Leah’s to pick her up for their date. She is ruining the bouquet of flowers in her hand because she’s so nervous she keeps squeezing it and crumpling it. Thankfully, Leah opens the door before she even has to knock. 

She smiles at the sight of her, and she remembers that this beautiful girl is already hers. That she already loves her. And that realization calms her down instantly. Or maybe it is the kiss Leah gives her upon greeting her.

“You brought me flowers.” Leah says in awe.

Fatin shrugs. “I debated on getting you a cactus.”

“Because I’m prickly?” Leah asks with a raised eyebrow.

“No. Because it lasts longer, possibly forever if you take care of it. And…”

The implication is there. The comparison between a living plant that can thrive and the dead flowers in her hands. The parallel that Fatin wants them to survive. To last forever. To grow. But then she remembers that Leah can’t read her mind, even when she isn’t being at all subtle about what she wants.

When Leah’s eyes catch Fatin’s and their intensity increases, Fatin knows she understands. Fatin follows Leah into the house as she attempts to find a vase and settles for an old, empty milk jug, which is actually kind of perfect and so fantastically Leah. And when she looks at Fatin sheepishly, Fatin kisses her.

Fatin’s happy that Leah didn’t actually change her clothes--that she believed Fatin when she told her she already is perfect and that she shouldn’t freak out about what to wear. Because today isn’t meant to give Leah anxiety, only joy. Fatin grabs Leah’s hand and leads her outside before opening the car door for her. And against Leah’s protests, buckles her seatbelt for her.

“Isn’t this overkill?” Leah groans with a smirk.

“I’m carrying precious cargo.”

Leah laughs and rolls her eyes. “But I could have buckled it myself.”

“Sure. But where’s the fun in that?” She kisses her again.

Leah drives them to the park. Then she leads Leah to the place Shelby sat up for them. When they arrive, Leah’s eyes are wide and glassy.

Shelby perfectly recreated the fort that they had made for Leah’s first sleepover.

“Are those...the pillows from my house?” Leah asks with confusion.

“Shelby may have...borrowed them for me.”

The fort has Christmas lights hanging from the tree above it. The same Christmas lights from that night as well. Leah wanders around the area, taking it all in. Then she crawls inside of the fort. 

“You planned a picnic with the snacks from the movie theater...the same kind that I bought for us.” Leah tells her unnecessarily.

“I also ordered food from the restaurant.” Fatin looks at her phone when it dings. “It just arrived. Hold on.”

She runs to get it and then hurries back. When she crawls into the fort, Leah sits the book she was leafing through down as Fatin puts the food on the floor between them. Then she’s caught off guard as Leah pushes her to the ground and straddles her. They make out for a little while, before Fatin forces them to stop.

“The food will get cold...and I put a lot of thought and effort into this.” She tells Leah as she shifts out from under her.

“You recreated our greatest hits?” Leah wonders as she settles next to Fatin and digs into the food.

Fatin nods. “The moments I realized it wasn’t just a crush...but that I had fallen hard for you. That I loved you.” She raises a finger as she names each moment. “Here in this spot when we helped Toni through her shit by talking about each of our regrets. You made me feel human and not like a monster...for what I did to my dad. The book is for the times we listened to books or read books to each other. Obviously, the fort represents our sleepover at your house. Although, our first sleepover was actually at the beginning of the school year...when Toni…” She shakes her head and trails off. Then she raises a fourth finger. “I didn’t know how to include the party at my house...except for including the playlist…” She presses a few buttons on her phone and soft but energetic music surrounds them. And one last finger raises as she gestures at the food. “And finally, our date.”

“Fatin this is perfect. You’re perfect.”

They eat in silence for a while, apart from the music. 

“When did you…” Fatin ventures. “How did you figure it out? That you liked me?”

“That I was in love with you?” Leah corrects. “My therapist.”

Fatin laughs loudly at that. Another thing that is so perfectly Leah.

“It’s sort of like with the whole gay thing. Once the realization was there...it became so obvious.” Leah says, digging around in her food idly. “Like...the things you do for Dot and their Dad. Or Shelby. And especially, Toni. Don’t think I didn’t notice that it was you who got Rachel diving again, even before she mentioned it today. You are just...you exude love. And it took me awhile to realize that the way you love people...with your whole heart...was how I wanted you to love me. But not just as a friend.” She takes a bite of food as if giving herself time to get her words in order and Fatin lets her process. She’s used to waiting for Leah. She will always wait for her. “Love for me is about trust. Being able to trust myself and the other person. And I realized that I trust you more than anybody. I trust who I am when I’m with you. That I can be myself. That I won’t get lost again. But also, I trust  _ you. _ I trust you to be honest. To catch me if I fall. Not to keep me from falling, because you respect me enough to let me still be me and make mistakes...but that you protect me from other things. From the outside, of course. But you have a way of protecting me from myself. From keeping me from spiraling just by listening...by being present. By letting me talk through it and understand. And you are  _ huge  _ on consent. And patience. So you make me feel safe. You feel like home. In the very best ways. If feels like…” She frowns. “I was going to say that it feels like I’ve already grown old with you, but that sounds so…” She shakes her head. “Not old...but...like we can both grow and change independently...but together.” She sighs. “I’m not making any sense.”

“You see us staying in each other's lives because we can both adapt and yet not give up our own individual identity. And because you feel that way and we have only really been friends for a fairly short period of time...it feels like we’ve already grown so much...like we’ve known each other longer than we have.”

Leah’s eyes widen and she nods. “Yes. Exactly. I can’t believe how close I feel to you in such a relatively short time that it makes me excited to see how much more we can learn about each other. How much closer we can get over time.”

They finish eating happily. Fatin has never been so content. Fatin cleans up the mess while Leah crawls out of the fort and dances by herself to the music. Fatin watches her with astonishment. She is in awe of the way she moves. The way she looks so happy. So free. 

Leah raises her hands and twirls as if she doesn’t have a care in the world, and Fatin loves that for her. Loves that she feels that free around Fatin. That at ease. She watches her dance for a song or two, before Leah looks at her and beckons her to join her. Fatin immediately obliges her. She wraps her arms around Leah’s shoulders and smiles as Leah’s hands settle around her waist. And they just sway together. In tandem, ebbing and flowing like they were meant to be connected in such a way. Leah’s the yin to her yang. The sun to her moon. She compliments her in the way that opposites do. And she completes her in the way that the love of your life tends to. 

She didn’t realize she was such a romantic. Especially with her track record. She had been worried that she wouldn’t be able to commit to someone. But with Leah, she realizes that it would be far harder to walk away than to put in the work to stay. Because it didn't feel like work. Not in the regular sense of the word. Relationships take work and communication and understanding. But that’s only because the best things in life are worth the effort. Playing cello. Becoming a better person. Forgiveness. And love. 

“I love you.” She whispers.

“I love you more.” Leah whispers back.

Fatin smiles and shakes her head. “Impossible. But you can try.” 

She kisses her there, under the stars while the Christmas lights flicker overhead and Pink plays on her phone. And it’s fucking perfect. And when they spend the rest of the night cuddled together on some pillows and blankets while they read under the night sky, Fatin allows herself to relax in the knowledge that her first date is a success. She really can do this relationship thing.

The next day after school, Fatin paces in the living room waiting for her father to arrive. He’s on time as usual, and this time, it’s to Fatin’s eternal gratitude. She would not have lasted another five minutes.

His eyes widen when he sees her, but a small smile spreads slowly across his lips. “Fatin.”

“Hi, Dad.”

“It’s so wonderful to see you. You look great. Happy.” He nods at himself as he settles on the word. “I like this look on you.”

“It’d be love. I’m in love.” Fatin tells him. “And very happy. Not just because of that, but...there’s so much I want to tell you…” She rushes to him and lets herself be wrapped in his strong embrace. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”

He hugs her tightly. “It’s me who’s sorry. I know now, that what you did, you did because I hurt you. And I know what I did was wrong...but I never wanted to hurt you. You were my world, Fatin. You  _ are _ my world. Your mom and I...I should have handled that better and I am ashamed. But what hurt the most was the way you looked at me. I thought I lost you.”

She cries in his arms until her voice goes hoarse. And yet, she can’t stop. She thought she lost him, too. She was hurt. But she regrets lashing out because of it. Just because someone hurts you, she understands now that it doesn’t justify you hurting them. 

When she has no more tears left, she regrettably pulls away. She wipes at her eyes and creates a distance between them. For her protection. Because it’s still raw--the pain and betrayal are still there. And forgiveness does not mean she condones it. She still doesn’t trust him. He will have to earn that back if he wants to get back to where they used to be. But she thinks that’s what she wants. She wants him in her life again. 

“You said you have a lot to tell me. I have time.” He tells her.

“ _ We _ have time.” She says as her answer. 

Not today. He hasn’t earned it. But she’s willing to try if he is. That’s the offer.

He nods, accepting it. “I can’t wait to hear all about it...when you’re ready to tell me.” 

She swallows and nods back. “I heard you go to PLAG meetings.”

“I do. I’m trying. To be better. To understand.” He admits. “I know I made a lot of mistakes even before I cheated. I’m sorry I didn’t see you before.”

She doesn’t respond because she can’t think of anything worth saying that he doesn’t already know. That he isn’t already beating himself up for. She sees it in the hollow eyes that used to be so full of life. She sees it in the dark circles that betray his lack of sleep. She sees it in the absence of his treasured wrist watch. He doesn’t seem to value things over the people in his life anymore, and that’s a start. A big one. 

“I want to understand your brother. I want to support him. I never want him to feel like he...is it still he?”

Fatin nods. “Until he tells us otherwise. He’s still figuring it out. Just learning what the options are.”

“I don’t want him to feel as invisible or disposable as I think I made you feel.”

Fatin’s eyes widen. “You never...you saw me more than mom did. You got me. That’s why it hurt so bad...what you did.”

He shakes his head. “I made you feel disposable when I blamed your lashing out on selfishness rather than accepting that what I did was the reason for it.” He rubs his forehead and rests his hand on the back of his neck. “I loved your mother. I still do. And I will never forgive myself for hurting her. For hurting you and your brother. I’m so full of shame.”

Hearing his words. That he doesn’t blame her. That he didn’t leave them because she wasn’t good enough. She had already accepted that truth. But hearing it from his lips...it really hits her hard. And she didn’t think she had any tears left to cry, but she’s wrong.

After he comforts her for the second time, she decides that she had enough for the time being. She excuses herself and goes to her room. She watches as he loads her little brother into the car and takes him for the night. And she can see that he’s trying. So maybe she’s ready to really try, too.

She collapses onto her bed, ready to drown in emotions and maybe some self pity when she’s awakened by headlights shining into her window. She looks outside and sees a caravan of cars pulling into her driveway and a smile manifests on her face as she rushes down the stairs to meet her friends.

Leah is at the door first, and greets her with a hug and a chaste kiss. Toni, Shelby and Martha are next, carrying grocery bags.

“We brought ice cream and a whole lot of junk food.” Toni explains with a gentle smile as she raises the bags by way of explanation. “Not sure if you want to drown your sorrows or celebrate...so we’re ready for every occasion.”

Fatin exhales with a water laugh.

“And pizza!” Oliver announces as he and Quinn carry in boxes of pizza.

“I brought tissues.” Nora says. “Just in case.”

As they trickle in one by one, she feels overwhelmed by their love. And by how much she loves them.

“And because we  _ really _ care, we’re letting you choose what we’re watching.” Dot says as they bring up the caboose. 

Fatin’s eyes widen. “That _ is _ love.” She rests her hand on her chest. “Be still my beating heart.”

Dot rolls their eyes and shakes their head. Then they shove her as they walk past.

And that is how she finds herself in a food coma and absolutely terrified by the sights on the screen. Who thought The Haunting of Bly Manor was a good thing to watch when she was already emotionally vulnerable? Right. It was _ her _ stupid idea. But you know what? Fuck them for listening to her.

She burrows further into Leah and relaxes as she holds her and kisses her cheek. She feels Leah’s soft fingers trace patterns on her bare back. And okay, it isn’t so bad. It’s good. Really good.


End file.
